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Regarding My Unemployed and Possibly Disabled Younger Brother

mecaib

mecaib

Bluelighter
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
353
So my younger brother has been staying over at my house. He's 19, unemployed, has never worked a regular job, and claims to be disabled (no specific diagnosis except for ADHD, but he is rather unstable in the head). He smokes a lot of pot, is prone to dragging his feet when it comes to taking care of any business whatsoever, and is planning to use a tax return he'll supposedly be getting on an RC car instead of saving it for something more useful.

Adding to all this, I've got severe mental health issues myself, and can't trust him to be alone at the house for any period of time because he has a long history of getting into and stealing shit that isn't his. He's been here little over a week now, and already my nerves are becoming seriously frayed. I'm becoming more withdrawn and depressed. I'm already quite housebound and was looking forward to getting out more this summer, but just can't see it happening at this point.

So what are his options? I heard that a person who has never worked, but is disabled, can receive SSI (not SSDI) benefits. Do any of you know of a good attorney for this? Where would we start to get the ball rolling? I live in California.

What else can I do? I don't want him to be homeless again, but as time goes on, I feel more and more ill at ease with him staying here. My older brother and I let him stay because we wanted to help him out, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before I lose it.
 
Been down that road... There isn't much you can do for your brother, he's gotta do it for himself. Be supportive, be a cheerleader... He needs to get a job, move out and support himself. Letting him sponge off you isn't going to help anything but drag you down.
 
^^
a fine idea... that or some other job where you don't need to be a self-starter, like alaskan crabbing, or working on an off shore oil rig.
 
As far as the stealing goes, I think you should put a lock on your room & maybe a closet door too, so you'll have a place to hide some valuables. That might give you some brief respite, should only cost about $12 for a door lock with a key. Four phillips head screws is all it takes to put a new knob lock or deadbolt lock in the place where your knob (or lever) is currently residing on your door.

btw have you seen this: http://www.ssa.gov/ssi/
 
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Pander Bear said:
^^
a fine idea... that or some other job where you don't need to be a self-starter, like alaskan crabbing, or working on an off shore oil rig.
Click to expand...

Is that a dig? I have been considering going into offshore oil rigging but didnt think I posted it here. The truth is the military can take a useless unproductive member of society and give them so much whether they like it or not. America needs less sponges imo
 
mecaib said:
So my younger brother has been staying over at my house. He's 19, unemployed, has never worked a regular job, and claims to be disabled (no specific diagnosis except for ADHD, but he is rather unstable in the head). He smokes a lot of pot, is prone to dragging his feet when it comes to taking care of any business whatsoever, and is planning to use a tax return he'll supposedly be getting on an RC car instead of saving it for something more useful.

Adding to all this, I've got severe mental health issues myself, and can't trust him to be alone at the house for any period of time because he has a long history of getting into and stealing shit that isn't his. He's been here little over a week now, and already my nerves are becoming seriously frayed. I'm becoming more withdrawn and depressed. I'm already quite housebound and was looking forward to getting out more this summer, but just can't see it happening at this point.

So what are his options? I heard that a person who has never worked, but is disabled, can receive SSI (not SSDI) benefits. Do any of you know of a good attorney for this? Where would we start to get the ball rolling? I live in California.

What else can I do? I don't want him to be homeless again, but as time goes on, I feel more and more ill at ease with him staying here. My older brother and I let him stay because we wanted to help him out, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before I lose it.
Click to expand...

Your brother isnt "disabled" he is just lazy. Im telling you this cause I dont want you to waste any of your money even talkign to an attorny. The only thing they will tell you is Having a learning disability like ADHD grants you no government aid because its a very MINOR disability. And then they might charge you for telling you that. It doesn't effect your brothers inelegance over all, just how he learns things. And if your brother has been to a doctor for that diognosis then if there were another issue it should have been noticed in some way.

It sounds more like your brother has no direction, and generally doesnt care. It also sounds like he has a drug problem if he is stealing from you. Do you know if he currently takes anything for his ADHD? he should really continue to see a doctor about that.

