TheAppleCore
Bluelighter
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- Jul 14, 2007
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Remember, folks... meditation is the one activity you don't do.
☮ Social ☮ PD Social: Nexus for gibberish of the psychedelicized genius and veritably insane
- Thread starter Thorns Have Roses
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pharmakos
Bluelighter
LSDMDMA&10716666 said:
i never understood why they make Steel Reserve "High Gravity"
its already hard enough to walk when you're drunk
Roger&Me
Bluelighter
I wanna get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, soooooo high :D
LSDMDMA&
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2010
- Messages
- 12,829
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skxi4NTqFlw&feature=related
that's been my get high jam (what i get high to nowadays)
shooting up to that song is insane IMO.
strangely, the last few times i shot dope, i was rushin mad good, real proper (off like 2 bag shots), when before, teh first 2-3 times i shot heroin, i was liek "meh only point is that its cheaper to shoot than snort".
Llamaz theory: If you shoot dope while high already off snorting dope, then you aint get no rush/shootin D is a letdown.
If you shoot dope and you haven't already been blowin bags all night, then feelsincredibleman.
shootin dope aint had shit on shootin crystal though IMO. next time i pick up crystal i'mma try what i've been told the CA dogs call goofballin.
Cause fuck smoking the shit, you get more batshit insane smoking it than you do shooting it in my limited experience.
Only problem with IV stimulants (or at least IV methamphetamine, i've never IV'd any other stimulants other than methamphetamine/what was supposed to be 4MAR but if that shit wasn't just ridiculously strong meth then i dont know what meth is).
that shit i got last time i had meth, shit was supposed to be 4MAR, if that shit wasn't meth then i dont know the characteristics of meth. looked like meth, tasted like meth, smoked like meth, dissolved up real good like meth (like .15 shots in 15-20 units of water easy no problem just gotta stir it for a minute).
that's been my get high jam (what i get high to nowadays)
shooting up to that song is insane IMO.
strangely, the last few times i shot dope, i was rushin mad good, real proper (off like 2 bag shots), when before, teh first 2-3 times i shot heroin, i was liek "meh only point is that its cheaper to shoot than snort".
Llamaz theory: If you shoot dope while high already off snorting dope, then you aint get no rush/shootin D is a letdown.
If you shoot dope and you haven't already been blowin bags all night, then feelsincredibleman.
shootin dope aint had shit on shootin crystal though IMO. next time i pick up crystal i'mma try what i've been told the CA dogs call goofballin.
Cause fuck smoking the shit, you get more batshit insane smoking it than you do shooting it in my limited experience.
Only problem with IV stimulants (or at least IV methamphetamine, i've never IV'd any other stimulants other than methamphetamine/what was supposed to be 4MAR but if that shit wasn't just ridiculously strong meth then i dont know what meth is).
that shit i got last time i had meth, shit was supposed to be 4MAR, if that shit wasn't meth then i dont know the characteristics of meth. looked like meth, tasted like meth, smoked like meth, dissolved up real good like meth (like .15 shots in 15-20 units of water easy no problem just gotta stir it for a minute).
Thou
Bluelighter
Oh then I won't say congratulations if that's not your thing. Shit! Sorry the word just kind of slipped out, went and said it anyway it seems. :D
Cool on the Ubuntu, but I personally preferred setting it up as dual boot on my laptop instead of virtualizing. I think it's called GRUB that can interact with the boot loader/replace it.
Sweet that you're writing instead of drinking so much.I can't promise anything since I rarely venture outside of PD but pop in and announce it when it's all done! I started a book as well but not a novel, more like a handbook for exotic drugs instead
Congratulations and other emotional endearments are always welcome, come come don't be silly now.
Yeah, the writing is like life; it's a killer. It's hard to write with the absence of certain drugs sometimes, alcohol included (hemingway cough cough), and the presence of the very same at different times just the same. It's hit and miss, and thank goodness for revision. Most of my best stuff comes out after being triggered by some emotional response to a real life situation, meandering, or revery, and whatever loosens up the tongue and fingers in these moments to capitalize on the spark is much in favor.
I got into electronic music for a bit, before that analog with guitars etc, before realizing I just wasn't that great and/or interested, and had been putting off formal writing for a decade out of a loathsome self-consciousness.
I'm far too old now to give a damn if what I write is shit, even if I'm the only one who thinks so.
Though I sympathize with the 'interest hop-scotch' kick, as it were, and we intellectuals are finnecky and have trouble finding a subject worthy of full devotion, with so many options in this age of technology and madness we've found ourselves in.
No dope
have this instead
only ever been drunk once in 8th grade.
the last time i drank, i drank a 40 of colt 45 and puked it back up 5 miins after finishing (cause i drank the whole fuckin thing in 5 mins, and i was on dope)
I had just downed two of these at the time of my last post in this thread.
"Life itself is a disease with a very poor prognosis. It lingers on for years and invariably ends with death!"
C.G. Jung
LSDMDMA&
Bluelighter
- Joined
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dudes its hilarious
i can snort 3 bags of heroin (the local dope, i prob couldn't of good like philly shit, but hell the first time i did heroin ever, i snorted a whole 20 of raw from baltimore and i didn't puke, even though i was noddin hard as fuck before i finished half of it...) and not puke ever (and dope makse me munch the FUCK out, idk why but for real, every time i do heroin i get hungry), but last night, i drank half that 40 right, then i took another swig, and right after that (i drank the half in about 3-5 mins) vomiting ERRWHERE
y can i not hold alkyhol but i can do .15 shots of bomb ass crystal and do 3 bag shots of dope and not puke or anything
i can snort 3 bags of heroin (the local dope, i prob couldn't of good like philly shit, but hell the first time i did heroin ever, i snorted a whole 20 of raw from baltimore and i didn't puke, even though i was noddin hard as fuck before i finished half of it...) and not puke ever (and dope makse me munch the FUCK out, idk why but for real, every time i do heroin i get hungry), but last night, i drank half that 40 right, then i took another swig, and right after that (i drank the half in about 3-5 mins) vomiting ERRWHERE
y can i not hold alkyhol but i can do .15 shots of bomb ass crystal and do 3 bag shots of dope and not puke or anything
yucatanboy2
Bluelighter
LMA, its nice to see you around PD. I nearly lit my table on fire while serving absinthe (the whole flaming sugar cube thing) for myself. I don't think my wife was amused.
Thorns Have Roses
Bluelight Crew
^I have never heard of there being fire involved.
PS - hooray for medicated eye drops! This is so much nicer than before.
Going to a bbq lunch thing at my aunt's tomorrow, and I sincerely hope they have booze. My family tends not to at gatherings, and it's an endless source of consternation for me. Not sure about where/if I'll go to see fireworks, ended up missing'em last year.
PS - hooray for medicated eye drops! This is so much nicer than before.
Going to a bbq lunch thing at my aunt's tomorrow, and I sincerely hope they have booze. My family tends not to at gatherings, and it's an endless source of consternation for me. Not sure about where/if I'll go to see fireworks, ended up missing'em last year.
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LSDMDMA&
Bluelighter
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- Feb 6, 2010
- Messages
- 12,829
yo dogz
Happy2c-ib
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2007
- Messages
- 60
Hi Guys. Got a gram of 5-IT, came up properly about 16 hours ago and after one too many re-doses and still cruising.
I was going to do the AMT/MXE combo but i read so many mixed reports about aMt that i've just let it sit there.
I was going to do the AMT/MXE combo but i read so many mixed reports about aMt that i've just let it sit there.
NeighborhoodThreat
Bluelight Crew
I don't think mixing AMT with 5-IT is a good idea at all...
Roger&Me
Bluelighter
Holy crap, these grooves are at maximum crunchiness!
Delsyd
Bluelight Crew
Gosh, I love the strip club. I got my gf to go with me tonight and it was a freakin blast.
I made it rain :D
I love boobies
Also tried some 6-apb the other night. Holy crap is it a lot like MDA.
I took 110mg. Physically the 110mg of APB had me rolling about as hard as 200mg of MDMA, I had strong nystagmus at points, sweat a lot, puked on the come up, and colors became very saturated like on a lower dose of a 2C. Euphoria was difinately there but not as strong as MDMA, but then again MDA euphoria isn't as strong either.
