Poem

[haribo1]

All poems moved to Poems thread to avoid replication...

 

[haribo1]

Poems

Your Guess is as Good as a Mile
I went out for dinner with Lorna or Layla,
She said 'make me breathless' so I hid her inhaler

Sex object
I think I am a sex object,
Until the other sex objects

Haiku
To convey ones mood,
In seventeen syllables,
Is very diffic...

Evidently Chickentown
the fucking cops are fucking keen
to fucking keep it fucking clean
the fucking chief's a fucking swine
who fucking draws a fucking line
at fucking fun and fucking games
the fucking kids he fucking blames
are nowehere to be fucking found
anywhere in chicken town

the fucking scene is fucking sad
the fucking news is fucking bad
the fucking weed is fucking turf
the fucking speed is fucking surf
the fucking folks are fucking daft
don't try to make me fucking laugh
it fucking hurts to look around
everywhere in chicken town

the fucking train is fucking late
you fucking wait you fucking wait
you're fucking lost and fucking found
stuck in fucking chicken town
the fucking view is fucking vile
for fucking miles and fucking miles
the fucking babies fucking cry
the fucking flowers fucking die
the fucking food is fucking muck
the fucking drains are fucking fucked
the colour scheme is fucking brown
everywhere in chicken town

the fucking pubs are fucking dull
the fucking clubs are fucking full
of fucking girls and fucking guys
with fucking murder in their eyes
a fucking bloke is fucking stabbed
while waiting for a fucking cab?
you fucking stay at fucking home
the fucking neighbors fucking moan
keep the fucking racket down
this is fucking chicken town

the fucking train is fucking late
you fucking wait you fucking wait
you're fucking lost and fucking found
stuck in fucking chicken town

the fucking pies are fucking old
the fucking chips are fucking cold
the fucking beer is fucking flat
the fucking flats have fucking rats
the fucking clocks are fucking wrong
the fucking days are fucking long
it fucking gets you fucking down
evidently chicken town

Blues on tuesday
Geen geld.
Geen vuur.
Geen speed.

Geen krant.
Geen wonder.
Geen weed.

Geen Brood.
Geen tijd.
Geen weet.

Geen klote.
Geen donder.
Geen reet


I Rely on You
I rely on you
Like a Skoda needs suspension
Like the aged need a pension
Like a trampoline needs tension
Like a bungee jump needs aprehension
I rely on you

I rely on you
Like a camera needs a shutter
Like a golfer needs a putter
Like a gambler needs a flutter
Like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you

I rely on you
Like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
Like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
Like an HGV needs endless DERV
Like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you

I rely on you
Like a handyman needs pliers
Like an auctioneer needs buyers
Like a laundromat needs dryers
Like The Good Life needed Richard Briers

I rely on you
Like a water vole needs water
Like a brick outhouse needs mortar
Like a lemming to the slaughter
Ryan’s just Ryan - without his daughter
I rely on you

 

[katmeow]

Haiku
To convey ones mood,
In only seventeen syllables,
Is very diffic...

Haha, very true!



But it should be 5-7-5. Maybe scrap 'only' in the second line?

 

[haribo1]

^Quite right. My mistake. Fixed it now...

A poem I heard about Stevie Smith makes me smile:

'Rhyme and meter,
Don't defeat her'

 

[Raz]

Haiku was awesome...even if not entirely accurate, the awesomeness makes up for it. :D

Also liked chicken town a lot.

 

[haribo1]

The day my Pad Went Mad

I'm ankle deep in human waste
the toilet has been clogged
marrowbone jelly all over the place
I don't even have a dog
the man upstairs he grabs my arm
saying don't I know your dad
all I could hear were the fire alarms
the day my pad went MAD

The kitchen has been ransacked
ski trails in the hall
a chicken has been dansacked
and thrown against the wall
in walks this dumb waiter
with a fountain pen and pad
saying how do you want this alligator
the day my pad went MAD

The hamster had been slaugtered
the parrot bound and gagged
the guard dog had been sorted out
and absolutely shagged
the goldfish drowned, the cat was found
kicked around and stabbed
the radio did not make a sound
the day my pad went MAD

the pop-up toaster refused to pop
the chandelier was smashed
the starter motor would not stop
the tyres had been slashed
there was no way out of there
I was stuck with what I had
out of order, beyond repair
the day my pad went MAD

yesterday I had the place rewired
and slung out all of my junk
a tumble dryer and a two bar fire
and a telephone now defunct
I peeped through the venetian blinds
and the rain fell down so sad
on the broken home I left behind
the day my pad went MAD


Doctor doctor

Doctor I have trouble pronouncing effs and tee aitches
Well you can't say fairer than that

 

[haribo1]

'...You could have cut the atmosphere with some specialist atmosphere cutting equipment...'

