Psychedelics and Social Alienation

[Headspace]

This post is in two sections, if TL;DR applies please skip to 2nd section


Trip report

Over the past couple of months I have tried a number of psychedelic substances for the first time. Now I am concerned with the unsettling sensation that the person that I was before taking said substances is dead, and that I, the new version of me has replaced him. Substances I have taken have been LSD, mushrooms, mdma and weed. I will try and sum up how these substances have affected me.

When I settled into my 1st trip (mushrooms and cannabis) I suddenly felt as if I could see every single motivation, desire and incentive in my life from a 3rd party. However the more I examined what I could now percieve the more I became filled with a sense of dread. This feeling started to take hold of me until I became uneasy. This sense manifested itself as what I can only describe as a massive sense of disillusionment. I literally felt various socially constructed truths become detached from their emotional connotations, those concepts that I had previous assumed to be objective immediately appeared clearly subjective. Once this was over I did start to enjoy the trip again but highly introspectively. It was at this time I started to feel as if the drug was undoing 21 years of social conditioning, and this slightly scared me.

Next trip was using mdma. When this substance eventually did effect me it was like nothing I have ever experienced before, I was overwhelmed by the waves of pure joy and happiness. Nothing in my life had ever felt this good, it had no dark edges it was just pure light. Mentally this experience threw me off even more however, when I came down my brain simply couldn't understand how this sensation was not connected to what it attempts to percieve as objective reality.

The last trip I did was using LSD and MDMA (slightly too high dosage). Although I am only partially aware of the trip, I can only describe this trip as complete loss of my self. I don't know if I even mentally existed at the time. When I came back I felt as if the effects of the previous two trips were even further reinforced.



Question

Due to psychedelics I now see everything differently, politics, religion, relationships, sexuality. Although I have got over the initial shock this is causing all kinds of problems. I feel as if I lack the killer instinct at work, my work rewards those who are always looking for the edge, I just don't seem to care about it enough anymore, I am no longer extrinsically motivated enough. I also no longer like some of my friends, they are so overly masculine and tied into a game of oneupmanship. People in my close friends and family have described me as difficult to read recently. I feel myself as if I lack normal emotional and social responses, I too find it harder to read people. I have not taken any substances for weeks, I feel completely normal, except I am a different person.

In a way I do feel positivity about experiencing psychedelics. Going back to me before would feel like going back into a more false reality. However I now am finding it harder to function in society. The feelings of guilt and shame, the fevours of religion and patriotism, the reckless assumptions about the natures of people and reality society has forced upon us are all gone, however without them just living a normal life seems difficult. Where do I go from here? Its all well to feel enlightened, but at the cost of detachment from the popular social mentality? A mentality that must be interpreted everyday in order achieve ones goals? One which percieves all drug users as indiscriminate scum? Can any experienced bluelighter offer advice in regards to the social alienation that has resulted from my psychedelic exploration?

 

[Propyl Power]

Congratulations, you are alienated from an egocentric, infantile, delusional society with a deathwish for both itself and the planet on which it spreads like a cancer. Why is this a problem for you again?

No, you're not the same person you were before. That's what makes psychedelics useful, they are catalysts for personal growth and evolution.

You're feeling some shock because the veil has been (partially) removed from your eyes, and likely want things to go back to being safe, comfortable, and orderly like they used to be. Well they aren't. The world is infinitely complex, subtle, bizarre, and groundless. And that's wonderful, because now you can get down to the business of actually living your life instead of suppressing your soul for an industrialized police state for which you are nothing more than grist for the mill.

Maybe you need to find some better goals, that are more fulfilling and true to yourself.

Also if you can find some other psychedelically illuminated people, maybe you won't feel so alienated

 

[Xorkoth]

Your choice of user name is ironic, because I was going to say to you that it's all about your headspace. Personally, drugs used to make me feel alienated. As you said, they tore down my previous illusions of social order and made me feel very self-conscious. While I am forever grateful for my experiences because they showed me the truth, they also made things difficult in some respects, especially right afterwards.

Over time, I rebuilt my sense of who I was, and found out that the real reason I felt self-conscious and alienated was usually because I was feeling that way about myself... perhaps insecure about my new position, perhaps wishing I could just be ignorant again. I worked on feeling confident in my own position, and I discovered that the most important part of social interaction is to be as open as possible and to say what I really mean and let people know how I feel. And of course to listen to others even if I don't understand right away or agree. I found that by doing this, I create an environment around me where people seem to want to do the same.

It took me quite a while to develop this. My first trip, which totally changed my life and perceptions, was just about 7 years ago now, and it's only in the past few years that I've been able to figure out how to be totally (almost totally) comfortable with who I've become and my new perception of the world.

