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Relapse after i'v already been in NA.

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fatabulous

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 3, 2015
Messages
1
i started going to NA 17 days ago and had been clean the whole time.i was as many people in the program call it "on a pink cloud".i was ready,determined,and willing to get clean.i was on a spiritual high.my phone service was shut off a couple days ago because my dad couldnt pay the bill,since then i had been having really terrible days battling with addictive thoughts like "oh just one more time couldnt hurt" and couldnt contact my sponsor or anyone else in the program to talk about it,i talked about it at meetings but by then the thoughts had passed and as soon as id get home they'd come back.i am prescribed 10mg of ritalin to keep me awake at school and it works.i knew i could abuse it even though i never had before and god was i fighting like hell not to,but tonight i gave in and flushed 17 days down the toilet.everyone has been so proud of me for getting clean and embracing the program so quickly,im terrified of how disappointed and upset they'll be.especially my parents and my sponsor,and all my friends who look to me as they're rock and example in recovery. how do i tell everyone.i mean do i tell them? got im so scared and confused right now.what do i do?!
 
Yes, you can tell them because this is absolutely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Relapse happens all the time. The crucial aspect of relapse is to learn from it without succumbing to guilt and self-hatred. Addiction has many ways to stay alive in your mind and body but I think one of the best weapons it has is shame. If you can step outside of the guilt and embarrassment and just calmly look at what happened you can learn from it and be stronger and better prepared for those same triggers when they come up again.

Cravings during stress make sense. This is how you have dealt with stress in the past and you know that for a short time it actually works so it's easy to have that "one last time won't hurt" mentality. What you can do is to develop a conscious thought that you know you can pull out when that other thought occurs. (Something like, "This is my addiction talking, not me" or "yes I will feel good for a short while but I will feel infinitely worse when that short while ends".)

Hold your head up, know that this is just a part of your fight and keep to your path. Other people around you in NA will also relapse. Treat yourself the same way you would treat them; with dignity and respect and compassion. Keep feeding any thoughts of hope and faith in yourself and starve out the negative voices in your own head.<3
 
^^^^
Herbavore is right on as usual. I just wanted to congratulate you on the 17 days. This shit is hard and that's a really good start right there.
 
I agree with herbavore and crimsonjunk. It's hard as hell. But try not to be hard on yourself. You made it 17 days right?! That's something! Congratulations are due there. If you are willing, maybe you could have your mom or someone hold your meds for you and help you manage them?
 
If you are involved in the recovery scene especially NA then you would understand relapse is apart of recovery....Good thing is you learned from your relapse...In a sense you could almost be grateful of your slip because it opened your eyes up even wider about the reality of addiction! Don't beat yourself up it's no big deal! The best thing to do is practice complete transparency. Be honest with the select you few who are in your recovery. I have been in NA/AA for Years and have probably had 30-50 relapses....Yea it gets old....But you know from NA that you are not judged.....You are praised for coming back and trying to live a better way of life!
A person in recovery is bound to relapse with drugs readily available...Even if Uppers or Pills were not your drug of choice it doesn't matter! You will make do with what you have! If you put Ritalin or any drug in an addicts home recovery or not there is a big chance of relapse! It was strong of you to flush the other 17!
What this experience should show you is that whatever you were doing was NOT enough....if you want something you've never had, do something you've never fucking done! There was holes in your recovery and you filled them with a quick fix...Instant gratification then once you used you were guilty and destroyed the rest of your stash....You could be doing everything right in your recovery but there was something wrong that caused you to use....Resentment, Reservations, Isolation's, Separation or not implementing the life skills practiced through the 12-Steps....
From my experience as a constant re-treader through program showed me that every time I relapsed there was something wrong. Whether not enough meetings...Not doing step work...Not calling my sponsor everyday...Not fellow-shipping enough...Sponsor and meetings are not the best perks of the program....Fellow-shipping is! Talking with other addicts, getting out of yourself, being honest, getting uncomfortable, hanging out with them OUTSIDE of meetings and eventually these will be your closest friends! And I am not some NA/AA Perfectionist...I am extremely guilty of not following the suggestions! But I have said exactly what you said in your post about 50 different times throughout the years....
You couldn't quit drugs the first time you tried....So it's not unusual to relapse throughout early recovery as well as all of recovery....Work on identifying the warning signs leading up to it...Let others get close to you so they can hold you accountable when they witness your Red Flags! You have the knowledge and don't beat yourself up they will only cause you to use further! AA/NA is not the only way to achieve sobriety it's just the most popular and preaches life principles as well as drug abstinence!
 