Bradford to Bristol

from Bradford Yorkshire
to Bristol Temple Meads
you don't have to change your underwear
but you have to change at Leeds

I was walking down the street today & there was a bloke with a REALLY STUPID haircut, so I hit him... nobody takes the piss out of me.

 

[getreal]

The Singing Cat

It was a little captive cat
Upon a crowded train
His mistress takes him from his box
To ease his fretful pain.

She holds him tight upon her knee
The graceful animal
And all the people look at him
He is so beautiful.

But oh he pricks and oh he prods
And turns upon her knee
Then lifteth up his innocent voice
In plaintive melody.

He lifteth up his innocent voice
He lifteth up, he singeth
And to each human countenance
A smile of grace he bringeth.

He lifteth up his innocent paw
Upon her breast he clingeth
And everybody cries, Behold
The cat, the cat that singeth.

He lifteth up his innocent voice
He lifteth up, he singeth
And all the people warm themselves
In the love his beauty bringeth.

*Also good for a eulogy

 

[haribo1]

^The poem I want read out at my funeral...

Stevie Smith, a great writer.

 

[haribo1]

Burnley

I'll tell you now and I'll tell you firmly
I don't never want to go to Burnley
What they do there don't concern me
Why would anybody make the journey?

I'll tell you know and I'll tell you flatly
I don't never want to go to Gatley
I don't even want to go to Batley
Where is that place exactly

Do I wanna to go to Redditch?
I wouldn't visit in a souped-up sheddish
what am I some kind of Nebbish?
No I don't want to go to Reddish

I'll tell you now and I'll tell you briefley
I don't never want to go to Keighley
I'll tell you now, just like I told Elsa Lanchester...
I don't ever want to go to... Cumbernauld

I couldn't manage the last couplet work, so I just did it VERY wrong!

 

[shannonsensimilla]

I really like The day my Pad Went Mad and Your Guess is As Good As Mine is a great little hook, whether you wanted it to be or not

 

[haribo1]

Ta

Evening gene
Evening Fiona
Evening Ena
Thank you Pauline

Hygene
Hifi
Hyena...

Tapaulin

(best read with Lancashire accent)

 

[haribo1]

Queztions

Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?
Why is monosyllabic not?


Quality

My friend says I'm far too sophisticated an artist to play in Burnley...
Or anywhere else where they still point at airplanes.

Polish Joke

Polish man goes into an opticians...
Optician covers one eye up and says to the bloke...
"Can you read the top line ?"
Polish man says " Read it ! I know him "

Hire Car

double park - don't lock the door
push the pedals through the floor
give it loads and then some more
it's a hire car baby

grip the stick - grind the gears
watch that distance disappear
never yours in a thousand years
it's a hire car baby

hire-car, hire-car
why would anybody buy a car?
bang it, prang it, say ta ta
it's a hire car baby

bad behaviour on the street
save yourself a couple of sheets
collision rate keeps it sweet
it's a hire car baby

show this motor no respect
bump it, dump it, call collect
what else do the firm expect
it's a hire car baby

drive the fucker anywhere
just like you don't care
put it down to wear and tear
it's a hire car baby

pray the person who hired it last
didn't drive it quite so fast
this Daganum dodgem doesn't last
it's a hire car baby

try not to kill yourself
or injure anybody else
don't forget to fasten your belts

rent it, dent it, bang it, prang it
bump it, dump it, scorch it, torch it
crash and burn it, don't return it
lost deposit, let 'em earn it
who cares, it's on the firm
it's a hire car baby

The Beach

I must go down to the beach again,
Tween the sheltered sea and sky,
I left my shoes and socks there,
By now they must be dry...

 

[haribo1]

The 3 Types of British People

It has been well said that there are,
Just three types of British people,
Those who will work for the BBC,
Those who WORK for the BBC,
Those who have worked for the BBC

Which one are you, right now?

The Cat's Prayer

Although I am too proud to beg, and may appear to be a very independent creature, I ask for your loving care and attention. I rely on you for my well being much more than you may realize.

This I promise you, my benefactor, that I will not be a burden on you nor will I demand more of you than you care to give.

I will be a quiet peaceful island of serenity for you to gaze upon; a soft soothing body to caress, and I shall purr with pleasure to rest your weary ears.

