Harm Reduction Progress Mega Thread

[SubDude]

fucking ruined. just don;t care anymore. thats fucking prgress for you,

Hang in there man... God knows it's hard coming off MMT. The worst IMO. I've done it... both with and without success. Do whatever it takes to get what you need to get past that horrible feeling. If you're not getting sleep and have no refill ready... use your creativity... there is a way out and if it must be an opiate... so be it. You know people care here and seek out those you know locally. This probably isn't a problem for you... but I remember swallowing my pride and sobbing while I asked my sister and friends for help getting me thru.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

@Capt H: Yes i know about the DUI and i'm convinced it was a lesson, as i do believe in signs life gives us and that everything happens for a reason, we just have to be receptive and learn from them. It wouldn't have been the same lesson if i had been bailed out that same night, but i spent those few nights in jail so i can see for myself that this could very much be my future if i continued to play with fire, imagine if i was caught with H for example!!!!! Damn!!!
Glad to hear you're well and busy. Hope your arm is better. Thought of you many times those past few days with my 0.2 or 0.1 Sub doses (too hard to know at those microscopic levels)
Cheers

My arm is a lot better. You guys should have seen how horrible it looked. I didn't think it was going to heal as well as it has for a long while.

I am also no longer in severe pain. :D It's absolutely wonderful not to be held back by immense pain in life. I still have some pain so it's not 100% healed yet, and I doubt the scar will ever go away; it's four inches long. The inflammation is still present but probably at like 5% of what it was originally.

I am still skeptical of using my anti-inflammatory medication because of even worse side effects which would only bring me more pain.

Hang in there man... God knows it's hard coming off MMT. The worst IMO. I've done it... both with and without success. Do whatever it takes to get what you need to get past that horrible feeling. If you're not getting sleep and have no refill ready... use your creativity... there is a way out and if it must be an opiate... so be it. You know people care here and seek out those you know locally. This probably isn't a problem for you... but I remember swallowing my pride and sobbing while I asked my sister and friends for help getting me thru.

I believe methadone's effect as an NMDA antagonist is what causes its withdrawal to be so horrible.

For a short term taper, the WD's are probably not that bad compared to acute heroin withdrawal (and if they were then most people would probably go back to tapering with heroin)... but I think that people feel the need to be "comfortable" while on ORT. They are often not allowed relatively helpful medications like benzodiazepines for instance - for a variety of legitimate symptoms - so as to stay on MMT, so they end up taking a large amount of methadone. Then they will stay on it for a while.

I believe methadone is probably best used if you don't nod out, if you don't even feel high or even half way there, but just feel a reduction in withdrawal symptoms that is appreciable so that you aren't clinging to a toilet or doing the midnight break dancing in bed, but you can go about your day still having some WD symptoms but you feel so much better than if you had nothing.

I have never used methadone so I don't want to presume like I know this for real, but I think that the withdrawal will inevitably be worse for people who use MMT as an alternative for intoxication to heroin.

However, as long as you are responsible and can be productive in life (at least more productive than heroin addiction) - then it really is OK to use methadone in replacement of heroin. Even if you don't want to be on opiates at all, remember what an unstable life on heroin is like. Remember how far you've come.

 

[Been&Done]

Swallowing my pride had to take place in my life too, thinking about how long it took after that to really quit. I'll never forget my late 20's and that 1 specific day when my dad called me at work and asked me to pass by when done later, he went down and sat next to me in the car and asked me "What's going on with you? You're not the same, do you need help?" and maybe it was the 1st time in years that i don't deny and look surprised but i replied: "I just need to leave here for a while" without getting into too much details with someone like my father, who knew nothing about drugs, really, all his knowledge was from newspapers or stories......during our 15 mns conversation, i remember well that i haven't scored that day before or during work, i had to drive a little and hide in a nearby garden an pee 3 different times while he's trying to find out what's up with me and the poor guy didn't really see it strange!! My sons and/or daughters will never gonna be able to hide drugs or their effects from me (I hope) Of course, dropped him home and headed to my dealer who was about a 20 mile away drive. Maybe it was the 1st time to cry in years, H made me just going, doing a job i wasn't really into, a good but very demanding one, then i started to needing more "battery" to be able to just finish my long shift! Man it was a disaster!
Anyways, that drive in the car just made me realize that "FUCK! I'm addicted and i'm stuck!!" By that time, i have been already doing all kinds of other drugs without a main DOC, before really almost sticking to H religiously, so i was enjoying them all but also had my life going and was in control, i even graduated with a major and a double minor during those happy times.

