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Septsober - The September gettn and stayn sober thread

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So I was coming up on 2 years clean from opiates (on suboxone maintenance). I also had a problem with amphetamines. Well, I fucked up- at a party, saw generic amph in the bathroom, railed one, saved another for the next day. Feel terrible. Talked to sponsor about it. He says I have to say I'm a newcomer at the next meeting, lost all that clean time.

Not going to tell my gf though. Things are going so well, don't want to lose trust. What do y'all think about that?
 
You haven't lost any clean time.. You were clean for all that time and that amazing accomplishment hasn't went any where. I don't know when the addiction community is going to get their head around the fact that guilt and shame are one of the biggest drivers of addiction. If they did the fellowships and rehabs wouldnt play that card so often, especially rehabs.. yeah they know your in a tough spot when you come in and then if you dont fall in line with their way of thinking they use the psychological power of the group combined with an addicts heightened emotions and allot of time shame or guilt to break addicts down until the fall in line.. it utter bullshit. I would ask your sponsor what positive purpose this serves and I would love to know what they say. First off your not a new comer.. you have been working a strong program but relapsed.. and you already told your sponsor and came clean.. I wouldn't introduce yourself as a newcomer and I would be looking for a new sponsor.. yeah I would go get my white key chain as someone coming back from a relapse with my head held high and if a sponsor was pushing shame on me when they wanted me to introduce myself as a mew comer I would stand up and say I'm looking for a new temporary sponsor. You have done amazing things and this doesn't take away from those things. Use this as what it is.. a lesson.. identify what you did that lead to this.. possibly partying at a place where drugs are if this is a problem for you.. figure out how you are going to alter your behavior to not put yourself in this or similar places in the future and move on with your head high.. this shit isn't easy and your doing great.. newcomer what baloney.. your doing great and have done amazing things, dont let some fool tell you you are starting over.


Here is something i realized.. and I haven't heard the rehabs talk about it and there isn't a fellowship catchphrase about it.. we as addicts have heightened emotions.. they always focus on limiting and dealing with and healing what causes the negative emotions.. thats definitely absolutely necessary for an addict to be successful and live a peaceful life.. BUT YOU CAN ALSO change your thinking and your perception so you are constantly promoting positive emotions.. and the positive emotions are also heightened so its possible to live a life of extreme joy, serenity, optimism, etc.. identify the thinking and actions that promote the positive emotions.. just like depression is a thought disorder, and depression causes depressed thought, witch causes more depression.. it also swings the other way positive thoughts cause positive emotions which cause positive thoughts.. I huge step in doing this is to quit judging ANYTHING as bad.. it sounds nuts but constantly getting run over buy inevitabilities in life because we choose to judge them as bad is nuts. We all need to stop hiding from the negatives of our addictions and tart manipulating its characteristics to our advantage.

woe.png






So as far as me.. i flew way outa the moment last night.. I just got all into tomorrow and got swallowed by frustration, sadness, anger, yeah the whole fucking sha bang.. but I didn't use.. I let some good people (recovery staff<3<3<3) in on a littel of what was going on.. went to bed pissed and down.. got a little sleep.. refocused back into today this morning with a long hour long meditation session.. headed of to habitat for humanity (nothing like getting your problems out of your heed like going and helping others with their problems).. And low and behold i was talking with one of the other volunteers and mentioned that I had moved back due to an illness and that I had been knocked out of my business there and his eyes lit up and he goes oh you should talk to one of the managers as he is all into that sort of thing.. so i did and he like holly shit you should talk to this guy and I new who the guy was because he just had a big write up in the paper.. So I'm like yeah I will definitely talk to that guy.. turns out the guy is in the process of doing almost exactly what I have done for decades.. so with a little patience and not picking up i went from miserable in tomorrow, to peaceful in today, to really optimistic about tomorrow..