But here is a more important point: You also have to think about what is best for you. Of course you should help your brother any way possible, but dont be blind to what is really going on. Your brother needs to see a doctor about his own mental state first and formost IMO. And you need to consider that if you yourself are unstable and housebound than you are in a position where your more easy to take advantage of.
 
military. its the only thing that will pay decent and allow him to save. plus he can get college money.

everything else will just be a joke and set him up for constant failure. when living paycheck to paycheck things always pop up (usually outside of your control) and bring you down and if you ask people for help they won't understand and just think that you're a continually screw up.

forget ssi, there is no safety net within this country. get him to join now before he gets in real trouble and disqualifies himself.

if he's decent in school then maybe he should take out loans and try to go down the path of full time student and hope for a job afterwards but that's a gamble and will likely lead to student loan indentured servitude.

Nothing can be done... for men after 18 there is no more family and they have to make their own way.

we're all fucked in this economy, especially young people.

...but yeah, fuck family though, they ain't got nothing for you... he'll find that out sooner or later.
 
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if you want to be nice, say he can stay for a week, but he needs to get a job, and work at least 8 hours a day trying to get one. and surfing the web for a job does not count.
other than that, tell him to gtfo. suggest the military as somewhere where he can be clothed and fed and paid. Or he can be a bum, or be a criminal and go to jail.

don't risk your well-being for lazy people even if they are family.
 
OP, sounds like you yourself have some issues to work on. And by that I mean, your brother being there is challenging you to get out of your shell and be more confrontational. If you aren't telling him like it is, then no wonder he is walking all over you. That's what lazy parasites do. You've been given the perfect person to overcome your tendency to hide and avoid. And before you think I'm lecturing you like a know-it-all, I was in your position less than 2 years ago, living with roommates from HELL. It makes no difference if he is kin, a friend, or a roommate you don't know, if he is living in YOUR home he has to show respect, and if he doesn't then he must be made aware of his responsibilities and the consequences if he doesn't wake the fuck up to reality. Your brother is the one who doesn't give a fuck, but you do, which means it's going to be you who loses your stability if you don't be direct.

I actually sympathize with your brother. He is avoiding life way more hardcore than you are. You're hiding from the world, he is hiding from himself. Sounds like denial runs in the family. Which one of you is apt to break the cycle? Sounds like it's you... so you better get on top of it before he brings you both down. You don't have to be a total asshole about it - think tough love. But you know, if that doesn't work, then being an asshole will. Do whatever you've gotta do to reclaim your space and make things normal again, because parasites will violate all your boundaries until you have a nuclear meltdown. I speak from experience.

You're being tested.
 
little brother sounds more like a spoiled child than a disabled -adult-
time for him to get out of your place, get a job, and deal w/ life like everyone else has to do.
best of luck to you
-izzy
 
Thanks for all the responses, everyone <3 I'll reply in greater depth tomorrow, when I can put my thoughts in order.
 
OK, so today went fairly well. Managed to convince him to get an appointment at the DMV for his ID card. He's going tomorrow thanks to some cash I lent him for the purpose (hope to see it again). It wasn't without argument of course, plenty of "I can't (do this or that)," but the old admonition of Just Do It did the trick. It feels like he's blaming us for forcing the issue, but during his whole life our mom and his dad never really called him on things properly, most likely due to their advanced ages ("I'm too old to be a parent... again"[almost a direct quote]). Looks like my older brother will pretty much be forcing him to go along on jobs, that is if he sticks around after his DMV appt. tomorrow. He said he might not.

I haven't yet mentioned the military to him. On the one hand, I'd rather he didn't get caught up in a war or something. On the other, I think the discipline received would be *really* good for him, and he might even get to work on engines, which is pretty close to the occupation he'd like to have in life. Alaskan crabbing or an occupation at an offshore drilling rig I'll also mention. He'd get to travel and learn to be self-sufficient, both very big things for somebody from such a small, dead-end county :)

@nekointheclouds: He's not currently taking any medication other than cannabis. I don't think it's working too well.

@lcrlove & nekointheclouds: He hasn't recently stolen things from us that I know about, but not long before he moved here he was taking shit from our mom left and right. Buying a new lock would only help for my room. My older brother has an open loft, so there's no chance of putting a locked door up there without some major remodeling.

