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reccomendations on what to do with 18 year old junkie brother?

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
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Looking-Glass Land
he's been addicted to opiates for about 2 years. started with oxy. now he's smoking black. at least i hope he's still smoking it. for the longest time my parents kept him living at home and were all over him 24/7. but finally he quit going to school, stole and stole and stole from us...and at that point there was nothing we could do. had to kick him out. it has been about 7 months since he has been kicked out. he's got a couple theft charges too. my mom goes to group meetings for parents in similar situations. my parents tell him if he can pass a urine test he can come back in, and then has to agree to random ones whenever they ask. they also said at any time they will pay for a nice rehab but it has to be a 3+ month one. he doesn't call my mom very often because she is doing the don't talk to me till you're clean and gonna change your life type thing. which i am doing too. my dad on the other hand he calls daily for rides, food, clothes etc. at first my mom and i were doing the same but that is only enabling him, and making his life easier. we want my dad do quit helping him out because my brother needs to realize this is how his entire life will and he needs to realize soon that he needs to change. hes usually just staying with his junkie friends so he's not sleeping on the street or anything, at least the majority of the time he isn't. currently he is in a hotel. my parents paid a week for him at a hotel because every once in a while he convinces them he wants to get clean and needs a place to stay. after 3 days he refused to take a drug test for my parents so we knew he hasn't been clean, he still has a few more days in there but he won't be clean. my parents got him suboxone a while ago but he quit taking it. and they didn't wanna get him methadone but finally agreed to it, then he said he didn't want to anymore.

any tips on what we should do? how we should treat him? we aren't dicks to him every time my mom talks to him she basically ends up crying, i know he knows my parents still care/love him. and i know the user has to want to quit..is there any hope? i miss my brother. any input will be appreciated



and i know how powerful opiates can be, i've had a couple friends who i no longer associate with because they're in the same situation or in jail. and i've done it and other hard drugs in the past on occasion when i was younger, but i never did it enough to form any habits so i don't know 100% how it is.
 
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sounds like youre all doing the right the right thing. give him tough love and do not enable him. when he is ready to quit, he will. but it will be hard and pointless to make him get clean before he is ready. wait it out and gently push him in the right direction and understand its not him controlling his body anymore, but the dope
 
this isn't gonna be what you wanna hear, but its the truth.......

he has to be ready to get clean, no one can force him to.......a hotel is enabling him, if he really wanted to get sober he would either way. i suggest supporting him once he will take a UA.....

or you could get him arrested for possession..... this is usually the final straw, so i would not do this.....hes only 18
 
SkagKush said:
this isn't gonna be what you wanna hear, but its the truth.......

he has to be ready to get clean, no one can force him to.......a hotel is enabling him, if he really wanted to get sober he would either way. i suggest supporting him once he will take a UA.....

or you could get him arrested for possession..... this is usually the final straw, so i would not do this.....hes only 18
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he's stole from us (checks, money, stuff to pawn, etc), broke into our house because we pissed him off, etc....we didn't want to to get him arrested because we didn't wanna fuk up his life by putting stuff on his record. so eventually we had to kick him out. but now he has a shoplifting charge on there anyhow.


i guess i will just wait it out.
 
^ i was merely just providing an alternative, and i also said that personally i would NOT do this......however, sometimes jail is the only thing to straighten someone out.......

my first option is what i was actually recommending.......he cant do it for you or your family.......
 
Do you have any close family members/member that are out-out-state/country that you can send him to? If he's anything like me or the majority of other users, he's got to get the hell up out of there.
 
Maybe you should focus some of your efforts into non-punitive interactions with your little brother and maybe try to understand him abit. Because right now it seems like there's absolutely no communication it's just me against them type of thing, maybe if you could make him feel like you just want to help and not punish him but just gain some more understanding into the kid maybe he will grow more receptive to rehab and what not.
 
