Opioids quitting 2 year painkiller addiction- once and for all

[kittychew]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post this, but here goes:

I started taking vicodin/percocet recreationally 2 years ago- one of my friends took them for fun and she would give me a couple when we had sleepovers- then we'd paint our nails, watch a movie and have a good time. It started off as a weekend thing, then became a few nights a week thing- where I was buying 20 of them to last me a week.

But then it became an every night thing, and now it's an every day, every night habit. I used to take two 5mg percocets and I'd be high as a kite. Now I have to take 3 at a time just to feel something. I take 6-7 in a 3 hour period. Usually twice a day. So about 14 5mg percocet a day. I get them for snip a pill. I go through like 80 of them in a week. My checking account is always negative. I spend my money on these before I spend it on bills, food or gas or other necessities. All I care about is not running out of pills. I'm constantly sneaking around and having to lie about where my money is going. I've had to ask so many people for loans to bail me out of the hole. I go to make deals on my lunch break at work- risking everything! My friend who got me into this has been doing it for 5 years now. Her tolerance is even higher than mine. Not only that, but she's a trust fund baby and has plenty of money to support her addiction- I do not.

I can't do it anymore. My boyfriend doesn't even know about my addiction and my heart would break if he ever found out. My mom is very close to finding out as she's been loaning me money when I don't have enough money left to pay my rent.

So I'm really doing it. I called NA last night and found a place that has meetings right by my apartment. Tonight I'm going to my first meeting and I plan to go at least twice a week until I've mentally let it go. I've been tapering off slowly and should be totally off them by next Tuesday. If I fail the first try, I'm going to tell my mom about it because then there will be no turning back- but that's a last resort because I already know I can do it myself. I have 2 friends who have agreed to be my support, and who I can call if I feel like I'm going to slip and go back.

I don't want to end up depending on this as my only source of "happiness". I'm lucky that I still enjoy certain people, places and activities without them- if I keep this up, pretty soon that will not be the case and I'll be all alone with nobody that brings me any happiness except for these evil little things- and that's my worst nightmare- to be so dependent on them that any time I experience joy, it's not real- it's fake: it's chemically induced. That's how my friend is- she says she doesn't need anyone or anything- that the pills are all she needs to feel love. I'm almost to that point, I can feel it looming around the corner- so I'm done. I'll lose the people who mean the most to me if I don't quit. Myself included.

The friend who got me into this and I have not been getting along lately- because I silently resent her for getting me into this mess. Whenever I put my foot down and say, I can't do it anymore- I have no money for this round, she offers to front me some pills until I get paid again. And then the vicious cycle continues. She doesn't want to be alone in her addiction. I don't think she will ever quit. And as long as she's in my life, I'm not going to be able to either. So I sent her an email, explaining that I'm really quitting. And she should respect that I need to distance myself from her. Our friendship has been on the rocks for a long time because of this.

I can't feel good about myself as long as I continue to be weak and let this control me. Fuck this. I'm saving myself. They cannot have me- I deserve better.

I'm excited to have my money problems behind me. And to stop sneaking around. And to not be ashamed of myself anymore. To be a normal person who doesn't have an awful secret they're keeping from everyone. To move on with my life.

Wish me luck. If you have any advice or insights to offer, please do.



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__________________
"You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together"
--Elliott Smith

 

[Ashley26]

good for you, that's great. I can identifiy with you 100%, I've been there many times.

I would suggest trying Suboxone, it's a lifesaver.

 

[death&decay]

Good luck, you should really give it up if you have issues with moderation. Your at a point where your starting to slope, meaning its getting worse and worse progressively faster. Wait until you get on oxycontin and then that does nothing and you move to heroin. Then after snorting H for a while it gets dull and you start slamming. Then boom your in such a deep hole it seems impossible to escape.

Now that doesn't always happen, but you need to remember that if you have difficulty with self control it can happen so fast you wont even know it. I have seen so many friends die and lose everything over dope. Yet, I still continue that roller coaster myself.

