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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

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Pressure to study, final semester to get this degree. Old thoughts die hard, I asked a kid I know if he could find me some “study aid”. Yeah, he’s a good one, of course he wasn’tinterested. It’s coming on 3 years since I used them (amps). I have a chance to study all night but I know melatonin will come within the next hour . It is VERY frustrating to think I cannot force myself to complete what I need simply due to a chemical that could be diverted.
Pressure to not mess it all up again. My focus is so bad, it can take me a week to write a paragraph.
Mourning the loss of my deep study nights. I haven’t felt this kind of loss for a *long* time. Scars run deep, eh, our brains don’t forget what dug those pathways.
 
^Cohesion, hang tight. The need to use stims for studying will follow you into the career that studying is preparing you for if you don't continue to work on changing those pathways, right? I don't know what the career is but look at amphetamine abuse in doctors. Convincing themselves that they had to do it to make it through med school and then the ridiculous hours of internships did not end when they got their degrees. I just heard a program not too long ago on how the rampant use of stims as study aids is comparable to steroids with athletes. The presence of something that can enhance normal capabilities changes the expectations of the field for everyone.

Good luck with the writing. It is a problem for me as well but it is due to age. Where it used to take me no time at all to organize my thoughts and get them down on paper (or a screen LOL), now it is excruciatingly slow. No one told me that over-thinking and distraction would increase with age!8(
 
seems like many of you have it worse than me but i am just about dead on the inside. I kind of just hope i crash my car and die so no one thinks i'm an asshole when i die. fuck. i just cannot fucking quit drugs; the cravings are so god damn insane. I can quit opiates over and over but i can't quit stims, i keep trying over and over. Basically if i don't somehow get it together, i'm going to lose it all and right now i feel like getting blasted and saying my goodbyes and going on a death drug run. I'm not going to but holy shit do i ever want to run.

and yeah ^ trust me it's a hole you don't want to fall into, even if it's a legit script. i still hurt after a month of no amphetamines and im still taking other stims. They always say the rush and glory of the high isn't worth it, that you're just chasing it but that's bullshit - if it was that bad, it wouldn't be THAT good. that's what makes it truly hard. The high is that fucking good. i'd throw everything away if someone gave me a lifetime supply and i could just do my own thing.
 
RobotRipping said:
seems like many of you have it worse than me but i am just about dead on the inside. I kind of just hope i crash my car and die so no one thinks i'm an asshole when i die. fuck. i just cannot fucking quit drugs; the cravings are so god damn insane. I can quit opiates over and over but i can't quit stims, i keep trying over and over. Basically if i don't somehow get it together, i'm going to lose it all and right now i feel like getting blasted and saying my goodbyes and going on a death drug run. I'm not going to but holy shit do i ever want to run.

and yeah ^ trust me it's a hole you don't want to fall into, even if it's a legit script. i still hurt after a month of no amphetamines and im still taking other stims.
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Reading this shook me. I am so sorry you are going thru this right now. Please know you are NOT alone. You are not the first person to ever feel this way, not will you be the last. I know that my telling you this does not change your situation, but I simply wanted you to know that you are not alone. You are worthy of, and you are able to be helped. Please do not intentionally crash your car or harm yourself. You have no idea how many people that may hurt.

It is ok to want to run. It is ok to not have all the answers.. or any of them for that matter.

I am sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. *love*
 
Much Love to everyone in this thread! I'm struggling a bit with myself and the world around me, so some love sent my way would be awesome. I try to positive and i want to spread love but lately i feel incredibly negative about life and the people i see in this world. I know that positivity can change that and the best thing to do is spread love to all but all i see is the negativity in society. What i would do without all you lovely people at bluelight i have no idea! i love you all, with the help of this site i always find my center when i get lost.
Much Love!
 
thanks delta; my world is crumbling right before my eyes... i mean i can keep up appearances but the wall is starting to fall. i spend so much time getting high and working on music/playing guitar that the combo of working nonstop on my hobbies is actually ruining my life. i always hoped that having that kind of crazy drive and motivation was a good thing but not at the cost of everything.

it is like being trapped under a wave having my head bob up every now and then only to go back under. im still getting hit with withdrawals to top it off and i'm still on 2 drugs everyday fuck. I always figured i was the outlier, the one that could do it no matter what, handle it all but i'm slipping bad.
 
