Screwed by bad choices and as situation out of my control

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Azure Cloud I am glad that you got sober. Good luck.

 

[Azure Cloud]

Azure Cloud I am glad that you got sober. Good luck.

Thank you priest. I'm hanging on by my fingernails.

I'm on my second day not smoking or vaping nicotine. I think this along with exercise will be my fastest tract to getting my energy levels up to a reasonable level. I was using disposable style ecigs and I swear it hurt my lungs as bad as constable cigarettes.

Day 19 clean of stimulants, day 9 clean of opiates and on day 2free of nicotine.

 

[Azure Cloud]

From what I recall day 3 off cigarettes is the hardest. Man I craved 'em little cancer-death-sticks yesterday and I wants one this morning. Sucks. The irony is that I'm actually hitting the gym, got there yesterday morning and this morning. Did weight training and cardio. Even ran/jog/walked the dog last night. I guess, as with any drug, the better I feel the stronger the mental cravings will become.

21 days amphetamine free. Opiate free....Idk..I could look back at my thread but I've been counting from a 2 day relapse so fuck it I'm using my days amphetamine free as my sober time. Day 4 of being mostly nicotine free (day 3 was a bitch in the cravings department; I got to be stronger today as the health and happiness of future Me depends on it).

 

[swilow]

I just wanted to briefly post about how moving, sad and inspiring I have found reading this thread. Azure Cloud, it is truly beautiful to hear of your hardships and yet see the contrasting positivity, selflessness and true compassionate insight that you have found within you.

I wish you all the best, for you and your family.

 

[foolsgold]

nice one Azure Cloud still struggling myself with the stims and benzo but getting there hopefully

 

[Azure Cloud]

I just wanted to briefly post about how moving, sad and inspiring I have found reading this thread. Azure Cloud, it is truly beautiful to hear of your hardships and yet see the contrasting positivity, selflessness and true compassionate insight that you have found within you.

I wish you all the best, for you and your family.

Thank you willow ! I appreciate the kind words more than I can express. I've been to the darkest place I never wanted to know. If I fuck this up I could end up at an even worse place but as long as I stay sober and keep trying my situation can only get better. I got people literally depending on me, I can't fuck this up. The support I've found here on BL has been instrumental to the success of my recovery so far. I'll never be able to give back what's been given to me but I'll pay it forward the best I can.?

 

[Azure Cloud]

nice one Azure Cloud still struggling myself with the stims and benzo but getting there hopefully

Foolsgold, you can do it. For me baby steps work best. Tapering off stimulants is a hard proposition but basically I forced myself to lower my dosage and take days off before jumping ship completely and i believe this really did help keep the crash to a minimum once I was done with the shit.

Struggling with your addicting means your are heading in the right direction. To be able to abstain for the long term from such powerful psychologically addicting drugs takes motivation and mental fortitude; this we find during the struggle.

good luck foolsgold I wish you well

 

[swilow]

Thank you willow ! I appreciate the kind words more than I can express. I've been to the darkest place I never wanted to know. If I fuck this up I could end up at an even worse place but as long as I stay sober and keep trying my situation can only get better. I got people literally depending on me, I can't fuck this up. The support I've found here on BL has been instrumental to the success of my recovery so far. I'll never be able to give back what's been given to me but I'll pay it forward the best I can.��

We are indeed lucky that such a community exists. I owe a fair of my recovery to bluelight, though in an obscure way, as I ceased interacting here for a good 2 years. I will also do my best to pay it forward.

 

[Azure Cloud]

We are indeed lucky that such a community exists. I owe a fair of my recovery to bluelight, though in an obscure way, as I ceased interacting here for a good 2 years. I will also do my best to pay it forward.

It is so weird to think long ago I came to BL to better understand the drugs I was abusing or to research drugs I was planning to take. Now I'm here learning how to live without drugs. One really can go full circle here.

Day 22 amphetamine free. Day 5 off cigarettes and the cravings seem to be lessening, thank goodness.

Been to the gym everyday this week and walking/jogging the dog for the last 2 weeks pretty consistently. I got to tell you guys, compared to a month ago I am feeling great! ...at least so far today....

 

[herbavore]

So glad that you are feeling positive, azure. Getting to the gym everyday is amazing--I so lack motivation right now. I have to do physical therapy exercises 3X a day and I can barely muster the energy for those.8)

 

[Azure Cloud]

So glad that you are feeling positive, azure. Getting to the gym everyday is amazing--I so lack motivation right now. I have to do physical therapy exercises 3X a day and I can barely muster the energy for those.8)

Thank you herbavore.
...I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. Sometimes mindful remembrance of the good we have brought into the world or the differences we've made in the life of another can help to pull one out of a funk. Herbavore your thoughtful and caring words have made the difference for so many here on the dark side, I mean you need to really know you've done more good on this website than most people do with their whole life. Though not obvious in a material way, you've accomplished far more than most ever will. No matter how you feel physically, you have the right to feel really good about yourself!

 

[T. Calderone]

I agree wholeheartedly- Herbavore is awesome & has the perspective and compassion few people possess. So don't ever leave us Herbie!

