Please critique: She Glows.

[marquis]

Hey guys!
I wrote this for my girfriend but I have a feeling that it's a little weak so if anyone thinks there are any changes I could make to improve it then come on and tell me. Much appreciated!

Dawn creeps thru an open
Window, slides across tangled
Sheets, naked skin and eyes
Lost to dreams.
She glows.

The day deepens, slow and
Soft; in silence now she
wakes, rubs her face and
Yawns in bliss.
She glows.

Mere moments pass before she
Turns. Green eyes sweep over
Me, she kisses me and
Smiles warmly.
She glows.

 

[BrightEyesIsMe]

I think that was great. The wording gave it something like a old rhythm. One of honesty and dream like illusions.

 

[katmeow]

I like it... nice format... my only suggestion is not to use the slang spelling of through in the first sentence, I think it detracts from the piece.

But otherwise, good work, not cheesy, but still sweet

 

[skjalff]

Thats great, I was at first confused about the line breaks

"Dawnk creeps thru an open ||| Window..."

but then there is something to it, I like the harmony between content, rithm and format, really well done. I will agree with katmeow about the slang spelling tho.. )



skjalff

 

[DarkPoet]

Great poetry, gave me goosebumps

I think the linebreaks give it a good rhythm

 

[marquis]

Thanks everyone

I gave it to her today and she was well pleased so I'm happy with it too