pindream

[Raz]

my mouth was full of pins
viscous and shiny with dark blood
each one pulled from my lip in odd numb horror
clattering to meet its others like a child's game
that nobody wanted to play
teeth coming apart
face changing landscape with each fistful of excavated steel
the structure of my jaw collapsed
inverted; my family
laughing,
faces

turned away.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Ow that hurt my mouth lol.

 

[leiphos]

Here's my edit, for what it's worth:
I'd take the line "face changing landscape with each fistful of evacuated steel" and re-write it as "face terraformed with each fistful of excavated steel."

The reason I did this was to keep turn the "changing" from a participle to a verb, which makes it stronger. Also, I changed the last bit to "excavated" to keep it in the same metaphor of landscape and geography, etc. To jump metaphors in the same line might throw off some readers ime.

Just my 2 cents.

I love this poem btw. So visceral. Really cool.

 

[Mehm]

now all i can think of is a mouth full of pins, well done imagery. interesting dropping of the "family" word

 

[(Wordy)]

Fact: poets have strange dreams.

Nice work, Raz.

 

[Raz]

Here's my edit, for what it's worth:
I'd take the line "face changing landscape with each fistful of evacuated steel" and re-write it as "face terraformed with each fistful of excavated steel."

The reason I did this was to keep turn the "changing" from a participle to a verb, which makes it stronger. Also, I changed the last bit to "excavated" to keep it in the same metaphor of landscape and geography, etc. To jump metaphors in the same line might throw off some readers ime.

Just my 2 cents.

I love this poem btw. So visceral. Really cool.

Thanks for the constructive feedback! I do personally prefer the "changing landscape" over "terraformed", but I tried reading it out loud and substituting "excavated" actually sounds a lot better so I used it........I read this tonight as part of a suite of dream pieces, it went down really well..

 

[New]

Sometimes you get the dream...sometimes the dream gets you.