So here I stand firmly in today with just a little smile on my face about tomorrow.. :D
 
so I'm pretty sure my best friend has relapsed... like hardcore relapsed. it started off with her acting different, just more negative and selfish about situations. then when she was at my house last week, she started talking about using. I was able to talk her out of it for like 10 minutes and then I could tell something was bothering her, and so I asked what was wrong, and she went back to talking about it... which got me to start thinking about it... and then I went and relapsed with her for the next two days. that's the second time this has happened with her too. I'll be fine and won't be thinking about it at all, and then she'll bring it up, and eventually I'll cave. It's not that she pressures me to do it, that's not it at all... it's completely my fault for agreeing to anything... but I don't have that problem when I'm around my other friends, and I'm starting to come to the conclusion that maybe we can't hang out anymore... and it sucks because she's my BEST friend.

so yeah, there were those two days, and then I stopped... but she didn't. she SAYS she stopped as of a few days ago, but she's continuing to do kinda shady shit... nothing that's too big of a deal, but just stuff like she's been bailing on me when we're supposed to hang out and lying about small stuff... she never used to do any of that before, and in the past when she has bailed on me without saying anything, it's because she'd gone out with one of her old friends.

so yeah idk. I have enough other girl friends to survive but still... it's just depressing to know that I can't be around her anymore as much, and I miss her, I mean she's my best friend :(
 
I have had drug dreams every night since I have gotten clean. I quit smoking weed along with quitting the pain pills and I was a life-long smoker so I really never dream at all anymore. Quitting smoking has brought vivid dreams along with it. I only slept maybe 2 hours last night and even in that short time frame I had a using dream. Not only using dreams, dreams I can remember clearly after waking up.

I feel like shit today. Lack of sleep, and terrible anxiety/stomach problems. RLS all night long.

The only thing I'm still on 5mg of diazepam per day. I'll be on 5mg for another week and dropping to 2.5mg for 10 days then I am jumping off for good.

I was clean off benzos for 2 years and got back on them exactly a year ago today. My average dose was probably 40-60mg a day but there were definitely some days where I took 100mg+.

I don't know what I was thinking going back on them, not making that mistake again.
 
i relapsed tomorrow i plan on taking my last dose of xanax then start taking my meds again on oct 6th and see if i can maintain instead of going over bored i'm even gonna have my dad or g pa hold on to it
 
mrflowers00 said:
i relapsed tomorrow i plan on taking my last dose of xanax then start taking my meds again on oct 6th and see if i can maintain instead of going over bored i'm even gonna have my dad or g pa hold on to it
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<3 Take it one day at a time. You can do it bud. <3

Ending of my first 30 Days. It feels like it flew by now that I look at it. Things are going well :).
 
congrats on 30 days, stardust.hero!! that's amazing <3 keep it going everyone :D

so yeah I finally hung out with my best friend today for the first time since I relapsed with her, and she is definitely on a slippery slope. :( hanging out with old friends and doing shady shit. her boyfriend is in jail right now waiting for his court date, and apparently she stole his Tylenol #4 script that he takes for his back or whatever. she had already taken 6 by the time I got there and then took 2 more. and when she was talking about how guilty she felt about it I told her to just put the pills back and it would be fine, like what does she need a whole bottle of codeine pills for? they fucking suck anyway, tylenol #anything just makes you itchy and tired and uncomfortable the whole time... even she said so. And yet her response: "yeah but now that I have them I know I'm just going to take them all." and then she justified it with, "I really did need them for my cramps though." I guess she forgot that she used the cramps excuse last week to justify using and to get out of going out with me one night. she used to go out with me and my friends EVERY time, and she hasn't gone out with us once in the last like 2 and a half weeks. which is how I started to figure out something was going on in the first place.

