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Partner is Heroin Addict - Help Please

E

Es mum

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 9, 2011
Messages
15
Hi all, new to the forum, hopefully in right place....

I've been with my partner for 6yrs now and for the first 4 odd yrs he's kept his drug habit very hidden. He's a great liar, hides things well and has plenty
excuses for everything. He's been on heroin for many yrs, not exactly sure how many. I still don't know whole story. We now have a 5wk old son and he keeps telling me he wants to change but i'm not seeing any changes. He loves his son and wants to give him the best. It seems his problem is oposite to most. When things between us are great, no fights, everything easy, that's when he freaks out and gets anxiety and runs to heroin. I've tried a lot of different things to get him to quit and he says he wants to, he has a lot of debt and is usually between homes. We can't live together as he just stuffs things when they're good, when bad, he just stays away. So i can't win either way. He's on suboxone, but seems he can take both within hours. I don't understand how. His dr knows he not clean, keeps writing scripts and hopes he'll stop. I think he's been on sub for about 6-7yrs if not more. He won't see counselling, went to NA for a bit, said it wasn't helping him. He has a great job and so far they are clueless. When he gets paid he's broke by the end of the day. Just last wk he's put me in charge of his money, but he's done similar in the past, but never lasts cos once he has his pay he gets nasty if i don't give him his money.

I don't know what to do. I love him and he's a very good person with a huge heart but these evil drugs are making him do things he normally wouldn't. I know if he quits it will be a struggle for life. Do i keep trying? He's hit many bottoms and i stupidly help him all the time as i can't watch him go hungry. I just want it all to end. I just want a normal life. Will i ever have that with him?

Thanks for reading...
 
Intervention with consequences such as "I am leaving you." That's what it takes. It sounds like you've tried everything else. Even your doctor is being manipulated by him.
 
It's tough seeing someone you love go through that. I know because I put my ex-girlfriend through it and to be honest, you sound a lot like her.

There's really not much YOU can do though. He has to want to get clean himself. Maybe laying down some heavy consequences on him will help him realize it's time for him to get clean. Try to get in contact with anyone who may enable his using and form a type of intervention.
 
skinnylegz said:
Try to get in contact with anyone who may enable his using and form a type of intervention.
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^ This is good advice, but be careful about being too "in his face" about speaking to people he knows about him stopping. I've found in the past, even though a lot of drug dealers get extremely bad rep, if you explain to them what is happening as a result of them supplying what they are to a person they will tend to be a lot more understanding and supportive than most people appreciate. Saying that, this totally depends on the person he is getting his fix off. Some dealers are not so nice. My advice: If you don't know them, don't speak to them. They might not be one of the caring types, which could make things worse for you.

You have to make him realize that the reason people are trying to stop him using is because they want the best for him.
 
I would not reach out to his drug dealer or his drug-using friends. It is not in their best interests to get him to quit using.

Is he using needles? If the answer is "no," how do you know that he isn't? I would have an HIV test just to be certain. I may sound a little harsh but you have an infant to care for so his well-being is no longer a priority for you--your child HAS
to come first. Do you have a relationship with his family?
 
Are you sure that he is actually taking his suboxone? If he is definitely taking it, then his dose may need to be adjusted or taken several times a day if it is wearing off too fast. Can you have control over it and give him the dose to make sure he takes it?
 
I don't know about where you live but here you get tested for all of that when you are pregnant...regardless of your circumstances. It is one of the first things they do!!!

And at 5 weeks old her womb will not have recovered for sex, you're not allowed it can kill you, 6 week post natal check at the very earliest.

Missykins said:
I would not reach out to his drug dealer or his drug-using friends. It is not in their best interests to get him to quit using.

Is he using needles? If the answer is "no," how do you know that he isn't? I would have an HIV test just to be certain. I may sound a little harsh but you have an infant to care for so his well-being is no longer a priority for you--your child HAS
to come first. Do you have a relationship with his family?
Click to expand...
 
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Thanks for replies.... took me a bit to find the post after being moved, all good now...

Our relationship is by far anything to normal. He's a VERY secretive person, his past sucks, but so does mine and i've never touched drugs, i don't drink or smoke, so for me it's hard to fully understand him but i'm learning. I've learnt a lot when we went to NA meetings.

So here's the spill.... there's very very few ppl that know about him being on drugs, he doesn't know his dad, only has a mum and she's a total bitch from what i've been told. Mind you i've only just met her 5 wks ago when he finally took me there with our baby. (to add, i do have 2 kids, 14 and 9yr olds) when meeting her, she was nice, apparently she can switch quickly, though i didn't feel that. Anyway, she knows and his oldest brother knows. To try to understand him, when he was born his mum left him and his brother and 2 sisters to come to oz with her new hubby who didn't know she had 4 kids. It was only 5yrs later that she divorced and brought the kids over. So he didn't know her till 5yrs old, till then his aunt was his mum. Life wasn't great from what i've put together over the yrs. He left home many times starting at 12. He'd stay with friends, streets, etc. He has od a couple of times. So i guess it's no wonder he can't settle and let himself be happy. We've split up many times, either i give in and go back to him or he comes back to me. He's like a drug to me, i can't throw him away and have withdrawls from him, lol. I have told him i'd stop him seeing his son if he didn't get his life in order and he does go off for a bit, no idea how long though. So with not many ppl knowing he uses, like even his close friends don't know, or maybe turn a blind eye, so there would be no point doing an intervention.