I really enjoyed it and look forward to trying it at 150mg next time and hopefully go a little further into the trip i felt on the brink of. I'm also real curious about combining it with K or MXE on the tail end to potentiated the trippiness and the euphoria (I'm pretty certain that's exactly what would happen on this combo for me)
It is for sure the closest thing to a real MDxx that I've tried.
I made it rain :D
I love boobies
Also tried some 6-apb the other night. Holy crap is it a lot like MDA.
I took 110mg. Physically the 110mg of APB had me rolling about as hard as 200mg of MDMA, I had strong nystagmus at points, sweat a lot, puked on the come up, and colors became very saturated like on a lower dose of a 2C. Euphoria was difinately there but not as strong as MDMA, but then again MDA euphoria isn't as strong either.
I really enjoyed it and look forward to trying it at 150mg next time and hopefully go a little further into the trip i felt on the brink of. I'm also real curious about combining it with K or MXE on the tail end to potentiated the trippiness and the euphoria (I'm pretty certain that's exactly what would happen on this combo for me)
It is for sure the closest thing to a real MDxx that I've tried.
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Thorns Have Roses
Bluelight Crew
^Strip clubs? I don't see the appeal, but whatever floats your boat man.
In other news, Red Trolley tastes like San Diego. Which is to say, I have a fondness for it.
In other news, Red Trolley tastes like San Diego. Which is to say, I have a fondness for it.
PepperSocks
Bluelight Crew
Ha, 31 hour long post, I was expecting a long post, but one that was supposed to have been done 30 hours ago! 8(
Green= Yesterday Plain= Today (I got interrupted)
I had a few trials with 5-meo-DMT, low dose, not high enough for breakthrough; I was way too scared from what many reports described, but yearned for the experience described in glowing reports (a year or two later I ended up having a ++++ on a plain ol' 2C-I trip listening to music in my basement, was rolling along with a heavy +++ and it just slipped over). When I did low doses of 5-meo-DMT it was like all the nerves in my head were super sensitive, everything tensed right up, generally felt like a substance that was super excitatory, not pleasant. felt like a poison was in me. I tried a few times, same thing every time; didn't feel much like trying the 'breakthrough' dose over 10mg.
The only 4-subs that felt bad were actually the mix contained in mushrooms; they always dig into me good. 4-AcO-DMT is my favorite of that group though and many say it's just a prodrug for mushrooms' main ingredient (I agree it metabolizes to -OH but there's timing in there and the -AcO may bind and have different properties while it survives). I haven't tried any of the DPT's, MET's, etc. 4-AcO-DiPT is the only other one I've had. It's one hell of a ride; just don't combine with monoamine releasers (especially 5-HT), combo'd with bk-MDMA had me feeling on the verge of a seizure.
Yeah, L-Theanine feels so great while it works. It's also pretty expensive.
2mg: 30 minutes - 8 hours [Oh my insides, I'm gonna puke, I'm gonna crap, I can't do either. Everything's so unbearably tight.] Very rough come up, resorted to taking some diazepam to ease it which worked without completely killing it, but that come up feeling lasted the whole time that was supposed to be the actual peak/trip. After 8 hours it eased up more and I was on the bright, soft plateau, now that was wonderful; lasted a good 12 hours too.
To be fair it was just the one time, maybe stomach wasn't feelin right to start with, etc. From what I hear/read, if you hit it right, it's one of the best, consistent euphorias there is.
This thread is what got me into bluelight. Joined as a newb for the info and used my account for that purpose about a few times a year until 2008 I saw this sticky, opened it, replied to someone's post, they replied back and the rest is history. Until that happened my 3 year old account had about 30 posts to it; back when Bluelighter status was granted at 20 posts. Kept on posting, and because I'd spend much of the previous three years tripping and scouring Erowid, TOTSE, and BL itself I'd absorbed quite a bit of knowledge and started responding to people's threads. When the positions for mods came up I started memberating (very quickly responding to a new thread with a good answer and/or directing them with a link from the index; exactly what mods did).
Actually there are quite a few members here who go unnoticed in their memberating, good answers given even when it can get tedious.
And yeah; cat-sitting? throw it outside, let it find some mice.
Kudos on the Canada day celebration. This is one of the first Canada days that I did nothing, except lied around and got high, per usual, and the parliament buildings are about a 10 minute walk away. I saw the fireworks at parliament a few years ago and it was the most intense I'd ever seen. This time I just heard the booms. It's my first year living here and all my friends are back home, I would have gone if there were people I knew to go with.
Hahahahaha, back when I was a mod we tried to address this issue by having the giant Index link flashing. I asked an admin to change it back to normal because it was driving me nuts. lol
Yes, Dondante always comes in here with awesome pictures from all these awesome places he ends up in. *Jealous fist shake*
Oh man where I am at home, if you go in the woods, all day long the deer flies are adhesive, they buzz around you in swarms. DEET helps a bit, one time I forgot it and I payed for it. Two bites on my left hand had it swollen right up. Luckily they don't seem to be able to latch and bite as quickly as a mosquito, but when they make the connection they inject lots of their own brand of inflammatory itch inducer, about on par with 10 mosquito bites on the same spot. Unlike mosquitos it seems weird how they're attracted to your scent, swarm you, but the primary reason seems to just annoy the crap out of you. Darn annoying lifeforms that serve no purpose [for saying that, watch them all be gone tomorrow and the entire biosphere collapse within a month due to their absense.] Thanks Svalbard :D
The fluni. and dissoc. are definitely bad ones for you man, I advise against. A 'not-mangled' opi(ate)(oid) evening of comfort isn't a bad thing. I wouldn't do it the very night before leaving, but if I were to never do drugs again it might be an experience I'd like to have.
The -ate -oid thing; most know what they separately classify (read some wikipedia pages if you don't; it's simple, but getting to the page and reading info that goes further is encouraged; the more ya know). If it were a professional paper, writing a BL wiki or even 1st post in a B&D I'd use proper terminology. In casual conversation I find 'opiate' just feels more natural and the basic message of what you mean is carried. If someone said I was using opiates too much, I'd just switch to fentanyl.
BTW the -ate known as morphine beats the -oid oxycodone for me, but oxy comes in a close second. I can't say whether it's subconscious notions I have of calm, peaceful, Victorian era England, it's association with morphine and the general opiate effects (mental influence), or the actual drug.
ze beekay emdyemay; It's produced some powerful experiences in me, and for me that goes next to MDMA in the 'psychedelic-entactogenic' spectrum. If I were beginning, I might have a hard time discerning the two besides duration.
I'm kinda divided on the psych before rehab thing I opined on last night. It's such a personal thing, no one knows the answer. In order to minimize neural tiredness when going in, I wouldn't take any 5-HT releasers. For me it'd be a light, easy phenethylamine experience (maybe 2C-C), enough to cross that empathic barrier but not strenuous or transmitter dumping. I find trypts just too psychologically strenuous, even if their pharmacology is favoured, there's more risk of making things worse.
First off, message received and reciprocated. Second, glad to see you go for something like that and stamp it out of your life.
However if I were to choose my last or last few drug experiences before going to rehab they would not involve psychedelics; leave therapy for the rehab. I can see it now, feeling cured in the afterglow of a wonderful trip and cancel the rehab; lol. Well maybe not that, but I wouldn't want a psychedelic experience right before rehab. I'd go the (outdoor)-stimulant/ opiate/benzo route. Those are the ones that are hard to kick. Maybe have a last hurrah or maybe you'll see how you really don't want to take those things anymore.
I'm on 2-FMA right now, among others, see below.. but yeah it's like dexamp but not quite as clear or energetic, I find it pretty mellow.
