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Propose three questions that help you determine whether your SO is your "true" love.

Psyduck

Psyduck

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Joined
Feb 24, 2008
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672
Propose three questions that help you determine whether your SO is your "true" love.

Propose three (or more) questions that help you determine whether your SO is your "true" love.
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I am seeing a girl. She is a visiting student who lives in an other country. She was only here for one year. In 3 months we have to "separate" again. I care deeply about her. She's really important to me. Yet, I have trouble figuring out my feelings and make important life-choices based on these feelings.

I am not sure I am "IN LOVE," I only know that I care deeply about her. I cannot imagine going for someone else. Yet, I cannot commit to make life-changing choices (i.e. moving to other country).

Maybe the "the One" is an idealized romantic abstraction which does not exist in reality, which is the reason why my feelings don't tell me she is "the One." Yet, I cannot think of anyone else who is more important to me. Maybe there is no Absolutized version of Love, but only this earthly limited version of Love.

Can you folks help me determine the nature of my feelings by proposing some questions (and answer them for yourself also).
 
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I was suppose to study abroad in Japan (live with my family and really LEARN the language) for a year.. it's been in the plans since forever. I met my boyfriend and just the THOUGHT of moving for a year would bring me to tears. Maybe I'm sensitive but, I couldn't even imagine .. like a month without him. I tried to get him a working visa but it's hard to get visas and stuff you know. I'm a citizen so I was like, maybe if we married.. but you see? That's so crazy. I'm only 22! That's how you know you're in love.

Some people can do the long distance thing and are very successfully. I personally couldn't. FYI, my boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years and living for 1.5 years. We moved in after 6 months.. I was 20 and he was 28.
 
Psyduck said:
I cannot imagine going for someone else. Yet, I cannot commit to make life-changing choices (i.e. moving to other country).
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this is quite poignant,

the thing is if you cannot commit to moving another country now, then its not very likely you will want to commit in the future.
also you can't imagine going for someone else, but this is likely to pass with time, ime.

:. what is your heart telling you to do now (of course take in to consideration how much you think this girl likes you as well, also how well do you know her?)
if you chose not to follow her is it going to ruin your life, if so, then having weighed up the pros and cons, there is not much keeping you here
you seem to have more doubts than goals about moving to another country for a girl you have known 9 months

i guess its safer to not go... however my brain tells me that we have multiple soulmates throughout our lives but my heart says its not going to happen again
 
Psyduck, I think this is a very tricky question. I personally think that the concept of "true" love has been distorted so much that we cannot recognize it anymore because we have a notion that it is like some Hollywood movie.

I will give you my personal story....I have been with my husband now for about 15 years. I have no doubt that he is my life partner for many reasons. We have been married for ten years and dated for five years before that. I felt very much the same way you did while we were dating....I would have been very hesitant to move my life around for him, I just wasn't "sure"

What made me sure? I had an accident and had to have surgery on my left ankle. He took care of me....he lifted me in and out of the bathtub, he painted my toenails, he made sure he packed me a cooler full of drinks and food before he left for work each morning....I realized that he had my back, and that made me trust in the fact that he would be a good partner in life.

I love him. I am in love with him. But only sometimes do I get that fiery hot feeling towards him, I think that this is infatuation, and infatuation waxes and wanes over time. I think a lot of folks get this feeling of infatuation mixed up with "true" love.

Do I believe that my husband is the only man out there that I could ever love? No. I am quite sure that I could be equally as happy with someone else. However, I picked my husband to be the one, so he is and that is it.

If I were you, I would stay with this girl and see where it goes. She might even go back to her country....I would let her and see if the distance clarifies things....you may end up missing her so much it hurts, or you may cool your feelings towards her but you will probably get some clarity.

I think what you are feeling is 100% normal. You seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders. Just try not to overthink it and let the relationship play out naturally. You dont have to make any big decisions right now.
 
In no particular order:

Do you accepts me for who I ams?

Do you not wish to mold or control me?

Do you enjoys long tickle me elmo belly bustin laugh sessions?
 
I don't know.

Suppose the scenario happens where we separate. I will be upset about it at first and will be in pain. But eventually I will heal, move on, regenerate myself and be stronger than ever. I consider myself self-sufficient and strong enough in life. But does that mean I should never commit seriously to someone -- ever?

I suspect that there will never be a person in my life for which I can have lingering regrets and pain for the rest of my life. Maybe I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe such a person is non-existent. I don't know what kind of relationship is "properly required" before one ought to make long-term life-changing decisions for another person.
 
Noodle said:
Do you enjoys long tickle me elmo belly bustin laugh sessions?
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:D

Psyduck said:
I don't know.

Suppose the scenario happens where we separate. I will be upset about it at first and will be in pain. But eventually I will heal, move on, regenerate myself and be stronger than ever. I consider myself self-sufficient and strong enough in life. But does that mean I should never commit seriously to someone -- ever?
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No, I don't think so.

I suspect that there will never be a person in my life for which I can have lingering regrets and pain for the rest of my life. Maybe I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe such a person is non-existent.
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But you say that like it's a bad thing! It's a great thing. You're self-sufficient and don't rely on people to be happy - that's very different from being unable to be happy with people. It's not because you're capable of happiness on your own that you may not be capable of happiness (perhaps even more happiness) with someone else.

I think you're overthinking it really. It sounds so cliché, but love isn't rational. I don't think there are any questions or tests one can answer/pass to irrevocably determine if they're ready to settle down with another person. All you need to know is whether you're happier with that person than you would be on your own and whether you can see that happiness continuing forever. I don't think anything really matters outside of that.
Of course that takes into account many factors which are all subjective really - does that person allow you to grow, do they help you fulfill your dreams, do you ultimately always look forward to being with them, whatever - but I think it's the main gist of it.
 
i agree with pagey (who has expressed everything i feel, although more eloquently).

to answer the op though the three most important questions in your mind to ask yourself are:

1. am i in love with this person and would do anything to cement that? (to which you already answered no)
2. am i prepared to migrate to another country to keep our love continuing if necessary? (see above)
3. am i ready for this level of personal commitment? (to which you are already questioning yourself and seeking the magical right answer from others)

sadly, nothing i or anyone can say will be helpful in you establishing the answers to these questions yourself.

good luck op <3

...kytnism...:|
 
i would look for beneficial things to do in the other country if i was going to go there

you could just move to a place to be with someone but you need to have another reason as well/good opportunities for yourself otherwise the move will be focused on your relationship which although good is a lot of pressure if you have no other reason to be there. what i'm saying is find a secondary reason to go and then it will take the weight off your decision
 
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