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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Distancing Talk Thread: Swirly Congregation That's 100% Pandemic-Proof

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Damn man, that sounds shitty, sorry you have to deal with that kind of family drama. :\

Man this winter has been rough for me. Everything feels harder in the winter, but damn I am really hoping nothing else happens. My dad is dying and my whole family, especially my mom, is suffering, and I worry about and think about them all the time. My dad is in hell basically, he hates how his life is. My best friend is a psychotic meth-head who's homeless, selling heroin, stealing, and getting in knife fights and constantly threatening harm of himself and others... I eventually had to step back and stop interacting with him because I couldn't handle it on top of my other worries. Another really old friend I greatly fear may have ended his life, I can't get ahold of him and he's basically always on suicide watch. And I discovered I'm getting psoriatic arthritis to top it off... my wrist hurts and it hurts to play, and music is my greatest therapy/passion/escape... that's been a big blow. I have to make a variety of life changes to try to deal with it including trying gluten-free (no bread or beer? What the fuck, two of my favorite things...) or dairy (cheese? Fuck). I keep getting various joint pains. Overall I just feel not very good inside (physically). I haven't been able to work out much either because of this shit, and I can sure feel the difference in my level of emotional stability.

And to top it all off... my girlfriend just keeps getting more and more depressed. Okay, so I got back 2 nights ago from visiting my family for the second time in 2 months... that is always extremely draining, last time I visited them, for Christmas, I ended up regressing to drinking too often and it really threw me off a lot. No difference this time except I did handle it better, but nevertheless I came back really in need of support. Well, my girl was going to come pick me up at the airport but when I landed I found out that her car had died and she and was waiting for a tow truck, her friend had come to pick her up and wait with her. They came to pick me up, and my girl was just like an absolute wreck. It's from the worry about her car on top of everything else. She has PTSD from her childhood and as she's gotten older she's increasingly felt powerless/worthless... she isn't able to admit to herself what she really wants in life so she basically drifts from one shit job to the next. She's very self-defeating, her dialogue towards herself is very negative. She doesn't have a lot of money and her family is constantly pressuring her and she's made to think that her actual desires in life aren't good enough. So this stress about her car just added to the overall massive level of stress she's under. She was just like, fuck, I bet the car's fucked, I bet everything's going to go wrong, etc, etc.

Her friend and I were like, dude, stop it, it's gonna be fine. But all that night and the next following day (yesterday), she was basically a zombie. She was just randomly crying all day long, getting mad at herself and calling herself names, it was crazy. Even after the car turned out to be an easy fix, all yesterday evening was so intense. She was just sort of laying around and staring at the wall. Telling me about how she's never going to be able to get better. I'm trying to tell her, hey, you said you don't like your therapist and you feel like she isn't doing anything (she just started therapy)... well, this was your idea that you already had, quit that therapist and find a highly recommended one that specializes in PTSD. You only have one life, you have to actually do something about this stuff, hoping it gets better while telling yourself it never will won't get anything done except slowly making everything worse! The state it put me in to watch this happening to the person I love was so bad. I realized that despite having just visited my father and watching him and my mom suffer, the amount of pain I was feeling watching my girlfriend self-destruct internally is even greater. And it's hugely frustrating because I'm like, dude, PLEASE, get ahold of yourself, you can do this! Stop being so fucking mean to yourself! It put me in this state where I felt really depressed. It went beyond the anxiety I've been feeling at worrying about people lately. I felt angry too... for the first time in our relationship, I was looking at her and feeling fear about, hey, what if she just keeps getting worse? I've always really respected her for how she treats me and others despite her internal pain, but like, man, she's really letting herself get rendered helpless by this thing. How long can I deal with this? Am I going to get drawn into her depression? I sure was last night, last night was the worst I've felt in many years. I felt sad, frustrated, angry and powerless. Basically like she feels. Today I feel rather better... but I find myself glad it's band night so I can have a night off from trying to support her. And I just had a week where I was visiting my family and she stayed here so it's not like I even have an overload of time spent with her recently. :\

