Perhaps there is no hope...

[Pillthrill]

Background information: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=511964

the only way I know how to explain this to you is that I'm too "empty" to write a whole bit on this. I feel that way all the time. The deep emotional pain is returning and I either hide it or try to talk to the one I love about it without much luck. I've quit opiates but they call to me constantly. For hope, for happiness...
I dunno if I'll break with some codeine or see if I can see the Dr. and see if wanna help. I've smoked all my weed cause I can't stand the "raw-ness" so now I'm going to have to deal without that. I've had kpins around forever, but I've been mixing them with alcohol to try to dull the world around me. I feel feel like an empty failure at life but I have so much more than others do... but still nothing of my own.
I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I don't know what to do. I know another eating disorder or more drugs isn't it. This may be my last thread on all this I refuse to become labeled the "emo girl" here or IRL anymore. I refuse to look like I have failed....

 

[ShroomBoom321]

Keep on pushing....all to it....you go through the good n' bad times in life....but better days are ahead of you, even when things aren't going good in the present moment. So my advice, keep your head up!

 

[when in rome]

Don't worry what anyone on here think about you or how they will judge you. I would suggest trying to take stock of things in your life and maybe make some changes. If you think talking to someone would help feel free to message me. I keep odd hours so I'm usually up late

 

[panic in paradise]

who the fuck cares what anyone thinks, so often people here ask and ask, but then dont try. you cant fail as long as you are trying, and man, you have made it through a lot; should i start listing them...?
what you are doing breaks people who think, that they are so cool and get involved with these drugs, as if they are above them and other people.
emo girl.... thats lame, its emo what ever that is, to start an addiction and think its cool, "oh yes, im so chic, and bad ass shooting a G of smack a day." ive been, and am addicted to opioids, its hell! but that combo, tramadol, is another story, a much deeper one.

mixing alcohol, and klonopin, almost broke me. that combo had my parents and my wife, discussing and preparing for my death... while i was guzzling away by myself. leave these alone, in combination, alcohol and benzos are a vicious terribly strange thing. it seems klonopin suppresses emotions, and alcohol exasperates them, and the subconscious. when these suppressed emotions come blaring out, amplified by booze, anything can happen. then there are the physical problems.

the klonopin its self could be helpful.

these feelings are natural, and some say that after quitting opioids, a deep feeling of bereavement comes, never-mind the "ssnri" after effects. this will go away, as assuredly as it comes.

listen to your gut, you know your body better then anyone, if you think things arent right in a disturbing way, go get help, you've done all the hard work already.


i believe that blowing smoke up someones rear is insulting to their intelligence, and possibly dangerous.
again, leave the alcohol out of the equation, and if you feel this is too much, go see a doctor. going in drunk though, you may get different results. try to get some sleep, and see what makes the most sense in the morning.

 

[burn out]

sometimes you have to go through pain and there's no way around it. it sucks but it won't last forever.

 

[unsettled]

Take the alcohol out of the mix, in my experience once any kind of depressive disorder develops alcohol only makes things worse. The klonopins could help but it requires discipline to use only what you need, and even when you're prescribed them daily and they're helping tolerance is always an issue, at least for me, and some doctors don't get this. You can be taking your prescribed klonopin dose daily and within a few months feel even more depressed because you've grown tolerant and are actually in a constant state of mild benzo withdrawal unless you raise your dose.

I don't know, it can be hell at times, if weed works for you stick with that, I'm really envious of people who can just use weed and not get paranoid or psychotic or dysfunctional. I was able to use just weed for fifteen years but then it turned on me.

Good luck, I know the battle you are fighting all too well, I'm seeing my psych on monday to look for some different options. Otherwise I'll just end up doing more and more opiates because that's the only thing that really seems to work, although obviously alot of the same tolerance/withdrawal issues come into play there as well.

 

[TJ5]

I don't think talking to your bf is construc-
tive from reading your posts. I say this
because it appears u keep tryn 2 talk 2
him an gettin same results. He withdralws.

 

[EoTorv]

I don't know about your individual reaction to kpins and alcohol but I've seen other people's and it is almost always a producer of extreme behaviors and moods that often turn out regrettable. Even people who are general pretty even tempered most all the time can become emotional whirlwinds on benzo+alcohol ime. So its my guess that your setbacks and turmoil might be in a large part over the benzo + alcohol combo. Hope things are better soon.

 

[Bojangles69]

I don't think your emo I'm just rather curious about the "deep emotional pain". Are you bipolar? Have you gotten yourself checked out before for bipolar?

Because I'll tell you straight out by how happy and ecstatic I saw you one day in the other thread, and by how sad and depressed you are today, you sound very much bipolar to me. I know it needs to be properly diagnosed but WHAT in general are you "feeling".

