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Partner is Heroin Addict - Help Please

I have never been a bad parent. I have never been stoned with my child...And i have never abused my child in any way. I find your question about the babysitter irrelevant SececaRD.....In regards to "preaching to the choir", mate i was pointing out that we are all human and deserve to be treated as such, no matter what our addictions are..To a point that is of course..I dont mean that addicts are allowed to do as they please and its justified...I mean that sometimes all we need is a helping hand...Thats all i needed.
 
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SececaRD said:
If you are currently using heroin and have a child in my opinion no you have no business to be in the presence of your child.

Let me ask you this question Kirsty, if you were looking for a babysitter would you let your child stay with a heroin user???? Well you just answered your own question.

You say that some straight parrents are bad parrents and your right, but heroin addict parrents are bad parrents also, so they are both bad parrents and dont deserve to have their kids.

Im speaking out of experience I have a 9 year old son and was a piece of shit father during my heroin addiction. Since then I have gotten clean and am active in my sons life. How are you gonna argue that heroin addicts are good parrents??? Your preaching to the choir
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What if the parent who chooses to take heroin is actually a good parent? I don't think it's fair to judge peoples parenting skills on weather they are on such and such. People can be horrible parents or good parents irregardless of the substance they are taking. Should we take peoples kids away if the parent in on opiates for pain control as well?
 
^ Hey, first of all i'm really happy for you getting clean. But I refuse to agree that everyone is the same, because they aren't. Yes I agree that more often than not heroin addicts, or addicts of anything like valium for me wont be as good parents. There are soo many alcoholics out there that are worse parents than heroin addicts, but nothing happens because alcohol is a legal drug. I just hate it when people generalise, because before my parents found out that I was drug addict a few years ago, they had no idea about drugs at all, and to them anyone who used was basically an arsehole, which they now understand just isn't true. Again I do agree that more often than not its obvious that a junkie isn't going to parent as well, but are these addicts just supposed to never see their kids, and then possibly get so low that they take their own life, and then the child grows up with no father at all?
 
GENERALISING DRIVES ME INSANE!!!..We are not all the same..Theres way too much generalising going on, on this fantastic forum.
 
The fact that he's using needles and you had a test a "few years back" does not mean it's "all good."

It's one thing to accept a life with a junkie. It's another to impose that upon your child. Who's watching your child while you're waiting outside of the
shooting gallery? Do you know that if you're ever caught riding with him and he has paraphernalia on him you may also be in trouble (and you can
expect to have your child removed from your home)?

I do believe that addicts deserve support. I would have died without my family when I was trying to get clean. But I didn't have a child in the mix.
And I also think that you would benefit from Al-Anon or something similar so you can be around people who have experienced the same thing that
you are going through (right before Christmas, nonetheless). I hate to say it, but I would consider asking him to move out. You need to look at your
own pathology as well.
 
I really feel for you, you sound like my ex, and ive done this to 2 girls so far but no kids. but now i wont have a relationship until im clean, its just not fair. You have to understand that the drugs are #1 in his life. if he had to choose on the spot between you and drugs he would have to think about it, and then choose drugs, cause it just hurts so much to stop and sounds like he doesnt know any other life.

I spent 11 months in rehab and was clean for 3 years, so i know what its like to be clean, and it takes a lot of effort. Hes never been "clean" the whole time hes been with you, think about it, how can you take anything he says as useful when you know he is a secretive and more or less professional liar? if you are smart, just trust your gut and only judge his ACTIONS and his words mean NOTHING. ZERO. NOTHING get that in your head. of course he means well, but until he has a rehab between the last drug he used and the present moment and preferably something 6months+, he is an addict thru and thru, with all the behaviour that comes with it. secretive, unexplained abcences, hes always late for anything, going to the bathroom and always taking a while..... understand the habit HAS to be fed. then you come 2nd. thats it. until that craving is satisfied, nothing else is on his mind
 
Look, i'm a self confessed addict. I have never used needles, but that doesn't matter, i've done everything else, and as a matter of fact i'm high/drinking right now :\ But i'm not biased. I do see it from both sides, like my post earlier. Eg. if you take 100 addicts (whether it's heroin, benzos, alcohol, amphetamines, or whatever, I don't think that matters), and you take 100 sober people, then yes one would imagine that more of the 100 sober people would "be closer" to their kids. People generally do not mean to be bad people, or "bad parents". Yeah we all go through bullshit when we're younger, but unfortunately we have to reach a point where we get over it. I personally have 100% sober parents who are absolutely great parents, but I'll be the first to admit that most of my childhood was shit. It was full of depression, anxiety, missing school due to being badly bullied, deaths in the family, etc. And now at almost 27 years old I'm struggling sometimes more than I ever have, but is this "all to be blamed on my parents"? No, pretty much the opposite.