Chances are meetings wont be enough, depending on how much you feel you need to get high. They help, don't get me wrong, but that is only partial. Having friends to support you will help a lot too, probably more than the meetings. If you slip up try again. If you continue to slip up see about getting on treatment like suboxone or methadone.

Best

 

[anonymous1419]

I'm in the same boat. Addicted to oxycontin for 2+ years.. it's robbed me of so much. I've come to live like a recluse, only letting people in whom are also addicts. I've wanted to/"tried" to quit many times before but recently I've been thinking about really giving it my all to quit for good. I spend snip on an OC80 each day and I only earn snip a week, not nearly enough to support that kind of spending along with gas, food, and other expenses. I've been pulling tons of cash out of my savings acct to get by. Not to mention I'm living at my parents house for the summer (I just finished my first year of college) and don't have to worry about bills for now. But I will come September when school starts up again, so by that time I need to be done. I can't easily get the pills where I go to school, and if I can they're ridiculously expensive.

We started off basically the same way. Although I never popped any of my pills (unless I was desperate and could only get vics or percs, I started off snorting them because of one of my girl friends) but we would do the same thing, do oxy have a sleep over watch movies gossip whatever. (I'm also a girl just to eliminate confusion lol) Then before I knew it it took triple the dose I started with to even feel anything. Now I do about six times that amount. And I haven't looked back since.

It's time to call it quits. But I can't quit until I'm ready. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I have a growing feeling that it will be SOON that I know I will really be ready to quit.

I wish you the best of luck, I really do. Opiates are a bitch to get off, and somehow if I see that other people on bluelight can do it, then somehow I know I can do it too...eventually.

Oh also, you mentioned NA meetings.. you didn't include your religious beliefs or anything but I have attended numerous AA and NA meetings, and found them to be less than helpful. I'm agnostic, I don't necessarily believe in a "higher power", and since that's basically the whole principle of the AA/NA program, I just found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of their literature. But to each his own, if you feel a strong tie to religion and a higher power, give it a try.

Let us know how it goes. Keep in mind you might experience some minor withdrawal, so give yourself a couple days to just kind of lay in bed and get the shit out of your body (no pun intended8) ) for good.

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[stray cat]

i can't believe your trust fund friend hasn't moved on to the non-apap formulations! u should probably e-mail her an advertisement for oxycontins or something b/c if she's in love w/ paying snip for 5mg percs, she's going to be in complete ecstacy when she can do like 300mgs a day w/out ODing on tylenol. maybe it will help her respect your space and improve your friendship. just kidding btw, and not trying to make light of your situation, i promise.

more constructively, your story is essentially the story of every person who gets addicted to opiates. it always starts out as fun, just a few pills on the weekends, then it turns into an all day every day thing, you start to neglect your other, more important responsibilities in favor of getting high, and the spiral can continue down as far as you let it. you definitely don't have to be living under a bridge, degrading yourself to get your next shot before you realize you've had enough.

people often talk about having to hit a "rock bottom" before they can sincerely make a positive change in their lives, but someone once described the journey of addiction to me as more like an elevator, where your bottom is wherever you decide to get off-- i prefer that version. it sounds like you've had enough and you're ready to get off. it sounds like you have a good support group, and i definitely think you are making a wise decision to distance yourself from that friend, at least for now, because she will only negatively influence your recovery. meetings can help. friends can help. finding other hobbies and things to occupy your time can help. and things like suboxone can definitely help if you decide you need to go that route. don't get discouraged if you slip up sometimes; as long as you keep a positive outlook and have the will to stop, and are willing to enlist the support of other people, things, etc. to aid you, you can and will succeed. good luck!

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[WARDMAN3]

I went on suboxone in January for my 10 year on and off moderate abuse of hydro/oxy. At this point I only take 1mg a day and I am slowly weaning off and hope to be off by September. I never needed more than 6mgs a day and that was only the first three days. I quickly went down to 2mgs and have been tapering. I never have taken more than that in a day and I average 1mg a day. It has helped me to get my head back on while I work at building my self esteem and restoring my health, both body and soul. If used properly, it can be life saving aid in the road to recovery.

