swilow
Bluelight Crew
I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't know what sort of skills or education you've had, but you've always seemed like a truly erudite and intelligent guy- can you find some sort of gig that allows you to work from home?So I moved out of Saginaw to a small town closer to "home" for me, in the Thumb of Michigan. Still on disability unfortunately, have not been able to find a job I can handle with how much chronic fatigue I have since going through my four years of chemotherapy. My rent/bills here are way higher than it was in Saginaw, haven't been able to afford anything but necessities. Which means I can't even afford cannabis.... Which has been hell on my chronic pain, my inflammatory bowel disease, and my sleep. I thought moving to a new town might give me a fresh start sort of thing but I've been absolutely fucking miserable since I've been here.
In my third year of chemo, before I started my year long course of oxaliplatin, my doctor sat me down to ask me if I even wanted to keep doing treatment. She said my quality of life would be permanently lowered, possibly to an extreme degree. And, well, she was right. Genuinely been wondering lately if I shouldn't have just let the cancer take me. I hate living in disability, I feel like a leech and a burden, but I don't see a way out. If I wasn't 100% sure that my 16 year old cat Pumpkin would probably follow me in death shortly after she lost me (from heartbreak and loneliness, no one would be able to take care of her the way I do, she's a very unique cat with unique needs) I'd be considering just offing myself and being done with it all.
No car and no public transportation in this little town. With my extensive peripheral nerve damage I'm under strict doctors orders to not spend much time outside in the cold months. Genuinely have no idea how I'd be able to work any time soon, walking to work is out of the question -- I wouldn't be very useful at any given job after walking a mile in the cold to get there, between my neuropathy and my fatigue.
I'm a librarian, and find that this job is just perfect for my temperament. I've struggled to stay employed over my adult life due to addiction and physical/mental health issues, and got blasted from what I thought was my dream job andecade ago after coming to work and getting absolutely fucking insanely dissociated. Ended up having a terrible seizure, falling and fracturing my skull and being comatose for a few weeks and hospitalised for 2.5months. I'm in a situation whereby I've inherited quite a lot of wealth/resources but I was terrified of being stuck at home for the rest of my life. Somehow, I managed to get a really nice gig at a public library and have worked myself up to second in charge, which pays well and is really easy and pleasant. My point is that when i was in hospital and basically unable to think or remember anything, I was sure that I was done for. Lo and behold, with a bit of effort and some luck, I found a decent way to live. I think you can too