I don't know anymore, I kinda give up. I don't want to but feel like I've tried everything. It's obvious that she has a serious problem again. I mean... 8 tylenol 4's in the span of a few hours? why? I mean, I know why, but... if it's not heroin, it's any other opiate she can get her hands on. She just keeps saying over and over, "I need to get my groove back... I need to get back on my grind... etc." but then everytime I try to help her do that, either by bringing her out with me and my non-using friends (I'd say our friends but it doesn't really feel that way anymore tbh), or by inviting her over to lay out and exercise, she comes up with an excuse. Usually it's, "I'm not feeling it" or "I'm tired/sick/have cramps" or "I don't feel ready to yet, I'm still depressed/stressed out"... and I'm always just like, "Dude, do you think I feel like going out or exercising half the time or that I feel my 100% best right now either? No but you do it anyway because that's HOW YOU GET BETTER"... she's not getting better, and she doesn't understand why she's not getting better, and at the same time keeps doing the same shit that's keeping her stuck in that cycle and refuses to even TRY to do something for herself to help her break out of it. It seems like all she does lately is make excuses for everything... why her boss is always on her case, why she can't go out at night or hang out during the day, why she "needs" to take this opiate or that one, why her and her family are always fighting. She's being really fucking selfish and kinda shady, I keep catching her in lies and shit... things she doesn't NEED to lie about, I mean really I'm her best friend, she swears I'm gonna judge her... I wouldn't!! But what I WILL judge someone over is when they start lying to me and pulling shady shit behind my back.

I don't know how to get through to her... I don't think I even can anymore. I'm trying my best to be understanding and patient, obviously I know it's not her and it's her addiction that's making her act that way, but dude... still... there comes a point when you need to at least ADMIT that you're doing something wrong and be accountable for your actions. I need to stop stressing about this and just let her do her thing until she learns her lesson on her own... she's an adult, she can save herself... she's gonna have to if she won't let other people help her. And anyway, it's at the point now where the more I try to save her, the further down I'm gonna go with her. I love her but I love myself too and I need to worry about that first.

Other than that (and having a hard time finding a job thanks to my felony), life is good though! Like really REALLY good. I got to be in a music video for my favorite band earlier this week and got to hang out with them all day. That was beyond amazing, I never even dreamed I would ever get an opportunity like that. On top of that, my favorite producer like EVER randomly added me from his personal Facebook and since then we've talked a few times and he's given me advice on producing and helped me make a few sounds. Like, he has tens of thousands of fans, and yet he still takes time out of his day to help some of us out personally. I can't even describe how ridiculously and impossibly amazing THAT whole thing is... I mean, to have the person who inspires you the most and who you've been a fan of for ages reach out to you like that in the first place... and then, to top it all off, act as a mentor... is beyond words. Also, my friend hooked me up with a full set of DJ equipment. There are no words that are good enough to describe how this week has been. <3 <3 <3

Back to the topic of addiction though (there was a point to me writing all of that out haha), this week was exactly what I needed to get me back on track. It's crazy because last week I was on the verge of breaking down and I read something that said something like, "If you have a need for something in your life, all you have to do is ask for it and the need will present itself." So I did, and I prayed and said, "I don't even know what it is that I need exactly, but I need help to get through this." And then all this amazing stuff started happening seemingly all at once, and it DID give me the strength to get through the really tough parts. Bonus: it made me really grateful for my addiction, cuz if I had never been through what I did I wouldn't appreciate what I have now. Being an addict taught me how to live fearlessly and how to love myself and others the way we're all meant to be loved. It taught me how to be patient and at the same time, how to not waste a single moment. And now the universe is teaching me that when you put good intentions and good vibes out into the world, and when you do your best to love everyone and only want the best for others, and when you aren't afraid to put yourself out there and take chances and you work hard, life will bring all of that good stuff back to you tenfold. I really do believe that my change in attitude and almost-tireless optimism is the reason that I've had the opportunity to experience the things that I never would have imagined could actually happen in my wildest dreams. And I also believe that change in attitude NEVER would have happened if I didn't lose everything first.

Having lost everything does suck, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it hits me that I'm in my 20's and here I am, having to rebuild my life literally from scratch. And I do have to rebuild EVERYTHING - my relationships, career, credit score, school - and some areas of my life are getting back to normal quicker than others, but other areas are going to take an enormous amount of time and about a million baby steps to get there. And that's okay. The journey back to the top - the accomplishments, big or small, AND the setbacks and obstacles you face on the way there - are part of what makes it so beautiful <3
 
xburtonchic said:
congrats on 30 days, stardust.hero!! that's amazing <3 keep it going everyone :D