 

[stray cat]

Oh also, you mentioned NA meetings.. you didn't include your religious beliefs or anything but I have attended numerous AA and NA meetings, and found them to be less than helpful. I'm agnostic, I don't necessarily believe in a "higher power", and since that's basically the whole principle of the AA/NA program, I just found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of their literature. But to each his own, if you feel a strong tie to religion and a higher power, give it a try.

anonymous, i've never found meetings to be helpful for me at all, and i don't exactly know what my beliefs are about a higher power, but theoretically at least, the "higher power"/"power greater then yourself" doesn't have to be anything spriritual at all. when i was in rehab (lol, i know, i'm a winner), they always said things like "aa/na itself could be the higher power/power greater than yourself." another favorite was asking someone if they could lift a car alone- obviously not. "do you believe all the people in this room could lift a car?" yes. then you believe in a power greater than yourself, etc. still kind of mumbo-jumboish in my opinion, but to the OP: i would not necessarily write it off without trying it, even if you don't have the strongest religious convictions in the world.

on the other hand, many people theorize that the whole basis upon which the 12 step programs work is that someone has to have a spiritual awakening at some point along the way, and thus be willing to completely change their lives as a result. if that's true, then aa/na would only really work long-term for the small % of people in those programs who actually have a spiritual awakening or those who are willing to completely change their lives, something that most younger opiate addicts are not willing to do. in response to this, there is a growing debate regarding the efficacy of medicinal treatment of the "disease" of addiction (like suboxone) vs. the traditional (aa/na/etc.) approach. it goes something like: if addictions is really a medically recognized disease, then why not treat it like every other disease? that is, why not just have addicts take a pill a day like every other person w/ a chronic disease rather than throw them all into 12-step programs with negigible results that inherently rely on a spiritual awakening/complete life change? lol, anyway, i got sort of off track there...

OP, i guess what i'm saying is that there are many different ways to approach this- i wouldn't write anything off yet- hopefully you will find something that works for you!

 

[kittychew]

Don't you have to go to the doctor to get a script for Suboxone? I'd prefer this not to be in my medical file. I don't want to end up hooked on another drug either. All my life, I've replaced one addiction with another. This time, I'm not doing that.

I've been through the physical withdrawal before when I've ran out- I know what I'm in for. I'm just hoping since I'm tapering down that it won't be as bad. I have a 9-5 office job 5 days a week so I'm not going to be able to just stay in bed for those 3-4 days I feel like complete ass. I'm just going to have to muddle through it. Just going to drink Immodium, stay hydrated and try sleeping pills to sleep...

I'm not very religious at all- I'm not intending to do the whole 12 steps unless I have to. I'm moreso going to the meetings just for support- to check in. I'm pretty confident that I can kick it. My dad was a drug addict (crank) for many years (that he was absent from my life)- he quit cold turkey, didn't go to rehab or any meetings and he didn't have any support. If he could do it the hard way, I'm pretty sure I can do it this way.

And FYI, I was also using oxycontin 10 or 20mg and 10mg or 5mg vicodins as well- ya know, whatever did the trick- whatever was available. I'm lucky that I never was that into the Oxy- I always preferred the opiates that were mixed with APAP for some reason, which is dumb because it's so much worse on your body! My friend feels the same way- which is why she sticks to the APAP combos. Right now I have a couple of the 20mg Oxys left, a few percocet and a few of the shitty 5mg vicodins which I'm using to taper off with.... I'm taking them in order of strongest to weakest- so switching from oxycontin to percocet then down to hydro and then to nothing.. dosing smaller and smaller each time. I'm sure I'll be back posting next week once the physical withdrawals hit. Hopefully they won't be too rough.

Thanks for all the input, guys!

 

[toolfan420]

I was in your situation for a long time. It is pretty hard to change your lifestyle and friends but it really is pretty necessary IMO if you want to get clean, which is good that you want to stop hanging out with your friend because she doesn't seem like a real friend at all.