@Foreigner: I agree with you on all points. I avoid people because of my social anxiety, which is caused by some bad childhood events that made me feel too different, putting a wedge between me and the rest of the world. I didn't handle it well; I realize my condition is largely my own fault. I know I'm not alone, and am gradually working on my self with the hope that I can go back out there. Also, the resultant bipolar disorder I acquired along the way causes me to be either super depressed to the point stupidity, or manic to the point of saying or doing things I shouldn't. Usually I'm just depressed. You're probably right about my younger brother. It's usually what other people do to make his lot in life poor. Like when our mom had to put a restraining order against him a couple months back. He claims to have no clue why it happened, but since I talk with my mom at least twice a week I knew it was due to the emotional abuse he was dishing out to her, the stealing, and his laziness. So it does seem that he is hiding from himself. Really, we've already gone above and beyond what a sane person might do. I still believe there's hope for him, and he has made progress, emotionally speaking.

Thanks again for the replies, everyone. Sorry if it all seems drawn out and melodramatic. I truly don't like drama :p But I wanted to make things a little clearer, so if you have any more insight, I'm all ears <3
 
SIGH

no droppers, its not a dig.

Add to the list all the shale formation fracking jobs that are booming in the shitty states like North Dakota. Their unemployment rate is under 1%. Someone like OP's brother might end up in a ditch with a hole in his back from a card table or a cat house, though.
 
Looks I failed to mention that we live 7 miles from the nearest town, which happens to also be as far as the local transit goes. And it's a dangerous, winding road. That town isn't very big, so bus fare is usually needed in addition to a ride to town whenever my younger bro needs to "take care of business." This is a bad place to try gain a foothold from.

I'm seriously considering telling him this: if you spend your cash on an RC car, then you don't get to live here. I think it's completely fair, considering he can be saving money for a much needed bicycle, paying us for rent, etc. The excuse of "needing something to occupy my mind" won't wash, since he should be spending his time looking for ways to pull himself up.

What do you think?

Pander Bear said:
SIGH

no droppers, its not a dig.
Click to expand...

Um, what's that supposed to mean?

Add to the list all the shale formation fracking jobs that are booming in the shitty states like North Dakota. Their unemployment rate is under 1%. Someone like OP's brother might end up in a ditch with a hole in his back from a card table or a cat house, though.
Click to expand...

I'm personally opposed to fracking, since I do believe it harms the environment. But work is work :/
 
I think taking away his cash, or right to use it may ruin his only real chance for happiness. Many things that adults don't have the abilty to take for granted are same old hat to a kid who knows nothing of insurance & electric bills. Maybe make the kid save 80% of that money he has/makes and let him spend the other 20% in a non-self destructive manner. You can start some type of reward system maybe for keeping his sleep area clean, washing dishes ect?
 
^good point. I'll take all the suggestions I hear and build something beneficial with them.

I have zero experience with this kind of situation, only my own experiences, so to look at it from this angle is new to me.
 
Well, he's gone. Kicked out.

I spent yesterday morning investigating his money trail (the people I talked to were very friendly and helpful), and got down to the truth. Turns out he spent his money on that RC car last Wednesday (he actually brought the thing back with him yesterday), which means he flat out lied to me. He had no intention of paying us back, or bringing himself up in life. We were only his crash pad, and I truly feel used.

So I expressed my feelings toward him in a rather vehement manner... in other words, the shit hit the fan :\ I let him know about how much of a lying, spoiled brat of a shit he is, and about how he'll never be anything else unless he chooses differently. I also made known the precise reasons for why our mom had to put a restraining order against him. I feel bad for having to convey my and family's displeasure through a verbal explosion, but I don't regret doing so! He desperately needs to understand that people can't be crossed. He's lucky I didn't use my fists, though I was sorely tempted to.

Will he eventually end up with a knife in his back? If he crosses the wrong person, it may happen. Not everyone is as friendly (ha) as I am. What was simply a verbal argument between him and myself might be something totally different with someone else. If he learned something through all this, I hope it was that people are to be respected, not used :|

Concerning my post's title, I'm now 99.9% certain that he doesn't have any sort of disability. I think he's just easily bored to the point of foregoing actual work for play :p
 
^ That really sucks, sorry to hear that you found out in that way what a shit person he can be.

Hopefully he'll learn something, but he probably wont. At least you yourself have learnt something, and have the comfort of knowing you're a decent person with prospects in life.
 
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