I had quite the socially awkward day yesterday and at 2am with the help of a little alcohol everything got blown into the open. As I was going to bed I overheard my mental stability being questioned in the other end of the apartment between two of my new friends, so I just went out and told them to give it to me straight; I'm all about gaining self awareness.
My social insecurities cause me to feel like I constantly have to prove something, and if I ever perceive the feeling that I'm being slighted I go a little nuts. Competitiveness is also very intense. Whenever we're playing games I tend to get a little too into it. It's all just excited eccentricity and I'm not actually mad when I get pounded in a game, but to some my reactions seem to make them feel uncomfortable.
Militaristic is an adjective that got used, and I see why. Considering the times we live in I do have a part of me that's rather paranoid and aggressive, and at times, I would like to have a war to fight in to release some of that. There's also sometimes that anti-social thought of 'it feels good that people think I'm a little bit crazy'; it enhances the alpha-effect. Ya, mental stability questioned indeed. Soldiers die, the only people who truly want to be soldiers are partially suicidal. That's another aspect that's not totally absent. Modern life just seems so mundane and futile, as if I'm just biding my time until I'm put under 6 feet of earth.
I dunno, it just brought out a lot of quirks, problems, and reasons why my social life is the way it is. I've been considering getting myself tested; especially for increased catecholamine release. I'm skin and bone, sunken eyes, general anxiousness that manifests in several forms.
If I've been carrying one of those adrenaline secreting tumours around for a while it would explain a lot.
P-sox, you're one of my favorite motherfuckers on this entire planet... I hate to see you overthinking shit so much. My advice is to drink beer, eat steak & eggs & fucking lima beans, and get laid as often as you possibly can. Stop worrying about that kinda shit, my friend, it's just the genius of the crowd......
THE GENIUS OF THE CROWD
by
Charles Bukowski
there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day
and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace
those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love
beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average
but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect
like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock
their finest art
which is sad. but how i heard it in the dream was funny