I just think it's sad that there are still so many narrow minded people out there (and don't worry I used to be one of them) that puts everyone into categories and generalises everything. Sorry but we ARE ALL DIFFERENT and it just doesn't work that way. Another Eg. I used to be a very heavy smoker (basically lighting up a smoke every 30mins if I could) and it costs $1000s a year. I see sooo many smokers out there who are at the cigarette counter with their children in clothes that are fucked, and they probably don't get fed shit, but ohh nah it's all just the "heroin addicts".

At the end of the day, we all try to be the best we can be as people and we ARE all different.
 
fivelinefury said:
I see sooo many smokers out there who are at the cigarette counter with their children in clothes that are fucked, and they probably don't get fed shit, but ohh nah it's all just the "heroin addicts".

At the end of the day, we all try to be the best we can be as people and we ARE all different.
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Implicating smokers seems far too radical for my tastes. We are talking cigarettes.. a day on heroin is generally WAYY more expensive. And no chance of noding out while in car with child or cooking with child, bathing child, using powertools around child etc etc. Maybe a heart attack 20 years down the road. But by then they're already grown up. I'm just not seeing "so many" smokers not clothing their children properly thats just not accurate. Find me 5 examples.
 
Yeah, i'd rather be a smoker of cigarettes than shooting up H, I get the point on which is worse. Cigarettes is a different example at the other end of the scale, because it is a different example of the 100s of bad habits out there which people take up that influences on how they parent their children. I'm not at all saying hey everyone, if you become a junkie like this bloke which this thread is about, then it will make you a better parent. I just think it's quite ridiculous to bag one bloke on here and say he shouldn't be around his children because of generalising on one single drug, and one single user of that one drug.

The example of smoking may be a bit radical, but the fact is, that does happen every day, and it has happened for years to people in my family. I have an auntie and uncle for example, who aren't heroin addicts, but all their lives have spent 100s of dollars a month, or probably sometimes a week on just cigarettes and alcohol and gambling. They live in a house which is falling apart, aren't any where near as healthy as they should be, probably don't eat enough good food, etc. And will most likely both die younger from cancer. I know this is going off track, but it's the part how people generalise everything that pisses me off.

Another example, there may be a heroin addict father, who like anyone else isn't the best father in the world, but he's managed to hide most of his addiction from his naive young child (no paraphernalia left around, etc), or an alcoholic father who beats up his child's mother in front of them.

If every single parent with a bad habit which effected the way their kids grow up had to have their children taken off them, then I tell ya there would be a hell of a lot more children out there in foster homes with no parents living a screwed up life like that instead.
 
Like Kirsty said, generalizing doesn't work. I didn't know he was using, maybe i was just putting on blinkers, but i'm not the only one, his work has NO idea about his use, he's held his job for 7yrs now, some of his close friends don't know either. I don't know what others are like when on heroin, but for him he's just sleepy, talks more and is very sweet and nice. He could easily look after his baby on his own, he's good with my kids then too, that's when he's nicest to them, it seems like it takes away his walls and he's free to relax and be himself.

Missykins - i don't think i'm in danger of catching anything, even though he does some stupid things, he would never use any used needles and he doesn't carry any around. Only thing you'll find in my car is either the box of suboxone, either empty or with some in there. I know he was once pulled over and they found it in his car and he had plenty questions to deal with, but i don't think that would give them reason to take my kids off me. He also doesn't live with us, i did say i don't see him everyday. He wouldn't do anything to harm his child.

I don't want to give up on him, i'm pretty much all he has, i'm the only one who knows him. I know i should be looking after me first and kids, but he's like another kid to me. I saw him today for a couple of hours and he's been clean about a wk now and says he'll stay that way. I know there could be relapse in the future, i hope we're over that, but we'll go one day at a time.

Cybertool - thanks for the link, good info
 
Miss Kirsty said:
GENERALISING DRIVES ME INSANE!!!..We are not all the same..Theres way too much generalising going on, on this fantastic forum.
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Generalising- Well just from my expereince ive been to 3 different rehabs, one of which I went to 3 different times, Been in rehab for a litle over a year out of my life.

first rehab I went for 19 day, second 19 days, 3rd 6 months, 4th 4 months, 5th 6 months. not to mention Ive been working at a rehab for around 3 years now or so. I was addicted to heroin for 7 or so years of my life also currently clean with on small stint in the last 4 years.


