Hi Mrdocat
I hope your feeling a little lighter about your situation as time goes on.
Its funny as I dont take any psychedelics anymore but just recently I have begun thinking about the times when i did. I am now 38 and took them in my early 20s. The thing was there was no one to talk to about them back them, stonner friends at the time who wouldnt talk about anything like that, its funny as ive just been looking back at those times and wondering about the effects they had upon me.
I wonder whether my experiences are very similar to yours. I have not taken them for a long time and dont wish to but i do think in retrospect they showed me some alternative ways at looking at things which i would not have seen if i had not taken them and also caused me problems not dissimilar to yours.
I felt like an outsider after i had taken them, like i was diff to everyone else, to my shame at the time and ignorance , i even thought i was a little bit special ! i also was apathetic to things, i began to think a lot of things were worthless, the world, relationships etc. I tell you what i really had not discussed what had happened to me during my intensive trip ! i guess back in the day you would have done it with the local shamen person and got some guidance on it all, not just chucked back into a 9-5 and all that. Its taken me a long time to realise that the things i saw were a very diff reality to the one i know and am comfortable in, and made me realise that its great that i have a clear working mind which catagorises things etc, something the exp lsd breaks down for a period thus making these unusual experiences happen, sometimes profound exp.
My exp on lsd was very profound, i had not known myself in that way... i mean , i really did not consider myself a deep person, i was a kid who messed around, a bit of clown and had little life experience, then suddenly i felt very deep feelings, my heart , a very serious part of myself i really had never known. i thought at the time of the trip, omg, this is so profound and life changing.
After the trip i came back down to reality and felt apathetic, my daily routine began, hanging out with my mates, we didnt speak of the trip as we were 'lads' , just like woh what a laugh... i felt like it had really had a big impact on me, and the usual just join in and be a joker really wasnt me anymore. I felt distant from people like they didnt understand me and apathetic from joining in with lots of things.
I felt much more inward. i guess that i had never had an experience that had turned me inward before, i was just a bit of a joker, after having been bullied at school i had assumed the roll of a joker around friends as a defense mech.
My apathy was that i couldnt really join in as this joker anymore because i really wasnt that person.
Now here is where the problem lay, i was back in my normal life and thought that i still had a depth somewhere, well it really wasnt there, it never returned in my daily life, my dayly life is just as it always was, just plain old me with my silly ways and although i had this intense experience i was just stuck with myself ! inside i was chasing this high to come back but of course without something like lsd it wasnt going to come back, although i thought it would, because i had depth now , ha, i was just plain old me. I was not willing to take drugs lots as i really dont have the tolerance to do so. i have taken a few but never anything excesively.
The one thing i did do for some time was to smoke dope, i regret that and would strongly...very strongly say dont smoke dope. if there s anything to make you feel an outsider then that s dope.
I did go to the doctor and said i felt down etc and he put me on citalopram, it eased my anxiety, i am no longer taking it but i did for 2 years, but in retrospect for me personally my problem was that i had no one really to talk to in my life to help me interperet my experiences, i really wished i had realised that they were one off experiences that were really deep but could not be repeated in everyday life. I prob did a few daft things like you did like look in the mirror etc, but that was just me playing a childish game with myself, i found myself with lots of questions from the experiences and no one to ask or answer.
I really wanted to just say that stuff to you and know it does not directly relate to you but wanted to just reach out a hand and say its cool to not be ok with what you experienced, although within your thread you have not really spoken about what happened to you during your experience. sometimes something can really feel traumatic, and you can blow something up out of proportion.
I would advise you if your really not happy with things to go to the doctor and ask for an ssri similar to what i had citalopram, this will regulate the seretonin for a bit and stop you getting mood swings and chill out, all an ssri does is to stop seretonin from dispersing in your body so quickly, its simple, for instance if you do sport you will feel a high for half hour after a run, because seretonin is released from the run, if your anxious a lot then it will get dispursed quickly, the ssri simply holds it in your body for longer, if you do not run etc then you wont feel the effects of the ssri.
Ok and the other thing is , i think you mentioned military enlistment, a very probable side effect of lsd would be , is this the right thing for me to be doing ?? well if it is something thats come up then i would say to you, maybe the lsds insight in this may well turn out to be a blessing considering the current state of world affairs,
lay off the pot if your smoking it, that is the one thing to fk you up if your have some problems.
Hope things improve for you. Its funny as like i say i took it a long time ago and dont anymore and kind of relate to where your coming from. Good luck, the big thing dude is your asking people for some help here, and at the doc and the psych, and you bet that your not alone with all that potential help, i m sure you can sort things out, a person who 'lost their mind' on lsd, is not writing on forums , or even recognising a problem, they would be suffering and trying to ignore it.
Stay strong.
