The experience before this went like usual:
Come up, within 15 minutes first alerts like a mofo -- I am no stranger, and I still get a little anxious every time.
Anyway, this was just gonna be the hey, I've got a cube, I've got some time, and I need a special tool to help me crack whatever I've got inside me that needs to come out.
Well it does.
This time, in the usual Hephaestus beast mode I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling, but it's kind of orgasmic and I can just use my mind to blow a load all over the place kind of thing...
Then guilt for spilling seed that might get used to impregnate evil demon succubi and spawn tiny Just A Guy trolls and trixies.
SO I'm watching my show, (I like Arrow, been kind of binging -- on season 5, pretty good shit) and then I decide to throw some ranch dressing over some shredded cheddar cheese because I have always known ((and damn it, don't you hate getting any kind of notification on your phone while you are tripping?? DAMN!) and the proteins play havoc with my chemistry, and then I puke a little, and marvel over the stringiness of the vomit as it does its usual spiral down the drain... (everything is down the drain, that's the motif) and the redness...what is the red when it was just yellow cheese and white ranch? Hmmm?
And then I go through the stages.
First it was physical... touch.... I thought I going through a sense progression. But it gets philosophically mutated into a cavortion of self-depravity + moral insolubility without which, you reflect, you would not have any basis on which to attempt to improve your life... And then I realize through the molecular atavism that I've been wearing and our lives are so synthetic and maybe just my being aware of the anomaly is enough to isolate oneself from any harm, but that's not the point.
The point is I went through a progression of elements instead of senses... but not all of them: Air, purging myself of all bad spirits and vapours, it was painful and glorious -- the whoile time fixated on chemistry and the separation of my own self from the old floor beneath my feet and then the even older earth below it.... Started playing piano and tried to channel all of the other people who may have played it... (I inherited it from an old church)
And finally water but I didn't use any soaps or conditioners or anything since I didn't trust it to not try to compel my consciousness and awareness from just the bare facts -- the essentials, as I sometimes felt I barely held on to enough of myself to keep myself and that datalog (because it's too precious) and just allowed water, the most neutral tonic of all things... but in my mind, battled some kind of superiority... as I let water wash over my body (so much better than the hose i use to hang on a nail in the alley outside the shithouse to wash up back in Korea) but really is it any different? No! And that's the beauty of my lesson. I am my own obstacle.
Do I expect that this is going to make a lot of sense? Nope; am I still extremely agonised atm, yep; why do I share? It's helpful for me to have a monologue to break down my own thoughts after I've been trying so hard to find a way to communicate them in that language-locked realm that LSD brings me.. it's just that I need to learn the language better.
For the casual observer, do not believe that this story contains anything but the most important elements of what happened, as I actually went through a lot of beautiful moments, as people reached out to me from out of the blue, and I did my best to respond to their kindnesses -- and like usual -- learned a lot about myself, why I am my own problem: my own biggest obstacle: not being honest with my goals with everyone around me, and for always putting up with the guilt of people judging me to be someone or something I'm not.
But what am I going to be? Strong, Honest, SOLID. Walk tall and leave no doubt with who I am.