Well, of course after that specific day many attempts and failures followed but it was actually the 1st step taken towards acknowledging that i had a problem, which was my 1st with drugs since i was, as i said, always in control but slowly kept loosing my grip while facing H.

Looking back to this post and how i started writing it with nothing in mind but "swallow my pride" posted by Subdude above, and look where the story took us, i guess this is the magical power of writing and while i share these thoughts i do feel better afterward, not sure if it's the "letting it out" part or it's a link between those thoughts, the wording, the explaining part and my inner emotions? I just know for a fact that i do feel better after posting on here and glad we do have such a place where we're able to just share our experiences and learn from others.

My latest mind idea occupying me these days is if i should find a Sub doc here and tell him or her about my NY doc and about my recent experience with Clonadine, and how i'm not gonna be able to get more Subutex before another few weeks and see what they suggest! I know for a fact that the whole concept of quitting subs has to be emanating from me and only me since i'm the only one who knows myself that well and only me knows well what i have been through and not expecting any Dr. to tell me "uh, i think u'd be better off without Subs starting the next 12 days!!" So, i'm more likely looking for a doc to share my history and story with and see what he/she has to say and then evaluate and decide myself. Maybe if i stay Bupes-free for a few weeks and im relatively ok with Clonadine and/or any other light aide (Librium?! Mood stabilizer?! Ha!) i wouldn't want to go back to them and i simply just won't go pick those 40 pills left in the U.S! Hmm, will see. I think i will anyways since i'm remembering now, the freakin' witch doc of mine made me pay 50$ "for the reception" as he likes to call it, to fax that Prx from N.Y to Buffalo, so i can cross the borders and go pick it up. He was claiming that it's sketchy and that he's doing me a favor here, and some more bullshit, and of course the biggest piece of crap of of them all: Subutex IS the problem and if it was Suboxone, it wasn't going to be that big!! Well mo fo!! You're the one who 1st prescribed me Subutex because Suboxone does get me headaches and i had that last experience with them a few month ago and i'm very sure about that. What kind of Dr. would charge his patient AGAIN to keep him on his medication he 1st prescribed it over 6 months earlier! Forget about this now...hmmm.

It's impossible to know how much Subs i'm taking now, since this 1 tiny line i'm doing could be from 0.1 to 0.25 mg, and that's a big difference at those tiny doses, maybe dilute and have it ready in an intra-nasal dispenser.

Hope everyone is doing well and looking at the brighter side of life, always


Capt H, happy you're pain free, i think i did tell you about my own scare, and the 6 nails and the metal plate i had for 1 year and then removed. I'm also like you , never tried methadone. It's one of a very few known drugs that i haven't tried till now since i never had access to it and when i finally decided to quit, Subs were around (Thank God) even with exotic stuff like Deadly Nightshade, Ayahuasca, Parkinol and a lot of Rohypnol (Flunitrazepam) which i had access to for over 12 years, on my methadone-less list. I was just bragging a little here by the way, yes i was... i'm still proud of how i really LIVED my life to the fullest and experimented with a lot and i also learned a great deal about life. But... i'm one lucky S.O.B so don't do like me

 

[caseface99]

^^ Every time i get on the computer i don't have time to read you're recent posts B&D, Definitely later tonight though.

As for me Im doing good, just working a lot but i can use the money. Did an OP for the first time the other day, I chewed up half and microwaved/snorted the other half. Got pretty high for the first time since i can remember and it definitely had positive results in terms of how i feel in general, less intense PAWS for sure from the bupe. Jogging is helping too.