It's important, I find, to look for the good in the world and particularly in other people. It's easy to get dragged down by the horrible and/or infantile behavior of the average person, but there is a lot of good, too, and most people at least want to be good, and honest, but maybe just don't know how. By providing an example of how, you help to bring it out of others. And anyway, if you dwell on the negative, it's going to be hard to ever relate to anyone.

It's all in your Headspace.

 

[psood0nym]

Don't worry about being permanently de-patterned. A normal person needs to stick to a fairly regular regimen of psychedelics to maintain the sense of self you've been experiencing.

It may seem like the experiences have been so powerful that you can never go back to the way you were before. On an intellectual level, that may be true. Whatever lessons from the experiences you can articulate to yourself now you will likely remember--but you won't go on feeling them intuitively at anywhere near the same level if you stop for long.

There's a widespread idea out there that "once you get the message you should hang up the phone." Though quitting may nevertheless be a good idea, I think for most mentally healthy people the implications of this concept are nonsense. Our minds fall back into old patterns far too easily. The psychedelic pathways are narrow and densely forked; they become overgrown quickly because they're difficult to tread and follow. It sounds like you've used quite a few substances recently, and so for you those paths are freshly trodden. The fact that it was your first time with many of the drugs means at the moment their swath is especially wide. Rest assured though, over a few more weeks or months of walking the old paths you will forget why it was you felt the way you do now.

This is because so much of the psychedelic mind state is implicitly, and *almost * exclusively, entrained by the experience itself rather than the "lessons" of the experience. Its impacts are non-conscious. Its "message" isn't something that you can stick to the fridge on a Post-it note in order to preserve its impact on your life. The patterns are too complex and wobbly to simply get back on that bike and coast it into the future, it doesn't have a natural foundation to fall back on like somethings do--it's more like a unicycle, i.e. you use it or you lose it. This isn't to say that a few psychedelic experiences can't impact your life substantially, especially if you make lifestyle changes in accordance with them, just that in most cases the brunt of the impact is lost in cessation.

I believe the largest impact of psychedelic drugs on my own mind has probably been on cognitive and emotional set points and on ramifications of mental pathways that I'm not even aware of. Their impact has to do with the way something strikes me without thinking about it, or on an impression I'm left with that tacitly guides my analysis of some situation--innumerable small effects that accumulate in their consequence. If I stopped I would be a different person, the old person, and so would you (well, I guess in my case, since I've been using every month or so for nearly 10 years, I'd be a new person.)


EDIT: As Xorkoth alluded to, you can also re-learn sociality and other associated ways of feeling from within the psychedelic perspective, it just takes some time.

 

[ikkyu]

Congratulations, you are alienated from an egocentric, infantile, delusional society with a deathwish for both itself and the planet on which it spreads like a cancer. Why is this a problem for you again?

I can empathize with the OP because this has been a problem for me as well at some points. I mean, overall these insights are Good Things in my mind but the problem is that it can be awfully lonely having these radically new and different sets of values because few people seem to hold them to the extent that they allow these values to change their ways of living in a meaningful way.

What has worked for me though (socially at least) is to give people the benefit of the doubt and not hold everyone to unreasonably high expectations. You can still learn to enjoy the company of your friends even if they have significantly different priorities in social interactions and life in general. What's most important here is keeping an open mind, reveling in the fact that there are so many perspectives and world views radically different from yours, and cultivating positivity because that is what will allow for the most growth in the end, both for you and the people you interact with.

Also, the world might seem like a vast terrain of uncertainty after getting your mind blown wide open the first few times, but time will allow you to reset yourself and begin to feel a little more concrete again. And as far as the injustices of society at large are concerned, it's up to you to develop thick skin so as not to let it destroy you, but not skin so thick that you become apathetic. Channel your energy into some way in which you'd like to change the world, but don't exhaust yourself or become too discouraged if/when it doesn't appear to. Everything does make some difference, even if it isn't immediately apparent.

Finally, though it may be easier said than done, it does help immensely not to over-think these things and just go with the flow. These matters are too heavy to be taken too seriously. Best of luck to you.

 

[PsychedelicDoctor]

I'm curious how often you trip? I have noticed that if i don't space out my trips enough, I become very socially analytical, hypersensitive to social cues and facial expressions. Interactions become more exhausting, balancing so many emotional states with my own.

I don't know if you smoke pot chronically but if you do, give it a rest and see what it does for your "killer instinct". The increased mental clarity should help. I know it has for me.

