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Regarding My Unemployed and Possibly Disabled Younger Brother

Thanks for the input, footscrazy.

I already knew what kind of person he is (or can be), but he was awfully desperate for housing, and seemed genuinely interested in propping himself up. Too bad he sold us out for a toy. He's now staying with yet another family, so I hope he'll work his way up from there, because he's running out of options, and friends :(
 
The drama continues, though I wish it wouldn't :( I've got some questions, so please bear with me.

I received a call today from the woman with whom my younger brother is staying. She's the mother of his friend. Her message began with thinly veiled contempt, escalating to obvious rage and hate throughout the conversation. Her overall point was thus: family should not let family go homeless.

Her points were reasonable, and I could see where she was coming from. People need second, third, etc. chances, but this, IMO, is for people who wish to change. Her understanding of what transpired here was more or less accurate, but her intense anger really makes me think she's been "handled," so-to-speak.

I'm starting to believe that my younger brother is a sociopath. He fits most of the qualities as listed here: Profile of the Sociopath. I've never, ever seen him feel guilty for his actions, not in all the 19 years I've known him. If ever I've seen him upset, it was because of something that happened to him, not because of something he did. And it usually had a purpose, often ending with him getting his way. I could list in detail things I've seen him do, and how they match up to the criteria, but I won't put you through it.

It should also be mentioned that I can never truly feel comfortable around him. I'm always uneasy when he's around, like he's about to do something shady. Granted, I'm phobic of people in general, but I always get a vibe from them, which gives me an idea of whether or not they are harmless. My internal buzzer goes off nonstop when my younger brother is near, and it's due to that "off" feeling mixed with my knowledge of his history.

Am I being too judgmental of his actions? Do you think I'm grossly misinterpreting his intentions? Can I, having known him all his life, determine whether or not he is in fact a sociopath?

Should I try again and give him another chance? And another, and another? (even though I seek your opinion on this matter, I will not take him back, but I would like your input if you share from that woman's point of view)

I know he's family and all, but I don't like being played, or having him think he's playing me :X
 
Honestly, I don't think I could kick out family— but I don't have to deal with this kid so I can't really imagine what its like. What I *would* have thought to do before tossing him out would be giving him the basics (lodging), and letting him figure out the rest for himself... manage his money for him, get him a job, keep him out of your place when you're not there. Just writing it, it sounds like a lot, but that's going to be the gig for whoever is seriously interested in getting him on his feet.

That's why the army still sounds like a good idea to me. This woman who is hectoring you... fuck her. She'll get tired of him pretty soon and change her tune. Just wash your hands of the matter and let him back in and try it again if he ever expresses a credible desire to change.
 
What the fuck? Who does that woman think she is? I can't believe the gall she has shown to make such a call to you.

I would say you know him a hell of a lot better than this woman, and as such, your call on him and his behaviour is much more likely to be accurate than hers. I don't think you're being too judgemental or misintepreting his actions. Whether or not he's actually a sociopath probably doesn't matter - his behaviour is shit rergardless of the label that may be put on it, and I don't think you have any requirement to involve yourself in it.

It sounds like you have put yourself out to try and help him, despite some misgivings, and he's used you and left without a backwards glance. I don't believe you've done wrong by him at all, though of course I can only go by what you've written here.

That woman has completely overstepped the mark with you, and I'd be so pissed off at her. Let her get him back on his feet if she feels so strongly about it.

As an aside, I read a study once on sociopaths/people with antisocial personality disorder or however it's labelled nowadays, which said that around 30% of people get that 'heeby jeeby' feeling, or a skin crawling bad vibe around them. i don't know the validity of this, but I thought you might be interested to hear that. I once had the misfortune of having someone with anti social personality disorder in my life, and I experienced those same bad, unsettled and malevolent vibes from him, even though by all appearances he came across as cheerful and charming.
 
I totally agree with footscrazy - what an invasive, self-righteous bitch that woman is.

I have known many friends that have been mistreated by their family members, and whilst I'll certainly help them through it, I would NEVER dream of involving myself to the point of calling their relative to abuse them! That is just ridiculous behaviour.