 

[muvolution]

B&D - that's pretty much how it was for me. I'm an adult and shit, but I would see my parents and they wouldn't be ashamed or mad, they just wanted to know what was going on for the longest time.
I was pretty much miserable by the time I decided to get help - I basically just told my parents I had some problems with drugs and needed help. They understand how stubborn I am, so they just said that I had one chance to clean it the fuck up before they forced me to let them help. Luckily I have been able to hold it together, so they don't know what exactly i was up to, but they know I'm doing better which is enough.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Well I took a break from pills because I wanted to get my act together for senior year. I wasn't getting high on prescription pills every day anymore and for once I thought everything was getting better. Then I got my wisdom teeth out in february and that's when I started straying off my road to getting clean....I got that bottle of lortab and that was it. I was back to itching for some more pills so I could get high. It ended up one day I broke into my mothers room and was on my hands and knees crawling all over the floor looking for my mothers hydrocodone...I ended up finding it and taking some. Then I got back into benzos such as xanax and valium...more opiates again. And now today I'm going to my doctors later and thinking about playing off my anxiety more (even though it is bad) so I can get prescribed some benzos even if I have to be referred to a psychiatrist. This makes me angry/upset because I was doing so well... I even try to lie to myself saying oh this will not last. I've been dealing with this for two years and no one knows or even bothered to talk to me. I'm about to be leaving for college in fall (hopefully if I graduate) and then by then I know my drug use will be worst than ever. I even stole some percocets from my best friends mother on saturday....her mother has cancer and I can't believe I did that! They were an older bottle and she had another one but I still felt terrible. I withdrawled the following day because I had nothing and I slept till 5pm even though I went to bed early. I want to get help sometimes but then I tell myself I'm just worrying too much and this isn't bad. I also have too much pride to tell my mother.

 

[need some help]

Hey everybody! Little update: maintaining! i feel pretty even- keeled mood wise, with a final count of subs, gabapentin, and busporine. Its a lot of crap to have in your system, but hopefully someday i'll be able to get along without it. Phoned in an appointment with my ass-faced sub doctor due to a family emergency. Hilarious conversation. My parents were having a split up type situation after around 34 years of marriage and my mom was hitting her xanax HARD. A 30 year habit. She told me she might need to take mine because of a doctor issue, he found out she was drinking and taking them..... anyway i have a .5 milligram a day script and shes taking about 4 or 5 mg a day. i think she even got into mine without asking, but i'm not positive. i told my sub doc about it, just asking for advice and of course he told me i could go to jail blah blah blah. i told him i'm not watching my mom go through w/d and if jail is the consequence so be it. He then let me know that my time with xanax was coming to an end, but since he was such a nice guy (his words) he would give me more that month to make up for what she would need from me. Thats when it hit me that he really doesn't give a shit about me. He doesn't even prescribe the xanax, someone else does. i've been a patient there for 6 months. HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW THIS? i told him thanks, but i really was just looking for advice about how to handle my mom, and that if he gave me xanax i would get into some trouble, since i already get it from someone else. Silence at the other end of the line. Then, a hasty retreat, and letting me know we can push our visits from monthly to every two months now. HAHAHAHA. Shit head. i really am feeling great, my personality is returning, and i have a sense of wonder with regards to everyday life again. i'm nervous that the feeling of well-being will retreat at any moment, but it's been a solid 2 months since it began, and i'm really hoping its going to stay with me.
It took me a while to catch up after such a long b.l. break, but it sounds like everyone is pretty stable, hang in there all! Thanks for continuing to post, it means a lot to me to be allowed into your lives, and to know that there are others having similar experiences.......

 

[Pegasus]

^Awesome, great to hear! I really enjoyed the conversation you had with your doctor as well!

 

[Freesomehow]

Hm, haven't been making any posts since joining, so thought I would stop in and give my own progress report

Staying on the sub randomly, still having cravings for the h, and end up putting myself through these weird cycles every week. On/off, on/off, and even when I am on the sub, I find things go much easier but this is not a motivation for me to keep taking it as prescribed? It gives me a slight burst of energy that I have not previously had (having been on sub for maintenence 3x before) but once that wears off, I find myself wanting that rush. I take about 4 mg a day when I do take it, but am prescribed 32 mg (RIDICULOUS!). Maybe knowing that I have that as a backup plan when I am sick is why I keep doing the H.

I need some hobbies. School keeps my really busy, but I really do not enjoy it that much, as after 5 years I am just going through the motions. Any advice as to something I can ease into, or opinions on this semi-maintenance would be appreciated.

 

[muvolution]

If you read this or the Suboxone mega-thread, you will see that most people get the best effects at low doses for suboxone, from 2-4mg/ day, split up as needed. It sounds like it is just cravings at this point, so try to go really low with the subs and take them as far apart as possible (I can go 48 hrs, but everyone is different)
Also, exercise is just so key it's hard to explain.

Welcome to BL, how you keep doing well.