RobotRipping said:
seems like many of you have it worse than me but i am just about dead on the inside. I kind of just hope i crash my car and die so no one thinks i'm an asshole when i die. fuck. i just cannot fucking quit drugs; the cravings are so god damn insane. I can quit opiates over and over but i can't quit stims, i keep trying over and over. Basically if i don't somehow get it together, i'm going to lose it all and right now i feel like getting blasted and saying my goodbyes and going on a death drug run. I'm not going to but holy shit do i ever want to run.

and yeah ^ trust me it's a hole you don't want to fall into, even if it's a legit script. i still hurt after a month of no amphetamines and im still taking other stims. They always say the rush and glory of the high isn't worth it, that you're just chasing it but that's bullshit - if it was that bad, it wouldn't be THAT good. that's what makes it truly hard. The high is that fucking good. i'd throw everything away if someone gave me a lifetime supply and i could just do my own thing.
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yup. i feel the same way about opiates an alcohol. extremly hard to quit when you use everyday. ive been clean from dope since 1/14/14 and alcohol since 12/23/13 but i still feel empty. im in treatment but i still hate myself. You're not alone in your feelings and not in your endeavors either. Someone out there loves you wheter you know it or not so keep your chin up man.

I tried to stay away from this site currently cuz its very triggering but, well, its valentines day and i wanna drink so so fucking bad, the cravings are unbearable. Its like, yes, please fucking remind me that its valentines day from google, to netflix, to my sisters and mom, to friends and everywhere i look. please fucking remind me i have no one and how miserable life is right now. FUCK YOU! I had my $$ in my lap ready to go. it was gonna happen but then i remembered im on the vivotrol shot and its a waste of $$ and ill be even more pissed. ugh. FML i hate it.

The only good thing about today is i asked my sister if she wants to watch Katt Williams (comedian) at Baltimore arena this april and she is gonna go so she's gonna make the 5 hour round trip driving, and imma buy us tickets and we're gonna go. Pretty sad thing that going to see a black comedian i watch on tv is the happiest thing in my life right now. Fuck.
 
:( depressing night..valentines day all alone AGAIN...and my insomnia which has been initially caused by my heroin addiction is just not going away:( i need a hug
 
valentines day should be demolished; im still working things out with my gf, if i weren't i'd be holing on mxe. My life is going a bit better now but things are unstable. My problems:
1) girlfriend doesn't want me to use drugs excessively
2) can't stop using excessively
3) fear of getting kicked out/caught using excessively drives me to use even more
4) due to my drug use i am unreliable attending class however i still do well
5) can't figure out whether this is just who i am or whether i should really try to change again
6) if i can't change i let everyone down again.
 
Sending some love to you guys and gals Happy Monday morning <3
 
RobotRipping said:
valentines day should be demolished; im still working things out with my gf, if i weren't i'd be holing on mxe. My life is going a bit better now but things are unstable. My problems:
1) girlfriend doesn't want me to use drugs excessively
2) can't stop using excessively
3) fear of getting kicked out/caught using excessively drives me to use even more
4) due to my drug use i am unreliable attending class however i still do well
5) can't figure out whether this is just who i am or whether i should really try to change again
6) if i can't change i let everyone down again.
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How are things going for you, robot? <3
 
Herbavore, thanks for the support. You always say the most helpful things.

So, you struggle with the concentration too, and you think it is due mostly to aging and our natural process. I know you have given me support re: Adderall before, and I keep the things you’ve said in mind. I’m sure others do, too, even if they don’t/can’t say so.

I am using positive self-talk phrases, like “I don’t need them.” “I can handle this.” I’m trying to think of more (any thoughts?) : ) It’s always nice to have a few of those in my pocket.
 
I don't tell anyone because I don't want to explain it, not thinking they will understand, but for so many years all I had was good intentions and every time I looked to another person for care or love I got a quick rejection of pure apathy. Most of the time it seems like people go out of their way to show me that they don't care. Sometimes 3 people can go out of their way to tell me that they don't care about me in the first hour of the day. For a person that truly wants care, seeing overwhelming amounts of apathy every day is the most frustrating thing. There is such a large lack of love in the world, and when you are spiritual and disregard everything the ego has to offer, it sucks to see that the world stays in their uncaring state of ego.
 
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