Hey PD, I'm back after 9 days of visiting family. So motherfucking intense, good, bad, everything. I would like to relate some of it for decompression purposes... this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness, I just received some of the old batch of 3-MeO that produces hypomania and I'm just gonna barf it all out (the words that is, not the 3-MeO).
So my girl came with me, which was awesome. She has met my immediate family before, once, but none of my old friends or extended family. I've been pretty nervous about her meeting them because they are all Chicago people, loud, kind of abrasive, quite "standard" and city-like, and she's very quiet, kinda shy, and a hippie raised in the rural mountains. To her Asheville is too large (though she's been all over including living in Japan and Switzerland), so Chicagoland is pretty overwhelming (it is to me too, always has been but especially now it is after almost 10 years in the mountains).
Well, we got there, and my dad (who has late-stage ALS) is not doing well at all. So there was this underlying tension the whole time, I mean I felt it for sure, it's really fucked up, my dad is just always miserable, he can't even pee himself, or move his arm over (he can still use his fingers somewhat, and talk but with some difficulty). he has a feeding tube now, he can still eat some but it's hard, and he has a breathing assist machine he uses half the day, his breathing is down to ~30%. He is the type of person who hates to be a burden, and he has always been the type to do things for others. His state now is like his worst nightmare. He is so over it, I think he is just waiting for death most of the time, and he is actually pretty hard to be around because of the negative energy he has. When this thing started, he was so positive about it, he was saying he has everything he needs, people he loves, at least he's not in pain, at least his mind isn't going. He was saying he wanted to have artificial respiration eventually and the Stephen Hawking computer voice, and he'd be good.
Well, that was when he could still do stuff. Now he struggles to breathe, struggles to eat, takes benzos 3-4 times a day for anxiety, everything makes him tired, my mom has to wipe his ass. I had to pull his dick out and hold it for him to pee multiple times, he hates it so much. He finds it impossible to find joy in almost anything. He'll smile for you real tight for like 2 seconds if he realizes you really want to see him happy but it doesn't go past the face. It's absolutely crushing to see it, it's my dad, he sacrificed his life for us. He thought we needed so much more than we did, he was raised with the expectation of providing wealth for his family. It's helped me many times in my life, I feel fortunate, but fuck, I'd feel more fortunate to have a healthy, happy dad. He slowly succumbed to chronic stress in an attempt to provide the "American dream" for his family, he sacrificed his health and happiness. I appreciate it but we didn't need all that. He's such a great, amazing dude. When the family business started going under, he literally took absolutely no pay for 2 years so he could keep as many employees as possible for as long as possible because that's the kind of guy he is, he knew he would be fine without it and his employees neeeded it more than him, and they'd been faithful employees and he owed them that. He lived his whole life for everyone else and now, right when he retired and was looking forward to finally relaxing and living for himself, with my mom, and traveling and doing all the things they always wanted to do, he got fucking ALS, which I swear to god is the worst disease there is, it's so overwhelmingly sad to see him succumb to it because it's crushing his soul and making him hate the end of his life. He is so upset that our last memories of him will be the way he is now. Well, he is afraid that all we will remember is him as a helpless burden (and honestly it is a burden, as horrible as that is, he requires constant care in every aspect, he gets frustrated really easily, it's hard to be around him. My mom seems like half the time she can hardly stand to be around him and they've always been best friends and so close and sweet, it's so heartbreaking to see, it hurts them both so much. She's taking care of him every single day, all the time, 24/7/365. There is tension between them I have never seen before and I can't blame either of them, it's just the world's shittiest situation).