 

[Been&Done]

Ok......im here to share with you my 1st experience with Subs in Canada. I knew from before that Subutex is available but it's very hard to be prescribed and I knew i'm stuck here for a while so iv been tapering to 0.25 (probably) every 12-14 hours for the past 2 weeks. I started making calls and checking the walk in clinics around. The 1st one next to house is closed till Friday, so went to another one that closes at 3 on Wednesday while opens all other weekdays till 8 pm...It was 3:15, hm!! Took their nearest clinic's address and headed. Got there and it's bloody packed, wrote my name at reception and had to wait almost 2 hours! Some experts write their name and leave then come back after a while.

They finally called my name and i was seated in a smaller room behind and met a 40 yr old comfy-looking doctor and told him about my story and about my NY doc and how he wanted more money just to refill the prx. Also told him about my 0.2 doses and he thought i meant 2, i explained 0.2 mg and that this is my own tapering plan since i don't need to exchange my DOC with another. I also handed him the empty Subutex bottle i got with me.

To my surprise he wrote down 3 tabs of Buprenorphine 2mg (Always asked and researched and knew well that there is only Suboxone here, but what the hell, he is a doctor after all!) We both agreed that the 2 mg pills would be better in "knowing" or "cutting" my low doses. I was happy/shocked that i didn't even asked for the Clonidine and/or the Librium or even Tramadol that i will be needing when i actually do stop completely. After all, 6 mg wont last forever, if i do take 0.2 twice a day, then they will only be enough for 15 days, then what!?! Go back to him and quit? go back to him for refill? Go to Buffalo to pick up my Subutex?


I left the clinic tired and in a little daze, headed to 2 nearby pharmacies and they said they don't have it. Hmmm, called the clinic and told the nurse that i have a question for the Dr. i had just met concerning my medication and she said call back in 5 mns and when i did twice, i only got the answer machine. By that time i was already back to my area and tried the one there where i remember asking before, just out of curiosity and they were the 1st ones telling me about the Sub patches. Went in and the guy told me to wait 5-10 mns, i was still in disbelief that i was just holding my prx of Subutex in Canada, where i was told that i had to be pregnant to be able to get "Tex". Anyways, another younger guy came out and asked me if i used to get the Subutex from the US and i said yes, so he said because here we only have Suboxone which is Bupes + .... Yes Naloxone i said! He was a nice guy and i even told him about those nasty headaches i used to get from the naloxone and he said that usually he would have to call the doc to sort this out because he'll give me something different than the prx. To cut the story short, i went home with 3 tabs2mg white Suboxone with a prx of Subutex.

I was still wondering what happened as soon as i got home, called the pharmacist again and asked if only their pharma doesn't have Subutex or as i heard before in all of Canada? Plus, if that's the case how come today's doc prx Buprenorphine?! Just by looking at my empty US bottle and copying!!?!?! (I kept those last 2 questions to my twisted self) Well, he said if you get headaches as you say, then maybe you could try this pharma and he gave me the #, apparently they get powder buprenorphine from the US. I haven't called yet, still thinking about what to say to the Dr. i met today when i call him tomorrow, just to explain that i got Suboxone with his prx and now what!!??

A few questions in mind, could he be that naive to just write what he was reading on my empty bottle?! I was formally dressed and shaven and told him about how i beat my dependence and how i don't want to replace my DOC with Subs and how life is there to be enjoyed and he even said "it's looks like you got it all together and know what you want."
He was surprised about the dose and i think that automatically made him feel like he's dealing with a "good" responsible person. Later on i thought to myself, why such details?! Why not "i'm on 2 mg" and shut up! I know why, because when i said that, all i had in mind was the end of my taper and Clonadine and if i should say about the Librium at the lock up? And if i should mention Tramadol? Never, ever expected today to get Buprenorphine prx, even just 3 tabs! And i went home with Suboxone instead!! I'm still confused about this whole thing!!!

Tomorrow will be my 1st 0.2 dose from those white Suboxone, maybe it was the orange dye that i hated! Read an article in Psychology today about the mind and how it perceives the pills we take and how its relative to the effects of that pill and also how placebo play a big role. The color, the texture, the shape and the taste are all related to how our pills make us feel. I automatically remembered the orange 8 mg Subs and how i hated the color and the shape and how i did hate Suboxone and their nasty headaches. Well, will report about the differences and/or similarities if any. Good night

 

[Vaya]

Is this thread purely for those struggling with opiate/opioid addiction?

