Oh man... I'm destroyed. I had an extremely profound 4-day trip basically. A strong reminder to myself to stay AWAY from stimulants and empathogens. I had been building myself up to a really glowing state all summer... it was consistent, even though I did trip a pretty fair amount. I took some DOC last Wednesday and as it tends to do it created a state of amazing bliss and focus and centeredness. So much so that it became something else. In two days a whole list of seemingly-unrelated factors came together in my life and I realized what my life path should and can be and how I'm right at the place where I can really jump off into it. I had some methylone that night and had an amazing, glowing experience which only reconfirmed all of this and additionally helped me to make a much closer friend out of someone I've known, and make another connection regarding my life. That night I reached a +4 experience, transcendent, with an understanding of how I can maintain this connected state that seems to optimize my inspirational, creative, and happiness output. It was so glorious it's making me tear up a bit. I mean, I have a plan.
So that night I never quite got to sleep but the next morning came, I had to work, new day, and I was too excited to sleep anyway! So I ended up taking a couple more mg of DOC. If I'm having a particularly "on" couple of days, I'll often take low doses of DOC both days as I find it's a chemical that doesn't drain me and that at low doses it really and truly blows open a lot of barriers in my mind and it really comes out in my writing, and my ability to analyze situations. So the day went by swimmingly, equally as inspiring in every way except even MORE so because I was really working through ways in which I can make my dreams come to fruition.
The problem came at the second night, when I got to Bluelighting and decided to party some more, and took more methylone, and then later a bit of mephedrone for the first time. I had a fun night but I was delerious in retrospect... I kept thinking people were all around me and I'd change topics in mid-sentence and I kept staying up later than I wanted to because I would think my wife was hanging out with me and wanted to stay up (she was sleeping). So I found myself staying up ALL night again without wanting to.
So Sat morning, the third day, I wasn't in very good shape. I was confused and I was coming down. I realized I had a sample of phenazepam, so I took .5mg and then 2 hours later, at least .25mg but not more than .5mg more. I felt calmed and my euphoric state never went away, but I no longer had command of reality. Basically my Saturday AND Sunday consisted of laying around half-coherent, pissing my wife off because she basically was babysitting me and I was acting 3 years old with moments of clarity. It was so weird... everything was constantly moving around me, the most realistic hallucinations I've ever seen. But it was kind of unnerving because like at ALL times I was being started by what seemed like some brown alien frog-bear stepping into my peripheral vision, that turned out to be a footstool, and then I was suddenly coming out of thinking I was been talking to my little brother for the last hour. I have all of these snippets of memory, either sleeping dreams from Saturday or Sunday night (I got a lot of sleep both nights at least) or if it was some weird delerious/trippy memory. It went from a beautiful, connected, coming-together synchrinicity trip to something completely fragmented and delerious.
And FYI both times that I say I took methylone, I mean I dosed, redosed, redosed, etc compulsively. Oh, and then the last time I took any stimulants/empathogens, I also added in 40mg of MDMA. Couldn't have helped.
The whole time I was extremely communicative and I probably wouldn't shut up. Many of you witnessed my posts in PD during this time... if they were on Wed through Friday, I remember all about those. If they were from Saturday or Sunday (I don't think I even looked at my computer yesterday actually, just laid around half-conscious), then who knows. I hope to gain some insight into what was going through my head then by reading my posts because I definitely remember feeling very connected and if I could zone in on one thing long enough, I could get out some good stuff. But by then I had lost the plot too much to be able to function. I kept thinking it was Tuesday or Sunday or who knows... I was lost.
And I barely ate the entire time either. So I've been feeling extremely weak in my muscles and cold since Sunday morning. Yesterday and today I'm eating a lot and today I feel pretty decent. My head is cloudy and I definitely feel like I did some damage. I feel really stupid because now I feel quite a bit low and I really believe if I had kept the stimulants out of it, I'd have been 100% fine and I'd still be riding on the magical summer high. But on the other hand this entire 4-5 day process is a complete trip, and one of the most significant and shattering and important ones I've had in a long time. Certainly by far the strongest. I'm going to be piecing together a trip report that will also end up in a book somewhere at some point. After I get my head together all the way and pick through the old social thread (I hope you guys didn't delete it).
But you know, I may have descended into a painful, fragmented state of mind, but it's almost following the structure of a full-on DOC trip in two levels. First the DOC facilitated the initial connected state, the peak state, and then it shattered it all away by adding draining stimulants and empathogens (normally it will leave me in the connected state and fade away by itself). And in the past couple of days I've had to really work hard to rebuild myself from a shattered state I am used to from the peak of a strong DOC trip, but with much more serious fragmenting going on because of brain abuse. But there is no reason for me to think that if I can now drag myself up out of this fragmented state, one of the worst I've known, I can emerge even more centered and balanced.
Love you all.
