scribbles in my notebook [open for critique]

[jameslovesyou]

i've got an hour before drumming
and i can't stop humming
that tune
a rune
pressed against my forehead
the exchange...
is simple
transformative

beth sings about
weeping stars
and i think about how far i went
creeping in the silence~
of passive violence
ALL OF IT
scribbles in my notebook
my throat shook
on that note
quivering in delight
at the endless possibilties
pleased with the outcome so far
i can't imagine the next chapter
much less the next line

but since space = time
this place = mine
i will use its fullness

butterflies to nectar
this breath
the best ever

nothing assumed
or taken for granted
babylon chanted
~down~
every word
a prayer for peace
every word
a prayer for peace
every word a prayer
that we will all see
simultaneously
...fucking finally.

 

[echo off]

i'm sorry i'm not very good at critiquing... i can only give you "paryer" in the fifth last line isn't a word, but maybe you meant that.

i really like:
"but since space = time
this place = mine
i will use its fullness"
i also like that it feels open, in that it could be about more things than one... may i ask what you wrote it about?

 

[colicolo]

james,

this piece seems like it was straight off the cuff in to the fresh open air
like sky diving with a pen, this is adrenelin charged.
it says to me that this is who you are. i wouldnt change a thing.

col

 

[(Wordy)]

My favourite lines:

that tune
a rune
pressed against my forehead

this piece seems like it was straight off the cuff in to the fresh open air
like sky diving with a pen

Totally agree with this - I think that's true of most of your stuff... it has that freewheeling stream of consciousness / 'off the dome' feel to it. It's like you're trying to access the divine oneness through the everyday / quotidian ("I've got an hour before drumming"). Your style straddles song lyrics and 'full-blown' poetry (whatever that means), somewhere between the Beats and hip hop.

So I guess I'd critique this kind of work as a piece for performance, rather than as poetry on the page. I'd love to hear you perform your stuff. But if you were trying to make it work as text alone, I'd say you have to work a little harder to avoid cliched or forced rhymes (don't get me wrong, there are some solid rhymes, but some are stronger than others), and to expand/deepen your use of metaphor and imagery. I think this would also boost the 'wow' factor when performing to an audience. The impact of a poem depends on its ability to conjure effects in the mind (and emotions) of the reader... you've got to work on the mind's eye, the mind's ear, the mind's skin, the mind's nose, the mind's tongue, the spinal chord and the heart. You're definitely on the right track, and I like the risks you take, but any poet has to remind themselves what they're trying to achieve. IMO, what we're trying to achieve is to blow people's minds, like blowing embers (vivid amber).

 

[jameslovesyou]

thank you all so much. i am a baby poet and i never revise. the peices i post here are straight out of my head. i do write them to be spoken...nest one i'll spend some time revising and see where it goes.

namaste.