 

[Roger&Me]

^Excellent point. I've found that psychedelics can really increase my motivation, especially in schooling/career-wise (maybe its just because I'm doing what I love)...but its the pot that really zaps the motivation straight out of me and makes social interaction strange. I have more to add on this subject and probably will later when I have some time.

 

[malakaix]

It's like your reading my own mind Headspace.

I've been feeling the exact same thing about social and emotional interaction within society. I even came too a point within my trip where.. i couldn't talk too anyone, i wanted too.. but my mind was blocking out everything they said.. to the point where i accepted i must just be a loner within this world.

Even days following this trip, people would say things.. i would hear them, but i just couldn't absorb it so i couldnt understand it.

This said i have been tripping almost every weekend for a few months, and i've probably just reached that point where.. i've disconnected myself entirely from society. I'll probably be taking a long break from it. As wonderful as it is, it just makes certain aspects of my life increasingly difficult that i cant ignore.

 

[RhythmSpring]

psood0nym, please write a book. I've been waiting to hear something like this for a while...

" This is because so much of the psychedelic mind state is implicitly, and *almost * exclusively, entrained by the experience itself rather than the "lessons" of the experience. Its impacts are non-conscious. Its "message" isn't something that you can stick to the fridge on a Post-it note in order to preserve its impact on your life. The patterns are too complex and wobbly to simply get back on that bike and coast it into the future, it doesn't have a natural foundation to fall back on like somethings do--it's more like a unicycle, i.e. you use it or you lose it. This isn't to say that a few psychedelic experiences can't impact your life substantially, especially if you make lifestyle changes in accordance with them, just that in most cases the brunt of the impact is lost in cessation. "

...Brilliant! It's so true! I've been needing to hear this...

Skatardude10:

" I find I work best, most smoothly in social situations when I don't hold any ideas or feelings in particular about anyone or anything, when everything is completely up in the air in a sense about the world around me, as it all is up in the air anyways and we are the one's to chart the territory around us. In many ways it's just like acting oblivious in a way, but allowing and happy... I can't exactly get the right words there, maybe someone else can help me out. It's really just getting into the flow, but knowing your aims and who you are... "

I think you got the right words. This is a practice I've been cultivating for a while now... it's very much psychedelic/mdma-inspired. It's like holding a mantra of "I don't know" as a means of keeping your eyes and mind open. Everything is up in the air.

 

[spaceyourbass]

Headspace, I would suggest not doing any more psychedelics. It seems like you want to be the sharp person you were before you tripped. You should be able to gain that state back over time, and hopefully you'll eventually be your happy old social, hard working self. I hope that the pyschedelics did not bring up some social disorder that was festering...or maybe it's better that it came up now so you can deal with it. Psychedelics are great for some people. Others, not so much. I don't want to scare you though. Time should heal you right up.

 

[RhythmSpring]

^ ^
The red pill? Or the blue pill? The choice is yours...

 

[spaceyourbass]

Some find pleasure in knowing all there is to know, some find pleasure in more concrete things. This is not The Matrix lol

 

[psood0nym]

psood0nym, please write a book. ... It's so true! I've been needing to hear this...

... Ut oh, am I being an enabler? (insert winking emoticon).

I think what I posted is essentially true about moderate use of psychedelics (I'm a once a month person, and I think that counts). That said, the "I got the message so I hung up the phone" rationalization people use to help them quit has probably helped more people than not. Some people just don't see net gains from psychedelics use or can't quit a drug habit without quitting all drugs, and by quitting they aren't losing much. I do however think it's a mistake for someone whose intellectual and spiritual life is greatly enhanced by psychedelics to stop use because they're "getting to old for it." The 2006 John Hopkins psilocybin study that showed such powerful benefits had participants with a mean age in the 50s! Psychedelics are a unique class of drug where it seems the older and more mature you get the greater and longer lasting the potential reward becomes. There's not a point when you've wrung out all their goodness and now you can store it away. You may never learn much more from your experiences, but most people either need to continue using or make radical lifestyle changes simply to maintain what they've attained with psychedelics. It's purely speculative, but I'm guessing you can't keep your mind conditioned at a level where the very strongest benefits of psychedelic use are experienced without "practicing" at least three or four times a year, and that's conservative. In a very real sense, tripping is a kind of physical exercise. Careful not to pump up so much you smooth out your brain wrinkles though.

 

[spaceyourbass]

If we are in The Matrix, I find it odd that the Wach brothers had to steal the screenplay from a black woman.

 

[RhythmSpring]

Some find pleasure in knowing all there is to know, some find pleasure in more concrete things. This is not The Matrix lol

Are you suggesting that "more concrete things" is something separate from "all there is to know"?