8L4YN3 said:
Maybe you should focus some of your efforts into non-punitive interactions with your little brother and maybe try to understand him abit. Because right now it seems like there's absolutely no communication it's just me against them type of thing, maybe if you could make him feel like you just want to help and not punish him but just gain some more understanding into the kid maybe he will grow more receptive to rehab and what not.
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every time he calls atleast once a day my parents are tell him he can't live his entire life like this, that he needs help, hes destroying his body, that they want him better, and that they will put him in an expensive rehab, not some of those shitty ones
 
Your brother will get clean when he wants to. As a brother, only thing you can do is listen. I definitely wouldnt give him ny money & the only thing your parents are doing when they pay for a hotel room for a week is they are buying him a place to party at with his friends. They definitely shouldnt waste anymore more money with hotels.

Buying him a meal here & there is the only thing I would do. Like your parents stated to him, pass the piss test & you can come back home. Your brother hasnt hit rock bottom yet but when he does, he may realize this isnt the way to live.
 
MindOverMethadone said:
Do you have any close family members/member that are out-out-state/country that you can send him to? If he's anything like me or the majority of other users, he's got to get the hell up out of there.
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My father sent me to Europe to stay with my cousin & his wife for 4 months when I was 18 because my mom found an ounce of weed in my room & like 10 empty Colt 45 bottles. My parents are 100% totally against drugs as I would be with my kids. They sent me over their to chill out & get my head on str8 but since the buying age of alcohol is 16, I was having the time of my life.

My cousin & his wife would take me to clubs at night & we would have a blast. So no, I dont think staying with relatives far away is good unless they are strict & have a plan for you to withrawal & quit.
 
I know this might sound strange and shit....


Why don't you have a LSD trip with your brother and talk about his problems... I know that when tripping it sure can be a life changing experience..Makes you think a lot about your life and issues that you have even if you don't want too, it really does open your eyes.. It might let him look at his life in a different way and see what fucked up dissensions he has made in life... I know this is strange advice but i have personal experience with this and so do a couple of my close friends...It really can change a person view on life....
 
Unbreakable said:
I know this might sound strange and shit....


Why don't you have a LSD trip with your brother and talk about his problems... I know that when tripping it sure can be a life changing experience..Makes you think a lot about your life and issues that you have even if you don't want too, it really does open your eyes.. It might let him look at his life in a different way and see what fucked up dissensions he has made in life... I know this is strange advice but i have personal experience with this and so do a couple of my close friends...It really can change a person view on life....
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SOme people can handle an LSD trip & some cant. What if he flips out & mentally fries his brain? I know LSD can cure & have cured drug addicts but if it is done, it should be done under a controlled environment.
 
Unbreakable said:
I know this might sound strange and shit....


Why don't you have a LSD trip with your brother and talk about his problems... I know that when tripping it sure can be a life changing experience..Makes you think a lot about your life and issues that you have even if you don't want too, it really does open your eyes.. It might let him look at his life in a different way and see what fucked up dissensions he has made in life... I know this is strange advice but i have personal experience with this and so do a couple of my close friends...It really can change a person view on life....
Click to expand...

I wouldn't do this unless you know your brother can handle a psychedelic experience. If he's dealing with some personal issues they may bubble up as something a lot more intense during a psychedelic experience.

Even if he does have experience with psychedelics, I would still not do this unless you've done some serious research and had a serious talk with your brother about it...
 
TheLostBoys said:
SOme people can handle an LSD trip & some cant. What if he flips out & mentally fries his brain? I know LSD can cure & have cured drug addicts but if it is done, it should be done under a controlled environment.
Click to expand...

I agree, never said dose him out... Talk about it and prepare for the experience... Lucy is such a beautiful & enlightening women.... <3
 
SkagKush said:
^ i was merely just providing an alternative, and i also said that personally i would NOT do this......however, sometimes jail is the only thing to straighten someone out.......
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^^^THIS. Whether or not you guys wanna believe it, paying for a hotel for him is enabling him. I mean c'mon, seriously? This is coming from somebody that got out of rehab a few weeks ago and has 70+ days sober. He has stolen from you guys, walked all over you guys, and treated you like shit and you're going to provide a safe place for him to sit around at use at? Stupidity. Some people NEED to spend some time in jail to realize where their life is headed and that they can only fix what is going on by quitting dope. It isn't easy but this kid obviously will not learn unless he is completely cut off. As for you saying that you didn't want him to steal or whatever, that is just excuses you are making because you love him. It's time to do the whole tough love thing COMPLETELY, because nothing else seems to be working.
 