Main culprit was 3-FA along with bumps of racemic, that got larger as the night turned to morning. I vividly recall the size of those 2 last ones. A third of one would have been ~10-15mg, normally enough to last me for the majority of the active part of a day, swallowed after breakfast. It didn't seem to matter how big the lines were* +; there seemed to be a ceiling effect where I wasn't getting higher. That was by a large margin the most I've taken, also through a more direct route (nasal), in a night and all in all wasn't that great. There was lot of compulsive, repetitive behaviour, my baseline unhealthy level of hypervigilance was increased. While trying to be quiet, setting things down softly, open/close zippers slowly, I'm sure my roommate next door could hear me rustling around, and likely heard me trying to quietly as I could, hoover up that precious drug infused mucus that formed even if I cleared my nose beforehand. Ugh, I'm sure he knows what I've been up to lately, the paper thin wall likely doesn't block the sound of pill bottle rattles, soft knife taps and the subsequent mucus hold. He's extremely reserved, but has some good summer job as a political internship thing; which I guess he must be able to carry on convos to get that job and keep it; it's not calculating something in the corner of a lab. Based on mannerisms and general vibe if I were to take a guess I'd think he's pretty anti-drug. But I dunno, I think I'm reserved but I can carry on a conversation whereas he never initiates his own topic. The most we see each other/talk is when we get in at approximately the same time and cross paths in the kitchen or hall, simply exchanging "hey, how's it goin'"s. I don't like feeling so detached from people I'm in such proximity with. That's actually one of the main things I hate about the city bus. Initiating a simple conversation is felt as taboo and an invasion their psych-isolation bubble. If people don't want to talk I understand, I get like that often, if I see it on someone's face I wouldn't intentionally bother them, but even with people that I view as not being averse to talking, there's an overhanging social rule that strongly inhibits the formation of a conversation.
In all honesty I think it's rooted when we're taught as children not talk to strangers and to view anyone who is an unkown teenager or adult as a threat. I bet it may prevent some kidnappings, but I feel in me anyway that the Bearstein Bears book about strangers that was read to me as a child laid a solid foundation for social fear and isolation.
* Although the trip was waning a bit before that, at that moment the micro GC/MS I had installed in my basal ganglia sent a 'yellow light' signal on DA level to my PFC.
Yeah, my self-control of yesteryear is gone.. definitely quitting.
+ Picked up computer, resumed typing from mid-sentence drop off. lol
Given timing and wanting to continue but not be up after sunrise I took and honest to goodness ~10mg bump of the race-amp of a knife-tip, being quiet and all worked this time, only a couple sucks had any amp-mucus ball formed relocated to within my sinus. While I was at it I took my due pregabalin, ~5mg diaz, magnesium/vit C. I don't have to wake up early tomorrow but I gotta get my schedule around, on my off nights I should be asleep by 3 (being pretty generous there IMO), not happening tonight but I have to stop seeing the sunrise.
hm, lordy I could cry. Two of my favorite, most influential phenethylamines in such nice states and quantities.. I'd be pretty disheartened.
____
(yesterday) Right now (7am, been up all night): A few moments ago there were two lines of racemic amphetamine nicely chopped up. A few weeks ago 1/3 of one of those lines taken orally would given me an amazing high. The other line remains, I'll likely swallow it when I wake up this afternoon. About an hour ago I took some kratom, oxy, and diazepam. I'm currently watching a bunch of old guys fly a space shuttle mission which I know will ultimately end with Tommy Lee Jones fastened to the front of a front of a huge rocket aimed at the moon, and manages to make a landing soft enough that he isn't killed. From the track of footsteps leading to where he's sitting with his back against a rock, one has to assume he peacefully died by gradual oxygen depletion from his spacesuit while watching the earth.
After that, I hope to catch some winks, and make it to physics lecture at 4. See, I've had anxiety issues pretty much since puberty began. I've grown up with a stutter, been rejected from the in-crown from a young age, but maintained the ability to keep one friendship that's kind of floated through the years until about 5-6 years ago when we just started hanging out again. I've known him since I was 3; before there was ever such a thing as coolness or popularity. In grade 7 or 8 we kind of had a harem of girls as mutual friends, while being friends the entire time, one afternoon out of nowhere this struggle for dominance thing kicked in and we broke into fisty cuffs. We made up after the fight, but by and large we lived separate lives in high school and a year or two after. I guess at out 'sort of' lows, feeling lonely we hooked up again, but he still had/has his small group of friends he retained from high school (I had a falling out with mine, we didn't have anything in common anyway), his friends became my friends. One of which I have a very strong connection with, on the level of best friends; he my only possible tripping partner, and one of two people I've had real psychedelic experiences with. He really only trips when I do, and it's usually when camping.
Anyways, the one I've known since I was 3 has anxiety issues too, he has an easier time getting/keeping friends, not feeling rejection as the default platform. He can't trip though, he can't handle it and he's borderline alcoholic. This tiny social group of mine (my only real social interaction with those my age) is back home. The two of them went camping this past weekend, I felt I had to come back here to get ready for this physics course (should have gone camping).
To sum up; at the end of the main school year at the end of April, I was a wreck by the time exams were done. After a week or so of recovery and not looking like I crawled out of a coffin I had my first appointment with my new doc to get this anxiety shit taken care of because I've had it for too long and I need to meet new people in this new city, so completely out of my comfort zone. I could tell we had a good rapport and while he's a total pansy of an overly well manicured nerd, I can actually talk to him about specific drugs and pharmacology. Telling him about my anxiety we acknowledged the $200/hr CBT wouldn't work for me so there's this online CBT program that just kind of shows how thoughts/emotions form each other. We both agree meds would be warranted for this, again I get asked what direction I want to go. I say not ssri/snri's, long story short, I walk out with 150mg pregabalin per day. Next month's follow up he weighs keeping the same dosage, waiting longer for it to (possibly) work, upping the dosage to the recent GAD trial 'optimal' max of 450mg/day, with the option of me taking less if I wanted.
The first couple days on 150mg/day felt great, the first week of the 3-fold increase felt great, it's been neutral other than those two periods, and the recent decline into weird/weak/crap land.
I'm gonna take a bump off that other line, as I recently found out, after staying up all night, I thought the best course of action to re-calibrate my sleep schedule is to just power through and go to bed at 9pm. I swallowed ~50-75mg (knife-tip full) of 3-FA fully expecting it to do exactly that based on how it's affected me in the past. I passed out an hour later, right when sleep opposing effects are normally peaking. Thus, when it's really time for sleep, my mind shuts down regardless of recent stimulant intake.
Just got back in comfy position; Tommy Lee Jones is on his way to the moon on his rocket powered, Soviet-built orbital nuclear missile silo and I think I'm going to watch another one after this.
Anyways, pregabalin's resultant state of wonky-headed, physically weak, and generally shitty feeling. It's not shitty if you don't ever do anything, have a bunch of money, and can just lay around watching movies and sleeping 10-12 hours every night.
Being an alpha-2-delta calcium channel blocker means it blocks Ca2+ from entering the neuron, hyperpolarizing it, preventing it from firing. It's also said to do such things as preventing glutamate binding, reducing the release of NT's such as DA, NE, and 5-HT. Me nor the writer I'd bet is sure of those claims but let's just take the fact that it blocks calcium channels, reducing the level of neurotransmission everywhere. After the dosage increase to ad lib up to 450mg/day, because it felt good, I went straight to 450 and stayed there until yesterday, 300 today. A week or two ago I started reading about cognitive deficits that I thought I was kind of feeling but didn't want to admit it. My readings were not good. Personal reports were my first readings; long term use as prescribed medication. I tried to stay balanced and find reports from people who'd been on it for 2 years for anxiety and reported overall positive improvement for anxiety with negligible cognitive deficits. Personal reports all pointed to cognitive deficits, sometimes quite severe; being able to think rationally and drive, but not being able to perform simple mental math and a high level of general 'forgetfulness'.
Then I went looking for articles. The most chilling was that a2d Ca channel blockers reduce the frequency of new synaptic connections. Of course neurons don't do the mitosis thing quite like other cells, but there is neural plasticity where new synaptic connections to nearby neurons are made, and old ones broken. The finding being pregabalin prevented the formation of new synaptic connections. I have a feeling that sort of thing may be involved in the learning process. I kinda need that ability these days.
I had to save to notebook and leave apartment for a bit, unexpected disruption of 'freedom to chill in my room', bleh. Anyways it got me off the keyboard got some 5-htp, melatonin and food in me and had a 5 hour sleep right through the middle of the day until my secondary alarm (cell phone), went off and got me up. Being my secondary I time it 1/2 hour later and leave it across the room so I have to raise myself to turn it off. I set the new alarm time on my alarm clock, but didn't turn the switch over to alarm. So I wake up feeling like lead weight with a headache. First thing I did was take caffeine pill, pregabalin, AC&C and 20mg of amp because my mind was locked and I felt weak as a kitten and had the head of a TBI patient. I had a granola bar on the way and a whole hour after taking the amp, the concepts explained in a lecture were still hard to follow.
