I'm not sure how to describe the experience I just had with MXE, but I think I might try. I was feeling so low earlier today. Went over to Delsyd's place for a disso night, originally I was going to ask him for some DCK to give it another shot, but then I remembered I have this little baggie that has MXE stuck all over it inside. Decided to bring it with me, thinking that I remember MXE having some truly therapeutic purposes. I'm so glad I did. It had turned tan/brown and seemed to have absorbed all kinds of moisture and/or particles (ie, it looks kinda nasty), but I weighed out 25mg and ate it. It kicked in really quickly, and began with the most incredible sharpening of my eyesight I have maybe ever experienced. I am nearsighted even though I don't wear glasses (and my eyes haven't gotten worse since I stopped wearing glasses/contacts 16 years ago), but I noticed I could fucking SEE. I was watching a bird flying away and it seemed that no matter how far it got I could see it in crisp detail. The texture in the clouds was staggering in its depth. I watched the condensation on the sparkling water I was drinking (I was given the fine idea to pretend it was a beer so I could be drinking something), and I saw how the bubbles of water formed ever tinier and tinier patterns of smaller and smaller bubbles. It seemed that the closer I looked, the farther I drilled down into this lattice-like structure. It wasn't like psychedelic visuals, it was like I was really, truly seeing what I was looking at. I turned that same look towards the things weighing me down in life. Is it hard not to drink? No, for fuck's sake, I'm drinking this sparkling water and it's doing the same thing for me. Am I a little uncomfortable because my GABA system is exhausted from years of hitting it regularly with a full B agonist and alcohol, one of the most promiscuous of molecules? Yes, I am, but why does that matter? I don't want to rely on something external to feel good and unless I let it recover, I will be doing that. It will rebalance. In the meantime, I am in control of my own destiny. Why should I be taking stimulants in a manner that belies my self-control? Well, obviously, I shouldn't. I, as a human, control my own destiny. What I make my reality is my reality. And now, many hours later, I feel at peace, centered as I haven't felt in, I realize, quite some time. Funny how you can walk down a path for a while, intending to turn back, and then realize you kept saying you'd turn back earlier, and never did, and when you turn, it looks so very far away back there in the distance. And then you can realize that there is no path at all, it was only an illusion. There is only the now, and what you choose to do in it.
Thanks MXE, you're a gem. I really needed that.