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Sexless Relationships.

Lysis said:
I could probably be OK without having sex like a rabbit, but I need affection. Recent happenings at the Lysis household have me realizing that I don't think my relationship is going to work out, and not having sex is meh, but not having any affection or intimacy at all has me really feeling trapped and very unhappy. I don't think I could live happily without any kind of emotion or just basic affection from someone. Sex equates to a strong bond with someone, so it almost feels like I'm separated from him. We're basically great friends, but there is basically no emotion, support or affection, and for me, it's a terrible existence. Not sure what I'm going to do about it, but I digress.

I could probably love and be happy with a person with a low sex drive, but someone without any kind of emotion or affection towards the other person would (is atm) make me feel very unhappy. No sex at all, and I can guarantee I would cheat on the person, and I really don't ever want to do that.

I'm also thinking perhaps my partner has some kind of autism or asperger's or something. I don't understand how someone can be so non-affectionate with someone they supposedly love.
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I know this is an old post but just reading it, it really struck a cord with me and just wondered how you ended up, whether the situation resolved for the better or you had to split?

I've just come out of a 20 year relationship that was both sexually and intimately fulfilling but during the last 3 years my partner lost all interest in any physical contact whatsoever and even she doesn't know why, she just seemed to have turned asexual.

As you said, I can't understand how someone could become so non-affectionate with someone they supposedly love? I nearly went insane without affection of any kind. I find the intimacy associated with just holding hands intoxicating, a hint of her perfume or an acknowledging glance was enough to take my breath away even after all those years so without anything, it was a terrible existence.

This thread and others have shown me that some people appear to be able to survive normally without this, but I'm not one of them, the stress and anxiety I felt was too much in the end. Hope you were able to move on one way or another as well.
 
^ Couldn't handle it and moved on. It was probably the easiest "relationship" I've ever moved on from, because there was just really no affection whatsoever. I don't think he even knows how. What is interesting is his last girlfriend did the same thing...just moved on when she told him she needs a break. She found someone else during that time and told him she's done. Actually, I'm not so sure she didn't tell him sooner, because he claims she found out when she changed her FB status. LOL I dunno...I find that hard to believe he just figured it out that way, but it falls into my theory that he doesn't understand how to read or understand people. So, I figure he just doesn't really know affection. It's really weird. I still think he has some kind of aspergers or something. He's smart as fuck, but zero ability to deal with people or understand how to show affection.
 
Glad you were able to move on, I have a couple of relatives with Asperger's and they are just what you describe, emotionally they seem like the lights on but when you get close nobody's home. Sometimes I think I'm getting through but I think it's a leaned response on their part in an attempt to be sociable but in reality they just can't connect which is sad.
 
Well, IntimacyAddict, that was an old post and things change so much in a year. They will for you, too. I've moved on to a much happier lifestyle and started working on myself and my career. I'm dating more and seeing people, but it's just that initial step to break free of that old bond that's the hardest. Once you do and you're able to let go, it gets a lot easier.

No affection is probably one of the worst situations to be in especially if you realize your partner isn't going to change at all.
 
Lysis said:
No affection is probably one of the worst situations to be in especially if you realize your partner isn't going to change at all.
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This is the truest statement I have read and THIS hit a nerve in me. I am a very sensual, touchy, feely man and I am married to someone who, initially reciprocated physical advances, however now she doesn't (probably due to the Zoloft). I have a terrible situation where I try, try, try & TRY to initiate intimacy - and to no avail! It is like trying to yell at a deaf person. I'm getting it, yet it's maybe 3 to 4 times a year. I need physical affection daily, and intimacy a min of twice a month

I have even tried bringing E, GBH and other stim's to help and very little change.

When married, w/ a child, how is someone like me who needs physical reciprocation to survive!? I feel like I am slowly drowning.

Then, she wonders why I am so uptight and grumpy.......

Can I have a woman's or man's POV please?! You can PM me.....