so yeah I finally hung out with my best friend today for the first time since I relapsed with her, and she is definitely on a slippery slope. :( hanging out with old friends and doing shady shit. her boyfriend is in jail right now waiting for his court date, and apparently she stole his Tylenol #4 script that he takes for his back or whatever. she had already taken 6 by the time I got there and then took 2 more. and when she was talking about how guilty she felt about it I told her to just put the pills back and it would be fine, like what does she need a whole bottle of codeine pills for? they fucking suck anyway, tylenol #anything just makes you itchy and tired and uncomfortable the whole time... even she said so. And yet her response: "yeah but now that I have them I know I'm just going to take them all." and then she justified it with, "I really did need them for my cramps though." I guess she forgot that she used the cramps excuse last week to justify using and to get out of going out with me one night. she used to go out with me and my friends EVERY time, and she hasn't gone out with us once in the last like 2 and a half weeks. which is how I started to figure out something was going on in the first place.

I don't know anymore, I kinda give up. I don't want to but feel like I've tried everything. It's obvious that she has a serious problem again. I mean... 8 tylenol 4's in the span of a few hours? why? I mean, I know why, but... if it's not heroin, it's any other opiate she can get her hands on. She just keeps saying over and over, "I need to get my groove back... I need to get back on my grind... etc." but then everytime I try to help her do that, either by bringing her out with me and my non-using friends (I'd say our friends but it doesn't really feel that way anymore tbh), or by inviting her over to lay out and exercise, she comes up with an excuse. Usually it's, "I'm not feeling it" or "I'm tired/sick/have cramps" or "I don't feel ready to yet, I'm still depressed/stressed out"... and I'm always just like, "Dude, do you think I feel like going out or exercising half the time or that I feel my 100% best right now either? No but you do it anyway because that's HOW YOU GET BETTER"... she's not getting better, and she doesn't understand why she's not getting better, and at the same time keeps doing the same shit that's keeping her stuck in that cycle and refuses to even TRY to do something for herself to help her break out of it. It seems like all she does lately is make excuses for everything... why her boss is always on her case, why she can't go out at night or hang out during the day, why she "needs" to take this opiate or that one, why her and her family are always fighting. She's being really fucking selfish and kinda shady, I keep catching her in lies and shit... things she doesn't NEED to lie about, I mean really I'm her best friend, she swears I'm gonna judge her... I wouldn't!! But what I WILL judge someone over is when they start lying to me and pulling shady shit behind my back.

I don't know how to get through to her... I don't think I even can anymore. I'm trying my best to be understanding and patient, obviously I know it's not her and it's her addiction that's making her act that way, but dude... still... there comes a point when you need to at least ADMIT that you're doing something wrong and be accountable for your actions. I need to stop stressing about this and just let her do her thing until she learns her lesson on her own... she's an adult, she can save herself... she's gonna have to if she won't let other people help her. And anyway, it's at the point now where the more I try to save her, the further down I'm gonna go with her. I love her but I love myself too and I need to worry about that first.
Click to expand...

Thanks xburt <3
Sorry to hear about your friend, it's so difficult to wittiness someone you care about spiral into destruction as you're forced to watch and wait (knowing what the outcome will be if they continue :( )

Have a listen to this song and pay attention to mainly the lyrics I think they'll identify with you and your friend and her addiction and you wishing for her to seek help and be well. I basically see it as a person/lover who's friend/SO has an addiction and he is talking to them (even though it seems as though they can't hear him) he hopes they wake up soon and realize what's going on:

NSFW:



Lyrics:
Breathe in deep
I want you to
That's why the arm came for you
Help you up, help you out
To help you through
That's why the arm came for you
(my interpretation is the arm is him asking to help the person)

You faded into a different shade
A completely different hue
Of a kind of blue
In a lifeless carcass
In a bad ass car crash
Hopefully you'll wake up soon
Hopefully you do
I want you to
(my interpretaion of this segment is that the addicts use have turned them into a different person (shade of blue seems like a nod to someone ODing on opioids. He just wishes that they will realize it's gone too far possibly due to ODing and he wants them to wake up to it.)

