My hope is that writing this blog will help me understand my own issue better, as well as give me people to talk to about my problem.
Why I need to quit amphetamines:
I took amphetamines for around 4 months last Spring, and stopped after then end of the semester, after doing pretty bad academically from having such a fucked up schedule and not taking care of myself. I was sleeping UNHUMAN amounts at college, sometimes only sleeping 3-4 times in a week. I never slept more than about 5 times a week. My face was VERY noticably changed after just ONE SEMESTER.
I stopped taking amphetamines for a LONG time, a good full 6 months.
I started again 2 months ago, after getting some Vyvanse from a friend. So now I'm prescribed Adderall again, but the changed appearance in my face is KILLING me.
I am self-conscious as hell about it. My eyelids are permanently kinda baggy/droopy, it's like I just have too much eyelid. My cheeks each have two lines across them, one at the top of my shallow-out cheeks, and the other is a deep nasolabial fold. It's terrible, I look like a drug user just from looking at my FACE. Doesn't that sound terrible? Who wants their face of all things to look like you use drugs... My lips are all beak-like too, it really sucks. My body in general is aged, my face is thinned out, I'm hurting my body. I'm self-conscious about my appearance normally, but irreversible damage to my face is just TOO FUCKING DESTRUCTIVE to my wellbeing, for the REST OF MY LIFE. My face never "recovered" when I stopped for 6 months. Every morning, my eyelids are super poofy and you can see the rings under my eyes from the speed. Also, my nose is changing shape... I can't stand the thought of making my face look even worse.
The reason why it break my heart to quit amphetamines:
I'm in upper-level mathematics classes at a top-tier school, and amphetamine lets me really "get into it". I can take something from the class notes that I don't understand, and just work on it on a blackboard for 30 minutes, an hour, whatever it takes, and I'm really interested and enjoying the work. It makes me an information sponge, where I'll work patiently for hours. It also works really well for math, which requires abstract thinking and reasoning. In short, amphetamine is a wonder-drug for those in upper-level mathematics classes.
See my conflict? The drug that makes me fascinated in and great at mathematics, is also ruining my facial appearance irreparably. After college, I'm getting either plastic surgery or facial fillers, or both, to try to make myself look less bad. I mean, I don't look like a meth-head, but you can certainly see that I use illicit drugs.
Thoughts?
Why I need to quit amphetamines:
I took amphetamines for around 4 months last Spring, and stopped after then end of the semester, after doing pretty bad academically from having such a fucked up schedule and not taking care of myself. I was sleeping UNHUMAN amounts at college, sometimes only sleeping 3-4 times in a week. I never slept more than about 5 times a week. My face was VERY noticably changed after just ONE SEMESTER.
I stopped taking amphetamines for a LONG time, a good full 6 months. I started again 2 months ago, after getting some Vyvanse from a friend. So now I'm prescribed Adderall again, but the changed appearance in my face is KILLING me.
I am self-conscious as hell about it. My eyelids are permanently kinda baggy/droopy, it's like I just have too much eyelid. My cheeks each have two lines across them, one at the top of my shallow-out cheeks, and the other is a deep nasolabial fold. It's terrible, I look like a drug user just from looking at my FACE. Doesn't that sound terrible? Who wants their face of all things to look like you use drugs... My lips are all beak-like too, it really sucks. My body in general is aged, my face is thinned out, I'm hurting my body. I'm self-conscious about my appearance normally, but irreversible damage to my face is just TOO FUCKING DESTRUCTIVE to my wellbeing, for the REST OF MY LIFE. My face never "recovered" when I stopped for 6 months. Every morning, my eyelids are super poofy and you can see the rings under my eyes from the speed. Also, my nose is changing shape... I can't stand the thought of making my face look even worse.
The reason why it break my heart to quit amphetamines:
I'm in upper-level mathematics classes at a top-tier school, and amphetamine lets me really "get into it". I can take something from the class notes that I don't understand, and just work on it on a blackboard for 30 minutes, an hour, whatever it takes, and I'm really interested and enjoying the work. It makes me an information sponge, where I'll work patiently for hours. It also works really well for math, which requires abstract thinking and reasoning. In short, amphetamine is a wonder-drug for those in upper-level mathematics classes.
See my conflict? The drug that makes me fascinated in and great at mathematics, is also ruining my facial appearance irreparably. After college, I'm getting either plastic surgery or facial fillers, or both, to try to make myself look less bad. I mean, I don't look like a meth-head, but you can certainly see that I use illicit drugs.
Thoughts?