Anyway I have felt really numb to it most of the time, like I can't process it, except every so often the reality of it will slip through. Well after just trying to be there for him all week, and doing the best I could, it was the last night and I was about to go to bed. I had played piano for him, sat down at the grand piano I learned to play on, and played from my soul for hours, it was the first time he had really heard my modern music, I just played whatever, played out the pain, played some christmas songs in the middle of it by ear, made a medley. It meant so much to him, I could see the tears in his eyes and for a short time he was happy. Anyway I realized it was time to say bye to him for the trip, and it suddenly hit me that the next time I see him he might not be able to talk. The next time I see him it might be because I am traveling back to be there for the end. He's really close to the end. I just gave him a hug for a long time and told him I love and appreciate him. I had the hugest lump in my throat. Then I realized he was crying, struggling to breathe and talk, but he told me that he's so proud of me, that he used to be so worried about me but that he is proud of the choices I've made and the person I've become and the talent I've been pursuing, and that he couldn't be happier for me. And it felt like he was saying bye, like forever. Like, goodbye son, I love you, I want you to know how I feel before I sleep forever. And I just started uncontrollably crying, not sobbing, just tears, tears, pain, pain, it all hit me at once like a river, I hadn't been allowing it to affect me, denial I suppose, but here it is, my dad is about to die and he's gonna be gone and he's suffering so much but even in the midst of this all he cares to communicate to me is that he is proud of me. I'm crying as I write this, I've been randomly crying ever since, I talked to my girlfriend about it for 13 hours on and off the whole way home, interspersed with trying not to cry because I had to be able to see and drive 700 miles. He told me, this sucks because I feel like I'm saying bye forever, but I'm not... right? And the way he said "...right?", with all this pain and fear in his eyes, was just so sad and it hurt so much. My mom (who is normally in denial about this) was crying behind us and then afterwards I just hugged her and she clutched me desperately for at least 5 minutes and just bawled and I cried and my dad just sat there in pain watching us and there's nothing any of us can do about it.
Just, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, the world is fucking crazy sometimes, it makes no sense, why couldn't my dad just be able to grow old and see his future grandchildren and enjoy his time with the love of his life and not have to fucking hate the end of his life and feel like a piece of shitty burden, a keen mind stuck in a hunk of useless meat that has to be cared for constantly and slowly chip away at the regard of his wife towards him as a man. What a fucked up thing, if there was ever someone who deserved to have a happy late stage of his life it's my dad. He'll only be 60 in March.
...
Anyway, my girl came into this situation and it was really intense for her, but she handled it amazingly well. Also every single day was an endless stream of meeting people. She did well with all of it although it was obviously really intense for her. She was really there for me the whole time. She didn't feel like hanging out with me and my friends really late, but she told me I should have my guy time and just went to bed. Basically she's perfect, I love her more all the time, certainly more after this trip, we got even closer. It's actually the first time she's seen me cry. All my friends and family liked her. I feel like they didn't get to know her very well but she takes a while to get to know because she's quiet and she doesn't open herself up very quickly.
I saw my best friend since second grade, he is my brother really, feels like it, he's been my friend longer than my actual brother has been alive, we've been through everything together as kids. I hadn't seen him in 2 years. He has gone through 3 previous stages of near-total destruction from drugs, first coke, then alcohol, then opiates/heroin. He got off them all but has a ton of stress in his life and a lot of self-esteem issues, not really helped by his family. Well, we hung out and he is now doing meth a bunch (he tried to downplay it but it's obvious, he looks methy, lost 60 pounds in 6 months - which is good actually because he used to be really fat - his teeth are kinda fucked and he looks like 10 years older). We stayed up all night the first night doing it and talking about everything, by the way, I get it now, last time I did meth I was on opiates and found there to be a lot of negatives but honestly I really liked it this time, not that I care to get any, but it was fun. He is such a good dude, all he cares about is bringing good into the world through music, he gigs a lot and teaches kids music, he decided to do that because he feels it's the best thing he can do for the world. Everything he does is focused on making the world a better place. But his brother and family and people around him do not get that. So he drugs himself constantly and doesn't take care of himself. I had an awesome time hanging out, saw him a bunch, it had been 2 years, the longest stretch of time ever not seeing him. he and I shared a bunch of great conversations, but everyone else saw his methy mask, he has always used humor to deflect social anxiety and it used to be great and make everyone laugh but these days it's taken on an edge of desperation and weirdness. I overheard my sister basically just talking shit, she was like, yeah, I used to look up to him as a big brother, but now I don't, oh well, like she just cast him aside because he was making her uncomfortable or something. I thought it was really fucked up, my sister can be like that, very dismissive of people. I'm like, damn, he was your brother huh? Would you just cast me aside too? What the fuck, that's cold-blooded. I'm really glad he didn't hear her, he would have been devastated, he loves her like a sister. But yeah I'm worried about my bro, he's almost destroyed himself with drugs 3 times now and every other time he's had his parents around eventually to help keep him grounded but this time he's off living with his cokehead, egomaniac, abusive brother, surrounded by a bunch of drug fiends. I really hope he doesn't go off the rails.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
But anyway I did get to see an old friend and his wife and they were doing great, and we had an amazing time. Got some great gifts, music equipment, etc. The trip was a rollercoaster, half of it was really good, but the bad/worrisome parts are what I am trying to process. It was so intense, I feel drained. Just looking forward to band practice tonight, gonna get to reunite with my Asheville friends and just play it out.
Hope you guys all had a good holiday time. Much love my brethren.