Since I am a gourmet who appreciates different taste sensations, I pray you will give me a variety of nutritious foods and fresh water daily.

You know dear friend, how I love to go. Allow me, I pray, a warm sheltered place where I can rest peacefully and feel secure.

If I am wounded in battle or suffering from disease, please tend me gently, and see that I am treated by loving and competent hands.

Please protect me from the inhuman humans who would hurt and torture me for their own amusement. I am accustomed to your gentle touch and am not always suspicious nor swift enough to avoid such malicious acts.

In my later years when my senses fail me and my infirmities become to great to bear, allow me the comfort and dignity that I desire for my closing days and help me gently in my pain or passing.

Hear this prayer, my dear friend, my fate depends on you.

Author Unknown

 

[haribo1]

Hitlers Dog Loved Him

"When some proud son of man returns to earth,
Unknown to glory, but upheld by birth,
The sculptor's art exhausts the pomp of woe.
And storied urns record who rest below.
When all is done, upon his toms is seen--
Not what he was, but what he should have been.
But the poor dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his master's own,
Who labors, breathes, fights, lives, for him alone,
Unhonored falls, unnoticed all his worth,
Denied in heaven the soul he held on earth;
While man, vain insect, hopes to be forgiven
And claims himself a sole, exclusive heaven.
O, man, thou feeble tenant of an hour,
Debased by slavery or corrupt by power,
Who knows thee well must quit thee with disgust,
Thou degraded mass of animated dust.
Thy love is lust, they friendship all a cheat,
Thy smile hypocrisy, thy words deceit.
By nature vile, ennobled but by name,
Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame.
Ye who perchance behold this simple urn,--pass on;
It honors n one you wish to mourn.
To make a friend's remains these stones arise--
I never knew but one, and here he lies."

Author H. Scott Welch

 

[haribo1]

A Take on Freud

Darling, show me the place
Where the paint is made
That colours the world
Where the light is created
That makes shine
The splendour of the dawn
The lines and shapes
Of all form
The sound that fills the orbit
Show me the thought
That illuminates
The darkness of the void.

These lyrics appear in the Julian Cope song 'Jelly pop Perky Jean' but the inspiration was from a letter by Freud in which he stated 'I would hate to see the place that makes the colours of the world, where light is created; for then, how could one live?' On the album Cope states 'lyrics by unknown' which, since he read English Literature means he either forgot or was being arch...

 

[haribo1]

Let's Record

I don't get out of bed for less than a cup of coffee & a fag,
So when Steve said 'lets make a record' I thought 'Fan-flippin-tastic',

When the records a smash hit,
Women talk to you longer,
Before mentioning their boyfriends,

You start to attract groupies,
Who want to be your auntie or your niece,
But never mind, I'll have friends,

Before you know it,
Your living in Cheshire and using shampoo,
It's a far cry from singing Laurie Andersons 'O Superman' at the karaoke,

When your really famous you get to call your children interesting names,
Like Smedley or Flipper,

But already your to old to die young,
But havn't all this energy for touring,

Your wife starts to get jelous,
Believing that she's not the only woman,
you grumble and complain to,

As your ego declares independence,
Friends are increasingly distant,
Leaving you with no one to talk to on the way down,

You learn from teletext,
that your wife has renamed your children,
Susan and David,

Finally, as you lose all grip on reality,
You grow a beard,
And think it looks great,

Scrap the record, Ste...

 

[haribo1]

You know in America? Those Greyhound busses follow a large, metal rabbit...
That's what I've heard

Just Resting

The bedrooms cold,
The blankets hot,
The winds getting up,
but I'm not,

Now is the winter of my quite content

Hey Joe

Hey Joe,
Where you going with that ratchet screwdriver in your hand?

I'm going to dismantle my old lady,
I caught her messing around with my workmate, man

Your minds knocked through to another room,
You can't peg it back with a dowel,

She can't get through to this heart of stone cladding,
It's time to throw in the trowel,

A gentle breeze-block blows,
Through the dormer-windows of my mind,

I find that DIY is the only way I can unwind,
And if you see home furnishing as some kind of convulsion,

I second that emulsion,

Est tu sad?
Daddys got a brand-new grow bag,

 

[haribo1]

Blown away

As I was chatting to her of this and that,
She did what most jail-birds wish they could do,
She walked away mid-sentence.

Deep End

I depend on you...

 

[haribo1]

My Belief

The Euterpean muse,
Is the greatest of all,
It makes the least mess