Birthday evening activities: decent veggie pizza, good beer, Waking Life. First time I enjoyed a birthday in years~
Time to say what needs to be said:
rog said:
it sounds totally frivolous and stupid, but ever since the love of my life left me a little over a year ago, i've just been dead inside. i'm the type of person that deeply values close relationships, and that was an enormous loss to me. i don't know.... i just don't understand any of it.
Not stupid or frivolous. Likely you were in same position as now before, the joy and meaningfullness relationships provide can easily become the focus and center of a person's life. A long-term relationship obviously could and should be a pivotal support for your life and endeavors, however, it is sometimes used as a life substitute instead. Works same as drugs, but it's built into your fucking DNA, very tricky, very dangerous. With maturity I've become thankful I've never been involved in any sort of relationship, because this would be inevitable (I am prone to abnormally strong fixations. Kinda fun when it's with media, but even then kinda iffy). You're wise enough to see that the hurt isn't irreparable, and that there's no soul-mate-special-connection bullshit in existence, that you can and by all odds will form an equally wonderful a bond with someone else.
These partnerships are supposed to enrich your life as an individual, not subsume it. Being "pretty much inseparable" for nearly a decade is a red flag, makes it sound as though you two were hiding in each other. Also, you get a free hug.*
I forbid you to beat yourself up about it. I R
x you cannabis PRN, and paraphrase my psychiatrist's advice to me about drinking, which I found useful, "Two drinks per sitting, twice per week."
mgs said:
. If these two very well adjusted, incredibly good looking individuals (both of whom are like minded when it comes to entheogens) see enough in me to open their hearts and make themselves vulnerable to this former junkie (they are not hard drug users)...then trust me you won't be alone once you decide to change your outlook.
A lot of ladies romanticize healing a damaged or wayward soul, this is often entangled with more overtly pathological thought patterns/behaviors. Appearances can be deceiving (not in terms of looks, besides halo effect), plenty have it together on the outside and let their internal wounds fester in silence.