She is taking some steps, and it is winter, but man it scares me. I don't want to live my life trying to pull a depressed and disempowered person up all the time. I have literally no other issues with her, if she could figure her stuff out and get to a place where she was living her life fully, it would be the perfect relationship for me. But man, that's a big if. It disturbs and saddens me that last night I was sitting there wondering if it would have been better if we'd never met because then I could have instead perhaps found someone with energy and motivation and positivity. I don't want to feel that way about her... and I hate that lately I've been feeling so negative (though dealing with her depression is only one aspect of that, I would be having a hard time right now anyway).

When we met my impression was that she was a happy, well-adjusted and confident person. In reality she's been dealing with these issues her whole life, but she was pretty happy then and felt good about life. Since we met it's been a long, slow descent into a much worse place. I miss the old days. :( I keep trying to help her but I can't fix her... she doesn't open up to most people, she goes into therapy with the assumption that it won't work, she goes through life with the assumption that it won't work out. She always wanted to go into conservation work, or gardening, and when I tell her she should pursue those things, she's like, it's too late for that, or I probably wouldn't be good at it, or no one's going to want to hire me, or similar. It's so frustrating. :|
 
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^Sometimes I wonder if we're dating the same people Xork. The similarities between your relationships and mine are sometimes uncanny.
 
I feel bad for even writing that but I had to get it off my chest. It's good to know some people can relate anyway. I sure wish we lived in a society where depression wasn't such a fucking epidemic. It's so situational too... our lives are structured in such a way that only some people can find fulfillment in the "standard" way of living. So unless you have managed to figure out how to extricate yourself from it emotionally, the result is depression and anxiety.
 
I can definitely see more than a little bit of myself in there Xorkoth. Fucking self defeating thought loops... mostly "This is just who I am, it will never change".
 
Sorry to hear you are going through all that, Xork :(
Sounds pretty rough.

On the subject of your relationship, I can say I've been there. Was in a six year relationship with someone who at the time I thought was perfect for me. But she has been struggling with depression her whole life. Sometimes it was barely there, sometimes it got BAD. I felt like I could keep up with that for the most part. But most of 2015 and 2016 was a particularly difficult and stressful time for me, I felt emotionally drained by various circumstances of my life, most linked to my professional projects. The whole of 2016 was also pretty bad for her because of endogenous depression. And although for most of our relationship I felt like I could try to be an emotional support for her and try to make things right for both of us, when we were both feeling down during 2016 it was a downward spiral for us.

I was not feeling stable enough to "take care of her". And I knew that that wasn't really something for me to take as my responsibility. During years I insisted for her to take care of herself somehow, go to therapy or just do something about it. But she always had that "nothing would work" mentality. And since I didn't want to be obnoxious or hurtful about the topic I never really stressed it sufficiently I guess. I dunno, it was her choice ultimately and she didn't want to do anything about it really. So during the times I was well, we were both more or less well, but when I was also down everything went to shit. We also kinda lost sexual interest in one another. I think that probably stemmed from other issues, but I feel that depression had a huge culprit on it. For most of 2016 she was never really "in the mood", because depression really kills your libido, I've also been there. So it made my advances to reignite our stiffening sexual life increasingly more frustrating. And that also was a vicious cycle.

So in the span of maybe eight months, a once in a lifetime love story became a shitty relationship. During the last months of our relationship we kinda became best friends, but no romantic or sexual tension was left between us. We had to part our ways. I still think she is one of the most valuable people to ever have entered my life, and I have been really trying to keep in touch and maintain what was ultimately the most valuable thing for us about our bond, and that was our friendship. But things have gotten complicated.

Anyways, sorry for making that about me, I was mostly sharing my experience/slightly venting.


Now, I didn't want to write all this as a warning against depressed people, neither I want to imply that your relationship is going to fail because of it. I really hope not, you seem to really like that girl and every time you write about your relationship you radiate your happiness through your words. I really hope the best for you guys man.

