Didn't die when I tried to choke myself with a belt. I guess that's positive. Mental illness is such a bitch... This is just not something I would ever want to do. It's only the 2nd time I've tried to do that, last time was February 2019 with a thin cord. Complicated story I'd rather not go into.
I basically had a freakout over some chronic jaw pain that hit me out of nowhere. I have such a horrible response to physical pain at this point. It's gone, pretty much, and it leaves me only to reflect on the impulsive fucked up parts of my brain that could kill me even though I desperately want to live and grow old, I'm only 28.
It felt sort of like tooth pain but my tooth itself didn't hurt. Either way I was able to get a dentist appointment scheduled tomorrow right after I get out of work. This could lead to something positive in knowing if something is up with the tooth or my gums or something. It really sucked because I often get headaches since I had sinus surgery a few months back, but lately I've been doing much better. I got to work, was jolly, not in any pain, no stomach issues from eating which tends to happen there because of stress. Everything was all fine. I even thought "wow, today is going really well, it seems I'm really improving" and then like, 20 minutes later, I just get hit with this horrible sharp throbbing pain in my jaw. Dealing with abusive customers in that state, I could've easily got myself fired because I told them to shut the fuck up and leave. Guess I'll find out tomorrow if they said anything, but I don't think they even heard me because I still wear a mask at work.
And for anyone who might want to post a suicide hotline number, don't bother. I've gone through all of those, they're a complete waste of time, for me anyway. I'm very complicated and find myself feeling alienated and unlike most people often. Sometimes that's a good feeling, in this strange way, but it really depends on my frame of mind. Either way, I need to get in to see a professional as soon as possible. Today was the last straw. I can't put it off anymore and I can't let being busy and such get in my way. It's so easy to forget about it when you've had some good days. I'm very picky and choosy when it comes to the type of professional I see. I would prefer an older male who has more experience in life and in the field, but there aren't many around that take my insurance, and I'm not sure I want to spend $100 for every visit... But maybe it's worth it. Money doesn't mean shit. Life means everything.
