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Performance Anxiety & Expectations

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ReverseThunder

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Joined
Sep 1, 2013
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Hey all, I'm kinda new here. I've ran across a few threads on here through google searches and came to like what I saw on bluelight, so I joined and am hoping to get some alright advice.

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now, however we've been together long distance for a few months. I live in California and she goes to school in Colorado. Lately we've been having a lot of communication and sex issues, and it's kinda ruining a lot. When we were together during visits before, like in May, we were having sex like 2-3 times a day, and it was always great and passionate. We were apart for 2 months and had some infidelity issues, and worked through them (still have some lingering feelings about it though). In August I stayed with her for the month. The first week we had sex only twice, and it was good. But the rest of the month, we barely did anything. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or what.

My problem: I was a virgin before I met her, so I don't last very long. I'm not the most well endowed dude, but I don't think it's a huge problem. But I am inexperienced and I wish I knew what to do more often. In August, she did make it clear to me that she wasn't being satisfied, and I don't blame her.. I blew my load way too fast, and it started becoming hard for me to maintain an erection. I started feeling really clumsy and just :p and she wasn't getting off.

My perspective: I know I'm not a sex beast. But something changed. Whenever I tried to initiate anything sexual she didn't seem interested. She seem more annoyed when I felt up on her, and even during foreplay I'd try fingering or going down on her and she would kinda swat me away or push me off, and then seem upset with me that I "won't just fuck [her] already." Even if I wasn't hard yet! She hardly made any attempt to initiate anything with me, never wanted to talk dirty to me, and when we'd try to have sex she'd literally lay there and do nothing to turn me on, and I feel that made it even more difficult for me to keep it up or do anything for her. She never wanted to accept my invitations to do anything dirty, she never wanted to try and start anything with me, but still got upset and demanded I do more?

Even now, I'm back home for a few months so she bought a vibrator and we talked about masturbating on skype together. I tried to look good and be flirty and she got upset when I asked her to get undressed and said I wasn't doing anything to turn her on?

How can I get that previous passion back? What can I do to last longer? and how can I convince her to try and help me out? How can I not be such an awkward shit. It wasn't always like this and I wanna get it back to where it was.
 
condoms are really great to help you last longer,

because of the plastic between the skin on your dick and her pussy, there is reduced sensation on the nerve endings on the penis which means the time that it will take to cum will increase

although it may reduce your pleasure (im guessing thats why you dont use them?), it will increase her pleasure which seems to be one of the reasons you guys are having problems

theres also herbal aphrodisiac supplements like maca powder (tastes good so you can just put it in a protein smoothie) which are worth exploring if you havent
 
Mysterie said:
condoms are really great to help you last longer,

because of the plastic between the skin on your dick and her pussy, there is reduced sensation on the nerve endings on the penis which means the time that it will take to cum will increase

although it may reduce your pleasure (im guessing thats why you dont use them?), it will increase her pleasure which seems to be one of the reasons you guys are having problems

theres also herbal aphrodisiac supplements like maca powder (tastes good so you can just put it in a protein smoothie) which are worth exploring if you havent
Click to expand...

I don't use condoms because we tried once or twice, even though she told me I didn't need to and it wasn't enjoyable for me at all and caused a lot of friction for her. Bareskin just feels right, and since she's on the depo-provera shot (99% effective) she likes to have me ejaculate inside her.

I'll definitely look up this maca powder. thank you.

Any word on how I can convince my girl to cooperate with me more instead of just getting angry?
 
if it caused friction did you use lube? i think you need to bring the focus on satisfying her needs above yours right now

i think once you can learn to be a better lover then it will reduce her stress levels, hopefully other ppl can chip in with other constructive ideas
 
I would have a talk with her and get it out there as to what exactly the problem is. You're clearly making an effort in trying to expand things. Trying to eat her out, suggesting dirtier stuff you guys could do, etc. So, if she doesn't want all that, what exactly does she want? She just wants to lie there and get fucked? Meh.
Find out what her deal is. Truly. Not just what she tries to pass off as what she feels/thinks. How sexually experienced is she? It sounds like you're making a pretty strong, genuine effort to make things work and you're not getting much in the way of reciprocation.

