CosM1c Charlie -
Thanks for saying hello and not just deeming me too bizarre of a being for social consideration. When I was younger 18-21, I thought that I had real friends because I had a group of people who I skateboarded with daily - one of whom I helped bring up and he's now pro, another of our little crew is the bass player in a hardcore band who's toured with A New Found Glory... not my cup of tea, but he got to tour the world off it, can't fault him for that. I had a really strange upbringing. My family are all VERY devout Jehovah's Witnesses, I wasn't allowed to talk to or hang out with anyone who was not of the same faith. I didn't have an actual friend until I was 9 almost 10 years old. After that, it was the same 2 brothers that were both younger until 16-17 when I got my license. I never celebrated my Birthday til 19, had a Christmas, didn't talk to a female in any romantic way until almost 17, didn't see an R Rated movie until I was 19 and had my first apartment - on top of that I have no memories available to me before the age of 5/6. After that's it's still sparse and I basically sat around and passed the time waiting to be old enough to quit having to participate in something that I didn't believe in from the age of 7. I was a smart little fucker, but my parents kept my brain docile and vacant. They had to OK what books I read til I moved out, searched my room for CD's and Magazines they didn't OK, I'm about to be 35 but I feel 19-21.
The last 3 years in my life I've been the most free and happy since I was 19. I've done everything and anything you could imagine, for better or worse including a short marriage from 21/22-23 which broke me mentally. Then almost 10 years of Opiates, fucking DESTROYED me and broke my consciousness into I can't even explain how many pieces beyond how fucked I already was. No Psychiatrist could figure out what the fuck was up, they told me Schizophrenia / Bi-Polar/Panic Attacks and Social Anxiety at 20 - but wouldn't make the diagnosis official because, and this is their words not mine - "That diagnosis is way too serious for your young age and could debilitate you for the rest of your life, plus you are far too intelligent, aware and functional to be Schizophrenic"... and that was that. I just got a diagnosis of D.I.D. in July, and when I look back thru my MXE notebooks especially, my brain was trying to tell me what was going on and I just didn't fully get it.
I would be absolutely psyched to chat about the ABCDimethylTryptamines of all compounds, whether it's philosophy, dosage, harm reduction. cool stories... Anything for real. I feel like I need to take a full course in how to talk to people of any and all types. People nowadays are scare and made uncomfortable by Honesty and Openness. That's why most don't stick around or get weirded out or just don't enjoy my company or even chatting most of the time. I study everything and anything. I've done damn near any compound you can imagine, and not only that - I've done most all of them IV as well as every other ROA (I plugged a few compounds just to see if there was any difference in the qualitative experience or vibes, but I honestly used to enjoy the IV use. I was a damn technician with a point. But I broke that habit too, I haven't used a point in almost 2 years, 3 almost 4 since I shot an opiate. If ANYONE ever has an odd ROA question for a lesser common compound, I might be able to help. A lot of odd combo's as well. I'll always give you an honest answer and explain why I said what I did, no matter what. I feel like I have so much random information, inspiration even possibly to share. I was raised by JW's to help save people from the apocalypse - My #1 for the rest of my life is to help people like Me get better, have fun and a fuller life, or to help people on the other end of the spectrum understand how special this knowledge is for our entire race possibly in some circumstances and topics. I have such a special idea that could protect us all from the system trying to incarcerate us for opening our own consciousness possibly for good. It's based on the idea of another Dissociative Shaman/Healer who almost pulled it off before he unfortunately and unexpectedly passed away.
I agree with them. The crazy thing tho... While I kept going from Psych to Psych, I kind of on accident and then following my heart - ended up seriously helping myself out by using MXE, Ketamine, DXM etc. They changed my life and fixed SO MUCH of what was wrong, I can't even explain without just sounding like a drug addict. Kind of like how when people with sever ADHD (which I also have severely)... when they take amphetamines, it slows them down to normal speed and concentration instead of becoming a chatterbox like lesser effected people. I was always searching for something when taking any narcotic, weed being the initial solution - but it eventually became a serious addictive issue as well as I learned I CANNOT smoke Indica's. My brain needs constant massive stimulation to function up to speed with it's operating system. It's insane. Indica's make me depressed severely and actually worsen my pain sometimes. I also am one of the low percentage that can get damn near physically and mentally addicted to it, like I've GOT to fucking have it like a cigarette. That's a bummer.