I swear the daily pregabalin precipitated my vastly increased stimulant usage in the last month. The stuff makes me feel dumb and there likely is a connection between Ca channel blockage and forming new synapses or reducing the transmission capability of the ones already there. Like typed in green, I read an article about blocking new synapse formation, really not feeling like looking for the citation ATM, ask and I'll have a look sometime soon. There were many more articles saying cognitive deficits were negligible compared to benzo treatment; and it's officially touted as having a low addiction potential, again; unlike benzos.
Well, bullshit. Sure I can drive on pregabalin except for those days after starting or upping a dose. During those times it feels like GHB and actually does relieve anxiety, then tolerance rapidly sets in and the dumbening continues. I think I said it yesterday; it feels like my nerves just aren't passing the signal like they normally do. It's a whole body thing too, it's obvious why its primary indication is fibromyalgia.
Aside from general sluggish numbening, precipitating the desire to dose amp when I normally would not (daily instead of weekend, especially when social stuff is happening), just because I know what amp will do; restore some cognitive function/energy but it's still not the learning kind; no plasticity, and it comes with regular amphetamine side effects [oh, what did I start this prescription for again?]
I can still do all the cool smart shit I've always been able to do like rebuilding motors, drive a 4-wheeler like it's an extension of my body, wreck my parents at Jeopardy, etc. but I can't retain complex thoughts or think as abstractly. I suppose the 'negligible cognitive deficits' status is true if you're older, already have all the info your job/life requires, but when I'm in a physics lecture it feels like my brain is stuck on pause from about 2 weeks ago.
In the acute sense, yeah benzos are more debilitating; I don't drive on benzos. Even 5mg in the country and I was driving slow and safe because I was not confident in my level of control which felt so much lower.
Thing is I don't take benzos daily. I just take a low dose as needed, mainly amp comedowns, anxiousness that comes from nowhere with no logical source, etc. Main point being I only take benzos when I'm starting to go into sketchtown, or I'm super hypervigilant and my nerves/head needs a break. Benzos don't affect my learning ability when I'm not on them. This whole idea of taking daily meds on days when everything would normally just flow and all I touch turns to gold is useless, unnecessary, and gets in the way of normal functioning. Pregabalin on a daily basis for someone who likes his brain, needs his knowledge acquisition capable brain, and doesn't like to impede it's normal functions or have to override the impediment with a stimulant. I'm down 1/3 from a couple days ago to 300mg/day, seems stable with help of a little diazepam (won't need this as much without the stims), going to keep lowering them, I hope to be down to 150 by next week, maybe try 75 after that and then drop it.
If I could just get a bottle and take 'as needed' ala benzos, this would be a wonderful drug for temporary anxiety and as a social lubricant for those of us who've got some of their main issues in that department. Ha, maybe just keep the script and take ad lib, it'd displace benzo usage and be more socially engaging. Or stop beating the legal bush and just get a prescription for simple GHB. I wonder what the going rate is to bribe a customs agent to approve you as a GBL importer because you like having the cleanest wheels and demand nothing but the best product; free market at work, the government doesn't want to appear communist now.
I took a 3-FA/4-FA combo tonight resulting in an unexpected entactogen experience. After lying on bed for 2-3 hours:
I just realized that my family totally knows what's up. I went home for a couple weeks and slept incredibly long hours, staying up really late working in the shop, few times I heard my dad wake up and that was my queue to call it a night. They could see the light in the shop, and knew I'd just quietly made my way into bed. They knew that all along as well as the long sleeping hours. My excuse being the meds and without a timed obligation I have a hard time forcing myself up and going for nothing. They know and seen for years when I had the be up at 5:30 to be at work for 7, I hated it, but because people were expecting me there for a certain time to do stuff, I was able to justify the sideways hop after I opened my eyes from a beeping alarm instead of hitting the switch and sleeping for another 4 hours.
What they, and I, didn't know was that the mental clouding from pregabalin was making me crave amphetamines. Those late nights were also fueled by doses of neat, quite euphoric stims like 3-FA.
For an outdoor day a 70/30 [3/4-FA] combo total ~100mg makes for a smooth and energetic high for a fun day.
Thing is I had no other use for 4-FA because underdoses just don't work, and it's too serotonergic for functional, somewhat regular use.
After my rough wake up, with 20mg of amp that seemed to do nothing but I can imagine how cognizant I would have been without it; I got back here with a hungry but fickle tummy so I make myself some popcorn, ate 2/3 of the bag, going to finish the rest soon.
Looking at the time, realizing this long, steadily increasing amphetamine binge that started when the pregabalin really began mucking things up, I just wanted one more 3/4-FA combo night.
It was more like a 50/50 mix because the 4 was plentiful and 3 not so much, heavy dose though; somewhere 150-200mg combined. I must say I only use scales for making solutions anymore, or if I were to take a psych; my safety practices have gotten careless; there was a lot on that knife.
With a stomach light but satiated with popcorn I swallowed them down along with the evening pregabalin and a couple AC&C for a headache and mild opie-hangover feeling from the oxy last night. I swallowed it all down.
I could feel the 4-FA down there; the stuff gave a mild lesion under my tongue when I tried 20-30mg sublingual once. I was expecting the initial sear, sure felt it, but then it seemed to ease up. I lifted my tongue the next day and I had this white spot right where I put the lump. The stuff is rough when it dissociates in an aqueous environment and interacts with bodily tissues. My stomach felt it at first but I drank a fair bit and I hope the body can dilute it enough that my neurons don't receive the treatment my sublingual tissue did.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I fiddle around getting ready for a shower when 10 minutes post-swallow; I feel it.. already???
I grab my electric razor and towel and head for the bathroom to get this show on the road in case I start prematurely rolling nuts. I looked at my pupils when I started shaving; they were normal amphetamine type size, bit larger than normal but not saucers. I was leaning on the counter as I was shaving, and felt something I'd felt many times before; the telltale signs that something heavy is on it's way.
I quickly finished up the shave, looked at my eyes again; saucers. Went from dopaminergic eyes to serotonergic eyes in a flash; I knew I crossed that threshold which came with the obligatory come-up shit. After the bulk got released I couldn't help but sit and take in how bright everything was. I managed to do the shower thing quickly enough, got back in my room and comfy clothes, flopped down on the bed and saw myself through my family's eyes.
Powerful experience, before this I knew that they knew about the late nights while I was there, but the entire time I was different, vocalizing my unorganized random thoughts when I was (often) fiddling around in drawers looking for something in a manic phase, and especially when my sis and her family came I was ridiculously, overly verbose. Tonight I was able to review the images of them and vibes of the situation at the dining table; the 'no need to say it' consencus among them; 'He's got a drug problem, at this moment it's obviously stimulants.'
After two whole weeks there they got lots of good sights of me acting a little strange and I'm sure it's not comfortable for them to see me like that. The last day being the worst in terms of being absolutely scattered. Packing took all day, I would jump from one job to the next, generally being very edgy, and made my dad edgy by just watching me. Luckily my mom was gone that day but because I was so inefficient, I didn't leave until 10, and she got back shortly before and got to say goodbye. By then I was somewhat more stabilized, fortunately.
I go back for a weekend a couple weeks from now, I'm going to just have to tell them I'm dropping the meds, I was on uppers to counteract the dumbness and every day it seemed I always wanted a little more than the day before and lost the control I once had over drug consumption.
They know I've been doing relatively hard drugs in moderation for years and they've been tolerant as long as I could control it. My extended family is full of alcoholics and it was the same with them when they were drinking age but didn't have career/house yet or at school, financially dependant. If they drank too much they got the boot (or rack up student loans).
