poem endless... PLEASE CRITIQUE

[SmokeTrails]

my head is a cell
my bodies just a shell
consciousness is hell
my head is a cell

feel completely traped
depressions part of that
how should i react
now that i feel completely traped

lifes a twisted game
but whos really to blame
win or lose it ends the same
because lifes a twisted game

deaths your only friend
hes with you till the end
you've got no bridges left to mend
deaths your only friend

wrote this in rehab lol... le me know what you guys think

 

[Jabberwocky]

i appreciate the theme. It is one that i can relate too. I would however say that the 4 line separation of your poem makes the repeating line sound to close to the original statement. death/death. have you thought perhaps to do a 4 line stanza with a follow up sentence that reiterates the first part.

xDeath
X
x
x

Death

that way there is a conclusion to the lines? good luck and i look forward to reading more of your work.

 

[SmokeTrails]

yeah i could give it a shot... it just kinda all flowed out of my head this way... but ill go back over it and see if i can come up with a couple more lines

 

[Jabberwocky]

the wonderful thing about critique is that you take what you like from the suggestions and make the modifications you desire. Poetry is personal and often times written for us.

 

[SmokeTrails]

yeah i realize that... i personally like it this way... but i wanna try to rewrite it the way your talking about just for fun... ive got alot of time on my hands what can i say lol

its kinda funny.. the way i write it all flows out and then when i go back and try to think of somthing to add in i pull complete blanks... its good partice for me to go back over it ya know?