"Rawness", life sucks and what not? Is that all? My lifes not too great either but what are you going to do about it? I think your real issue is you think drugs might actually help, when I think they won't help me at all. Like I can sit here and complain about my life, but its not going to do much of any good... so I don't. And I notice when I don't complain, it seems to just blow over and always get better.

Thats why I think you may want to start trying to cope different and JUST ACCEPT the fact we are human, not everyday is gonna be peachy and bright, and just get on with your life the best you can. I mean we don't really have a whole hell of a lot of other options. Well you might, but when you take those options away (sucide, drug use, eating disorders, etc) your mind in a way forces itself to cope. Just don't even have those options in your head in the first place. I'm not sure what I'm saying lol, but it seems to help me cope.

 

[BlueberryfishY]

Background information: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=511964

the only way I know how to explain this to you is that I'm too "empty" to write a whole bit on this. I feel that way all the time. The deep emotional pain is returning and I either hide it or try to talk to the one I love about it without much luck. I've quit opiates but they call to me constantly. For hope, for happiness...
I dunno if I'll break with some codeine or see if I can see the Dr. and see if wanna help. I've smoked all my weed cause I can't stand the "raw-ness" so now I'm going to have to deal without that. I've had kpins around forever, but I've been mixing them with alcohol to try to dull the world around me. I feel feel like an empty failure at life but I have so much more than others do... but still nothing of my own.
I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I don't know what to do. I know another eating disorder or more drugs isn't it. This may be my last thread on all this I refuse to become labeled the "emo girl" here or IRL anymore. I refuse to look like I have failed....

Sounds like someone is W/D'ing off of one of the most nasty drugs to come off of, tramadol.. good luck on that, took me 70 years after going cold turkey to start to feel back to normal, you are in for a ride.

 

[ct1392]

ive been reading your posts for a while now pill, i wish you luck, hopefully you get to where you want to be

 

[mdmantpa]

Pillthrill I have a lot of love and compassion for you. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and those awful feelings. Just dont let it break you, things WILL get better, they always do, and then they might get bad again, who knows, but we all go through ups and downs. Sometimes when we are down though it feels like we can never get back up, but we can, and we do. PM me if you ever need anything, I know the state your currently in all too well, and it sucks. Hope things start to turn around for ya soon!

 

[Bojangles69]

This may be my last thread on all this I refuse to become labeled the "emo girl" here or IRL anymore. I refuse to look like I have failed....

I'm gonna be 100% straight with you.

When you make mention of things you're particularly sensitive to, you bait people into attacking you based on those things.

For instance. The more you talk about this being your "last thread", the more that weak miserable pieces of shit will try to push you off the forums.

The more you mention "emo-girl" the more that low life assholes will come into your threads calling you emo.

Its really simple and you need to understand the environment is the reason why. TDS is a tad like prison where you have people in extremely shitty circumstances who are too weak to do anything about it. So when they percieve weaknesses in other people they pray upon them to make themselves feel better.

If you play a role absent of all the things that bother you, then the majority of people won't focus on them, and the minority of scum bags won't need to bring them up everytime YOU mention them.
Just an idea.

 

[Pillthrill]

I don't think your emo I'm just rather curious about the "deep emotional pain". Are you bipolar? Have you gotten yourself checked out before for bipolar?

Because I'll tell you straight out by how happy and ecstatic I saw you one day in the other thread, and by how sad and depressed you are today, you sound very much bipolar to me. I know it needs to be properly diagnosed but WHAT in general are you "feeling".

"Rawness", life sucks and what not? Is that all? My lifes not too great either but what are you going to do about it? I think your real issue is you think drugs might actually help, when I think they won't help me at all. Like I can sit here and complain about my life, but its not going to do much of any good... so I don't. And I notice when I don't complain, it seems to just blow over and always get better.

Thats why I think you may want to start trying to cope different and JUST ACCEPT the fact we are human, not everyday is gonna be peachy and bright, and just get on with your life the best you can. I mean we don't really have a whole hell of a lot of other options. Well you might, but when you take those options away (sucide, drug use, eating disorders, etc) your mind in a way forces itself to cope. Just don't even have those options in your head in the first place. I'm not sure what I'm saying lol, but it seems to help me cope.

I was dxed when I was 18 with major depressive disorder, recurring, borderline personality disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. When I changed my environment and relationship all that seemed to go away. I was able to go off my meds and feel recover. I even stopping cutting. But now I have no idea what is going on. I lose my insurance in 8 weeks so there will be no money for therapy (which I'm done 3 times with so success) or any new medications.

When I saw I feel "raw" its because I'm used to being high all the time that everything was 100ft away. I didn't have to deal as much. My body will do that naturally actually. I start to dissociate when the emotions become too strong for me to be able to handle. A therapist once told me that that is common in rape victims, I can't remember a traumatic rape, but perhaps that would explain my sexual hang ups.