But just wanted to share because there's a couple of things I learned from going through that. One of them is that, like you already know, she needs to make something about it before it's too late. Try different types of therapy. Try different therapists. Encourage her to be brave enough to make life changes that will contribute to her mental well being. And more importantly: Understand that ultimately is HER responsibility to take care of her own mental hygiene. So don't get overly frustrated if you can't convince her. All you can do is stress how important it is for BOTH of you.

Also, realize that if you are going through a hard time, like you surely are doing right now, dealing with someone else's depression will be even harder. I can relate to the discouragement of asking yourself if you really want to spend your life trying to pull someone up from their gloom. But this is feeling more tiresome than it really is because you yourself are in need for support. So when this all passes, if you are a emotionally stable things will become easier to deal with. I'm not extremely emotionally stable myself, so it was very easy for me to get dragged into my ex-partner's depression. But you always write as if you are generally satisfied with the life you are living. When you get out of the rough patch you are going through right now, you will be able to better share your contentedness. Share your motivation with her. Express your enthusiasm for the things you love to do. Go more often to nature. Exercise together.

I wish you guys the best.
 
Thanks man, I appreciate the words. I already feel better today after a good band practice and talk with a friend. Better than I did the other day when I wrote that anyway. It's true I am generally happy, all of my difficulties right now are related to my concerns for loved ones except for my joint issues which I am dealing with. On one hand it sucks because I feel helpless about the people I love, but on the other hand it doesn't make me feel any less good about myself, and I know these things will pass. Also I know it's nearing halfway through February and Spring is on the way... it's gonna be so great to get back out and do a lot of hiking and camping, and it'll be really great for my girlfriend too, like me she really needs nature time, and it's hard in the winter. When we spend our weekends hiking and being outside, everything is better for her and she feels more capable of making moves in her life. My plan is to gently keep her moving on her recovery track... find a new therapist who specializes in childhood PTSD is at the top of the list.

Also, I reached a place yesterday where I started feeling kind of excited about making lifestyle changes for my health, instead of angry/upset. In the grand scheme of things, removing gluten and dairy from my diet is no big deal. It gives me a chance to learn new ways of making good food. And if it makes me feel better, then that's a damn good tradeoff. Reducing drinking drastically, like I was doing before this winter and shit started to get extra real, is a good thing. Alcohol isn't good, and I feel better when I don't drink. I also once again feel a strong desire to not do propylhexedrine which was starting to become a problem again. I guess the bottom line is, I managed to transform my trepidation into motivation. Time to start putting my energy towards good things again instead of wallowing in my anxieties. :)

The hardest thing is going to be phenibut... I let myself start taking it every 3rd day again and I notice some light withdrawal/rebound anxiety stuff on the last day again. I also notice that phenibut makes my joints and limbs hurt somewhat. I feel instinctively it's contributing to whatever issues I'm having, and I've been doing it a long time with some breaks. I will go back to using it very sparingly as an adjunct to psychedelics occasionally and things like that, after a break. Or maybe I won't be able to use it at all, but that's okay too. Health is so important... nothing is worth losing my ability to be healthy and use my body as I need to.
 
Feels like there must be some correlation between interest in psychedelics and romantic interest in depressed people. Maybe it has to do with how depressed people mask their depression at first and seem the opposite. I don't know. Most of the girls I've dated had some psych issues and that feeling that you can help them is too tempting. Definitely best left to the professionals. Actually I was at one point interested in doing clinical psych. Talking to other people about their problems made that go away - go figure.

