Saying, 'Thank you' after receiving a compliment?

[Fjones]

How often does a woman ask the guy out to dinner?

I find it a bit of an absurdity if a woman thinks, "No, I don't expect the guy to pay for my diner, I think whoever ASKS the other to dinner should pay. But I never ask a guy out to dinner because I think the guy should be the one to ask."

 

[LoveAlways]

Apparently I would not get a second date with the women in this thread simply because I am going through a stretch of financial trouble.

Lol, no-you wouldn't get a second date because your general outlook on life is so negative which is heinous to be around. You complain too much, overreact, and are extremely defensive. I know you already know this about yourself...

IMO Generally speaking, women like to be with men (I'm speaking in a mature sense, not like 16 yr olds) who can take care of themselves. It isn't about being a gold digger-its proof that if you can pay to take me out to dinner you are capable of at least taking care of yourself.

Also, for the record by definition "classy" means

adjective, class⋅i⋅er, class⋅i⋅est. Informal. of high class, rank, or grade; stylish; admirably smart; elegant.

So, yeah buying a girl dinner is classy!

I dont think that merely paying for dinner indicates an automatic right to sex or a relationship afterwards-that depends entirely on how the meal goes

I dated one guy with whom I always split the meal. We went out frequently for about 5-6 months and he was wonderful. But of course it was understood that neither one of us wanted anything serious, and I think splitting the bill was indicative of that.

Men give into this social stigma as well-I had a boyfriend who after a few years stopped working and was totally cool with me being the only one with a job bringing in income. When we would go out to eat he would ask for cash or one of my credit cards just so he could be seen paying the bill-even though it was my money

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Fjones, come on.

I didn't say I need the guy to take me out of a $35 a meal date. This is not an issue of me or any other woman who agreed with me being a gold-digger so please don't even take it in that direction.

No matter how poor you are, if you're actually in a place to GO out to dinner, you can find a way to pay for the other person's meal somehow. Make a picnic and go to the beach or the park, cook dinner in your home, go to a cheap restaruant, etc. If you can't do that, you must be in a dire financial situation in which I would say building a romantic relationship should be the least of your concern.

Generally, it just takes EFFORT, which most guys don't see any need to make anymore. It's not about the guy having cash. Could any guy with some money in his pocket pay for the meal? Sure, but that doesn't mean he's going to need to feel the effort to do so. My ex was not a rich man but when we went out to dinner he made an effort to save up money to pay for the meal. I found this to be a sign of respect and appreciation, and meant a lot to me because of the fact that I knew he did not have a lot of money, so it was 7589324493x more meaningful. Most of the time we cooked dinner at his apartment, which was fine with me. But to start claiming that this is rididiculous because woman want to be treated the same as men and this pushes us back, is utter bullshit. I find it funny how so many men (outside of her) are so quick to bring this up when at the same time they don't treat women equally in ANY other sense.... interesting this is a popular area to decide to even out the equality. (I don't know any of ya'll well enough to say this applies to you, just something I've noticed when discussing this case with males). Women wanting to be treated equally is not an excuse for males to become lazy and drop the chivalry. Don't want to date me because of that? Fine, that is one of the qualities I look for the males I date and I will say that is not lost to many.

As for the comment, what I implied was whether the guy had paid for dinner or not I would not have wanted to go out a second date with him.

Like I said in my post, I agree with Redleader, the person who asks pays. I don't ask guys out, so in my case that would be the male.

Same goes for any acts of chivalry. Women are not treated equally anymore now than they were 20 years ago,

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Lol, no-you wouldn't get a second date because your general outlook on life is so negative which is heinous to be around. You complain too much, overreact, and are extremely defensive. I know you already know this about yourself...

IMO Generally speaking, women like to be with men (I'm speaking in a mature sense, not like 16 yr olds) who can take care of themselves. It isn't about being a gold digger-its proof that if you can pay to take me out to dinner you are capable of at least taking care of yourself.

Also, for the record by definition "classy" means

So, yeah buying a girl dinner is classy!