My mom knew about what happened on those camping trips; amphetamine fueled days of summer fun, with one main night where psychedelics would be consumed. I came back 'looking tired' and spent the rest of the day resting and light stuff the day after that. Once when I got home with the house to myself because they were on a long trip, I found my stash on my mom's desk, intact, top closed, she was searching info about the contents, inputing the names from the bags. She didn't confront me, and I certainly wasn't in a rush to ask what it was doing there, saying, "oh, by the way, thanks for not flushing it". Ee gads, was full of accumulated goodies by then. For being incredibly tolerant parents for so long that binge was like a slap in the face.
I gotta fess up and come clean, consciencely, and physically. No more amphetamines as of this past night and work at getting my damn calcium channels open again without boshing benzos and I'm digging into course material tomorrow, specifically without amps. Amps make me so inefficient, jumping around all over the place, rushing it, academic disadvantage in every way.
Oh; some learned technicals for you guys; 4-FA is a great entactogen but not so 5-HT flooding that you just swim in a pool of euphoria not being able to retain or focus on the feelings of others, the looks on their faces, getting into their shoes and knowing when you've done wrong by them, scaring them by acting so unlike the person they know you as. Knowing where apologies are to be given.
Well that's not technical but with (bk-)MDMA there's a huge rush of seeing something you've done wrong but it doesn't stop there to think about it; it goes further and you see/know that unconditional love and that's when the therapeutic swimming starts. In the end of those experiences I feel very connected to them, to the point that my thoughts tend towards things like 'they already know I'm sorry, I'm going to just correct my direction and not actually vocalize my apology.'
In that sense I think with (bk-)MDMA you often go too far and you just blow by what you view as being meaningless surface stuff, preferring the enjoyment of feeling the unconditional love between you; in a sense taking advantage of it and just floating in the serotonin swim.
I'm also pretty sure 4-FA may be quite a bit less neurotoxic. I wasn't expecting a 5-HT dump because the EC50 values are ridiculously higher than MDMA. IIRC ~50nm for MDMA, ~950nm for 4-FA
And 3-FA, I've read it be described as meth-lite. I haven't done meth, but I feel I have to concur. Although I don't have the reference point of methamphetamine, I've been using regular amphetamine sporadically for years now, and sometimes it got me super high, feeling amazing, with a trough later on. Regular amphetamine never got me "spun", but 3-FA would get me feeling amazing, and keep going to the point of being scattered, not able to efficiently organise thoughts in order to actually accomplish anything, and it all just spins around, doing nothing but making you more and more stuck in that psychic rut until it wears off. I would be working on things late at night, after the amazing high, in spun mode with tons of energy to burn before bed could be considered, but accomplishing a task would take on average 5 times the amount of time it normally would. It would take me 5 hours to do a job that in a normal mindset while still being meticulous and not sloppy, would take me one hour.
Look up the 3-FA thread in ADD and see how much dopamine gets released. One hell of a high, just not every morning, and don't bring it home with you because you want to do it there and can't manage to leave it behind. Amphetamine has a hook, but I was always able to wiggle it off, put the bag away and say nope, not today or tomorrow; I'll come back some other time. 3-FA's hook is bigger and sharper; you tend to feel like it's not affecting your behaviour, but it is, and the hook is harder to wiggle off.
The NE released with amp keeps it in check I think. The DA/NE release ratio of 3-FA makes it a different animal. Read the threads if you're considering using it.
Green= Yesterday Plain= Today (I got interrupted)
I had a few trials with 5-meo-DMT, low dose, not high enough for breakthrough; I was way too scared from what many reports described, but yearned for the experience described in glowing reports (a year or two later I ended up having a ++++ on a plain ol' 2C-I trip listening to music in my basement, was rolling along with a heavy +++ and it just slipped over). When I did low doses of 5-meo-DMT it was like all the nerves in my head were super sensitive, everything tensed right up, generally felt like a substance that was super excitatory, not pleasant. felt like a poison was in me. I tried a few times, same thing every time; didn't feel much like trying the 'breakthrough' dose over 10mg.
The only 4-subs that felt bad were actually the mix contained in mushrooms; they always dig into me good. 4-AcO-DMT is my favorite of that group though and many say it's just a prodrug for mushrooms' main ingredient (I agree it metabolizes to -OH but there's timing in there and the -AcO may bind and have different properties while it survives). I haven't tried any of the DPT's, MET's, etc. 4-AcO-DiPT is the only other one I've had. It's one hell of a ride; just don't combine with monoamine releasers (especially 5-HT), combo'd with bk-MDMA had me feeling on the verge of a seizure.
Yeah, L-Theanine feels so great while it works. It's also pretty expensive.
Still haven't slept but did my last line 10 hours ago, smoked a couple of joints, had some beer and vodka, and think I'll be able to get to sleep in a moment
DOC is definitely on my list of psychedelics to try, though I don't know when I'll finally get around to it.
2mg: 30 minutes - 8 hours [Oh my insides, I'm gonna puke, I'm gonna crap, I can't do either. Everything's so unbearably tight.] Very rough come up, resorted to taking some diazepam to ease it which worked without completely killing it, but that come up feeling lasted the whole time that was supposed to be the actual peak/trip. After 8 hours it eased up more and I was on the bright, soft plateau, now that was wonderful; lasted a good 12 hours too.
To be fair it was just the one time, maybe stomach wasn't feelin right to start with, etc. From what I hear/read, if you hit it right, it's one of the best, consistent euphorias there is.
I'm enjoying a mild dose of some blotter `cid in celebration of Canada Day myself
This thread is what got me into bluelight. Joined as a newb for the info and used my account for that purpose about a few times a year until 2008 I saw this sticky, opened it, replied to someone's post, they replied back and the rest is history. Until that happened my 3 year old account had about 30 posts to it; back when Bluelighter status was granted at 20 posts. Kept on posting, and because I'd spend much of the previous three years tripping and scouring Erowid, TOTSE, and BL itself I'd absorbed quite a bit of knowledge and started responding to people's threads. When the positions for mods came up I started memberating (very quickly responding to a new thread with a good answer and/or directing them with a link from the index; exactly what mods did).
Actually there are quite a few members here who go unnoticed in their memberating, good answers given even when it can get tedious.
And yeah; cat-sitting? throw it outside, let it find some mice.
Kudos on the Canada day celebration. This is one of the first Canada days that I did nothing, except lied around and got high, per usual, and the parliament buildings are about a 10 minute walk away. I saw the fireworks at parliament a few years ago and it was the most intense I'd ever seen. This time I just heard the booms. It's my first year living here and all my friends are back home, I would have gone if there were people I knew to go with.
Hahahahaha, back when I was a mod we tried to address this issue by having the giant Index link flashing. I asked an admin to change it back to normal because it was driving me nuts. lol
Yes, Dondante always comes in here with awesome pictures from all these awesome places he ends up in. *Jealous fist shake*
Oh man where I am at home, if you go in the woods, all day long the deer flies are adhesive, they buzz around you in swarms. DEET helps a bit, one time I forgot it and I payed for it. Two bites on my left hand had it swollen right up. Luckily they don't seem to be able to latch and bite as quickly as a mosquito, but when they make the connection they inject lots of their own brand of inflammatory itch inducer, about on par with 10 mosquito bites on the same spot. Unlike mosquitos it seems weird how they're attracted to your scent, swarm you, but the primary reason seems to just annoy the crap out of you. Darn annoying lifeforms that serve no purpose [for saying that, watch them all be gone tomorrow and the entire biosphere collapse within a month due to their absense.] Thanks Svalbard :D
The fluni. and dissoc. are definitely bad ones for you man, I advise against. A 'not-mangled' opi(ate)(oid) evening of comfort isn't a bad thing. I wouldn't do it the very night before leaving, but if I were to never do drugs again it might be an experience I'd like to have.
The -ate -oid thing; most know what they separately classify (read some wikipedia pages if you don't; it's simple, but getting to the page and reading info that goes further is encouraged; the more ya know). If it were a professional paper, writing a BL wiki or even 1st post in a B&D I'd use proper terminology. In casual conversation I find 'opiate' just feels more natural and the basic message of what you mean is carried. If someone said I was using opiates too much, I'd just switch to fentanyl.