My question stems from the fact that I just scrolled through six pages of this wonderfully-intentioned thread and have yet to see one post about someone struggling with and updating about addictions to other drugs. It's absolutely okay with me if everyone would prefer the Progress Mega Thread remains exclusive to those dealing with opiate seduction/destruction, and it isn't as if I cannot relate - I've been able to stay opiate-free since December 10th from a 35-40 bag/day + whatever else I could get habit, and I am truly proud of myself, considering (as far as opiates go) that is the farthest I've *ever* let myself get out of control!!

I have long held strong tolerances (and addictions) to both pregabalin and benzodiazepines (the former for 8 months, the latter for 10 years!) and, more recently, I have developed tolerance to and dependence for Methoxetamine, which I have been using in quite excessive amounts. With its weak u-opioid affinity, perhaps we can let that one slide into conversation here?

Regardless, just thought I'd ask. I've been avoiding OD for *so* long now so as not to trigger my cravings for heroin and other opiates, I just can't go through it again (for the umpteenth time)...

~ Vaya

 

[NeighborhoodThreat]

I don't see any reason why we can't discuss other addictions to other drugs....

 

[dokomo]

Is this thread purely for those struggling with opiate/opioid addiction?

My question stems from the fact that I just scrolled through six pages of this wonderfully-intentioned thread and have yet to see one post about someone struggling with and updating about addictions to other drugs. It's absolutely okay with me if everyone would prefer the Progress Mega Thread remains exclusive to those dealing with opiate seduction/destruction, and it isn't as if I cannot relate - I've been able to stay opiate-free since December 10th from a 35-40 bag/day + whatever else I could get habit, and I am truly proud of myself, considering (as far as opiates go) that is the farthest I've *ever* let myself get out of control!!

I have long held strong tolerances (and addictions) to both pregabalin and benzodiazepines (the former for 8 months, the latter for 10 years!) and, more recently, I have developed tolerance to and dependence for Methoxetamine, which I have been using in quite excessive amounts. With its weak u-opioid affinity, perhaps we can let that one slide into conversation here?

Regardless, just thought I'd ask. I've been avoiding OD for *so* long now so as not to trigger my cravings for heroin and other opiates, I just can't go through it again (for the umpteenth time)...

~ Vaya

Its definitely not just restricted to opioid addiction, man! Feel free to update us on your progress here

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You can talk about any drug addiction that you're progressing through here.

Although if you are addicted to cannabis, maybe you just want to go to Cannabis Discussion.

MDMA/MDA addiction can also be discussed in the Ecstasy Discussion forum.

Any subject matter/topic which extends beyond drug recovery can also be posted in The Dark Side. In The Dark Side, they have a No Triggering Content rule; this is a rule that's hard to define, but if it would trigger someone who is struggling the hardest with drug addiction (glorifying drugs, talking about how great it is to be high, stuff like that, even just a picture of you high or getting high) - then it isn't allowed.

 

[muvolution]

I find that with benzos and GABAgerics, the addiction is mostly related to the bad withdrawals... I would encourage you to lay out a taper plan with your health care professional. If you want advice from your BL peeps, I would be happy to help as I've gone through dependence and withdrawal of both those substances.

 

[HdoubleODeezy]

update from me- have been in a major depression state of my bipolar disorder. (Being treated for that with zyprexa for years.. i recommend to try it for those who are trying to find the right med.. but everyone has that ONE med or only a certian combo that works for them, im sure you people with bipolar know what i mean by that) I have been depressed for a month or so (because i got off bupe in Jan. ... Bupe is officially THE best antidepressant ever, i've tried a few SSRI's (lexapro, celexa, etc.) when i was younger and they just made me manic. I have tried many tricyclics also (was on Amitriptyline while on bupe for a couple months but for nerve pain not depression and trazadone for sleep a couple times). But while i was on bupe for 4yrs i needed no antidepressant at all and i wasn't in a manic state, i was just "normal" i also feel it is good for people who are bipolar since the whole time on it i only cycled a few times, before that i was rapid cycling (but part of that was being an opiate addict in and out of w/d's, so that didn't help me much). But regardless i won't go on an antidepressant because i think they're evil and actually caused me to be bipolar since i was prescribed them for depression when i was 12 (since then i was never the same).