Azure, you sound like you're doing so much better and I'm proud of you. I was able to get off alcohol and drugs but still smoking. It's so hard when Pop smokes 3 packs a day here and yes that's a cop out I know. How did you manage to quit cigarettes?

 

[Azure Cloud]

I agree wholeheartedly- Herbavore is awesome & has the perspective and compassion few people possess. So don't ever leave us Herbie!

Azure, you sound like you're doing so much better and I'm proud of you. I was able to get off alcohol and drugs but still smoking. It's so hard when Pop smokes 3 packs a day here and yes that's a cop out I know. How did you manage to quit cigarettes?

I'm only thru 5 days on this cigarette cessation experiment. I'm hardly out of the woods yet. I've quit for 2 years before so I know I cannot be too sure that I'll never pick up again. Mostly I'm just disgusted with the whole thing. Every time I smoke a cigarette I ask myself, why do I hate the me that will exist 10-20 years in the future so much that I'm willing to throw away health and longevity because I think I need to smoke. For weeks every time I smoked a cigarette I paid attention to how I felt physically and emotionally right before smoking and right after smoking. I never felt any better once done with the cigarette.

I'll be honest, not smoking is hard. Until it is just too late, the effects of cigarette smoking on health can creep so slowly that the destruction of lung function can easily be ignored unless one is willing to do some serious self reflection over a 5, 10 or 20 year period. Any long term smoker, if honest with themselves, will have to admit that damage has been done. The only way to judge the extent to which such damage is possibly reversible is to stop smoking.

So yeah, that was my mindset while finding motivation to quit the cigarettes. Shit got real on day 3 when the cravings started hitting me in a bad way. Unfortunately my wife can't jump aboard the train with me. Although she hides her cigarettes from me I have had a few butts out of the ash tray over the last 2 days. Not enough to equal a whole cigarette, but enough that I question my fortitude. I told myself "no more" earlier today, I'll just eat a piece of fruit instead or chew gum or do something or wait out the craving because it does stop.

This week I've been to the gym every morning. Every night I take my dog out for a 1.5 - 3 mile walk/jog. Nothing monumental but a good start to a more healthy and satisfying lifestyle. Cigarette smoking has no place in my future - that's what I have to remember....and the future starts now!

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I like this thread. Much good progress can be seen over the course of it.

 

[Azure Cloud]

I like this thread. Much good progress can be seen over the course of it.

Thank you Cat?
I still feel kinda fucked tbh. 44 years old is kind of late for one to still be finding their way in this world.

The new job isn't working out well. I'm considered an independent contractor so my success and ability to support my family rests squarely on my shoulders. Ultimately if I fail it is of little consequence to the company I work for.

Some days, like today, I wake up so stressed about all this that I can barely justify staying sober. ...I will stay sober, but it won't feel good.

 

[Xorkoth]

Justification for staying sober: because if you do, soon you'll feel good again and will be able to function so much better, hence being able to support your family so much better. And if you don't, then you won't.

This week I've been to the gym every morning. Every night I take my dog out for a 1.5 - 3 mile walk/jog. Nothing monumental but a good start to a more healthy and satisfying lifestyle. Cigarette smoking has no place in my future - that's what I have to remember....and the future starts now!

Awesome man! That will start to help you so much, You'll never want to stop.

 

[Azure Cloud]

Thank you Xorkoth, I needed to see that put into words this morning. ...still stressed as shit but one thing I know for sure, using will do the very opposite of helping my situation.

 

[Xorkoth]

Glad I could help.

 

[Azure Cloud]

I fucking hate my job. I've been at it since mid June. First job since my brother/employer passed away. I'm basically living off the last commissions I earned while working for my brother.

This new job seemed great in theory, selling premium high performance products used in almost ever industry. I did not realize how mature the market would be; that combined with the fact that the manufacturer that I represent has never had any market presence here before make for a very tough sell.

Basically I drive around all day spending my money on gasoline so that I can be regected over and over again every day....all day,every fucking day. I feel like I must be dead and in mental hell.

This ain't no good. I need to catch a break. I guess all this combined with my nascent recovery just makes me feel so fragile and on the verge of breaking. ....I'm not saying this makes me want to use, but the constant state of anxiety due to the job and dwindling finances can't be helping with my recovery.

I know a lot of it is temporary but part of me is scared that I just won't ever be able to properly support my family or even be happy again.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just needed to vent; I just need to know that someone somewhere acknowledges and empathize with what I'm struggling thru right now.

 

[Xorkoth]

I'm sorry man, that must be tough. Stressful jobs can be really detrimental to your mental health. Maybe you could try looking for a new job while still doing this one? There's always something else out there, even if it can be hard to find.

I actually like my job, it's a sweet gig, and even though sometimes I just don't want to work, it does remove a huge potential stressor from my life.

Hang in there man, what you're going through certainly sucks but I'm sure you can be a good provider, you already are simply because you care so much and work so hard despite your misery to provide for your family. You obviously love them very much and that's a wonderful thing.