BTW the -ate known as morphine beats the -oid oxycodone for me, but oxy comes in a close second. I can't say whether it's subconscious notions I have of calm, peaceful, Victorian era England, it's association with morphine and the general opiate effects (mental influence), or the actual drug.
ze beekay emdyemay; It's produced some powerful experiences in me, and for me that goes next to MDMA in the 'psychedelic-entactogenic' spectrum. If I were beginning, I might have a hard time discerning the two besides duration.
I'm kinda divided on the psych before rehab thing I opined on last night. It's such a personal thing, no one knows the answer. In order to minimize neural tiredness when going in, I wouldn't take any 5-HT releasers. For me it'd be a light, easy phenethylamine experience (maybe 2C-C), enough to cross that empathic barrier but not strenuous or transmitter dumping. I find trypts just too psychologically strenuous, even if their pharmacology is favoured, there's more risk of making things worse.
First off, message received and reciprocated.
Second, glad to see you go for something like that and stamp it out of your life.However if I were to choose my last or last few drug experiences before going to rehab they would not involve psychedelics; leave therapy for the rehab. I can see it now, feeling cured in the afterglow of a wonderful trip and cancel the rehab; lol. Well maybe not that, but I wouldn't want a psychedelic experience right before rehab. I'd go the (outdoor)-stimulant/ opiate/benzo route. Those are the ones that are hard to kick. Maybe have a last hurrah or maybe you'll see how you really don't want to take those things anymore.
I'm on 2-FMA right now, among others, see below.. but yeah it's like dexamp but not quite as clear or energetic, I find it pretty mellow.
Main culprit was 3-FA along with bumps of racemic, that got larger as the night turned to morning. I vividly recall the size of those 2 last ones. A third of one would have been ~10-15mg, normally enough to last me for the majority of the active part of a day, swallowed after breakfast. It didn't seem to matter how big the lines were* +; there seemed to be a ceiling effect where I wasn't getting higher. That was by a large margin the most I've taken, also through a more direct route (nasal), in a night and all in all wasn't that great. There was lot of compulsive, repetitive behaviour, my baseline unhealthy level of hypervigilance was increased. While trying to be quiet, setting things down softly, open/close zippers slowly, I'm sure my roommate next door could hear me rustling around, and likely heard me trying to quietly as I could, hoover up that precious drug infused mucus that formed even if I cleared my nose beforehand. Ugh, I'm sure he knows what I've been up to lately, the paper thin wall likely doesn't block the sound of pill bottle rattles, soft knife taps and the subsequent mucus hold. He's extremely reserved, but has some good summer job as a political internship thing; which I guess he must be able to carry on convos to get that job and keep it; it's not calculating something in the corner of a lab. Based on mannerisms and general vibe if I were to take a guess I'd think he's pretty anti-drug. But I dunno, I think I'm reserved but I can carry on a conversation whereas he never initiates his own topic. The most we see each other/talk is when we get in at approximately the same time and cross paths in the kitchen or hall, simply exchanging "hey, how's it goin'"s. I don't like feeling so detached from people I'm in such proximity with. That's actually one of the main things I hate about the city bus. Initiating a simple conversation is felt as taboo and an invasion their psych-isolation bubble. If people don't want to talk I understand, I get like that often, if I see it on someone's face I wouldn't intentionally bother them, but even with people that I view as not being averse to talking, there's an overhanging social rule that strongly inhibits the formation of a conversation.
In all honesty I think it's rooted when we're taught as children not talk to strangers and to view anyone who is an unkown teenager or adult as a threat. I bet it may prevent some kidnappings, but I feel in me anyway that the Bearstein Bears book about strangers that was read to me as a child laid a solid foundation for social fear and isolation.
* Although the trip was waning a bit before that, at that moment the micro GC/MS I had installed in my basal ganglia sent a 'yellow light' signal on DA level to my PFC.
Yeah, my self-control of yesteryear is gone.. definitely quitting.+ Picked up computer, resumed typing from mid-sentence drop off. lol
Given timing and wanting to continue but not be up after sunrise I took and honest to goodness ~10mg bump of the race-amp of a knife-tip, being quiet and all worked this time, only a couple sucks had any amp-mucus ball formed relocated to within my sinus. While I was at it I took my due pregabalin, ~5mg diaz, magnesium/vit C. I don't have to wake up early tomorrow but I gotta get my schedule around, on my off nights I should be asleep by 3 (being pretty generous there IMO), not happening tonight but I have to stop seeing the sunrise.
hm, lordy I could cry. Two of my favorite, most influential phenethylamines in such nice states and quantities.. I'd be pretty disheartened.
____
(yesterday) Right now (7am, been up all night): A few moments ago there were two lines of racemic amphetamine nicely chopped up. A few weeks ago 1/3 of one of those lines taken orally would given me an amazing high. The other line remains, I'll likely swallow it when I wake up this afternoon. About an hour ago I took some kratom, oxy, and diazepam. I'm currently watching a bunch of old guys fly a space shuttle mission which I know will ultimately end with Tommy Lee Jones fastened to the front of a front of a huge rocket aimed at the moon, and manages to make a landing soft enough that he isn't killed. From the track of footsteps leading to where he's sitting with his back against a rock, one has to assume he peacefully died by gradual oxygen depletion from his spacesuit while watching the earth.
After that, I hope to catch some winks, and make it to physics lecture at 4. See, I've had anxiety issues pretty much since puberty began. I've grown up with a stutter, been rejected from the in-crown from a young age, but maintained the ability to keep one friendship that's kind of floated through the years until about 5-6 years ago when we just started hanging out again. I've known him since I was 3; before there was ever such a thing as coolness or popularity. In grade 7 or 8 we kind of had a harem of girls as mutual friends, while being friends the entire time, one afternoon out of nowhere this struggle for dominance thing kicked in and we broke into fisty cuffs. We made up after the fight, but by and large we lived separate lives in high school and a year or two after. I guess at out 'sort of' lows, feeling lonely we hooked up again, but he still had/has his small group of friends he retained from high school (I had a falling out with mine, we didn't have anything in common anyway), his friends became my friends. One of which I have a very strong connection with, on the level of best friends; he my only possible tripping partner, and one of two people I've had real psychedelic experiences with. He really only trips when I do, and it's usually when camping.
Anyways, the one I've known since I was 3 has anxiety issues too, he has an easier time getting/keeping friends, not feeling rejection as the default platform. He can't trip though, he can't handle it and he's borderline alcoholic. This tiny social group of mine (my only real social interaction with those my age) is back home. The two of them went camping this past weekend, I felt I had to come back here to get ready for this physics course (should have gone camping).
To sum up; at the end of the main school year at the end of April, I was a wreck by the time exams were done. After a week or so of recovery and not looking like I crawled out of a coffin I had my first appointment with my new doc to get this anxiety shit taken care of because I've had it for too long and I need to meet new people in this new city, so completely out of my comfort zone. I could tell we had a good rapport and while he's a total pansy of an overly well manicured nerd, I can actually talk to him about specific drugs and pharmacology. Telling him about my anxiety we acknowledged the $200/hr CBT wouldn't work for me so there's this online CBT program that just kind of shows how thoughts/emotions form each other. We both agree meds would be warranted for this, again I get asked what direction I want to go. I say not ssri/snri's, long story short, I walk out with 150mg pregabalin per day. Next month's follow up he weighs keeping the same dosage, waiting longer for it to (possibly) work, upping the dosage to the recent GAD trial 'optimal' max of 450mg/day, with the option of me taking less if I wanted.
The first couple days on 150mg/day felt great, the first week of the 3-fold increase felt great, it's been neutral other than those two periods, and the recent decline into weird/weak/crap land.
I'm gonna take a bump off that other line, as I recently found out, after staying up all night, I thought the best course of action to re-calibrate my sleep schedule is to just power through and go to bed at 9pm. I swallowed ~50-75mg (knife-tip full) of 3-FA fully expecting it to do exactly that based on how it's affected me in the past. I passed out an hour later, right when sleep opposing effects are normally peaking. Thus, when it's really time for sleep, my mind shuts down regardless of recent stimulant intake.
Just got back in comfy position; Tommy Lee Jones is on his way to the moon on his rocket powered, Soviet-built orbital nuclear missile silo and I think I'm going to watch another one after this.
Anyways, pregabalin's resultant state of wonky-headed, physically weak, and generally shitty feeling. It's not shitty if you don't ever do anything, have a bunch of money, and can just lay around watching movies and sleeping 10-12 hours every night.