I dont think that merely paying for dinner indicates an automatic right to sex or a relationship afterwards-that depends entirely on how the meal goes

I dated one guy with whom I always split the meal. We went out frequently for about 5-6 months and he was wonderful. But of course it was understood that neither one of us wanted anything serious, and I think splitting the bill was indicative of that.

Men give into this social stigma as well-I had a boyfriend who after a few years stopped working and was totally cool with me being the only one with a job bringing in income. When we would go out to eat he would ask for cash or one of my credit cards just so he could be seen paying the bill-even though it was my money

Agree 100%.

 

[RedLeader]

^ Nicely put redleader.

Thanks.

I love how I just put up random nonsense that barely makes sense to me, but AmorRoark always kinda gets it.

I have another stream-of-though.

Lots of times, it's confusing as to whether something is a "date" or a "social outing" (or "hanging out" or whatever....). Becasue we all know that there's very much a gray area here, you've both theorized about it with your respective friends, but not with each other, surely not. So attempting to play off of the stereotype that the persuer pays, "I got it" when asked if it's "together or separate," one could just in another way than making a physical move be showing a romantic interest in an otherwise gray situation. It's not always the case, but such an action (especially if done right) can sure bring about an omg lik this is like a date! feel.

Either that, or the whole "together or separate" question being such a potetial awkward hurricane draws people temporarily out of their own element and into a mindset of just trying to "do what's normal." What's normal in our society? A man to say "I've got it", and not be offended by a woman saying "separate checks." I'll leave the other cases intetionally blank

Both of these themes add more complication to the issue at heart.

 

[RedLeader]

Generally, it just takes EFFORT, which most guys don't see any need to make anymore. It's not about the guy having cash. Could any guy with some money in his pocket pay for the meal? Sure, but that doesn't mean he's going to need to feel the effort to do so. My ex was not a rich man but when we went out to dinner he made an effort to save up money to pay for the meal. I found this to be a sign of respect and appreciation, and meant a lot to me because of the fact that I knew he did not have a lot of money, so it was 7589324493x more meaningful.

Did you do this for him too? Ever think he would have found your doing-so to be just as much a sign of respect and appreciation? If not, why?

 

[Fjones]

Lol, no-you wouldn't get a second date because your general outlook on life is so negative which is heinous to be around. You complain too much, overreact, and are extremely defensive. I know you already know this about yourself...

Don't pretend to know me. Just because I air my grievances on an interent forum where people with all sorts of problems congregate, doesn't mean I am heinous to be around. I actually have a lot of close friends, more than I can really keep up with most of the time. People actually find my company quite enjoyable, because I treat people with respect and I am honest, fair, and trustworthy. They know they can count on me and I would never hurt them or screw them over.

I dno't sugarcoat everything I say with a lot of pointless smiley faces or "LOL"s. If that comes off negatively, so be it. But what do you think you gain my prefacing an insulting remark with "LOL?

I am amazed at the absurdity of what I am hearing here.

"I don't expect the man to pay for every dinner date. I just expect the asker of the date to pay, but of course, I am never the one to ask."

Give me a break. What a bunch of shallow contradictory crap.

 

[randycaver]

I pay at least 50% of the time. Sometimes more.. I have more disposable cash



It's ok Fjones, lots of people on BL think I'm a heinous bitch just because I have opinions and I don't sugarcoat them. You'll come to find out that is frowned upon here unless it meshes well with everybody else's nicey-nice ways :D :D lol I'd say more but I'd get edited

 

[Fjones]

I pay at least 50% of the time. Sometimes more.. I have more disposable cash



It's ok Fjones, lots of people on BL think I'm a heinous bitch just because I have opinions and I don't sugarcoat them. You'll come to find out that is frowned upon here unless it meshes well with everybody else's nicey-nice ways :D :D lol I'd say more but I'd get edited

Thanks Arsey, I apprreciate that.

For what it's worth (this is mainly in response to LoveAlways), I do say a lot of nice things here on BL. I compliment people all the time. I have said dozens of nice thigns about people's photos in various threads (the pet thread, the SO photo contests, the personal photo threads), I compliment people often for a well thought out response or post, and I compliment people's artwork in the art thread.

