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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Screwed by bad choices and as situation out of my control

omen_owen mk2 said:
Sweet, really nice to hear you're having some positives in your life.:)
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Thank you for the support. And it is nice to be able to recognize the positives in my life. So many times I just focus on the negatives, internally shaming myself for bad decisions or, even worse, for situations totally out if my control. Letting myself acknowledge the positive bits in my life is a bigstep forward...if I can hold onto the perception.
 
Today was great! Well relatively speaking. No real motivation, still would rather sit on my ass than move. But no depression. Feel alert in my head. Did stuff I had to do. Did not do any drug!

Honestly the Adderall I took for the interview was only about 5mg out of an extended release capsule so I was not expecting any additional withdrawals.

Went out to dinner with my son and my father. Oh that was excellent. My son got to watch my dad (74 year old silver fox) hit on two hostesses and the waitress. At least now I'm not "the most perverted" man in the world anymore. So much fun.

A great day overall!
 
Thank you herbavore. Great days do rock. I'm going to try it again, having another great day today. Any day substance free with clarity of mind is great, imo.

I'm tired and don't want to move, but I know I have stuff that needs to get done in order to keep my home in order. If I can get even just accomplish a significant fraction of these chores, I can feel like I've been productive and that helps me to feel a lot better about myself.

Here's to feeling a little better everyday!

.....I have one more script of Adderall due for refill sometime within the next two weeks. What really sucks is it is due for pickup on my birthday. It will be so easy to justify filling it because I'll want to feel good on my birthday.

But I know that not filling it would be the best present I could give myself.

Pray/hope/wish for me to do the right thing guys!
 
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Wow, what a difference two weeks make. Well two weeks if only counting when I started this thread. In truth the last six months have been a major emotional and spiritual journey for me. The kind of journey that rode me hard and put me up wet. I have seen the darkest depths of my soul (oh lord I hope I never travel to an even darker place). After two weeks of tapering down and intermittent abstinence, followed by almost six days of complete sobriety, if not for this thread, I might be able to forget where I have been. I cannot let that happen. I must actively remember how low I can sink from just one bad decision.

But here I am. 180 degrees away from that enveloping darkness I felt forever trapped in two weeks ago. I feel pretty damn good now. Every day there is more energy. Everyday it is easier to motivate myself. Everyday I want to celebrate my sobriety with a fist-fool of pills. So far, everyday I have beaten back a DEMON. Everyday I grow more content with the limited person that I am.

Since I began this thread I received 3 months worth of back commissions from my old job. Enough to live off of for several months. Just today I was given the good news that I will have an awesome job I originally applied for back in February. The irony with the new job is that it was the first job I applied for since being out of work. I used a resume everyone said was wrong. I was honest in my cover letter as to why I was out of work; everyone said this casted me a sad case with a victim mentality. But you know what, I did not give up. I continually called (but did not pester) the hiring manager to check on the status of the open position. He finally said the job was mine because I obviously wanted the job more than any of the other candidates.

I am still sober.

I am very proud of myself for everything I accomplished.

But I did not do this on my own. A lot of dumb luck was involved and I am lucky to have a better support structure in my life than I had previously realized.

Today, while feeling on top of the world I had an epiphany. This epiphany sucks. My older brother took good care of me at my old job. I did not have to try to hard to make a good living. If my brother had not taken his own life, I do not know if I would ever be as proud of myself as I am today. This FUCKING SUCKS!!!! I am happy and sad and clear of mind yet confused as shit all at the same time. I guess I will have to come to terms with this somehow. But for now all I can thinks is "bittersweet". Life is bittersweet as in the more bitter you taste the sweeter the good parts are.

But I will attempt to ride this out Adderall and opiate free. All I have to do is play the tape forward, reread my original post in this thread and I know where I will be if I fuck up again.

Right now I am excited and planning my future. I have a long week (a week with two weekends) between the end of my son's school year and the day I fly out for training in my new job to plan a badass family vacation. I suggest driving to Gulf Shores for some beach action, my son want to go to Washington D.C. - because he wants to compare our country's actual capitol city with the apocalyptic version he is always seeing in the video games he play (ah, a dork just like dad. but a much cooler dork than I ever was).

I don't know much guys, but I know life is pretty sweet right now!
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Start getting clean and good shit starts happening. Weird that innit.%)
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Oh man, you have no idea. Especially true is the corollary - I had to stop going to strip clubs because every time I'd drop a couple $100's there I swear to God I'd have car trouble the next day and wish I still had that money. It was like the universe had me on a shock collar for training purposes.

Yeah man, I'm a believer that life gets better one good decision at a time.
 
Guys, I need inspiration. Please inspire me.

My script is due tomorrow. Why can I not chunk the piece 'o paper in the trash/shredder/BBQ grill?

Wife said she would hold the pills for me, if I wanted, and dole 'em out daily as prescribed. I don't know? My gut tells me that is a bad idea, but not as bad as my own ideas.

...gulp..help...
 
Just do it without thinking.

You've got to turn the corner on this at some point so it might as well be now. Either you do it now or you end up in this same predicament in a months time, or the month after that, or a month after that.....

It will take 30 seconds to walk to the cooker and burn it. Do it.:)
 
Omen, you are right. My heart knows this. But it is still hard to do.

Drug recovery - when doing nothing is the hardest thing you'll ever do.
 
It is hard to do.

If you don't do it now you're going to have at least another month of all the shit you've been going through over the last month and be back in exactly the same position as you are now. What's the point in that?
 
Stop being a fanny and burn the fucker! You've had a good few days off the speed and you've been much happier since doing it so just burn it.<3
 
I need to think of a proper reward for doing this. Other drugs and strippers are out of the question. Maybe I can shag the wife when Nana picks my son up for dinner.

...this post is proof that I don't need drugs to be a fuck up.
 
Lol neither do I but just burn it already. Ask your wife if she'll let you do her up the bum if you burn it or something...I'm running out of ideas here=D
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Lol neither do I but just burn it already. Ask your wife if she'll let you do her up the bum if you burn it or something...I'm running out of ideas here=D
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Lol, that made me laugh.

Unfortunately I went to dinner with son and Nana. Now I can't shag wife until much later.

No bum shagging, I like the tight balloon knot look of it.
 
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