Thank you so much for understanding and also I’m sorry that you do too if that makes sense.
I would have thanked you yesterday when I saw this but I was
That trauma session was intense, so intense I was not able to sleep for a night or so. I don’t know if I should write this because it’s vulnerable … but maybe will help me (or hell someone else that for some reason reads this one day) … but we did trauma processing, & ‘parts’ work.
I will explain a little. She has me doing breath work and close my eyes. Then we ‘talk’. She asks me a question about something that happen, what I did to survive, how I felt & what I was thinking. The may be confusing and I’m still like (nervous system electrically charged/exhausted trying to word and piece this together best I can).
Example … the part of me that’s REALLY hard on myself. The thoughts of/like “Bitch get your shit together! What the fuck are you doing, let’s go! Ect.” She then asks where how this part of me has ‘helped’ me in the past or still to today. I answer I guess to help me survive, help me keep going and going, helped me survive escape. One part I’m talking about after I escaped (won’t get into more, I can’t … just trying to piece together and give context with what I’m saying … as my chest starts to tighten and I started breathing too heavy when I went to explain escape which instance). *Whew okay I need a minute to breathe.
Okay, anyways we stop. My eyes still closed. She asks me to breath and tell her where in my body I feel that internal voice, what parts of my body I feel when I picture that internal voice. Then asks me if we can put a name to that ‘part’. Okay … I say I guess Monique and she is writing down this name. I tell her the truth that this part fucks with me, not sure I like or scares me in the sense that I would Never speak to another person like in this way that I speak to myself. I would never tell someone “Bitch, stop fucking around, get over it, get your shit together, let’s go!” I really wouldn’t .. if someone was ever suffering tell someone that, so why would I talk to myself this way? She explains that she thinks that part of me is or had to be my protector. Okay? ‘Geez this shit sounds nuts huh.’ She tells me that she’s going to keep a log of these parts and names and we are going to over our sessions work with parts.
…. I know, what the fuck right? This may sound crazy but I’m trying my best explain & to be honest here. (She also tells me this is important trauma processing work and even if it feels strange trust the process). Okay
So …. Next. Breathe and ask me about other parts that are separate from that. Okay, fears. Telling her this part of me that has these fears. I don’t think I can go into this more right now in explaining the fear thoughts .. the scared. Okay anyways she says what does this part feel like? I’m honest … “It feels like a scared little girl, hiding and balled up, ect. So same process, breathe, feel what you feel in your body right now, ect. Then asks me what should we name this part. I give a name and she writes it down.
Now there was one other part we did in this session, I won’t get into details.
Now we go further and she has me do these more deep breathes. Guided meditation about picture walking somewhere that gives you peace. Picture you are walking with all these parts down this trail. Now stop, look at these parts and thank them for protecting you. Turn forward and keep walking and couple steps but with them staying those steps behind you. Now that you are on this trail and a few steps forward from these parts. With them behind you walk another step forward. What do you feel? Where do you feel this in your body?
I’m going to stop now. Okay. We will make an appointment for two weeks. “Okay” I say & I leave.
Later that night after this appointment …. Oh my gosh is all I can say. I absolutely could not sleep. I felt wired and anxious and exhausted all at the same time. I kept just zoning and listening to music. At this point my body in certain places is pretty physically painful (I have chronic pain from all the injuries, ect. .. but this is different). All throughout the night this is mostly what I’m feeling mixed with flashbacks of some of the stuff we were talking about … escaping, ect.
Finally the next day I tell myself I HAVE to try to make myself sleep. When I finally do it’s crazy interrupted sleep. I kept having night terrors. I also kept having the part where I would feel pain in certain points of my body. I would have a night terror, flashback and then straight to sitting in that session where she (trauma therapist) asks “Where do you feel this in your body?” Then wake up in cold sweats and gasping for air holding that part of my body.
Okay I think I’ll close here for now. I know this may sound insane, I may sound insane but I want to be very honest. I want to do the work and write this somewhere … the full honest experience of someone with severe PTSD. I want to try. I want to heal. Im scared … I'm trying. Bitch get your shit together.
for your strength, tenacity and commitment. I know it's not easy and hope we all find a better way forward.
Please be gentle.