Twelve step programs only work for 5% of the people who try them.
 
My advice would be to fuck off NA and find an alternative way, but that's just my experience.

If NA is the way you want to go, and these people can't cope with a newbie having a relapse, what the fuck are they doing trying to help drug addicts? It's normal, you should feel no shame whatsoever, and if you are concerned about the way your sponsor will react because you have relapsed then they are clearly not the person to be helping you. You should feel perfectly comfortable in telling your sponsor you have relapsed so you can examine the reasons behind it. If they put any negative thoughts your way because of it they are not the person to be helping you stay clean.

You had a tiny use up, you recognised the danger and took positive steps towards making sure it didn't happen again. You have reacted with maturity and forethought and should be proud. Today is a new day and you're not using now. On a base level, that's all that matters.
 
Dresden said:
Twelve step programs only work for 5% of the people who try them.
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I wouldn't necessarily say that is a true statement.
Though, with that being said, NA is definitely only for some people.

I've tried it, I don't exactly go to NA religiously (in fact I haven't been in a while), but the steps are a more organized way of looking at quitting an addiction. Many people who have traveled too far down the rabbit hole have a really hard time finding the right order to put the pieces back together, and it's really difficult to try to do it all at once.
The idea behind "one step at a time" is exactly that,
take things one step at a time. Relapse happens, and everything in life is a lesson to teach yourself something from. It's not easy stopping any kind of habit, but if you put conscious awareness into your actions it makes things a lot easier than following what has been the routine for who knows how long.

Don't give up, fatabulous! 17 days is great, and you can make it many past that.
You can do anything you want with your life :)

~Verri
 
Look, relapse can be part of recovery. As a matter of fact I would say relapse is a part of most people's recovery. Also if you get shit from people in NA for relapsing, fuck em', they like to talk just to hear there own voices which is equally shameful but actually more so in a lot of ways. I personally don't utilize AA/NA anymore, but I still manage to have gotten a year clean, so I have felt that there is no shame in going it without utilizing a twelve step program. That being said if I needed to I would go to AA because I found that has worked best for me out of all the twelve step programs. Also as long as you are accountable to someone you don't necessarily have to tell everyone that you relapsed, it would be silly to let your parents down if they don't need to know. However, if it would make it easier for you to be sober then you should tell your parents and possibly even have them hold the medication for you so you can't abuse it. So give yourself a break and don't stress about all the details, just let everything fall into place around you and let the clean days rack up. We all think about using, but those of us who are successful don't take that first step towards picking up the drug in most cases. Look I've definitely bought a bottle of alcohol in my sobriety and then thrown it away due to guilt. But it's much better when things don't come so close to fucking up my clean time. Great job so far and good luck going forward.
 
True ^
Also, to the poster… hang in there.
Even if 12 Step programs view a slip as a relapse, it is actually considered only a 'lapse' - unless there is a complete return to a former state of compulsive daily use, tolerance… addiction. One can have just a slip without a full blown relapse.

It's not recommended, but it happens a lot, and is not a failure - but just a bump on the road to recovery
 
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Papaverium said:
I completely second this statement ^
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I wanted to second that too. I don't think I've ever met anyone who hasn't relapsed.

If NA is the way you want to go but don't know how to say you have relapsed then just go to a meeting and stay quiet and stand up and get a white keyring at the end. The people who are worth a fuck talking to will come to you and offer help.

:)
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
I wanted to second that too. I don't think I've ever met anyone who hasn't relapsed.

If NA is the way you want to go but don't know how to say you have relapsed then just go to a meeting and stay quiet and stand up and get a white keyring at the end. The people who are worth a fuck talking to will come to you and offer help.

:)
Click to expand...

From my experience, NA is a non-judgmental group and is there to support you through the rough times. It's not a cult that will shun you if you slip-up. They are there to help you through every step of the way :)

We didn't become an addict in one day, so remember; easy does it! <3

~Verri
 
I've found them very non-judgmental as well, I just don't go any more because I disagree with some of their core beliefs and dogmas. There are also a lot of very sick people that attend (obviously) who I don't necessarily think it's good being around as you progress. Too many people who live for NA rather than go to NA to live...imo of course.