John

Oh, and BTW - I have talked to her about this over and over again. She says she will change yet it never ends up happening. I don't have high level of standards for her to meet, yet just be willing to cuddle, snuggle - even sleep in the same bed (which she often falls asleep on the couch lately!)
 
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^Ugh John that sucks...my ex was like that. He never showed his feelings much in general but it was okay the first 6 months or so, and after that he deemed that I 'already knew how he felt about me' (his words) and so he didn't see the point in still showing affection, or that he cared at all. We had sex but it was only physical and he never wanted to cuddle or be intimate in other ways that would show that he loved me or whatever. I spoke to him about it countless times and never got any results...wish I could tell you she's just going through a phase or something but I dunno, in my experience some people are just like that. Maybe couples' therapy might be a good idea?
 
Pagey said:
^Ugh John that sucks...my ex was like that. He never showed his feelings much in general but it was okay the first 6 months or so, and after that he deemed that I 'already knew how he felt about me' (his words) and so he didn't see the point in still showing affection, or that he cared at all. We had sex but it was only physical and he never wanted to cuddle or be intimate in other ways that would show that he loved me or whatever. I spoke to him about it countless times and never got any results...wish I could tell you she's just going through a phase or something but I dunno, in my experience some people are just like that. Maybe couples' therapy might be a good idea?
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Yeah Pagey - I can relate to what you described. I have had and passed on opportunities of women coming onto me in the recent past. I have ignored them all b/c I don't want to be' one of those assholes' who wanders - yet, masturbating is *NOT* the solution here. There has to be somewhere, something, that is flexible. It's really turning me into a frustrated asshole. Always short tempered, always yelling at the kids and just being down right cold to her. God help me b/c I feel my sanity slipping away!

I really feel like there's nothing I can do. We have gone to therapy, she has come to realize that she was not putting in enough 'energy' to the things that mattered to me.

I don't want to end our relationship, however although I have 'fished' for her allowing me to have an 'outlet' for my needs, she has said she is completely against someone else 'having' me. It's like no matter where I turn, what solution I offer, it's not right.
 
Cherokee said:
This is the truest statement I have read and THIS hit a nerve in me. I am a very sensual, touchy, feely man and I am married to someone who, initially reciprocated physical advances, however now she doesn't (probably due to the Zoloft). I have a terrible situation where I try, try, try & TRY to initiate intimacy - and to no avail! It is like trying to yell at a deaf person. I'm getting it, yet it's maybe 3 to 4 times a year. I need physical affection daily, and intimacy a min of twice a month

I have even tried bringing E, GBH and other stim's to help and very little change.

When married, w/ a child, how is someone like me who needs physical reciprocation to survive!? I feel like I am slowly drowning.

Then, she wonders why I am so uptight and grumpy.......

Can I have a woman's or man's POV please?! You can PM me.....


John

Oh, and BTW - I have talked to her about this over and over again. She says she will change yet it never ends up happening. I don't have high level of standards for her to meet, yet just be willing to cuddle, snuggle - even sleep in the same bed (which she often falls asleep on the couch lately!)
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Wow, you sound exactly like me.

I have always craved physical affection daily in fact hourly would be better. My ex however started out fine but then through our marriage her interest in any kind of physical contact diminished until there wasn't even a hug and I felt I was going insane. She said well you should know how I feel or, I feel too stressed to cuddle or I can't kiss you as I haven't cleaned my teeth etc. I then spent 2 years trying everything to get the relationship working again, she sent me off to therapy as she said it was my problem not hers.

Eventually we called it quits and I realised that I caused myself 2 years of stress and heartache because I didn't see the writing on the wall. I think if your partner who is supposed to love you can't accept let alone initiate any physical contact for any length of time then it's over unless you both can accept there's a problem and both work through it together.

PS yes the couch thing, that was a later sign I had as she didn't want to be in the same bed as I'd always want to put my arms around her - so sad now I think about it.
 