Frankly, I don't think a compliment means as much if it comes from someone who NEVER complains about anything. That's just not realistic or believable.

The complimnets that mean the most to me are the ones that come from soemone who has shown that he is willing and able to offer criticism when appropriate.

 

[up all night]

I'm glad I'm not dating LoveAlways or mrs_mia_wallace.

And for the record, I actually get annoyed and little offended if a guy absolutely insists he pays for dinner. To me it's so akin to prostitution as to be insulting. It's not chivalrous, it's controlling.

 

[spork]

^Agreed, I think both parties should pay their own ways until things get a little more serious.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Did you do this for him too? Ever think he would have found your doing-so to be just as much a sign of respect and appreciation? If not, why?

No because he would not let me pay for anything. Insisting to do usually led into a loud argument at the restaraunt.

I did other things however-- spend $300 on an outing/vacation for his b-days plus gifts, cooked him meals fairly often, brought him lunch at work, massages, etc.

It's not about one person doing everything it's about making an effort to do something nice for your partner. There are some things I think women should do as well...

And redleader, I do use the guy paying for dinner as a way to gauge whether it's a date. My guy friend don't pay for my meals unless there's some reason to and I wouldn't expect them to.

up all night if you feel like it's akin to prostitution, you are dating the wrong guys... I have felt like some guys pay for dinner and whatnot with the expect they are getting something in return, that is a case when I would throw my money down and leave the table.

 

[up all night]

When I said 'akin to prositution' I didn't mean I thought they would expect me to take them home and fuck my brains out. I meant it as in it feels like he is paying for my time/ company and that immediately makes me feel that the partnership is unequal.

C'mon. This is 2009. There's so much hypocrisy when it comes to equal rights I feel the least we can do is pay our way - especially if we earn as much, or more than the guy.

The whole idea behind having the guy pay is a leftover from a society in which women generally didn't work, and therefore wouldn't have the money to pay her way. The guy paying was the social equivalent of a gorilla beating his chest to prove he can look after his mate.

 

[spork]

I think one person always paying early on in the relationship could lead to a sort of resentment. There's also an awkwardness when the bill comes as to who is going to pay, it's much easier to just both pay your own way.

 

[LoveAlways]

I'm sorry for making this a personal attack on you-Fjiones and who I perceive you to be...

but seriously, you are incorrigible. As nice as you may be, your defensive attitude doesn't strike me as one that would attract many second dates-or first ones for that matter. But for all I know you could be happily married or have girls lining up to date you...I have no idea

As for girls asking guys out-I realize this sounds totally conceited but I know I'm not alone in saying that I dont ask guys out on dates because I dont have to. Its the whole chase theory that guys innately enjoy "chasing" girls to get their attention. I realize this isn't true for ALL men-but enough that most of us girls are more bothered by picking and choosing who to say "yes" to than with who we should ask out.

As far as general politeness such as saying "thank you." I have noticed after having my 18 yr old cousin staying with me for the past couple of weeks how rude and inconsiderate this next generation has become. I can't remember her ever saying "thank you" after a meal, getting a ride somewhere, etc--anything. And she is definately one of those types that if you compliment her on her outfit, hair, whatever-she responds with some kind of negative comment like "Ew are you kidding? Its disgusting" blah blah blah Its annoying. Its rude. Its inconsiderate. Its not something I like to be around.

 

[LoveAlways]

I'm glad I'm not dating LoveAlways or mrs_mia_wallace.

And for the record, I actually get annoyed and little offended if a guy absolutely insists he pays for dinner. To me it's so akin to prostitution as to be insulting. It's not chivalrous, it's controlling.

Let me ask you, if a girlfriend of yours, or a family member-someone with whom sex is not involved-asked you out to dinner to a restaurant they knew you couldn't afford and insited on paying the bill would you find that akin to prostiution? Aren't they in fact paying for your company as well according to your opinion above?

