Another day & still only weak gear available in Dublin. I was in touch with two of the Dublin posters that used to post on Bluelight at the start of the drought & they can only get weak gear as well. Its such a pain i haven't even heard of one report of a bit of good gear available in Dublin in months, everyone is reporting the very same weak stuff available in every area,

& i could really do with a proper bit of gear to-day of all days..........
A letter came for me in the post to-day that shocked me to the very core. Its a long story & one i never talk about to anyone, but the good thing about Bluelight is that even though we have all got to know each other fairly well we are all still a little bit anonymous. - When i was a child i went through so pretty upsetting stuff at the hands of an older male family member, i never talk about it so i'm not gonna go into it now. But it went on for years. I grew up & by the age of 17 i left home & i had my own flat & my own life. I have had a good life & i left the past very much in the past.
It wasn't till my late 20's that this stuff started to really bother me, i was depressed & suffering from bad nightmares, i used to think that i saw this family member everywhere, walking passed me on the street, on the same bus as me, in a parked car that i was walking by, but it wasn't him, it was just me going a bit loopy!! I started drinking heavily & i stayed like that for a few years. Then one night (drunk) i told my Mother everything, she is & always was a fantastic Mother, when she heard what had happened to me she blamed herself, but i assured her that there was nothing she could have done coz this person was too clever to have ever go caught.
So to cut a very long story short my Mother confronted him & he lied & lied, he denied everything, you wanna here the awful things he said! So then my Mother & i confronted him & i had a witness there too to verify that what i was saying was 100% true, they had witnessed some of what happened all those years ago. He shouted & screamed & called me some terrible names, but in the end he admitted everything. But he never said he was sorry & he never tried to fix things so we've kept our distance since then, that was about 13 years ago. I have rarely seen him since then, but when i did see him he was never very nice to me.
After that i had to stop drinking coz it made me depressed & i was always crying while drunk, alcohol always brings out self pity in me & i hated that, so i totally gave up drinking & started using heroin (Doh!) & here i am to~day on 60mls of methadone a day & unable to get proper gear due to a poxey drought, over the last 10 months my head has been a bit wrecked over all that happened in the past, the lack of proper heroin has left me going over & over all this stuff in my head, heroin was great for helping me to forget about it all & it helped me to get on with my life happily! & then to-day a letter came to-day.........
I had been told that the family member had gone mad on the drink since i confronted him all those years ago & i had heard more recently that he was gone into a treatment center to get off the drink. Now he has written me a letter saying sorry..... I just got it an hour ago, he admitted everything & this time he didn't try to play it down or blame me. He said sorry & he said it properly. Its a nice letter, yet very hard to read. So what do i do now?
Is he only writing the letter coz he is in treatment & coz they have told him to ask for forgiveness from anyone he has hurt through his drinking? Coz all that stuff years ago had nothing to do with his drinking. I wonder does he really mean it? Or what? Is he just at a low point coz he is off the drink? There has been a huge family rift because of all this, sometimes i think that i might be good for my Mother if we could all start to heal old wounds, but i don't think that i could ever be friends with him again. I don't know what to do? Should i write back? I really do hate him, but for the sake of my family i don't want to do anything to mess up his recovery from alcohol. This is such a head wreck, it feels like its all been dug up again. Because he was so nasty to me since i confronted him i always said that when my Mother died that i would get this family member charged & locked up for what he did. My Mother is old & i didn't want to put her through all that. My Mother has been 1000000% supportive of me, she was the best Mother anyone could ever have! I breaks my heart to see her blaming herself

she was the kind'a Mother you see in a Dorris Day film, she cooked & cleaned & did everything for us, i never wanted for anything!!! She had no idea what was happening to me, he was way too clever to ever let her know, i hate seeing her beat herself up over it, no matter what i say she still blames her self

Although she is getting stronger these days. I worry about her coz she is a widow & she lives on her own, my Dad died before all this came out. My Mother is getting old, but she is healthy & still driving around & keeping busy!! I see her once or twice every week.
So thats my day so far to-day, i don't know why i'm writing my whole life story on Bluelight, but there you go. I'm rambling on now so i better sign off, I just don't know what to do with this letter, do i respond? Do i forgive? I know will never forget! I am not the kind of person who holds a grudge, i would rather make up & move on with most things, thats always the way i've been, but this is different. If he had said sorry when i first confronted him then i could have started to build bridges, but he was so so nasty to me for years afterwards, i rarely ever saw him but when i did he'd have a go, in saying that i haven't set eyes on him in years. One half of me wants to tell him to drop dead, but then for my Mothers sake maybe i should try build a few bridges? I don't have the strength for anymore arguments, also i don't think that i could ever bare to be in the same room as him or even speak to him on the phone, he makes me cringe & i hate him, maybe i should write back to him? Aw, i don't know what to do.........
I wish i could just score some proper gear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about the long post 8( i only noticed how long it was after i finished writing it! Talk about getting stuff of my chest!!!