My current girlfriend was practically bubbly when I met her, and she still has those moments, which is good. She was covering up the pain she was feeling from her brother getting sick and eventually passing while we were together. At some point it's too much work to keep up the facade. It was tough because it's not like she has 'real' depression, it's a normal grieving response but, it's draining. Our sex life gradually petered off, even though she seems much better now, I think part of the cost was part of our relationship. We're still together and have been for over 3 years, longest I've ever been with a woman. Since ~xmas though she moved across the country, didn't like the town I brought her to. I'm not offended but it doesn't make things easy, and I am a little miffed at the money I spent to move both of us out here. An apology would be nice lol but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Don't want to shell out more cash though to move back to a city I moved away from less than a year ago :\

Sorry for the rant
 
Man, if you love her and it works between you, then stick with it, she's grieving and that will pass. My own emotional difficulties right now are due to grieving/pre-grieving basically, and if my girl left me because of that (or anyone I might have happened to be with right now) I'd be angry and hurt. Grief is something that gets better with time, if my brother died I'd be devastated and I don't even know how I'd handle it and if my significant other left me over my temporary depression I can't even imagine how bad that would make me feel. My girl on the other hand has deep, unresolved pain that she has to face or it won't get better. If I didn't think she was so amazing and if we didn't have such a great connection I'd probably move on but since we do I want to stick with her because she's beginning to take steps. Of course I'm also good at staying with people, I've had the same close friends my whole life (and added more along the way) and my last relationship was 12 years long. It's just in my blood I guess because my parents and siblings are that way too.

But yeah our sex life has waned quite a bit lately too... it's a stark contrast too because for the first year and a half she was jumping me constantly, the most sex I've ever had with anyone by far, it was crazy. These days she feels bad a lot of the time so she's not nearly as into it though she tries to be and sometimes really is. She's also really sad/upset about her lack of desire recently because she loves sex and she really wants it back, which gives me a lot of hope. It kinda sucks for me right now but our physical connection is just as strong, lots of contact and cuddling and closeness, that hasn't changed at all, it's just the arousal part on her end. Depression causes that so it really doesn't seem like a loss of interest in me and being close with me.

The moving thing is though... personally I wouldn't want to do long-distance unless it had a concrete end. Like, my girl goes away for 2 months every fall to trim buds, but then she comes back. I mean I think you shouldn't move back to a place you moved away from, either. I almost did that for my ex, she didn't like where we moved (where I still live and it's my place, I love it), and to try to save the relationship I put our house on the market and tried to sell it. Fortunately the housing market was way down from when I bought it and I wasn't able to sell it. It would have been the wrong choice.

Anyway I do try to be there for my girl emotionally but I don't think (nor does she) that it's my job to fix her. I try to impart wisdom when I can, and we've tripped together a couple of times and I've tried to be a guide, and I try to help her get motivation to take steps. She still has really happy moments too, and generally, like for me, winters are much harder for her. The happy times have been getting less and less but nature therapy is just around the corner again. She's progressed over the time I've known her to talking about it with me and accepting that she needs help with it. My giving up line is a ways away yet.
 
My dad passed away on Tuesday, February 6th!

We're not exactly sure what caused it because he had a lot of health problems, but I think that he had acquired a kidney infection that wasn't responding to treatment, and his body wasn't strong enough to fight it off.

I found him turning blue on the floor and called 911 while my mom tried to administer CPR. The sound of her screaming, "Please don't leave me!" over and over again will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I've been awake for about 96 hours now, even though I'm taking about 16mg of Ativan a day.​
 
You guys, I feel the winter lifting. :)

This winter has been really rough for me... I've talked about it some here. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff, basically worries and pain regarding people I love, and I haven't been dealing with it too well. Then to top it off I started having writs issues and realized I'm starting to get psoriatic arthritis. It really got me down for a while and I was drinking quite a bit and taking stimulants and I even started taking phenibut again every third day. I felt like I was slowly falling into a problematic lifestyle... I haven't been working out, and I've been eating badly. But it's turned out that this psoriatic arthritis thing has been a wake-up call for me. I've decided to try not eating gluten or dairy because for some people this can greatly reduce psoriasis and body inflammation in general, and diet is the first thing I want to try to deal with what I've got going on. I was kinda freaking out because I really like drinking beer and beer of course has gluten in it. But for the past week I've totally changed my diet and I haven't drank at all, beer or otherwise. And I have to say I feel really good. :) I feel sharp, and my digestion has stopped feeling slightly painful and bloaty, and I have way more energy, and I pretty much feel comfortable and steady all the time. Everything feels way easier to deal with and I haven't had any desire to drink or do stimulants or even smoke weed a lot of the time. It's like, I just feel good, why fuck with that? I'm cooking food a lot more again... I feel lighter, it's just so much better. The mental change happened in the last couple of days. All of a sudden it seems easy... like I feel really motivated to be healthy again, like the period of time right after I did ibogaine.

