i miss you so fucking much. i know i have to be the one to reach out first, but i'm scared see now how i self-sabotaged everything, all because of my fear. you, on the other hand, couldn't have made your feelings for me more clear. and when i told you that you were the only one in my life in years to
really know me at all...i meant that. but it also scared the shit out of me.
and i used to think that was a bullshit excuse that other people used--being "scared:--but i really was. scared of what you meant, scared of how deeply i'd fallen for you, scared of how well you knew me and yet still loved me despite myself, scared of being hurt, scared of hurting you...so instead i acted like i didn't give a damn most of the time, when i've never loved anyone as much as i love you. but how would you have known, with how i acted, because i didn't know how to deal with my feelings for you... so eventually you gave up, got in another relationship, and a bunch of shit happened and now we're not in each other's lives anymore...
the ironic thing is i don't think you'd be a jerk if i reached out, you would be kind (as you always are, the few times i've had to), but it would also mess you up, i always seem to mess you up

. i tell myself if i really love you i'll leave you alone and let you focus on your current relationship. but another part of me doesn't feel right never telling you how i really feel. i just want you to know how much you were loved (still loved) too, even if you never leave me for her, even if we never talk again. but despite knowing all that in my heart, i am still so scared, and waste all my emotional energy debating in my head whether or not to say something...and so months go by of my silence. it's a bitch. i'm so sorry.