Think about you often. You said I gave you the best times you ever experienced - well I had facilitated our drug-induced experience but I hid my brokenness and could never find a way to explain the pain I was trying to escape in myself; without losing face, so I said nothing but the reality was, the feeling was mutual but I was scared of dragging you in to my vortex of misery and the distance I kept/mystery was that I felt so broken and I could not share that with you at that time - you were too young and immature to understand.
I was so grateful to have those good times with you; I wish I could have been more authentic but I had a lot of shit to work through.
I hope you're doing ok and found people who treat you beautifully and you are finding all the things that you need ( or are at least in the process).
I'm a dick for ignoring you ( im insecure about the way I was, hope you infered this or even if not; you can just disregard any negativity and move on; no doubt you have and youre a this is an inspiration to me; you were always lighter and greatful that I learnt that from you)- but I feel so much that I cannot express to you because you probably dont even realise the gravity fo the situation I was stuck in ( through no fault of my own); while we were together and its too complex to tell without sounding mad. So, Ive accepted that, a long time ago. Im okay with being vilified, if it makes the situation seem palpable - Ill look after myself, this is life, Im pretty much an expert at handling being misunderstood and it is all good, resilience is my reward and life has brought me good things from it, so it must be the right path.
I never forget you and your lovelyness - any antagonism came from the frustration that I couldnt connect with you, on your level and wanted to shield you from my heaviness.
Im so sorry. I would love if you understood that any issues of mine, were genuinely outside of my control but I did try to shield you from the shit I carried. I do feel guilty though but thats mine to handle and forgive, eh.
Nevertheless, I hope you are well. No doubt you are. Look forward to a chat sometime; where we can both laugh, comfortably and free of the past.