Your brother is an adult, he is not a dependent child. It is NOT the responsibility of family members to let an adult relative use and freeload off them. I am absolutely blessed to have fantastic, supportive parents, but I can assure you - if I had EVER stolen off them or another relative, I would be out the door in a second. You let him live with you again after his sustained bad behaviour out of love - not obligation. You owe him nothing, and anything you do for him is out of the goodness of your heart - period. It's all about mutual respect, and your brother seems to not only severely lack this, but he also seems selfish and immature and possibly even toxic to you at this point.

It is evident that your brother may have some mental issues, so if you do decide to help him again, I'd have it on the condition (amongst others) that he attends a weekly session with a counselor or psychologist. I am not recommending that you help him again, as it seems that he has certainly not learned his lesson. I assume he would have bitched to this woman relentlessly, and also provided your number for her to attack you. Such juvenile behaviour.

Family are there to help each other - not enable. You are not helping him by letting him use you, take money from you and disrespect you in your own home. This kid needs either some psychological help, or a wake up call.

You did the right thing in my opinion, and you absolutely should not have him in your house if he makes you feel the way you say he does. Be there for him when/if he wants to help himself. Until then, he is an adult and should not be shielded from the consequences of his actions any longer - he'll learn nothing this way.

This is a horrible situation, and I really feel for you. Focus on yourself, and then if the time comes that he needs your help, you'll be able to give it to him. Don't let him drag you down with him.
 
Your brother has friends AND a drug dealer? Whoa.....

I have succsesfully gotten into a relationship first with a (indian/pakastani?) Psychiatrist and then after a period of 8 months living in an adult mental health group home started to recieve SSI. ( my psyche never even decided to label me with a diagnosis from his copy of the new dsm!! )

If you want your bro to BE disabled and cash out large, then get him hooked up with a social worker. One that wants to earn her pay and will drive him to and from the psyches office and a drug store to fill the scripts also.

Be sure to explain to the psyche and other mental health professionals that "you love yer brother, and want him to recieve the help he needs" Do a little research ( google and browse the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual ) and then prepare your brother on what to say he is experiencing to the psychiatrist AS hes in front of him. It is not that hard. I have recieved SSI cash benefits for 5 years now. A mental health professional coached me in her car before I went in to speak with the Dr that granted me SSI.............I am not scum........Everyone wins in a situation simular to mine, you included.

I recieve $686 from SSI. $200 in food stamps and somewheres around $500 from HUD a month!!! Thats $1386 a month. $16632 a year.

Tell yer fuckin bro its time to check outta being a no-money-bum and start his trek on the way to Easy Street USA

Psychiatrists are evil, their psuedoscience is fake, and mental health is the worst joke ever. But.................I hit up a psyche for a diagnosis and now I get paid.
The best way to get on ssi is to start seeing a psyche for scripts and then get into a mental health group home. The group home personal have 678% more power and sway than a normal person does. Thats alot.........quite alot.
 
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Pander Bear said:
What I *would* have thought to do before tossing him out would be giving him the basics (lodging), and letting him figure out the rest for himself... manage his money for him, get him a job, keep him out of your place when you're not there.
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Managing his finances would have been a big no-no. He somewhat recently accused our mother of stealing money from his bank acct. (along with his wallet containing ID and birth cert.). She's never done or would do anything of the sort. Chances are he spent his money on numerous small amounts of expensive Grow Club weed (as he was often seen doing).

Even if we had managed his money and kept the tightest bookkeeping, it would mean little if he decided to go on another attack. The last thing I want are policemen at my doorstep. Even though the truth usually prevails, I don't need that kind of worry.

footscrazy said:
What the fuck? Who does that woman think she is? I can't believe the gall she has shown to make such a call to you.
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Well I'll tell you a little about her based on what she said during her rant. She's got her daughter (around my age) and her daughter's husband living with her, and their kids. Also staying there are her aforementioned son and her ex, who doesn't get along with her(!). Adding to all these are 15 dogs. She's been driving my younger brother around and helping him fill out job applications (holding his hand, in other words). It's not hard to see that she really does believe in not letting anyone or anything go homeless. So she's got a mission: help everyone she can, no matter who they are or what they've done. Her place must be a madhouse, her responsibilities huge and her mind scattered. But here comes my younger brother: another boarder with all the problems associated with such. And to make matters worse, he sees what sort of person she is, finds a weakness, and exploits it by getter her all worked up! That, ladies and gents, is completely fucked. It's one thing to simply be a nuisance and layabout, but it's another thing entirely to use people so recklessly and harmfully just to get petty revenge :p

