Thanatos
Bluelighter
You think thats due to lack of marijuana in your life.
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coelophysis
Bluelight Crew
No I think it has to do with what feels like an endless benzo taper where I wish I was how I used to be, just needing weed as my daily drug. Not feeling trapped like this and demotivated. I lost my job and just go crazy all day. I have no car, and nowhere to go if I even had one.
Thanatos
Bluelighter
When did you start your taper and from what dose?
I started right around the new year, maybe a week or so before from 8mg clonazepam 4mg alprazolam and 5,600mg soma per day and I'm doing well. I'm just angry everyday, and time how by really slowly compared to what I'm used to.
Man I lost my job too because I have chronic pain and no car since I lost my liscence. All my friends are too busy for me, and live across the city.
I started right around the new year, maybe a week or so before from 8mg clonazepam 4mg alprazolam and 5,600mg soma per day and I'm doing well. I'm just angry everyday, and time how by really slowly compared to what I'm used to.
Man I lost my job too because I have chronic pain and no car since I lost my liscence. All my friends are too busy for me, and live across the city.
Thanks. I'm really looking forward to getting out of hospital.
coelophysis
Bluelight Crew
I was on around 3mgs per day after switching from a 12-15mg etizolam habit. That transition was hell , but I was only allotted 60 Kpins per month so I couldn't use them all up at first. I believe this was in November when I got onto the Clonaz. I've just been trying to taper myself pretty much for the past 2 months. There are times I can be on .5 per day, only at night for a week or two and then I fuck up and I'm back up to 2 or 3mgs per day and it makes me hate myself man, like I'm trapped forever because no matter how low I get I still have to take it. Some days I just want to throw them out, lock myself in my room and allow whatever happens to happen and just get this shit through with. I hate being dependent on things.
Losing my job sucked, now I'm cooped up, and if I do get out I just want to go back home. My mind is all whacked out. Like I said I would have nowhere to go any way. I moved to a city where I have no friends.
Thanatos
Bluelighter
If you ever new support you can always pm me, or hit me up on aim.
What happened with the job and relocation? If you don't feel comfortable here we talk on another avenue of communication.
How long were you on that etiz? My problem is that I've been on benzos for nearly a decade at high doses.
My taper might take over a yet which combined with my other psych problems is really daunting. Sometimes seems like it will never end or be over and I slip up occasionally too. Like this weekend, I took fiorecet and drank a 5th to my head 2 nights in a row on top of my benzos.
I broke 3 months of cessiate on from booze just because I got bored and now I'll probably need more benzos for weeks bc of the tolerence.
Man benzos are the fucking devil.
What happened with the job and relocation? If you don't feel comfortable here we talk on another avenue of communication.
How long were you on that etiz? My problem is that I've been on benzos for nearly a decade at high doses.
My taper might take over a yet which combined with my other psych problems is really daunting. Sometimes seems like it will never end or be over and I slip up occasionally too. Like this weekend, I took fiorecet and drank a 5th to my head 2 nights in a row on top of my benzos.
I broke 3 months of cessiate on from booze just because I got bored and now I'll probably need more benzos for weeks bc of the tolerence.
Man benzos are the fucking devil.
coelophysis
Bluelight Crew
I moved to get away from winters and I was just tired of where I lived (The NJ shore). I lost my job because I was working for a failing business pretty much. I've had stints with benzos in the past but never anything too serious. But this time I screwed myself over. I haven't been without a benzo since the end of August 2012. I know it may not seem long, but long enough for me to feel tortured by the fact that I can't just cold turkey this shit. The thing is, I don't really get anxiety. Now I do, when trying to taper, but other than that I'm not naturally ever anxious unless there is really something worth being anxious over. The etizolams were just around. My girlfriend was self medicating because she gets anxiety and since there were hundreds of them laying around I figured what the fuck, they help ya sleep. Now later down the road I finally had to admit to a doctor and get a real script. It's the first time I've not been able to kick a habit on my own. That makes me pretty mad at myself.
I tried hitting you up on AIM and it wasn't working. If you want to add me my name is explodeythepup.
I tried hitting you up on AIM and it wasn't working. If you want to add me my name is explodeythepup.
Help?!?!
Bluelighter
Unfortunately I know that feel all to well. Best way to combat it is with ex cerise and keeping active. Really hope you feel better my
Brother!
Sounds awesome Xammy!