Being an alpha-2-delta calcium channel blocker means it blocks Ca2+ from entering the neuron, hyperpolarizing it, preventing it from firing. It's also said to do such things as preventing glutamate binding, reducing the release of NT's such as DA, NE, and 5-HT. Me nor the writer I'd bet is sure of those claims but let's just take the fact that it blocks calcium channels, reducing the level of neurotransmission everywhere. After the dosage increase to ad lib up to 450mg/day, because it felt good, I went straight to 450 and stayed there until yesterday, 300 today. A week or two ago I started reading about cognitive deficits that I thought I was kind of feeling but didn't want to admit it. My readings were not good. Personal reports were my first readings; long term use as prescribed medication. I tried to stay balanced and find reports from people who'd been on it for 2 years for anxiety and reported overall positive improvement for anxiety with negligible cognitive deficits. Personal reports all pointed to cognitive deficits, sometimes quite severe; being able to think rationally and drive, but not being able to perform simple mental math and a high level of general 'forgetfulness'.
Then I went looking for articles. The most chilling was that a2d Ca channel blockers reduce the frequency of new synaptic connections. Of course neurons don't do the mitosis thing quite like other cells, but there is neural plasticity where new synaptic connections to nearby neurons are made, and old ones broken. The finding being pregabalin prevented the formation of new synaptic connections. I have a feeling that sort of thing may be involved in the learning process. I kinda need that ability these days.
I had to save to notebook and leave apartment for a bit, unexpected disruption of 'freedom to chill in my room', bleh. Anyways it got me off the keyboard got some 5-htp, melatonin and food in me and had a 5 hour sleep right through the middle of the day until my secondary alarm (cell phone), went off and got me up. Being my secondary I time it 1/2 hour later and leave it across the room so I have to raise myself to turn it off. I set the new alarm time on my alarm clock, but didn't turn the switch over to alarm. So I wake up feeling like lead weight with a headache. First thing I did was take caffeine pill, pregabalin, AC&C and 20mg of amp because my mind was locked and I felt weak as a kitten and had the head of a TBI patient. I had a granola bar on the way and a whole hour after taking the amp, the concepts explained in a lecture were still hard to follow.
I swear the daily pregabalin precipitated my vastly increased stimulant usage in the last month. The stuff makes me feel dumb and there likely is a connection between Ca channel blockage and forming new synapses or reducing the transmission capability of the ones already there. Like typed in green, I read an article about blocking new synapse formation, really not feeling like looking for the citation ATM, ask and I'll have a look sometime soon. There were many more articles saying cognitive deficits were negligible compared to benzo treatment; and it's officially touted as having a low addiction potential, again; unlike benzos.
Well, bullshit. Sure I can drive on pregabalin except for those days after starting or upping a dose. During those times it feels like GHB and actually does relieve anxiety, then tolerance rapidly sets in and the dumbening continues. I think I said it yesterday; it feels like my nerves just aren't passing the signal like they normally do. It's a whole body thing too, it's obvious why its primary indication is fibromyalgia.
Aside from general sluggish numbening, precipitating the desire to dose amp when I normally would not (daily instead of weekend, especially when social stuff is happening), just because I know what amp will do; restore some cognitive function/energy but it's still not the learning kind; no plasticity, and it comes with regular amphetamine side effects [oh, what did I start this prescription for again?]
I can still do all the cool smart shit I've always been able to do like rebuilding motors, drive a 4-wheeler like it's an extension of my body, wreck my parents at Jeopardy, etc. but I can't retain complex thoughts or think as abstractly. I suppose the 'negligible cognitive deficits' status is true if you're older, already have all the info your job/life requires, but when I'm in a physics lecture it feels like my brain is stuck on pause from about 2 weeks ago.
In the acute sense, yeah benzos are more debilitating; I don't drive on benzos. Even 5mg in the country and I was driving slow and safe because I was not confident in my level of control which felt so much lower.
Thing is I don't take benzos daily. I just take a low dose as needed, mainly amp comedowns, anxiousness that comes from nowhere with no logical source, etc. Main point being I only take benzos when I'm starting to go into sketchtown, or I'm super hypervigilant and my nerves/head needs a break. Benzos don't affect my learning ability when I'm not on them. This whole idea of taking daily meds on days when everything would normally just flow and all I touch turns to gold is useless, unnecessary, and gets in the way of normal functioning. Pregabalin on a daily basis for someone who likes his brain, needs his knowledge acquisition capable brain, and doesn't like to impede it's normal functions or have to override the impediment with a stimulant. I'm down 1/3 from a couple days ago to 300mg/day, seems stable with help of a little diazepam (won't need this as much without the stims), going to keep lowering them, I hope to be down to 150 by next week, maybe try 75 after that and then drop it.
If I could just get a bottle and take 'as needed' ala benzos, this would be a wonderful drug for temporary anxiety and as a social lubricant for those of us who've got some of their main issues in that department. Ha, maybe just keep the script and take ad lib, it'd displace benzo usage and be more socially engaging. Or stop beating the legal bush and just get a prescription for simple GHB. I wonder what the going rate is to bribe a customs agent to approve you as a GBL importer because you like having the cleanest wheels and demand nothing but the best product; free market at work, the government doesn't want to appear communist now.
I took a 3-FA/4-FA combo tonight resulting in an unexpected entactogen experience. After lying on bed for 2-3 hours:
I just realized that my family totally knows what's up. I went home for a couple weeks and slept incredibly long hours, staying up really late working in the shop, few times I heard my dad wake up and that was my queue to call it a night. They could see the light in the shop, and knew I'd just quietly made my way into bed. They knew that all along as well as the long sleeping hours. My excuse being the meds and without a timed obligation I have a hard time forcing myself up and going for nothing. They know and seen for years when I had the be up at 5:30 to be at work for 7, I hated it, but because people were expecting me there for a certain time to do stuff, I was able to justify the sideways hop after I opened my eyes from a beeping alarm instead of hitting the switch and sleeping for another 4 hours.
What they, and I, didn't know was that the mental clouding from pregabalin was making me crave amphetamines. Those late nights were also fueled by doses of neat, quite euphoric stims like 3-FA.
For an outdoor day a 70/30 [3/4-FA] combo total ~100mg makes for a smooth and energetic high for a fun day.
Thing is I had no other use for 4-FA because underdoses just don't work, and it's too serotonergic for functional, somewhat regular use.
After my rough wake up, with 20mg of amp that seemed to do nothing but I can imagine how cognizant I would have been without it; I got back here with a hungry but fickle tummy so I make myself some popcorn, ate 2/3 of the bag, going to finish the rest soon.
Looking at the time, realizing this long, steadily increasing amphetamine binge that started when the pregabalin really began mucking things up, I just wanted one more 3/4-FA combo night.
It was more like a 50/50 mix because the 4 was plentiful and 3 not so much, heavy dose though; somewhere 150-200mg combined. I must say I only use scales for making solutions anymore, or if I were to take a psych; my safety practices have gotten careless; there was a lot on that knife.
With a stomach light but satiated with popcorn I swallowed them down along with the evening pregabalin and a couple AC&C for a headache and mild opie-hangover feeling from the oxy last night. I swallowed it all down.
I could feel the 4-FA down there; the stuff gave a mild lesion under my tongue when I tried 20-30mg sublingual once. I was expecting the initial sear, sure felt it, but then it seemed to ease up. I lifted my tongue the next day and I had this white spot right where I put the lump. The stuff is rough when it dissociates in an aqueous environment and interacts with bodily tissues. My stomach felt it at first but I drank a fair bit and I hope the body can dilute it enough that my neurons don't receive the treatment my sublingual tissue did.
I fiddle around getting ready for a shower when 10 minutes post-swallow; I feel it.. already???
I grab my electric razor and towel and head for the bathroom to get this show on the road in case I start prematurely rolling nuts. I looked at my pupils when I started shaving; they were normal amphetamine type size, bit larger than normal but not saucers. I was leaning on the counter as I was shaving, and felt something I'd felt many times before; the telltale signs that something heavy is on it's way.