For the OP: Don't feel guilty about being seen as a bad egg or whatever because of a relapse. I spent my early days smoking crack in the toilets at meetings thinking I was being all sly, but of course people realised what was going on and I was still welcomed. I disappeared without a single word from service positions and was still welcomed back. Don't beat yourself up about what is a tiny slip and essentially something that is part of most people's recovery. If you feel brave enough then share about what has happened in a meeting and explain all the feelings of guilt you are going through and why. Get in there with it early, I bet someone will identify with you and say it's something they have experienced, then go talk to them at the end! If people try to be unpleasant to you for it then you hold your head high and proud and tell them to fuck right off, they're obviously sick and not people you want to be with.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
I've found them very non-judgmental as well, I just don't go any more because I disagree with some of their core beliefs and dogmas. There are also a lot of very sick people that attend (obviously) who I don't necessarily think it's good being around as you progress. Too many people who live for NA rather than go to NA to live...imo of course.
Click to expand...

I can definitely agree, many people read nito things a little deeply and take it too far, but when they say "God" or "Higher Power".... I try to use God and an acronym for "Good Orderly Direction". as the God thing seems a little too religious-based for me.

But Good Orderly Direction can really help put someone's life back together.
and a Higher power can be anything you set your mind to other than drugs...... Don't think of it as a higher power other than yourself (as they tend to make it sound at NA that we have become powerless to our addiction)
YOU YOURSELF are thee higher power, it's up to you to choose in what form to release your emotions....

Express yourself, don't repress yourself :)

I use the 12 steps as guidelines more than rules... it does help it you aren't a fanatic about it, because then that can just cause more stress to be responsible to go every day and read the NA Bible and Just For Today Book (which i still recommend if you don't wan't to attend meetings)
They are helpful pieces of work, you just have to step past the overly religious sounding way they word things because that's not at all how it really is.... everything is a metaphor to something in your own life. and everyone reads words differently.


I like NA's purpose, but they can be a little cult-esque if people don't look at it from a certain perspective.
It's just addicts trying to help other addicts stay clean, and many need faith in a power that they believe to be "higher" than their own, but. I personally believe we are our own higher power.

Follow your heart.

~Verri
 
I agree with a lot of wht you say. I can see past some of termiinology used but when I look deeper in to the steps, the NA text and the big book I just don't agree with a lot of what is said.

I don't believe people are powerless over their drug use, once you get clean that shit goess right back to being a choice. There's a lot of good stuff to be learned there and many good people, but I can't dedicate myself to something where I have so much doubt over so many of the teachings. I like meetings though, I wish there was somewhere for people to go and share with other addicts like that outside of dogmatic teaching. Also, I don't believe in the concept of either you are an addict or you're not anymore, that's way too black and white for me. I believe in people's individual relationships with individual substances and examining that as being most important.

Also, how can you claim to be an anti-addiction group with full abstinence and then everyone goes outside and smokes, slowly killing themselves? Totally paradoxical to me.

Still, I would never say don't go to NA, I would say do what is working for you and keeping you clean or moving you towards being clean and where you want to be in life. Doesn't matter whether that is attending NA or taking up golfing/swimming/education/whatever. Everyone is individual and different which is why I don't agree with NA saying you are this person and you must do this to stay clean. These are just my views though, they could be total bullshit and I'm in denial for all I know.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
Also, how can you claim to be an anti-addiction group with full abstinence and then everyone goes outside and smokes, slowly killing themselves? Totally paradoxical to me.
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I try to by-pass the complete abstinence thing and try more to focus on quitting what you want to, at the speed you need to. I'm never gonna quit smoking weed, but I'm there for other reasons, and it helps if you are willing to make the effort is all. I believe complete abstinence from all drugs is a personal choice. Choose what you feel you have a problem with, and work on that problem. :)

~Verri
 
I prefer to think of it as a metaphor, but to each their own :)

Im not religious in any way... i may be spiritual but i dont believe in any God but myself.
I am God, you are God.
Don't gotta obey everything they say, just take what you need from it.

~Verri
 
I was identical to you, god with a capital G pissed me off but I can see past that. My higher power was the combined experience of everyone else in the room/s.

Still, when it comes down to it, having studied both the NA text and the big book I just can't agree with their view that someone is either an addict or not. Nothing in life is that black and white imo. People are shades of grey and I don't think that pigeon holing someone in to believing they are a totalitarian addict is useful.

For a start, step 1....We admitted we were pwerless over our use of drugs and our lives had become unmanageable. If I am powerless over my use of drugs and my life is unmanageable then how have I ended up sitting in a room trying to quit using them? There is a fallacy before you even get past the very first bit of teaching, surely I must have had some power to decide to make a change and try to quit!

I don't want to get in to my beliefs on the subject any deeper because fact is NA does work for some people. I think trying different ways to get clean to find the right one for you is very important and I wouldn't want to scare someone away from NA when they might be one of the people it works for!
 
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