If anyone needs to talk I'm always a PM away no matter what your problem is! Seriously
All you guys and hope the best for you!
Thanatos
Bluelighter
In sorry! I hate to hear stories like that. Benzos are insidious, you never think you'll become a slave to GABAergics when you start, but it quickly becomes quite dangerous.
Do you at least still have your girlfriend to support you?
I hit you up on aim as well.
Do you at least still have your girlfriend to support you?
I hit you up on aim as well.
coelophysis
Bluelight Crew
Yeah, we live together. I think I'm going to have her hold onto my Klonopins and give me .5 as needed. She said she'll make sure I really actually need it by talking about it before giving it to me. Should be helpful I suppose. Although I can probably do it myself.
It's hard to do anything active at all. I can talk myself out of it so quick and just spend my days wasting away.
I appreciate it though
Unfortunately I know that feel all to well. Best way to combat it is with ex cerise and keeping active. Really hope you feel better my
Brother!
It's hard to do anything active at all. I can talk myself out of it so quick and just spend my days wasting away.
I appreciate it though
Help?!?!
Bluelighter
Don't worry about it so much. I've had unbelievably hard times this year but for me if I don't at least workout dormancy becomes easy. Depression and anxiety begin to loom hard with inactivity. Just start small my brother. Do little things first and you'll naturally remember the importance of being at least a little activity. Once you remember the grace of it, it will begin to come naturally. Trust me, I went through the same thing . Times became unbelievably hard for me because of this of this, so dark I don't even want to talk about it here, but let's just say my life began to titter on the brink. This is when I began abusing benzos for the first time. I used them to numb myself. Even then my life was almost over,,,,,,
Just remember your one of the most excellent posters, and that many people truly care about you and want to succeed. Not to spiral downwards into darkened. Like I said I know that place, the tragedy that can ensue. If I didn't change I wouldn't be here to tell you this,...
Anyone I
my brother and if need be I'm only a PM away to discuss anything!
coelophysis
Bluelight Crew
That really means a lot man. I really appreciate you taking the time to say all that. I know what it takes I just don't know why I don't do it. Hopefully I can just snap out of it soon. Thanks man
Help?!?!
Bluelighter
Are you feeling down or depressed? Maybe it's the benzos I know they make a lot of people lazy and leaves them sitting on the couch. Thankfully I have paradoxical reactions where sedatives make me want to do things.
Yeah it's no problem, I would never really talk about that stuff in the open because it's very personal and I didn't want anyone to know how deep I had fallen. It's not like anyone would worry or anything but still.... Like I said take small steps at first . Clean your house, take a walk around the neighborhood, little things like that. You'll begin to remember how good and right activity is. If you don't ill be coming to your house boot camp style and whip you into shape if that's what's needed!
Seriously though I just want you to be happy, your a super great guy and I'm really happy we're friends!
Sometimes also after periods of inactivity you really need to force yourself to just do it! I know you can!
Believe me I have extreme nerve damage in both legs, it's a serious of constant agony, I had to face the hard fact that i very well never be able to do some of the things that I love.
. I also went a year and a half with no medication to even soothe the extreme pain. It makes me more of insomniac than I was before which also brings on the anxiety from only being able to get maybe six hours of sleep per night of I'm lucky. I also wake up at lest four to six times a night, ;(
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Thorns Have Roses
Bluelight Crew
psox said:
Heck yeah, it's really up in the air for the whole race. You might gain a lead, only to end up like Jacobellis. The Czech girl was great, kicking the snow and I was going to say screaming, but roaring might be more accurate. The lady snowboarders all seem really positive, and have wonderful camaraderie.
And gotta love that jazzy Ice Dancing. Virtue/Moir set the bar pretty early (fix yer darn bow-tie, Moir!) with a nearly flawless performance, then they make us wait till the end to see White/Davis be perfect. The gold is still up in the air though, and your pair doesn't fold under olympic-pressure like Patrick Chan. I also love how the commentators, from the very beginning, describe all the other pairs as competing for the bronze (they do that in other events too, but whatevs, this is US vs Canada, evenly matched). I would bet money on White/Davis, if I was a gambling man.
laika said:
How you used to be has led directly to how you are. Through your actions now, you are shaping how things will be.
Those are some worthless sentences, I know, they're just something I've been considering lately. Good vibes your way.
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Morninggloryseed
Bluelight Crew
I take it that is some euphemisms a goin on and not talk about the events in Sochi?