I quickly finished up the shave, looked at my eyes again; saucers. Went from dopaminergic eyes to serotonergic eyes in a flash; I knew I crossed that threshold which came with the obligatory come-up shit. After the bulk got released I couldn't help but sit and take in how bright everything was. I managed to do the shower thing quickly enough, got back in my room and comfy clothes, flopped down on the bed and saw myself through my family's eyes.
Powerful experience, before this I knew that they knew about the late nights while I was there, but the entire time I was different, vocalizing my unorganized random thoughts when I was (often) fiddling around in drawers looking for something in a manic phase, and especially when my sis and her family came I was ridiculously, overly verbose. Tonight I was able to review the images of them and vibes of the situation at the dining table; the 'no need to say it' consencus among them; 'He's got a drug problem, at this moment it's obviously stimulants.'
After two whole weeks there they got lots of good sights of me acting a little strange and I'm sure it's not comfortable for them to see me like that. The last day being the worst in terms of being absolutely scattered. Packing took all day, I would jump from one job to the next, generally being very edgy, and made my dad edgy by just watching me. Luckily my mom was gone that day but because I was so inefficient, I didn't leave until 10, and she got back shortly before and got to say goodbye. By then I was somewhat more stabilized, fortunately.
I go back for a weekend a couple weeks from now, I'm going to just have to tell them I'm dropping the meds, I was on uppers to counteract the dumbness and every day it seemed I always wanted a little more than the day before and lost the control I once had over drug consumption.
They know I've been doing relatively hard drugs in moderation for years and they've been tolerant as long as I could control it. My extended family is full of alcoholics and it was the same with them when they were drinking age but didn't have career/house yet or at school, financially dependant. If they drank too much they got the boot (or rack up student loans).
My mom knew about what happened on those camping trips; amphetamine fueled days of summer fun, with one main night where psychedelics would be consumed. I came back 'looking tired' and spent the rest of the day resting and light stuff the day after that. Once when I got home with the house to myself because they were on a long trip, I found my stash on my mom's desk, intact, top closed, she was searching info about the contents, inputing the names from the bags. She didn't confront me, and I certainly wasn't in a rush to ask what it was doing there, saying, "oh, by the way, thanks for not flushing it". Ee gads, was full of accumulated goodies by then. For being incredibly tolerant parents for so long that binge was like a slap in the face.
I gotta fess up and come clean, consciencely, and physically. No more amphetamines as of this past night and work at getting my damn calcium channels open again without boshing benzos and I'm digging into course material tomorrow, specifically without amps. Amps make me so inefficient, jumping around all over the place, rushing it, academic disadvantage in every way.
Oh; some learned technicals for you guys; 4-FA is a great entactogen but not so 5-HT flooding that you just swim in a pool of euphoria not being able to retain or focus on the feelings of others, the looks on their faces, getting into their shoes and knowing when you've done wrong by them, scaring them by acting so unlike the person they know you as. Knowing where apologies are to be given.
Well that's not technical but with (bk-)MDMA there's a huge rush of seeing something you've done wrong but it doesn't stop there to think about it; it goes further and you see/know that unconditional love and that's when the therapeutic swimming starts. In the end of those experiences I feel very connected to them, to the point that my thoughts tend towards things like 'they already know I'm sorry, I'm going to just correct my direction and not actually vocalize my apology.'
In that sense I think with (bk-)MDMA you often go too far and you just blow by what you view as being meaningless surface stuff, preferring the enjoyment of feeling the unconditional love between you; in a sense taking advantage of it and just floating in the serotonin swim.
I'm also pretty sure 4-FA may be quite a bit less neurotoxic. I wasn't expecting a 5-HT dump because the EC50 values are ridiculously higher than MDMA. IIRC ~50nm for MDMA, ~950nm for 4-FA
And 3-FA, I've read it be described as meth-lite. I haven't done meth, but I feel I have to concur. Although I don't have the reference point of methamphetamine, I've been using regular amphetamine sporadically for years now, and sometimes it got me super high, feeling amazing, with a trough later on. Regular amphetamine never got me "spun", but 3-FA would get me feeling amazing, and keep going to the point of being scattered, not able to efficiently organise thoughts in order to actually accomplish anything, and it all just spins around, doing nothing but making you more and more stuck in that psychic rut until it wears off. I would be working on things late at night, after the amazing high, in spun mode with tons of energy to burn before bed could be considered, but accomplishing a task would take on average 5 times the amount of time it normally would. It would take me 5 hours to do a job that in a normal mindset while still being meticulous and not sloppy, would take me one hour.
Look up the 3-FA thread in ADD and see how much dopamine gets released. One hell of a high, just not every morning, and don't bring it home with you because you want to do it there and can't manage to leave it behind. Amphetamine has a hook, but I was always able to wiggle it off, put the bag away and say nope, not today or tomorrow; I'll come back some other time. 3-FA's hook is bigger and sharper; you tend to feel like it's not affecting your behaviour, but it is, and the hook is harder to wiggle off.
The NE released with amp keeps it in check I think. The DA/NE release ratio of 3-FA makes it a different animal. Read the threads if you're considering using it.
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Delsyd
Bluelight Crew
the appeal?
a bunch of chics walking around looking sexy, coming up and talking to you pretending youre the the most interesting guy theyve ever met, sitting on your lap and looking into your eyes as they offer a lap dance. i like the attention from hot chics.
also i like titties
and watching girls make dollars dissappear with their ass.
or having them put their feet on your shoulders and wave their vag in front of your face.
yup, i liked it all.
and i bet you would too NKB, youre just being all cynical and stuff, im sure some tatas in your face would change your mind.
Dondante
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 6, 2005
- Messages
- 1,638
^As lovely as scantily clad ladies are, I always found strip clubs to be incredibly depressing places.
It's pretty incredible how entactogens can facilitate that type of intense self-analysis. The key, I think, is that sensitive subject matter is made digestible because the entactogen mitigates the reflexive sense of shame or guilt (or other negative emotions) that are associated with such memories, allowing one to analyse oneself in a therapeutically dispassionate manner. MDMA and the like really need to be studied more for this purpose (the recovery and reprocessing of repressed thoughts and feelings).
Glad you found it so useful. My only advice...remember that you'll probably need a week or two before you're back to baseline and ready to fully dive back into studies. There's no way I could hit the books in the few days following even moderate stimulant use. Best of luck with the translating the insight into practice.
PepperSocks said:... ... ... ... ... ...
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I gotta fess up and come clean, consciencely, and physically. No more amphetamines as of this past night and work at getting my damn calcium channels open again without boshing benzos and I'm digging into course material tomorrow, specifically without amps. Amps make me so inefficient, jumping around all over the place, rushing it, academic disadvantage in every way.
It's pretty incredible how entactogens can facilitate that type of intense self-analysis. The key, I think, is that sensitive subject matter is made digestible because the entactogen mitigates the reflexive sense of shame or guilt (or other negative emotions) that are associated with such memories, allowing one to analyse oneself in a therapeutically dispassionate manner. MDMA and the like really need to be studied more for this purpose (the recovery and reprocessing of repressed thoughts and feelings).
Glad you found it so useful. My only advice...remember that you'll probably need a week or two before you're back to baseline and ready to fully dive back into studies. There's no way I could hit the books in the few days following even moderate stimulant use. Best of luck with the translating the insight into practice.
TheAppleCore
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Messages
- 5,510
That wouldn't interest me... it's all phony. I would enjoy a girl that actually DOES believe I'm the most interesting guy they've ever met.
Delsyd
Bluelight Crew
Well I have a gf whos pretty fond of me.
And im well aware of the phoniness But I like the sexy suttiness of strippers.
C'mon, it's titties, I thought most men loved titties. Then again, I went with 3 girls and no guys, and the girls had just as good a time as I did. It was fun watching the stripper motor boat my friend while pulling bills from her cleavage.
Enough defending strip clubs though, to each their own.
Happy trails travelers
And im well aware of the phoniness But I like the sexy suttiness of strippers.
C'mon, it's titties, I thought most men loved titties. Then again, I went with 3 girls and no guys, and the girls had just as good a time as I did. It was fun watching the stripper motor boat my friend while pulling bills from her cleavage.
Enough defending strip clubs though, to each their own.
Happy trails travelers
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