That's why the arm came for you
That's why the arm came for you
That's why the arm came for you

Now you'll see how it feels
To live like a bee
Always searching, for what's honey
And the veins made some stains
When they burst from your legs
Your anxiety is a tapestry
(This part I can relate honey to the users DOC and their relentless and endless search for it)

Now you'll swim until it's deep
Until it feels like you're asleep
Against the sound of warning cries
Which you don't hear
Like you're not here
In a lifeless carcass in a bad ass car crash
Hopefully you wake up soon
Hopefully you do
I want you to
(The user will not stop and continues until they do it too much that it's difficult to turn back now.

That's why the arm came for you
That's why the arm came for you
That's why the arm came for you

Don't go to sleep, don't want you to
That's why the arm came for you
Need you to even if it's pointless to
Let your arms carry you
(they writer realizes that he has no control over the persons use and they are begging them to take the arm (help--whatever form it may be)

You're mine, you're mine
You'll always be mine
Lord knows I tried to keep you from leaving
Maybe I tried
(the writer realizes the person has been lost to the addiction despite their efforts, they will always love them but they need to distance themselves for their own sake, to keep themselves safe. Though they feel guilt maybe I tried as in they don't feel like they've done enough and maybe could have continued to try)

You're mine, you're mine
Is that why I lied
If I tell the truth
You weren't breathing
Maybe I'll try
Girl I lie
(I interpret this as they are saying goodbye to the person they used to know. They are admitting that they lied (possibly going along with the persons addiction to stay in contact with them as they tried to help) but they admit they failed and the person is now beyond their ability to help.)

(Of course all of that is open to interpretation, I don't know what the writer originally meant the song to be about, but that's how I identify with it.)


Sometimes you do just need to worry about yourself <3.

xburtonchic said:
Other than that (and having a hard time finding a job thanks to my felony), life is good though! Like really REALLY good. I got to be in a music video for my favorite band earlier this week and got to hang out with them all day. That was beyond amazing, I never even dreamed I would ever get an opportunity like that. On top of that, my favorite producer like EVER randomly added me from his personal Facebook and since then we've talked a few times and he's given me advice on producing and helped me make a few sounds. Like, he has tens of thousands of fans, and yet he still takes time out of his day to help some of us out personally. I can't even describe how ridiculously and impossibly amazing THAT whole thing is... I mean, to have the person who inspires you the most and who you've been a fan of for ages reach out to you like that in the first place... and then, to top it all off, act as a mentor... is beyond words. Also, my friend hooked me up with a full set of DJ equipment. There are no words that are good enough to describe how this week has been. <3 <3 <3

Back to the topic of addiction though (there was a point to me writing all of that out haha), this week was exactly what I needed to get me back on track. It's crazy because last week I was on the verge of breaking down and I read something that said something like, "If you have a need for something in your life, all you have to do is ask for it and the need will present itself." So I did, and I prayed and said, "I don't even know what it is that I need exactly, but I need help to get through this." And then all this amazing stuff started happening seemingly all at once, and it DID give me the strength to get through the really tough parts. Bonus: it made me really grateful for my addiction, cuz if I had never been through what I did I wouldn't appreciate what I have now. Being an addict taught me how to live fearlessly and how to love myself and others the way we're all meant to be loved. It taught me how to be patient and at the same time, how to not waste a single moment. And now the universe is teaching me that when you put good intentions and good vibes out into the world, and when you do your best to love everyone and only want the best for others, and when you aren't afraid to put yourself out there and take chances and you work hard, life will bring all of that good stuff back to you tenfold. I really do believe that my change in attitude and almost-tireless optimism is the reason that I've had the opportunity to experience the things that I never would have imagined could actually happen in my wildest dreams. And I also believe that change in attitude NEVER would have happened if I didn't lose everything first.

Having lost everything does suck, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it hits me that I'm in my 20's and here I am, having to rebuild my life literally from scratch. And I do have to rebuild EVERYTHING - my relationships, career, credit score, school - and some areas of my life are getting back to normal quicker than others, but other areas are going to take an enormous amount of time and about a million baby steps to get there. And that's okay. The journey back to the top - the accomplishments, big or small, AND the setbacks and obstacles you face on the way there - are part of what makes it so beautiful <3
Click to expand...