Thorns Have Roses
Bluelight Crew
^I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Don't sully my purity and innocence by telling me.
Morninggloryseed
Bluelight Crew
Jeez man you probably really were talking about sports. I thought the czech girl was some code word for something. I am out of it when it comes to slang terms, out of it when it comes to sports of any sort, and either way I think it's prolly me that isn't sure what I mean.
I thought the czech girl was some code word for something. I am out of it when it comes to slang terms, out of it when it comes to sports of any sort, and either way I think it's prolly me that isn't sure what I mean.
coelophysis
Bluelight Crew
Are you feeling down or depressed? Maybe it's the benzos I know they make a lot of people lazy and leaves them sitting on the couch. Thankfully I have paradoxical reactions where sedatives make me want to do things.
Yeah it's no problem, I would never really talk about that stuff in the open because it's very personal and I didn't want anyone to know how deep I had fallen. It's not like anyone would worry or anything but still.... Like I said take small steps at first . Clean your house, take a walk around the neighborhood, little things like that. You'll begin to remember how good and right activity is. If you don't ill be coming to your house boot camp style and whip you into shape if that's what's needed!
Seriously though I just want you to be happy, your a super great guy and I'm really happy we're friends!
Sometimes also after periods of inactivity you really need to force yourself to just do it! I know you can!
Believe me I have extreme nerve damage in both legs, it's a serious of constant agony, I had to face the hard fact that i very well never be able to do some of the things that I love.
I was having a shitty time staying asleep last night. Started tapering AGAIN. Was able to just jump back down to .5mg at night, some melatonin thrown into the mix and I was able to at least fall asleep. Very strange dreams of tripping balls at a Bluelight meet up. I woke up about 4 times and decided to give into the morning once it was light out. Hopefully today will be better and hopefully I can maintain that taper. We'll see how it goes. I appreciate you as a friend so much Help, I never realized how much you regarded me as a friend, or perhaps I took it for granted. I hope we get to chill one day.
NKB - Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'll try to keep them close to my mind and work to change, it's all I can really do.
I didn't mean to make this thread a debbie downer thread there for a little, sorry about that. Just needed to vent I guess because I never really tell anyone at all about my struggles with what I'm going through, not my closest friends or my very minute amount of family members.
Here's a song I made last night - https://soundcloud.com/messlessier/blackness It should also show a picture of a drawing I did the night before. So at least I'm TRYING to force some creativity back into my life, even though I know I need much more than that right now.
pharmakos
Bluelighter
^ good stuff laika
MGS -- could you relink that full album you made? i gotta bookmark it for the next time i trip (which isn't going to be for a while).... i don't want to lose/forget about it tho
MGS -- could you relink that full album you made? i gotta bookmark it for the next time i trip (which isn't going to be for a while).... i don't want to lose/forget about it tho
Thorns Have Roses
Bluelight Crew
On the subject of music, I saw these guys play once, they're kind of completely awesome. You haven't heard of them, because the world does not appreciate bass clarinet duos. Oh, and let me say, their arrangement of Tocatta and Fugue is delightful.
It's code for Eva Samkova, she also had someone draw a mustache on her before the event, which is apparently her thing.
You stay classy, Czech Republic.
Pffft. I do that more often than anyone else. Cool tune btw (soundcloud actually works for me now, yeah).
Anyway, I've been considering what I ought to do with myself, and most importantly, being an unskilled laborer sucks, and only leads to a life of poverty. I don't think I have the patience or discipline to manage pursuing a degree at present (and academia is bad for my mental health). So going to a vocational/trade school (I don't know the terminology, you know what I mean) seems like the best option, as I can positively affect the rest of my life within a reasonable period of time. There's nothing I find particularly interesting, so if anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
It's code for Eva Samkova, she also had someone draw a mustache on her before the event, which is apparently her thing.
You stay classy, Czech Republic.
laika said:
Pffft. I do that more often than anyone else. Cool tune btw (soundcloud actually works for me now, yeah).
Anyway, I've been considering what I ought to do with myself, and most importantly, being an unskilled laborer sucks, and only leads to a life of poverty. I don't think I have the patience or discipline to manage pursuing a degree at present (and academia is bad for my mental health). So going to a vocational/trade school (I don't know the terminology, you know what I mean) seems like the best option, as I can positively affect the rest of my life within a reasonable period of time. There's nothing I find particularly interesting, so if anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
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