readme.txt (system hidden archive read-only) - Critique away.

[EntrenchdMentalist]

You, me, all of us.
We're all mind-readers.
Using English or any other vocal form,
standing back from crossed arms,
navigating a casino crowd (all searching eyes and no direction),
smiling,
winking,
smirking,
working out what to say next that'll have the best effect as you hold a stare,
information is translated out of your inner language into that of others.
There are no etherlings (sick!),
just nodes on Network Earth exchanging packets of
peoplespeak and other protocols.
You can decipher yourself in order to communicate virally,
peer to peer,
with a little deprogramming

 

[EntrenchdMentalist]

I'm a little rusty. Been getting a bit of inspiration a bit lately after not much for a while.

 

[Raz]

I have been reading this over a few times to let it sink in....I really like the concept, the idea of examining communication from the point of communication itself rather than the emotion in it....this bit is my favourite:

There are no etherlings (sick!),
just nodes on Network Earth exchanging packets of
peoplespeak and other protocols.
You can decipher yourself in order to communicate virally,
peer to peer,
with a little deprogramming

 

[(Wordy)]

I really like the concept too.

As an exercise in de-familiarisation though, to me it's only one click to the left... You're describing something I think I understand (communication between humans) using something else I think I understand (communications between computers / transmitting and receiving data over the net). It's an interesting analogy, for sure, but I don't know whether you've actually challenged my thinking, or made me re-think either of these activities by using them as metaphors for one another. I'm not saying the piece should do this (that would be silly of me), but I think it could... I guess I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about language and how it functions, so I'm being the proverbial tough crowd here.

Maybe the analogy isn't as neat as it first appears? Maybe you could open each part of the process up for questioning, as part of the poem? Maybe there could be more of an attempt to describe how these processes work, in more detail? And how, sometimes, they don't work (the way they're "supposed" to)?

These are just some ideas on how you could expand the poem... (from text file to motion picture in 96,158,912 easy steps...?)