Honestly I'm not feeling very well at all and it doesn't surprise me you were able to pick up on that. I really been struggling the past few weeks with Dope and it's gotten bad. I go through 10-20 bags a day IV, like a pincusion.i do 2-3 bag shots so I shoot up every 2 hours generally. When I started back up with it was cuz I'd run outta Buprenorphine and then I got on Methadone but I have been having hardtime shaking it off again. Im going to 1000% and when I go and pick up my takehome bottles of M-done im gonna drink one per day and not a few so I can get high, cuz then I justify the FentaDope.
I actually have completely losses my voice and now im coughing up green stuff. Haven't taken a shit in 3-4 days cuz im on such a large amount of Opioids, starting to become concerned i don't want my bowels to impact. Im gonna get myself right
@JackARoe don't worry i promise I will be healthy again really soon. I'm actually just in love with with the one woman now and I really let her down this week cuz of the drugs, im very upset with myself and now that im sobering up its really hitting home. I started talking to a therapist and it was good I told him about my struggle with Narcotics and he is very kind to me.
I've been going to NA meetings at times on Zoom and listening. I'm gonna stop man and take a break from tripping also I have to try way harder cuz I failed the 30 day hardstop miserably. Anyone who doesn't believe in Psychedelic Addiction has never walked in this shoes obviously I smoke DMT every single day pretty much and take long acting psychs 2 times a week, swirly as a mother fucker but I have to plug big amounts and/or do combos. Im gonna try and do this tho I have two different interviews this week Thurs and Fri while still working full time for this BS place. The Thursday interview is a BIG deal it's fine dining and I'll get paid alot again.
I look like straight up death and haven't slept in 3 days looking up those Facebook presses and well it turns out they are Methamphetamine...the Louis Vuitton are MDMA tho so that means have the time I have been bombing Speed and its why even now I still don't feel tired. But im done for real and have to sleep and get better for these interviews and look presentable. I have a black eye right now cuz I fell and hit my face in the bathroom when I was all fucked up.
You see one of the sketchiest parts of FentaDope is that half the time when you shoot up shots of multiple bags you blackout for awhile and I'll come to an hour or so later standing somewhere and doing something wacky, breaking things by accident. The otherday i actually came back aware standing over the toilet and inside the water was a whole bunch of twenty dollar bills...this isn't the first time I've done that either. Another time I snapped out of it completely naked but in the tub wrapped in the pulled down shower curtain. The water wasn't running tho and I was freezing cs because I had left the windows open in the winter...a day in the life.
And these are just a few of the reasons why I need to sober up ASAP. I'm going to end up overdosing again soon and I get high by myself most of the time and I have nasal Narcan kits but as you know by the the time I push the plunger down and the rush begins its already too late. A month ago I actually seriously overdosed in this drug dealers basement cuz I was on a bunch of Xanax at the time and shot up multiple times he had threw different batches of Dope that I was sampling. Well needless to say I did too much and my lips turned blue and I stopped breathing. He hit me with the Narcan and I came aware with him taking my pulse with stethoscope and screaming at me.
He called the paramedics and when he told me that I pushed him out of the way and ran, I had alot of drugs on me multiple vials of psychedelics and GHB, real Xanax footballs and fake pressed green bars of some random RC benzo. Sorry to disappoint about those but I only did them like once a month during the binge. Well anyways on the run/walk back to my town I passed out multiple times waking up in bushes and etc. You should always goto the hospital after an overdose because once the Narcan wears off you can start to OD again...
Feels good to write all that out and I know you guys love me and won't judge me. But at the sametime I'm engaging in such dangerous behavior and I need to wake up now before its too late. Tommrow is a new day and after I take the Methadone that's it, just gonna head over to my job and then come back home make something to eat and goto sleep. Gotta get stronger again I've lost a scary amount of weight over 20lbs in the past couple months and I wasn't heavy to begin with. I'm gonna do the right thing and just maybe my kitten will see me getting better and come back, or at least just talk to me I miss her so badly.
And I don't want anyone else so don't worry about that I'm a little disgusted with myself and need to do an overhaul. It's gonna be okay cuz im still alive and relatively young (mid-thirties). It's not too late it never is, I have to start loving myself more. I care about other's so much and love with all of my heart blindly, for better or worse. And now i need to stop treating my body like a drug disposal unit, a mutant hybrid never meant for full scale production. All jokes aside what you said really resonated with me and you know from or email correspondence how much I care about you dude. I'm gonna get right man so don't worry okay. Just binge watching the whole series of Midnight Gospel again about to have something to eat and drink one of these craft sofas I bought this afternoon. Little bit of root beer cuz I've been staying away from booze as much as possible. Only drank once the last couple months which is not to shabby, let's see if I can use that willpower for other substances. I love all of you guys.
~Shadow Cat