One of the many conclusions ive come to over the last several years or so is this.. All addicts have pretty much the same story. Theyve all, stolen, lied, and you all know the rest of the list. I hear the stories every day I go to work. And my story is the same. This is just thru my expereince here in Detroit Michigan maybe yours is different but this is what ive found.

And to Paranoid---- No If your takeing your meds as perscribed for pain then no you should not have your kids taken away. If its that extreme maybe you need help taking care of them or something along those lines or maybe even someone to keep them until your well and fit to be a parrent. Situations in life happen that arnt fair, and the kids well being is most important.

Now of course theres always the exception to the rule which is in every instance, but in my opinion if your sticking a needle in your arm or snorting heroin , your not fit to be a parrent. No need to argue this, this is just my opinion, and also Child pertective services which are highly trained and schooled (college grads) opinion. thanks
 
fluxy said:
I really feel for you, you sound like my ex, and ive done this to 2 girls so far but no kids. but now i wont have a relationship until im clean, its just not fair. You have to understand that the drugs are #1 in his life. if he had to choose on the spot between you and drugs he would have to think about it, and then choose drugs, cause it just hurts so much to stop and sounds like he doesnt know any other life.

I spent 11 months in rehab and was clean for 3 years, so i know what its like to be clean, and it takes a lot of effort. Hes never been "clean" the whole time hes been with you, think about it, how can you take anything he says as useful when you know he is a secretive and more or less professional liar? if you are smart, just trust your gut and only judge his ACTIONS and his words mean NOTHING. ZERO. NOTHING get that in your head. of course he means well, but until he has a rehab between the last drug he used and the present moment and preferably something 6months+, he is an addict thru and thru, with all the behaviour that comes with it. secretive, unexplained abcences, hes always late for anything, going to the bathroom and always taking a while..... understand the habit HAS to be fed. then you come 2nd. thats it. until that craving is satisfied, nothing else is on his mind
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Thanks Fluxy, i've come to realise that his words don't mean anything, i just watch his actions now and seeing him today he looks good, sadly i can only take his word that he's clean, calling him just now he said he just went for a walk, he's started to walk when he gets edgy, etc. So surely that's a good sign, as long as he doesn't run into anyone and gets tempted. He has no money now, i'm in charge of it all, but sadly he has ways of getting high with no money on him. One dealer he had would let him pay later on.

You're so right, lies, being late, taking ages to get back from shops, etc. Though as far as i know he's never had any drugs here. My daughter knows to a small extent what he does as she's 14 and school has touched on drugs, but my son has no idea, he knows that at times he gets tired and isn't easy to talk to and needs nudges etc, but my son thinks it's from lack of sleep and long day of work.

My oh has been clean, and he said he's done it on his own in the past. He won't go to counselling and NA wasn't doing much for him, though i think it would help if he sticks with it, we'll see. When we did go, i remember them saying to never start a new relationship while trying to clean up, like you say, it's not fair.

Good luck with staying clean, 3yrs is great going, keep it up. :)
 
Well, Es mum, it sounds like you're BOTH going to have to hit bottom before you realize the real effects that his addiction and your enabling is having.
 
Es mum said:
I don't know what others are like when on heroin, but for him he's just sleepy, talks more and is very sweet and nice. He could easily look after his baby on his own, he's good with my kids then too, that's when he's nicest to them, it seems like it takes away his walls and he's free to relax and be himself...

...but i don't think that would give them reason to take my kids off me...He wouldn't do anything to harm his child...
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Child Protective Services would probably disagree with you on this one.
 
Missykins said:
Child Protective Services would probably disagree with you on this one.
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Just noticed you're in usa, our way is a little different, and i dont think theyd have any reason to touch my kids. if anyone from oz here who has experience etc, let me know ur thoughts
 
Es mum said:
Just noticed you're in usa, our way is a little different, and i dont think theyd have any reason to touch my kids. if anyone from oz here who has experience etc, let me know ur thoughts
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Your country is not in the dark ages--agencies to protect children DO exist. Really, do you listen to yourself?

You have a rationalization for everything, I'm not convinced you really want advice.
 
Missykins, you sound like u need help. Ur posts i've seen are pretty angry, y? Whats missing in your life? Y don't u let people express their thoughts? If everyone was fine and didn't need others thoughts, this forum wouldn't exsist.
 
how about methadone? for a few months, not forever.
it has to be up to him anyway. pressure doesnt really help.

i did that to other partners before. i wanted to be enabled and i was going to find people who did.
 
Thanks for link. i only know of sub and meth for help and he doesnt want the second says sub helps him more. As far as i know hes almost 2 wks clean now so fingers crossed he can keep it up. Im getting better at seeing his triggers too and his anxiety change
 
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