Don't obsess over cumming too quick. Lots of young guys do that. You can try jerking off before you know you're gonna have sex. I always found what worked best for me was to basically yell at myself internally and tell myself that it wasn't going to happen. The more you tell yourself something IS going to happen the more it will happen. The opposite would seem to hold true and at least for me it did.
Fact of the matter may be that she's just not the right girl for you. Or maybe she is and some of these issues just need to be worked through. Just don't suffer in silence and let your confidence go in the tank. Talk to her.
 
why has no-one mentioned the infidelity issue? who did what?

this is important.

the fact is that sometimes people are not that suited to each other sexually after the honeymoon is over. also poor communication leads to sex issues. sex itself is a physical communication technique.

either way the cheating issue is messing up the performance
 
Aside from the other stuff it sounds like you're just not sexually compatible. She probably wants someone bigger who will be a little rough and last longer. Honestly I don't see this working out.
 
1) Twoish drinks. Works like a charm for me whenever I'm having issues lasting in bed.
2) Condom with lube. Actually lube all the time.
3) I find that having some other sort of sensual input to focus on helps a lot. Be it music, me lightly digging a nail into my hand, her scratching my back, whatever, helps me not focus on the fact that I'm having sex (which is a great way for me to come pretty quickly). Or really getting lost in having sex. I think way too much so it is rare that happens but when it does I perform like a champ. I practice on other things when I beat off.
 
She might be cheating on you, who knows. The lack of sexual interest is something I'd be disconcerted about.

In terms of lasting longer, have you ever tried edging? It's an exercise in which you masturbate to just before climax, stop, and wait until your arousal tapers off to a more manageable level. Rinse and repeat. Try to build yourself up to at least 30 minutes, preferably an hour. Don't be discouraged if you cum before you mean to, just try again later. It'd also be best to not cum every time from an edging session. in other words, edge for a while, blue ball yourself, and a few hours later edge some more, and then allow yourself to finish.

But overall, the best thing you can do is simply not stress over it. Sex is sex, if you're trying your best and she's not satisfied, that's her problem. Just know that you'll eventually find someone that you are perfectly comfortable and sexually compatible with.

She's not making matters any better by being a bitch about it.

If you're really hung up over things, drugs can help. From my experience, fucking on Xanax makes me last longer than I usually do. Funnily enough, using Klonopin/Valium or any other hypnotic tranquilizer causes sleepiness and general disinterest in sex, and has made me cum quicker.
Alcohol is a great one, I'm a sex monster when I'm drunk.
Opiates will make it very hard for you to cum, although they're super addictive because they're fucking incredible.
 
Sex is a two-way street, and it sounds like she doesnt really do very much to initiate it and thats a problem. When you say she says, "Why wont you just fuck me already?" did she say that specifically or did you interpret it from something?


As far as the performance anxiety, you can expect that, especially from a relationship that is long-distance, so I dont want you to feel like there is anything wrong with you when you blow your load too soon. The fact is sex will be naturally against you because it is long-distance and that is an inert problem that wont go away.


Also, you're very right in being confused as to her intentions as far as sex. If she is not an active participant or doesnt entice you, its very strange that she not see that as a problem. That is not normal and its unfair to you to have the baggage of you initiating sex in total.


Now, I cant go into detail more because I dont know what the relationship is like. I willl say this, if her attitude is "Why dont you just fuck me already." Do it. Fuck her hard without regard for her feelings or her participation. Dont rape her, but if she allows it, she is your object and if you blow your load soon, fine. Its time to forget that anxiety in you and just do it.


Other-wise, alasdair had some good points about lasting longer, and sometimes a low-dose SSRI helps if it gets that bad.
 
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