Just the suicidal and self injury thoughts returning is so disturbing. It has been so long and I thought I was free of the horrible torture all that was. If this is all life is going to be is a cycle of happy with more sad and hating my life than happy I might as well give up right now.

And FYI, I meant the last thread on THIS ISSUE, I'm not going to keep bitching a moaning if things don't improve. I will try to make them improve, if they do not I will deal with it and just lurk I guess.

Ok Bo, sooo Basically I should not come here and try to vent and talk over my pain with my "friends" because its going to cause the trolls to come out and tear me apart? If I can't go here where can I go???

 

[Lysis]

Definitely nix the benzos and alcohol together. I've never felt so depressed after my BF died and I did the two. I didn't realize I was depressed until I quit the benzos (still drank). Those two things together really make you feel like complete shit...worse than what you currently feel like. Get rid of at least one and avoid taking the two together!

 

[Pillthrill]

Really it is my sad attempt at escapism because there is nothing else anymore. Everything else I've been told I shouldn't take or don't have the money for.
Just the truth there.
I don't enjoy drinking and I doubt I will continue it...

 

[Lysis]

I definitely understand escapism. Even the most put-together person on the outside can have some emotional pain on the inside. I'm probably the poster child of a successful person (finally....took me 3 years to get here), but I have found that I am lonely and crave companionship. It's not easy when you feel that way, so I understand wanting something to dull the pain.

BUT, I think those two together just make it worse. It's hard to tell someone who is depressed to find x to make them happy. I'm trying to work on that myself, and I know people telling me that I need to do x, y and z won't do much good until I find it for myself.

That is probably where you are coming from, at least that is what it seems like. Once you find that little something that makes you happy, I think the allure for that depressing stuff will subside. It's always there, but you can dull it a bit. You have to want it though.

 

[sid3]

Your just in that crappy phase that always follows the acute wds from opiates. The fact that you were taking trams that also messes with serotonin is why the emotional ups and downs are even more extreme than had you been taking true opiates. Although some people can quit and not have any paws type issues, many of us do. The fatigue, depression etc makes us think the drugs would help. Aside from boredom, the pyschological yuck after quitting is the number one cause of relapse. Most will say exercise will help more than anything, but it's not guaranteed to work as well for everyone. Although it's easy for me to say, stay positive and know that it's just going to take time for you to recover. I'm starting to see more people use an AD temporarily to help their mood after quitting. If nothing else, you should feel a sense of pride for having the strenght and determination to kick thet shyt to the curb. The biggest rewards of quitting unfortunately take a few weeks/months to appear. I disagree that BL is like a prison full of miserable people. It's true that there are definitely a few that are miserable that love to try and bring other people down to make themselves feel better. But there are just as many people that are trying to better themselves, improve their quality of life, that try to help others while they're at it. Vent as much as you want, if someone decides to be a douchebag and posts their bullshit towards you just ingore them and they'll go away.

 

[Bojangles69]

Ok Bo, sooo Basically I should not come here and try to vent and talk over my pain with my "friends" because its going to cause the trolls to come out and tear me apart? If I can't go here where can I go???

Wow I'm sorry you took that the wrong way.

Its fine to say "I refuse to be labeled 'emo-girl'.." but at the same time you are baiting trolls. Think about it. You CAN'T *refuse* a social label, they are given to you by other people. By telling other people they can't call you something you ALWAYS manage a few cockwards to call you exactly what you "refuse".

ALL I was saying is its easier to say "people piss me off", or "people fucking suck" or "I wanna murder everyone I meet" because you're not really provoking a certain group of people to wanna piss you off. No offense at all was meant I'm just saying what did you honestly expect writing that sentence?

 

[drscience]

Background information: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=511964

the only way I know how to explain this to you is that I'm too "empty" to write a whole bit on this. I feel that way all the time. The deep emotional pain is returning and I either hide it or try to talk to the one I love about it without much luck. I've quit opiates but they call to me constantly. For hope, for happiness...
I dunno if I'll break with some codeine or see if I can see the Dr. and see if wanna help. I've smoked all my weed cause I can't stand the "raw-ness" so now I'm going to have to deal without that. I've had kpins around forever, but I've been mixing them with alcohol to try to dull the world around me. I feel feel like an empty failure at life but I have so much more than others do... but still nothing of my own.
I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I don't know what to do. I know another eating disorder or more drugs isn't it. This may be my last thread on all this I refuse to become labeled the "emo girl" here or IRL anymore. I refuse to look like I have failed....

Do you need someone to talk to? PM? I have the same problem, strong emotion and no-one to talk it over with. :/