When my grandparents take me out to dinner I offer to help pay as a courtesy but I never expect to and never have.

When a guy asks me out to dinner I dont assume he's going to pay--like I said I've dated guys with whom the check was always split and that never stopped me from going on a second date. But at the same time-those were never serious and when a guy does offer to pay it certainly says something about his character IMO

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

When I said 'akin to prositution' I didn't mean I thought they would expect me to take them home and fuck my brains out. I meant it as in it feels like he is paying for my time/ company and that immediately makes me feel that the partnership is unequal.

C'mon. This is 2009. There's so much hypocrisy when it comes to equal rights I feel the least we can do is pay our way - especially if we earn as much, or more than the guy.

The whole idea behind having the guy pay is a leftover from a society in which women generally didn't work, and therefore wouldn't have the money to pay her way. The guy paying was the social equivalent of a gorilla beating his chest to prove he can look after his mate.

I know, as I stated in my first post I know where it came from and agree it has no function... now it's not about it having a function, it's about what it symbolizes. I don't feel that it's akin to prostitution at all, but that's just where we differ I guess.

Like I said, if I ask a guy to go somewhere I don't expect him to pay. But I don't expect if someone asks me out on a date to dinner for me to pay. However, if the guy doesn't want to pay I'm certainly not going to sit there and make it awkward or FORCE him to, I've never gone out on a date without my wallet and ATM card and I always offer to pay for my half.

Perhaps I have too many old-fashioned expectations of guys, but that is just the way I was brought up by my mother and the example my father set. Many of my friends disagree with me, but I would never ask a guy out, I expect to be called back and not sent some text, and I am attracted to chivalry and look for it in the guys I date. I will just have to disagree with you all.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

As far as general politeness such as saying "thank you." I have noticed after having my 18 yr old cousin staying with me for the past couple of weeks how rude and inconsiderate this next generation has become. I can't remember her ever saying "thank you" after a meal, getting a ride somewhere, etc--anything. And she is definately one of those types that if you compliment her on her outfit, hair, whatever-she responds with some kind of negative comment like "Ew are you kidding? Its disgusting" blah blah blah Its annoying. Its rude. Its inconsiderate. Its not something I like to be around.

Yes, this is just what I mentioned earlier in the thread.

I've noticed however in the US, it tends to be somewhat regional. One of my best friends is from a very traditional Southern family in a small town and she is extremely polite. I remember her telling me when we first became friends she was shocked I was from a city and so polite. Granted, there are many polite people in cities-- I see them everyday-- but I think that there are less.

 

[up all night]

LA: There are totally different dynamics in platonic relationships. If they're a friend or family member then you're already past the stage of establishing your position within a relationship. Also, I would know that later on down the track I will have the chance to repay them. eg I was made redundant in January and was fairly broke. In that time many a friend took me out, bought me drinks, paid for lunch etc. I then got my redundancy package and have in turn taken them out and paid for their nights. That's how friendship works.

When you first start dating someone you're setting precedents and learning about each other. If I guy refused to let me pay, I'd assume that it was a guy who liked to be in control at all times, and believed that flashing his $$ will gain him respect. In the same way, I feel that if I expect/ allow someone to pay for me, before I really know them, it gives off a subservient, codependant vibe.

 

[Fjones]

But at the same time-those were never serious and when a guy does offer to pay it certainly says something about his character IMO

I see. For you, money = character.

ALso, I am sorry you think I am "incorrigible" just becasue we disagree. Two other Bluelighters just jumped on board saying the exact same thing I said. Are they incorrigible also?

You are right, I do not go on a lot of dates, mainly because I find all this bullshit awkward, shallow, and annoying. I try to meet people and spend time with them and see if a relationship develops. I am nto looking for quick scores or hookeups. The results have been mixed. I have been in one long term relationship (9+ years) and three shorter ones. None of them had a problem with the fact that I do not pay for their food. They evaluated my character by a diffeent set of criteria.

So, while I don't buy food for women, I do treat them right, and they know I am an honest and trustworthy person of uncompromising morals. I can live with that, and so can they.