So you see, I'm not mad at her. I was for the first few minutes after talking to her (I was even shaking somewhat), but I cannot truly be angry at someone like her. Sure, she probably lets people walk all over her, but she's doing what she thinks best from the generosity of her own heart. She just can't see that some people won't be helped, and that they will use and abuse another without a second thought. It's sad, but there's nothing to be done.

Whether or not he's actually a sociopath probably doesn't matter - his behaviour is shit rergardless of the label that may be put on it, and I don't think you have any requirement to involve yourself in it.
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In my mind, it does matter. A true sociopath cannot be helped, at least not with our current understanding of the condition. If, however, he's working against his own conscience, there may come a time when he hits rock bottom and seeks to set things right within himself. But I'll be having no crocodile tears, and will no longer believe in any contrition he may display.

Mel22 said:
It is evident that your brother may have some mental issues, so if you do decide to help him again, I'd have it on the condition (amongst others) that he attends a weekly session with a counselor or psychologist.
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He was supposed to be attending an anger management class while he was here, but he always had a reason for why he couldn't go. There seems to be no chance of getting him to subscribe to any life plan laid out before him.

This is a horrible situation, and I really feel for you. Focus on yourself, and then if the time comes that he needs your help, you'll be able to give it to him. Don't let him drag you down with him.
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I definitely won't. I'd still like my money back, but I really don't care about it too much. I'd rather like to see him repay me without ulterior motive. That way I'd know if he's actually trying to do right, or just doing the same old tiresome things.

@beagleboy: SSI/SSDI help is for people who need it. Inventing an illness to receive benefits is pretty low, IMHO.

Unless anyone has something more to say, I'll let this thread die now. Thank you for everything!

-mec
 
It's okay. Before we get carried away, it's necessary to understand the person who sides with "family":

A lot of us can't imagine having to kick out family if they are in need of help. Many of us get stuck in a rut, or lose our jobs, or are forced out of the housing we had.

However, some people just have no desire to change their ways. They dig themselves into a mess, then ask you to house them because you're "family" and "family doesn't let family down". They wish to bum off the system, to take advantage of you, don't offer to pay for anything, take their damn sweet time finding a job, show no remorse for the wedge they might be driving into a family unit and cry and save face when they are confronted.

My aunt lived with us for a year and three months. In that time, she "helped" in her share of the house by purchasing: four gallons of milk, one pound of salami and three loaves of bread. Never once did she offer to help pay for the bills (we noticed that, on average, the bills were an extra $200 a month to cover her), never offered to pay rent (in addition, she took up my step brother's room and he had to sleep on the couch whenever he wanted to visit from his mom's house), constantly argued with us and was generally lazy and non compliant with my mom's pleas for her to find her own place. It was only when my mom asked her for $600 a month for rent did she finally get out.

The worst part? On the way out, she had the balls to ask for some furniture out of my step brother's room "until she could buy her own".

It's these types of people that make "supporting your family forever" more difficult.

That woman that called you? Don't mind her. She'll realize eventually what kind of a person he's acting to be. Don't make any drama about it. Don't call her, don't talk to her. She needs the silent treatment. If she threatens you over your answering machine, call the cops.
 
Mel22 said:
beagleboy - you have got to be kidding. Get some help.

That is all.
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I am a godsend to those making an approach to getting SSI benefits.
This is a website with an unorthadox approach to enjoying oneself.

You are in the right calling me out for "abusing the system", if thats what you think you've done by telling me to "get some help".

I read your posts mel22, and I would like you to stay away from me. I and my group are extremely anti-gay ( google John Travolta and the recent gay sex-prozi scandal hes involved in as of lately ) and even though you and I are both members to BL, because of your views that were posted in threads, I hate your guts.
 
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^ lol what?

