Realm - It Is What It IS

[realm]

This is a new song i'm working on with a sad acoustic guitar beat...PLEASE CRITIQUE

it is what it is thats what my father told me
hold ya head son this world is filled with cold streets
no homies no ol' g's only sold souls
comin dimes for dozens no aunts uncles and no cousins
my fam fucked me but fuck it if nobody loves me
thats how it is right? how do we live life?
take it second by minute week by month
i gotta live it up the only chance i got
fuck if im a have not i got a breath so i have alot
my tongue is my weapon thats the shit old man was stressin
its a blessin to have had him for 20 years
taught me never have fear but now he dissapeared
life is fucked up what a general statement
i hate displacement gotta organize time for arrangement
always knew its quality not quantity
no man can measure what i got in me


were just a product of theology
dont be callin me when u plannin robberies
im stayin off the streets planned on only doin good
im a changed man my past self was so misunderstood
know and respect my enemies so they dont get the best of me
underestimation is gonna be the death of me
judge not lest ye be judged fuck bein a thug
im only real call me what u want
i know who i am i never had to flaunt
jealous motha fuckas know the game
they be hatin somethin serious
then get caught up in the flames
its all a day to day struggle just to maintain
who knew that life would be this ruthless
shit is deadlier than atom bombs and nuclear fusion
which game you choosin? life is lose win
its all a stride besides you gotta know ya boys are down to ride or die
realized we livin in sin and since then i pretend


hell is in my mind thats what evil said
hell is a trap for souls who didnt ask to know
reapin what we sew every second time will flow
this life is just a diamond show
puzzling and ghastly aptly we learn the tragedy
drama and casualties-its war and actually
im passively askin just to be set free!
let me be every second that im left to breathe
instead i see and wonder what could be
if only i could die a death that wasnt meant for me
endlessly pummeled into thought of what if
what if it ends like this? what if it ends like this?
i might slip realities lost with no tight grip
i just slipped...theres no comin back for me
life was never ask and you shall receive
this life is it and when i die i dont care when or why
just make it fast so i see less violence thru these lonely eyes

 

[New]

I don't have a critique for this...I liked the bounce and flow in this.

 

[Mehm]

Impactful. This piece makes me sad, which is good I guess. I also like the building of rhyme schemes. The first stanza kind of reads like a prose. The second is a solid abab, and the third seems to drop in triplets. I'd like to here it to a beat.

 

[realm]

It's gonna be done to a beat later this week, i need a final version of it from my producer. I'll send you a copy of the track when it's completed. As for knowing all the rhyme schemes i really had no idea i wrote in specific rhyme schemes its just how i naturally write..thanks for pointing those out, you learn something new everyday. And yes this piece was meant to build throughout, similar to my last song. It was meant to be depressing, the beat is a very soulful acoustic guitar beat with an acoustic rhythm and a solo acoustic guitar which i use to get a feel for melody with my vocals. Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Raz]

I wasn't really getting into it so much until this bit....

take it second by minute week by month
i gotta live it up the only chance i got
fuck if im a have not i got a breath so i have alot

..That first line I quoted got my attention in a good way and the rest of it clicked really well from there. It's got an easy rhythm to it too, I didn't have any trouble hearing it in my head and not just reading words on paper. Or intarnets. Blah, whatever. Anyway, point is I like...it would be cool to hear it when is done.

 

[RareForm]

yea, Realm. i'd like to hear it as well.