That is beautiful. Though I would love to go back and never choose that first drug, I don't regret the person I really have become and the lessons I've learned from the experience. It made the world a completely different place than what it would have been had I not of done drugs. Both in a good and bad way. It sounds corny but I believe that we are meant to live the lives we live. I guess that's believing in destiny--that there really isn't a choice and we are preprogrammed to accept and do everything that we do. If I wasn't meant to be this person, I wouldn't be and since this is who I am, I am grateful and will make myself the best person I can be and hopefully at the end of my life I will be satisfied with everything I have accomplished. :) <3

I really like your outlook, I enjoyed reading it, and can identify with it a lot. I am very thankful to have been given the chance to know such wonderful people such as those that frequent our Recovery Forums, and Bluelight in general. Thanks for reminding me why I am thankful for the life that was given to me.

As for my progress, today is the first day of my 2nd Month (or Day 31). Feeling fantastic. Woke up at 7am before my boyfriend was awake, made him a lunch for work and coffee for when he woke up. He left at 10 so I spent the past hour vacuuming and dusting the bedroom (I still have the rest of the house to finish) but gosh darn the amount of dust and pet hair! I've been neglecting cleaning for the past 4 months (at least) so it feels fantastic to have everything clean and dust free. I was starting to get allergic to all the dust so I'm feeling really accomplished today.

September here in FL is cooling down so I'm going to plan for a long walk later this evening with the dogs (to honor my commitment this month to begin a light exercise regimen).

Keep it going strong guys we've made it 21 days into September. Lets finish this month off with a bang! <3


itSzA2j.png


Sending Love ;)
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xburtonchic said:
Having lost everything does suck, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it hits me that I'm in my 20's and here I am, having to rebuild my life literally from scratch. And I do have to rebuild EVERYTHING - my relationships, career, credit score, school - and some areas of my life are getting back to normal quicker than others, but other areas are going to take an enormous amount of time and about a million baby steps to get there. And that's okay. The journey back to the top - the accomplishments, big or small, AND the setbacks and obstacles you face on the way there - are part of what makes it so beautiful <3
Click to expand...
Your amazing burt.. and I love this<3
 
Thanks neversick for your words, made me feel a lot better. I still don't know if I should tell my girl. It would upset her so much, especially stealing from her friend and using behind her back. It might end the relationship, I don't know. What do you think?
 
I not advocating keeping things from your lady.. but on this one I would not tell her. It seemed like your addiction caught you off guard to some extent and you found yourself in a place that you caved and used. What would be the positive of telling her really.. cause if its just to dump your guilt I would not as it seems like you may be willing to hurt someone else to try and clear your conscious. I dont know though this is a tuff one. As its hard to have a strong relationship with secretes.. Maybe I would look at a few responses to the question of weather of not to tell her and go from there.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them
or others.
 
GUYS! (and gals)!

WHATS UP?!?!


I'm a slacker, I know. Haven't been around lately. My Girlfriend moved a couple hours away for school today, so I've spent the last few weeks spending as much time as possible with her. I'm sad, but it's not like I didn't know this was going to happen - I knew exactly what I was getting into. On the flip side I'm extremely happy for her. She got sober young enough that she didn't totally fuck up high school, and got strait into a 4 year school! I know I haven't closed any doors on my life but seeing her do this made me realize how much I regret fucking that up for myself. I can still go to a university, but not before getting strait As at a community college for a couple years. Not to mention the time it will take to get through the plethora of classes i wont get credit for, the shit I need to "re learn" from high school. But you know what? She's inspired me. I'ma do what I know I'm capable of doing. :)

Also, I've finally moved up from resident advisor at my SLE and I have a paid management position now. The compensation sucks, but there isn't much work to be done and the responsibility is good for me. Plus there's plenty of room for another part time job.

All in all, I'm doin alright. a bit more than 4 months sober now, though I have been slacking. I need to call my sponsor (might need to find a new one, it's been a minute....) and get back to working steps. I still hit meetings but that isn't enough and I've been feeling it lately. HELLA restless irritable and discontent.


I hope everyone is doing alright. <3
 
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