 

[PepperSocks]

Headspace, You've just started a long, difficult, uplifting, liberating journey, and once you start it's not so easy to go back. I had my first trip 5 years ago, and over time my friendships just slowly melted away, I am alienated but I am just starting to re-construct my social identity like Xorkoth's experience.

There were times where I thought "If i stop tripping I can go back" and i would try, I would try to be normal, but once you've seen the light you can't ignore it. I would get a profound drive to trip again that I decided I wouldn't and couldn't suppress anymore. So congrats you've embarked on what will likely be the most beneficial path of you're life. The first phase was bliss, feeling free from the previous state of bondage. The second stage was alienation, realizing that i didn't connect with anyone anymore, i lost my friends, it's lonely. The third stage is discovering your new social self. Becoming comfortable with the "new you". This seems to come only with time, you can't try to speed this one up, just ride it out, you'll make it. I'm just at the transition between 2 and 3, and it's a great lift off the shoulders, but it took 5 years of heavy social anxiety/social disconnection. These are the challenges that will make you a better person, the "hero's test".

The timeframes are different for every person, I'm just communicating my journey. You're in for a one hell of an adventure and in the end you wouldn't have it any other way

 

[RhythmSpring]

... Ut oh, am I being an enabler? (insert winking emoticon).

Wait, no, you're not being an enabler. Stop that winking! I said stop it!
I was referring to the wisdom touched upon when you said that what is to be gained from psychedelics is more of a conditioning from the experience rather than a distinct message. Also, the metaphor about the unicycle also resonated with me. Also, the pertinence of lifestyle changes following a psychedelic experience.

I've been needing to hear it because I've been sort of on a zen track letting go of "messages" altogether, and the going needed some encouragement. (Mind you, I'm listening to the messages, but I'm not holding on to them as any sort of answer.)

Besides, I'm already enabled

 

[spaceyourbass]

Are you suggesting that "more concrete things" is something separate from "all there is to know"?

I was suggesting that some people are made happy from introspection and accumulation of knowledge, while others are happy if they are good socially, good at their job, have a nice car or house that makes them comfortable, etc. There's no reason one can't do both, just saying. The OP seems to be saying that he was a happier, healthier person before he took his trips.

 

[PepperSocks]

I was suggesting that some people are made happy from introspection and accumulation of knowledge, while others are happy if they are good socially, good at their job, have a nice car or house that makes them comfortable, etc. There's no reason one can't do both, just saying. The OP seems to be saying that he was a happier, healthier person before he took his trips.

I was too in a superficial way. But the desire for something more, chasing "something" brought me to psychedelics. Once i tripped there was no going back, sure i had more fun before the trips, but the trips showed me a higher level of life that i couldn't ignore. There were times when i felt alienated where i wished i could go back and tried...all in futility, the desire for more and the desire to trip returned, which couldn't and wouldn't be suppressed anymore. It's like trying to make a river flow the other way, it's a one way journey, the only place to go is further.

Going back to me before would feel like going back into a more false reality.

And the alienation and shitty effects of tripping is just the transition state, once you become more comfortable with the "new you" your social connection returns, see my above post for a better description.

 

[malakaix]

Headspace, You've just started a long, difficult, uplifting, liberating journey, and once you start it's not so easy to go back. I had my first trip 5 years ago, and over time my friendships just slowly melted away, I am alienated but I am just starting to re-construct my social identity like Xorkoth's experience.

There were times where I thought "If i stop tripping I can go back" and i would try, I would try to be normal, but once you've seen the light you can't ignore it. I would get a profound drive to trip again that I decided I wouldn't and couldn't suppress anymore. So congrats you've embarked on what will likely be the most beneficial path of you're life. The first phase was bliss, feeling free from the previous state of bondage. The second stage was alienation, realizing that i didn't connect with anyone anymore, i lost my friends, it's lonely. The third stage is discovering your new social self. Becoming comfortable with the "new you". This seems to come only with time, you can't try to speed this one up, just ride it out, you'll make it. I'm just at the transition between 2 and 3, and it's a great lift off the shoulders, but it took 5 years of heavy social anxiety/social disconnection. These are the challenges that will make you a better person, the "hero's test".

The timeframes are different for every person, I'm just communicating my journey. You're in for a one hell of an adventure and in the end you wouldn't have it any other way

Im very happy to read this, and to know other people have gone through the same similar experience.

Few days ago i tripped so hard that i believe from your knowledge of understanding.. i've just reached stage 2.. i felt so alienated, a loner.. i felt like i'll never beable to interact with people.. but. Thinking about what you said and where im at now.. it seems i've reached a point of been a 'new' person and i just have to build from that over time.