So I already wrote this in a Dark Side thread but figured I’d make it a post. I don’t why. I’m struggling maybe this is my fd up way of reaching out for support. Or maybe if anything me writing this can help another person.
TRIGGER WARNING
I just tried to talk to my mom, I again just got talked over and told everything that’s wrong with me. This woman can be so cold. She started to ask me why I never ask for help. I should have not even tried to answer. The minute I even brought up a couple reasons she started screaming at me that I always ‘bring up the past’. Anything weather it’s an answer to a question directed at me about something that happened years ago, all the way to 15 mins ago is ‘the past’.
The crazy part is she knows a lot that happened to me but refuses to talk about it. Anything from trafficking, to being beaten, to murder attempts, stalking, ect is not to be discussed. Okay then, I deal with it on my own … yet am told that I never ask for help because I’m too prideful and won’t accept love. Is she kidding me? She was extremely abusive when I was little … my dad was insane, on drugs and involved in … organizations. My childhood if you can call it that was fd up. When my mom decided to leave my brother was little and I was 12. I had to raise and take care of him like I was his mother. We lived with my dad who was crazy and really really deep in his addiction and gang life. He would disappear for days and when he would come home sometimes he was so fucked up and sometimes with other people that were fucked up. I went through horrible shit that no one should go through, while trying to take care of my little brother and protect him from my dad and … just everything.
When my mom was gone all she cared about was her boyfriends, money, trips and herself and her problems. The couple times I did try to reach out to her I was screamed at, ignored or told ‘I don’t know what to tell ya’.
So much more but fast forward when I finally escaped my ex when he tried to murder me. It was one of the worst nights of my life, I was beaten for hours. He knew I was trying to leave and told me he was going to kill me. I’ll never forget him looking me in the eye when he was on top of me and told me “You’re going to die tonight. So much fucked up shit happened .. I won’t even get too into it. The way I got away was when he grabbed me and threw me in the bathtub .. he was going to drown me. I tried to jump up and run out but he threw me back in. He then put his foot on my chest and started filling it up with water, my head was under the faucet and water started going in my mouth and up my nose. I kept trying to move my head over and get up and he kept pushing me back down under the water. My head kept hitting the faucet really bad on the way up and back down. Out of no where his phone started ringing, it was like 3am … and for some reason he looked like he froze or got nervous about the phone ringing. In that moment when I saw him stop and look over the phone I jumped up and jumped out of the tub. He tried to grab my arm but because it was soaking wet my arm slipped out and I ran to the door. For some reason the door was unlocked and I burst through it … he was literally right behind me. He tried to grab my arm again but just missed it. When I made it out the door I ran faster than I’ve ever ran in my life. I was completely naked and bloody and bruised all over. I just kept running block after block after block until I couldn’t run anymore and then turned around and he was gone. I hid in a bush and had no clue what I was going to do … I was in shock and I was naked … but it was my only chance to get out so you got to do what you got to do to survive. I said fuck it and ran up to this persons house and knocked on the door, I was so … I don’t even know. No one answered the door so I actually opened it and went in (I have no idea why that door was open till this day, and still can’t believe I went in those people’s house while they were sleeping). I had no idea what I was doing I was in total shock and survival mode. I went into these people’s living room and there were a few blankets on the couch, I grabbed one and wrapped it around myself and left the house.
I had no idea what I was going to do, so I walked block after block like this. It was still kind of dark out but still. I decided to try to get all the way over to my mom’s boyfriend’s house because he lived kind of close to there. I finally made it there around 5:30 in the morning and my mom was there. When she saw me she started screaming at me saying “What did you do! What happened?” I told her as much as I could but literally just put my jaw back in place during all this and was so beaten and had torn ligaments and fractured bones, and felt like I was going to pass out. Her boyfriend was at work, and she started yelling at me that I couldn’t stay there. I didn’t even ask her if I could stay there, I was literally just in shock. She gave me some clothes and told me again that I couldn’t stay there and to ‘not ruin this for her’. That guys house that she was living at had a lot of money and took care of her, took her on tons of trips, bought her tons of jewelry ect. … so that was what she was referring to when she said don’t ruin this for me.
Anyways, so she gave me some clothes and told me she had to go to work so where was she going to take me, where could I go. I told her I didn’t know where to go at that moment. She was angry and said fine that she would take me to my grandmothers house and drop me off there on her way to work … but that I was inconveniencing her. She was so angry with me and I’ll never really understand why. I was so in shock and in so much pain and that I was kind of …. I don’t know the words … shellshocked? She dropped me off at my grandmothers house and told me that I was going to upset my grandmother. I felt bad and didn’t want to upset her. So I slept in her downstairs for a little bit … I was so broken, exhausted, couldn’t remember the last time I slept ect. So I slept a couple hours and then got up and left her house. I called my friend from her house and she picked me up. I went to my friends house and apparently my ex and his cousin (who’s a really scary guy that you just don’t mess with) already called her house and asked where I was. I didn’t want to get my friend involved. She gave me some money for a couple days at a motel … where I could try my best to hide out and lick my wounds so to speak … but my injuries were BAD. Those days and nights in that motel were bad … I can’t even describe it.
My ex at that point was determined to stalk me, finish the job and keep me quiet. For the next couple months I just kept switching and going to different hotels and motels and doing whatever I had to do to get the money to do so. There is one person that helped me out, won’t go into much detail but he gave me some money and drugs and told me to get the hell out of the area and use the money for rooms and to flip the drugs to survive. There’s so much more but I’m going to stop here. I can’t believe even wrote this much and can’t believe how much I left out. I don’t even know why I’m writing it here but I am. I’m going through it and haven’t been attending PTSD groups and the women’s center is under construction. Plus I’ve been kind of isolating a bit and need to stop it.
So anyways, suffice to say when I talked to my mom this morning and got yelled at that I don’t ask for help and told about all the mistakes I’ve made, addiction ect. … I don’t know I started getting really upset and it’s clearly much more than just being told ‘I don’t accept help or let love in’. I know I isolate and push people away but damn.
I’m right here with you amiga, gosh yea. I hope that the Spring will bring some good things to some of us.