Tonight I went to a weekly blues jam that some band friends of ours put on at one of my favorite venues. I thought I'd be struggling to not drink but it was no problem at all, I really enjoyed being clearheaded. I got up and played a jam with them and it was so good... I ended up staying up for half the second set and sitting in for some of their songs I hadn't ever played. It's awesome, I finally, after a few years, feel like I can get up there and hang with professionals and contribute something on the level that everyone else is, and even lead sometimes. There's nothing quite like the feeling of realizing something like that, and doing it. :)

2018 started out rough but I think that, regardless of the inevitable things that are gonna go down, it's going to be a good year for me, and I'm gonna be fine. :)
 
I predict another hellish year because life is a brutal game that you cannot win but I plan to enjoy what aspects of it I can ;)
 
dreamflyer said:
My dad passed away on Tuesday, February 6th!

We're not exactly sure what caused it because he had a lot of health problems, but I think that he had acquired a kidney infection that wasn't responding to treatment, and his body wasn't strong enough to fight it off.

I found him turning blue on the floor and called 911 while my mom tried to administer CPR. The sound of her screaming, "Please don't leave me!" over and over again will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I've been awake for about 96 hours now, even though I'm taking about 16mg of Ativan a day.​
Click to expand...


Hopefully someday you can find peace with that memory.
 
dreamflyer said:
My dad passed away on Tuesday, February 6th!

We're not exactly sure what caused it because he had a lot of health problems, but I think that he had acquired a kidney infection that wasn't responding to treatment, and his body wasn't strong enough to fight it off.

I found him turning blue on the floor and called 911 while my mom tried to administer CPR. The sound of her screaming, "Please don't leave me!" over and over again will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I've been awake for about 96 hours now, even though I'm taking about 16mg of Ativan a day.​
Click to expand...


Condolences, man :(
 
I'm really saddened to hear about Vortech. We had a number of conversations and I wish I could have met him in person. This place almost doesn't feel the same but that was a beautiful quote he left. <3





It's sad to hear so many other people are struggling as well. I hope everyone finds health and happiness in this new year.
 
Man, am I glad I have today off. I kept hearing stuff shifting around in our closet. I thought maybe one of the snakes was shedding. I go in there and I don't see anything out of the ordinary. I go in there again when I hear a louder crash. Much to my surprise, I see our cornsnake Meridia smashing around with her tail wrapped around my girl's jewelry box! I grabbed her head so she couldn't wrap the rest of herself around something. She grabbed onto the hanger bar real tight with her tail and I spent about ten minutes wrestling her off. I could hear her make a few panting sounds lol. I put my girl's clarinet box on top of her tub now, hopefully that will be enough to keep her at bay until we can figure out better locking mechanisms for her tub :|
 
I'm really angry that the people in my personal life (family and "friends", though I'm not so sure about the friend part) have just about completely blown me off since my dad passed away a week ago.

I have NOT asked one person for a dollar to borrow, a ride, help with the arrangements, cleaning out the house or anything else of that nature. The only messages that I have sent to anybody have been to ask them if and when they might be around because I could really use someone to talk to right now...

and NOTHING! One automated reply from a "friend" of 25+ years to confirm that she read my message.

I know that I may not have always been the greatest friend on earth when I was going through a lot of my addiction and other issues, but I always did my best to help somebody in need.

I will never, EVER, ask for another thing from anybody again. EVER! (and they better not expect anything from me either.)​
 
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