^I have seen some of the worst damage done to kids by parents that think they are pushing them to succeed when in reality they are dividing them from their own self-generated goals in life, academic and beyond. One of my friends had the same thing done to her--she had to be a lawyer because that was what was expected. In reality she was a house painter (that sustained her business on a bike!), a beloved childcare worker that loves kids, a musician (for fun) and an intellectual and activist. She finally could not stand the pressure she had internalized from her Dad so she went to law school just to prove she could. She passed the bar and never practiced. Many house in our town have great paint jobs, she's been a positive part of many children's lives here and she plays a mean mandolin but none of that counted to her family. What a shame.
That's a great story about your friend, and encouraging, thanks herby.
Yeah, my girl's dad is a good guy, he's caring, he's just kinda crazy and pretty controlling and he thinks he knows best in everything. He does a lot for her now, and he realizes that he's caused this and feels terrible. But, hindsight, you know. She loves her dad and they get along but she also carries a lot of anger towards him. He lives nearby so we see him regularly but not extremely often.
Anyway in my girl's case, she is very disconnected from what she really wants. Most of the time if asked, she just says she doesn't know, that nothing seems that exciting. Yet she is in love with nature and she knows so much about plants, and she's an amazing gardener which is her most passionate hobby. I try to tell her she should try to pursue that and she self-defeats, with things like "I won't be able to make money doing that" or "if I try to do it as a career I'll grow to hate it". She told me once, long ago, that if she hadn't been forced into an area of study she would have studied biology and gone into conservation (this was the only time I've heard her say that but she was so excited when she was talking about it). But I don't think she lets herself even admit that, or admit that if she worked for it she could still do it, it's not too late, she's only 31.
At this point her dad will still make comments about how she needs to focus on something, but he's well past trying to get her to do a specific thing, but at this point every time he says anything it raises her walls more/makes her feel worse about herself. The main pressure on her is internal at this point.
But yeah, it makes me feel hopeful that she's looking. She's had a long series of part-time shit hourly jobs that she hates, supplemented by going to Cali to trim every year. She loves trimming (she's very, very good at it too), but she says it's changing a lot and soon the person she trims for won't be able to afford to hire trimmers, and the jobs make her feel pretty miserable after a while. It's also kinda harder for her because she has a really hard time sticking up for herself and is a quiet speaker, and doesn't project much confidence.
Much admiration for your strength. ??