I could never stay away from opiates for too long every time I tried. The only reason I'm not addicted now is because of opiate maintenance programs. If you have trouble staying off opiates by yourself I would recommend it, although there is a decent chance your NA peers won't support this IME but every group is different. It isn't for everyone though.

I got suboxone from a clinic because I couldn't afford a doctor so you could look into that.

Either way you just gotta persevere. I really hope things go well for you.

 

[stray cat]

Don't you have to go to the doctor to get a script for Suboxone? I'd prefer this not to be in my medical file.

if you obtain it legally, then yes, you have to be prescribed suboxone by a doctor or receive it from a clinic. however, you would probably not go see your primary care physician -- you'd go see a doctor that prescribes suboxone -- and the file he kept on you would never have to leave his office or be sent to any other doctor or medical facility in the world unless you wanted it to be. i'm not advocating the suboxone route necessarily, but it really helps a lot of people stay off of opiates. if you are averse to using it for long-term maintenance, it can also be used for a pretty short-term taper, which wouldn't really be replacing one addiction for another. there is a lot more to getting off of opiates than getting through the physical withdrawals though.

 

[skn]

Thanks for all the input, guys!

your welcome! %) i wouldnt say tapering oxy with hydro (a completely different drug, surely your dealers might tell you this) is the best idea u ever had but hey, hope u work things out

 

[stray cat]

i wouldnt say tapering oxy with hydro (a completely different drug, surely your dealers might tell you this) is the best idea u ever had but hey, hope u work things out

i'm not trying to be a dick or anything, and maybe i'm missing something here, but why would it be a bad idea to taper oxy with hydro, skn? it sounds like you're trying to make the OP sound stupid for saying that; it would work as well as tapering with oxy, probably better if she prefers oxy. again, sorry if i misunderstood you, but it sounds like you're putting her down for a perfectly legitimate idea

 

[TeaDaze]

I can relate to your situation indeed, but I had a much larger habit. I am SO glad that you have realized that you have a problem, and are seeking help for it - for some people it takes hitting "rock bottom". I was on MMT for a couple months which helped for me, but I would certainly NOT recommend it, suboxone has saved many of my friends, and was available at our methadone clinic (not sure how it is everywhere). I agree with what someone mentioned as well about eliminating contacts that you had while you were using. I also believe that NA or AA would be a good idea, even if you aren't religious, just go in and listen - stay busy.

I wish you all the luck in the world with everything, stay strong friend.

 

[kittychew]

I definitely know the difference between oxy and hyrdo. I have just found that hyrdo is easier to get off of than oxy- so that's why I'm doing it the way I am- my last doses are going to be hydro. I'm coming down from taking like 70mg of oxycodone a day- my last day I'll just be taking 10mg of hydrocodone. I think my plan will work for me.

The meeting last night was quite a shock for me. I had no idea how terrified I'd be but every part of me wanted to run out of that room. But I didn't. And I'm so glad. By the end of the meeting, I felt so much better. And not alone. There WAS a lot of God talk, but what really helped me was listening to everyone else- there were quite a number of people that I related to and I even spoke to the group too- even though I was trembling from head to toe. I was going to give a nickname instead of my real name, but it felt like just another lie- so I told them my real name. It felt great.

I just deleted all of the random contacts out of my phone that I've ever bought pills from- and before I deleted them, I sent them all a text that I'm quitting and there's no need to keep me in the loop about when any are available ever again.

MAN THAT FELT GOOD!

 

[Cane2theLeft]

Unfortunately, this thread got wildly off-track and devolved into unproductive arguing and personal insults so it had to be closed. I apologize that we weren't here to intervene earlier to all the people who were involved and reported the discretions that ocurred. Thank you to those who reported what was going on and tried to bring it to the attention of the moderators- this is exactly what we ask people to do. If someone is violating the forum guidelines, please do not engage them but just notify the moderators and administrators so that it can be dealt with appropriately and as soon as possible.

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