TheLostBoys said:
My father sent me to Europe to stay with my cousin & his wife for 4 months when I was 18 because my mom found an ounce of weed in my room & like 10 empty Colt 45 bottles. My parents are 100% totally against drugs as I would be with my kids. They sent me over their to chill out & get my head on str8 but since the buying age of alcohol is 16, I was having the time of my life.

My cousin & his wife would take me to clubs at night & we would have a blast. So no, I dont think staying with relatives far away is good unless they are strict & have a plan for you to withrawal & quit.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, not trying to sound like a smartass, but why would you send your child away to get clean, to friends/relatives who are not strict and unable to make rational decisions?
I am currently in a different country, very far away from home, and I've been clean for months now. I can guarantee that my habit was a lot worse than his little brothers and for a longer period of time. So to each his own.
 
Just ignore him like you've been doing and move on with your life. Eventually he'll probably OD or end up in jail. There's nothing you can do about it. The only thing you get to choose is how you treat him.
 
It sounds like your dad is sabotaging the rest of your family's effort to help him get cleaned up =/ He totally undermines everyone else's attempts at creating a bottom line by offering your brother rides, food, etc. Your brother needs to wake up and that's not gonna happen if someone's holding his hand the entire time. I know it must be hard for a parent to "let go" of their child but when it comes to addiction, a person can't really hit rock bottom until they lose everything (including all hands out, family contact, etc.). I subscribe to the belief that a lot (not all) of people need to hit rock bottom before they truly want to sober up, and that desire is vital for someone to become clean. If they don't want it themselves, it won't happen, and he's not going to want it until he feels that he's lost pretty much everything and can't have it back until he gets better.

With that being said, it sounds like what you and your mom are doing is WONDERFUL. I know it must be hard... I can't imagine having to cut off my son or brother. All I know is that if my family hadn't done that with me, I never would've had the desire to get better. As long as they kept holding my hand, I knew I could get away with murder and continue my drug habit. Your brother is probably the same way... many addicts are.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Hopefully he seeks help soon. It's wonderful to hear that you guys are prepared to offer him substantial treatment. I honestly think (and this is just a personal opinion) that 30 day rehabs aren't really that beneficial for most because it takes some SERIOUS work to stay sober so the 90 day plus rehab sounds amazing. Not many people get that kind of opportunity so hopefully your brother will take it when he's ready.

Is there any way your dad could start going to these parenting meetings? Perhaps he could learn that what he's doing is NOT benefiting your brother in any way. I'm assuming your mother has already talked to him about it but it's worth a shot.

I hope he gets better soon. Don't give up hope yet. Continue to let him know that you'll always be there for him but you can no longer offer him anything until he sobers up (I'm sure you have but yeah).

P.S.: Unbreakable, I know you mean well but I seriously doubt doing drugs with an addict will help clear up anything. Yeah, LSD can help garner clarity for some but his brother needs to see that there are other ways to do this without using drugs. Besides, he's probably not mentally stable... LSD is dangerous for people who don't have their head on straight... and for what I would think are obvious reasons. I won't rehash anything else because Nation already said it well enough but yeah, OP, I would NOT do this if I were you.
 
Don't ever give up on him. Statistically slim to no chance, but like any other disease you wouldn't quit cuz someone had been diagnosed with cancer, their is hope. Best thing you can is keep contact but keep areas of your life (money, possessions) at a distance. Offering food / a place to live with good surroundings can make all the difference when you are at the lowest place, then again an addict will take any kind gesture and flip it around for drug of choice, at least i sure have.
 
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