How most people feel like they're outside their body when they take dissociative's, well I feel like that to some extent all the time, very dreamlike. When I take almost any dissociative, I actually go back into my body unless I take an absolutely massive dose or go on a bender for months. I feel like all the puzzle pieces of who I am and have been re-integrate and I feel like the complete version of myself. That's no drug promotion at all, they make most people strung out and crazy like any other drug on some level. Dissociative's and Psychedelics like LSD, Psilocybin, DMT... so many designer ones, they help me feel "normal" to a varying extents. The 5-6 years that I spent fighting Opiates with Disco's, as long as I kept my Subutex dose around 1mg-2mg max daily, I was the most successful in life that I had ever been during those times. I changed my life with their assistance, like customizing your computer and updating the programming. I tripped on MXE every day for 3 years, the other 2-3 supply fluctuated A LOT more and I used whenever I could find something up to par with my needs, but during that time I started to actually use it more like a Medicine instead of just outright Space Travel all day every day. I was using 25-40mgs IV 2-3 times daily - I held jobs for the first time in my life. I drove my car EVERY DAY, with other people sometimes - never got a ticket, got close to an accident, did irresponsible things. That's terrible to say, PLEASE NO ONE DO THAT... but for some fucked reason, that stuff made me not only feel more sober and like myself once I worked out the dose for me, I actually felt like how other people describe life. I could feel things, some stuff for damn near the first time it felt like it had been so long. I so badly want to find the right doctors or psychiatrist or someone studying my disorder so I can test so many of the Hypothesis that I've come up with. I have journals of that entire time, dosage info, effects, everything. I dream of being able to help people like myself that are still suffering and have no clue what's up with themselves.
I could be a special circumstance, but I feel like I've done the work of clinical trials on multiple designer dissociative's and cataloged the info how it should be to help study them accurately - due in part to BL as well as Vortech. We used to frequently compare notes as well as chat about the different changes our minds were going thru. It was beautiful, and while I didn't end up writing a book about MXE Vortechs book and legacy to me in the future is ABSOLUTELY going to be recognized as being a modern Richard Alpert (Ram Dass) or Alan Watts or Terrence McKenna. I'm going to find the right person to give his book to that will lovingly, compassionately, non-greedily change the face of psychiatric medicine. Cliff was a genius, a MUCH harder worker than myself, and FAR more well balanced in his worldly knowledge. My time to try and better the world I think is coming up in the next 2-3 years max, I may have to wait for culture and society to catch up a bit tho.
This may sound silly, but I always speak what's on my mind no matter what, I don't believe in being fake or wasting peoples time by bullshitting. I'm on some Bill and Ted's excellent adventure, try and save the world and educate thru music about social consciousness, awareness, self help, harm reduction. psychedelics, poetry, maybe a book at some point if I can sit down long enough and someone will benefit from it. I probably just did too many disco's, but I've felt like I've been being helped at times over the past few years by the Universe... I know it's crazy as fuck. This is part of why I'm so bad in social situations, I want my friends to know the height of my peaks and the depths of my hell - but then never dwell on it, live everyday to the fullest never living in that past - I just need people to know what made Me into Me. It's some chaos theory status shit for real. Anyways...
That's a pretty good general and quick explanation of my history, why I'm trying to learn how to socialize in a more acceptable and less uncomfortable way, and how I genuinely feel about some bizarre things that are close to my heart. Last thing I'll say - If I piss someone off somehow or offend anyone, please just say "hey asshole meowfishfuckhead - chill out and this why you should". When I don't understand why someone did something or said something, I can't stop wondering what I did wrong that bothered them if I don't know obviously. I feel fucking terrible about it and obsess until I can solve it or make it up to the person somehow. I don't ever want to bother anyone or make them feel bad or crazy, it just doesn't always occur to me that not all stories does everyone want to hear. Some people need PG13, a lot of my stories are dark, or just plain graphic. Just let me know what's up with words if that happens. Anybody on BL, feel free. I'm super mellow, just crazy passionate about learning and trying to help. It's the nature of My Programming.
The only way I'll learn is by being blunt and to the point. I don't need candy coating. I've seen some fucking SHIT in my life, and may have died or came VERY close thanks to heroin one time in particular. I relived what happened on 2-Oxo-PCE and again on 3-MeO-PCE. I remembered the important part that I was shown and reviewed and meditated on - but I didn't see the full picture AT ALL or understand what was going on when it was happening. I'll tell the story if you like, just ask. I got some pics of my artwork to post for Shadowmeister and everyone else if they choose to enjoy it. Everything I do artistically is out there, especially the visual stuff. Thanks again for saying hello CosM1c Charlie. If you ever want someone to talk to that might understand a rough topic - I am a very respectful, open minded and non-judgemental person. What you tell me is your reality I will accept damn near 99.9999%, it's yours to live in and enjoy - not mine to judge in any way about anything. The only thing I do is just ask questions so I can learn and hopefully become a better and more helpful friend and human in the future. I hope I didn't go overboard. Just wanted to get the checklist in my head out of the way. Peace man - Meowfishy
I wonder how many have gotten to try it/any of the series? I'm not aware of it being commercially available at any point but I could have just been unaware or not in the scene yet.