ALSO.. I am just finishing up benzo w/d coming off 10mg phenazepam + 5mg clonazepam/ day addiction.. only tapered down to 1mg clonaz and my doctor (who i saw today) didn't give me a script to go lower so i had to stop at that high dose.. well when i talked to him at my appointment and asked him why, and he said that he thought i was down to .25mg/day and that he had made a huge mistake and that i'm lucky i didn't have a seizure and i said "no, YOU"RE lucky i didn't have a seizure" but i've been seeing him forever and even if i did have one (a seizure) i wouldn't blame him or sue or anything.. the addiction was my fault and i'm lucky he helped with what he did (he's a psych and the only doc i see so we get along good and i am happy with him as my doctor) I've been seeing him for about 7 years and he has helped me with everything i have ever asked him for help with (within his power).
But i'm almost 100% so i'm glad.. so to sum it up....................

I'm off BENZOS & OPIATES !!! NEVER in my life after i started with them did i think i would be "free" of their hold.
Drugs vs. HOOD/ T-Jae.. I win (for now.)

/rant/update %)

 

[muvolution]

HOOD - I'm glad you are feeling better and opiate and benzo free. Why don't you talk to your psych and see if you can get back on the suboxone for manic depression/ bi-polar disorder? It might be a thing where you don't want to get back on subs, which I totally understand.

Having been on both, there are significant'y less side-effects than with Zyprexa.
Also, as you probably know, Eli Lilly had a huge lawsuit about Olanzapine due to it being over prescribed, rushed through approval, and having questionable clinical trials.
It makes my gain wight like crazy, and I felt like it just dulled me all around, which the subs did not do.

I totally know what you mean about finding the "right" drug for bi-polar disorder, but it sounds like you had already found it with the Suboxone/ Subutex. Alot of psychs are starting to Rx it off-label, and as I know from your posts, you were on a very low dose, which will agree better with your doctor.

I'm stoked to hear your progress. congrats.

 

[HdoubleODeezy]

I actually do NOT want to be on an opiate.. I am the one who told my dr straight up on the phone the day of my appt. "I'm going CT, Bye" and that was in Jan. I've been on Zyprexa 5-7 years (don't remember exactly, but i know at least a year or two longer than bupe) and i have only gained 25lbs but im a growing male and i was too skinny before the Zyprexa so the weight i gained could be from me just growing.. im only 22 im 5'10" 185lbs.. so i have no issue with weight since most of it is muscle. I don't look fat lol i just have a big upper body (broad shoulders, big chest etc. I've done a lot of growing but am almost 100% it was natural and not caused by meds.
So i fought hard to get off opiates and benzos after seven years dependence. NO WAY am i going back on them regularly.. i will "chip" once in a while and i am scripted tramadol for pain so i have no need to go around trying to get PK's or shit like that..
I'm just in the depression cycle and soon i will be back to normal. The zyprexa keeps me from going manic. Unless manic is my "normal" and i have always been and know no difference but i highly doubt it. But Zyprexa is the best medication i have ever taken, if i had to choose between bupe, kpins, or zyprexa i would choose zyprexa. It has changed my life for the better, and the treatment i received of 4years on bupe changed my life, and learning to face anxiety w/o benzos (when it happens) will be another change for the better in my life. So my life is great right now, im just in a depression that nothing can stop as i have bipolar disorder and have learned to live with it with my co pilot Zyprexa.
So i hear what you're saying but i am happy where i am in life, but im just overall generally depressed. Hard to explain i guess.

I'm stoked to hear your progress. congrats.

Thanks! :D

I forgot to mention my dose for zyprexa is 30mg/night in the past i was on 20mg 2xday (i know, large doses) FDA and Eli Lilly say no more than 20mg/day but my Dr. seems to know what he's doing because it helps me more than seroquell, invega, risperdall, abilify, and i was on 300mg lamictal but stopped it as i didn't need it and felt it did nothing to me.

 

[muvolution]

I totally understand that you don't want to go back on an opiate - I was just wondering if that was a possibility.
To clarify - were you still on the Zyprexa when you were on bupe, too?

and, I totally understand the body-type because I'm really similar. If you are just vigilant with exercise, you should be fine, and it sounds like it works really well for you.

Also, I get what it's like to be manic depressive - You don't need to struggle to explain it, because I know I can't explain it to people that haven't gone through it.