I suppose only if someone has deep seeded issues about sex. Perhaps the sexually abused, or morbidly obese. It's something I couldn't do personally. If I'm in a relationship with a woman I expect to get laid at least a couple times a week.
 
Some people show their love in different ways. My boyfriend is much more into the physical affection. He loves hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc (even more than sex ... although he loves that too). He likes to hold hands. He likes to make out. All that stuff. That's how he feels "loved". That's not my thing, at least not to that degree. I do like hugging and stuff, but not as much as he does. It's all about reaching a happy medium. Of course, those who don't want ANY physical affection causes a bit more of an issue than someone that just doesn't care for it as much.
I took this online quiz thing, the Five Love Languages: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Usually I don't like to link to outside sites and whatnot, but it's kinda cool. Although you can probably figure out what fits you more without doing the "quiz", it's pretty interesting to read about. After taking the quiz, I found out that "words of affirmation" and "quality time" were highest ranked for me. For my boyfriend, it was "physical touch" and "quality time".
 
^That was quite interesting llama. I also got words of affirmation way above the rest and only 2 for physical touch. I'm not surprised, I hate for anyone to touch me. I literally can't stand even being brushed by someone unless it's a boyfriend. Paradoxically though, with boyfriends I love physical contact.
 
nice one for that.

Beachcat had been telling me about love languages about a month ago - that was great... I predominantly got "quality time" with "words of affirmation" and "acts of service" coming joint second
llama112 said:
Some people show their love in different ways. My boyfriend is much more into the physical affection. He loves hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc (even more than sex ... although he loves that too). He likes to hold hands. He likes to make out. All that stuff. That's how he feels "loved". That's not my thing, at least not to that degree. I do like hugging and stuff, but not as much as he does. It's all about reaching a happy medium. Of course, those who don't want ANY physical affection causes a bit more of an issue than someone that just doesn't care for it as much.
I took this online quiz thing, the Five Love Languages: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Usually I don't like to link to outside sites and whatnot, but it's kinda cool. Although you can probably figure out what fits you more without doing the "quiz", it's pretty interesting to read about. After taking the quiz, I found out that "words of affirmation" and "quality time" were highest ranked for me. For my boyfriend, it was "physical touch" and "quality time".
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I thought physical touch would be most important - I was pleasantly surprised...but also it makes sense - it's ALL about quality time <3

Hello lovers!

I got a nice update on FB from Kitten - just in case she hasn't posted in her thread - she is moving out in 2 weeks - so long to the abusive dynamic, onwards with her beautiful life, and in the future a fraternal relationship with "D". <3 So happy to hear this.
 
IntimacyAddict said:
Mine was identical. Must be because we both work with technology and there's not a lot of hugs going on there.

7 Words of Affirmation
6 Quality Time
1 Receiving Gifts
3 Acts of Service
12 Physical Touch
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Mine was:
Your Scores

7 Words of Affirmation
6 Quality Time
1 Receiving Gifts
4 Acts of Service
12 Physical Touch

The *ONLY* difference between us is th one point I got above you for Acts of Service! Wow, were we twins separated at birth and shipped to different countries?! LOL

Perhaps it's not technology, it's the inner NERD....HAHAHAHA
 
I'm feeling like a weirdo here for hating physical touch so much, ha.
Would probably be an interesting thing to analyze some day though...if I get bored 8)
 
^ I think it's just we are all different Pagey and have our needs satisfied differently. For me physical contact is incredibly important, for my ex it was other things. What I've learned is that it's important to be compatible in this regard with any relationship.
 
^True, true. Actually it's funny because I love physical contact with the person I'm in a relationship with - cuddling, holding hands etc, I love it. I just can't stand to have aaaaanyone else touch me. Except maybe my best friend is allowed to hug me sometimes, lol

But of course it just makes the world more interesting for everyone to be different in that regard.
 
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