I typed out a long response based on my personal experience but it was lost. I'd retype but you asked that this thread may die so I wont. Good luck, hopefully this doesn't ruin shit between you forever. On the other hand, if he does ever get up he has the skill set (socially at least) to make a killing in business. Just remember that one day he probably wont be like this, but the shit you do now might stick with him forever. The hardest people to forgive sometimes are the ones you love the most; that shit works both ways, my friend.
 
Oh, no way that's awesome. I just recently started posting again here after a long time and the whole format has changed lol

I'm going to not post my previous reply here, though, as the op seems to want this to die.
 
To OP, I understand you're in a bad situation.

Everyone I personally know, who recieves SSI cash benefits, was at one time unable to support themselves, caused those who loved or cared about them much emotional turmoil, frustration and financial strain until the taxpayers picked up the tab ie. Social Security Insurance.

Do the right thing and get your brother to see a psyche once as month for some heavy duty drugs. He doesnt even have to take the drugs. Just do your homework and if at first the Dr decides you're able to work, apply again ( I haven't seen a psychiatrist for two or three years now ). Once you get SSI benefits, learn your rights and then cut all ties with the psychiatrist.

The reason a group home is a reasonable first step in obtaining SSI payments is that they usually also preach and teach life and coping skills that ultimately aim at the person getting employment and then no longer need SSI as they are in the work place. I know of a lot of vocational programs for people like your brother. He's fucking lost, OK? The first step is to use the Social Programs that are already in place.
He cant do it alone.
peace, love
 
beagleboy said:
I read your posts mel22, and I would like you to stay away from me. I and my group are extremely anti-gay ( google John Travolta and the recent gay sex-prozi scandal hes involved in as of lately ) and even though you and I are both members to BL, because of your views that were posted in threads, I hate your guts.
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This is the Internet. She's not "near" you, anyway. Keep your opinions on others to yourself, please. Stick to the topic.
 
beagleboy said:
I am a godsend to those making an approach to getting SSI benefits.
This is a website with an unorthadox approach to enjoying oneself.

You are in the right calling me out for "abusing the system", if thats what you think you've done by telling me to "get some help".

I read your posts mel22, and I would like you to stay away from me. I and my group are extremely anti-gay ( google John Travolta and the recent gay sex-prozi scandal hes involved in as of lately ) and even though you and I are both members to BL, because of your views that were posted in threads, I hate your guts.
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I repeat: please get some help. And no, not in regards to abusing the system - it's clear that your mental issues more than qualify you for the benefits you receive.

Good luck, seems like you need it :\
 
subopm420 said:
I typed out a long response based on my personal experience but it was lost. I'd retype but you asked that this thread may die so I wont.
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It shouldn't die an unnatural death, so please, do share your experience :)

Good luck, hopefully this doesn't ruin shit between you forever. On the other hand, if he does ever get up he has the skill set (socially at least) to make a killing in business. Just remember that one day he probably wont be like this, but the shit you do now might stick with him forever. The hardest people to forgive sometimes are the ones you love the most; that shit works both ways, my friend.
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I hear what you're saying, but I did what I felt needed to be done. I just hope it was the right thing. Perhaps a letter is in order, if I can somehow manage to speak my mind without causing further harm...
 
The reality is that with the wealth that this country generates there should be a basic income for everyone. There aren't enough jobs available anyway. Moreover, with a basic income employees would have more flexiblity and power when dealing with employers- because, today most employees have no power.

In conclusion, beagleboy, keep milking the system. Someone other than the top 10% of the most wealthy should benefit from the system for a change.

Oh yeah, and Obama's the food stamp president.
 
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Sure, you have no power when working with employers. I think, instead of a system that simply gives money, anyone "milking the system" (unless they are on permanent disability) should be forced to attend workshops and seminars on learning the ways of getting hired / buying clothes, keeping their positions, etc. This way, we're not just giving out free money to whoever the Hell wants it.

Top 10%, blah blah blah. The system's dying, you know. We're sucking it dry. Know how? All the people that refuse to work. Work really does make a person feel more confident. What we've become these days are lazy, cheap assholes. We want things for cheap prices. We want the system to pay for us. Or, if the system won't pay for us, we all want positions that pay $15+ an hour. We think the government owes us something.

Here's a message for everyone: no one owes you shit. Not the government, not your next door neighbor, not your mom.
 
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