Currently he is on the new strips of suboxone, when i came home from the hospital his dr gave him a wks worth so he didn't have to leave here, and i'd watch him take it. He's a lot more open these days and shows me he takes it, but what's the point since he can still use?? which confuses me as to how that works.

Example of last wk (sorry for such long post) he's currently without a car, it broke down and he's not meant to drive till his court in feb to see how long he looses it for after speeding.... anyway... so i drove him. I now don't let him take my car without me, but he's still too smart. From what he's told me the dealer he used for a long time got raided and they ran off, but he knows too many ppl, so that means nothing. So anyway, a 'friend' which i haven't met as usual he doesn't want me meeting too many ppl. He had a thing of his. long story, basically i drove him there and he said to wait in car, couple times in past i thought he was weird when coming out, so i've been watching him closer and sure enough he came out high. Last time i took his word when he said he was just tired.... right, this time i didnt' and i left him behind. I warned him. Time before i drove him to the dr for script and stupid me said he needs to get his thing back and drove him there, knowing he had no money, so we go there, again i'm in car, he comes out hi. Went to dr who i went in with even though he never lets me normally. I asked the dr if he was hi and he said yes. He wants to help him but it's up to each user.

So i drive him to pick up his sub and he takes it. First time he took it he did have a flip and slept it off and said never again, but now it seems like he can handle it. As to how he takes it, it's a needle, he tests himself and always uses new needles, i've tested me few yrs back to, all good.

So i can't talk to any dealer, apparently this one isn't a dealer, but a friend that use to deal, ye ok, whateva. So what other options do i have? I've threatened tons of things, he's even been homeless for a day or two and plenty hungry. I remember one day about 4mths ago going to his job at lunch to see him after we had a lil break, when i touched his hand he was shaking, turns out he was without food for 2 days, so what do i do, let him starve, so i got him food. He knows i won't totally leave him down. I've got him to NA meetings and it was great when he'd confess to the group that he was only clean for a day, and i'd think longer. He went to them for a few wks almost every night. I might get him back to them, but harder with a baby to tow. Only thing i can't get him to do is to talk to someone. When i was on ph today to him he said no, he asked why he'd talk to them when he won't talk to me. Then later on in day he said he knows he has to do this for his son and wants to clean up and that he misses us. I told him on thrs that he's not allowed to stay here nights anymore and that he can only come to visit for a short time, and i know i'm about to give in to that as i miss him and it's hard for him to get here and then back and i'm done with driving him back and forth, it's a 35min drive each way, not easy with baby if he wakes up.

To make things so much more fun, my youngest brother is also an addict, this yr he went all out, almost burnt mums place while she was away and caused heaps of problems, he says he used ice, and he says he's going clean and thinks can do it on his own. I worry about him too as he's burnt a lot of bridges and has a huge list of chargers, i'm sure he'll be in jail for xmas. So between him and my OH i'm going insane.

ok, i'll finish here.....
 
Es mum, your first priority has got to be for your kids, including your brand new baby. Whether or not your baby's father gets clean is something you have no control over; but you do have control over how much craziness you let into your (and your children's) lives. Your boyfriend is not a bad person, he is a person with an addiction. Until he really decides to get clean to "be there for " his son and for you, he can say it endlessly but it is just wishful thinking followed up by more self-defeating hopelessness. You cannot be in this cycle with him. As hard as it is, it is your responsibility to pull yourself out of it.

You should get as much support as you can--through NA, through new mothers groups, therapy, etc. Missing him now may be the small price you have to pay for your son having a father in his life later. By letting your boyfriend know in no uncertain terms that he has to be in treatment and committing to getting clean before you include him in your life would be the best thing you could do for everyone. <3
 
"Currently he is on the new strips of suboxone, when i came home from the hospital his dr gave him a wks worth so he didn't have to leave here, and i'd watch him take it. He's a lot more open these days and shows me he takes it, but what's the point since he can still use?? which confuses me as to how that works."







Es MUm...I was on soboxone (not the strips though) and if i swallowed the tabs into my stomach they wouldnt work and i could use on them..They were ment to be disolved under my tounge in chemist, while i sat in front of the pharmasist, i then had to lift my tounge and she him the all clear before i could leave. I got aroungd it by

1. Swallowing the dose
2.Spitting it out when they didnt see me.

You can "use" on soboxone but often you wont feel it. I had to be in withdrawal before i could use and get a buzz...The hard part for me was going back to the soboxone and avoiding precipitated (forget how to spell it!) withdrawal..I had to wait at least 24 hrs after id had my last hit before i could take my soboxone...

Hope this helps you understand (maybe) how he is managing to use while on his meds...I fear Es mum, its going to take a major shake up to wake him up...Take care of you and yours hun. In the meantime this place is wonderful...You WILL get the advice and help you need here mate..Herbavore is lovely and very wise..Listen to her...Its hard mate but it be harder if you continue to pick up his pieces all the time..He must learn his actions have concequences now especially now he is a dad...All the best...
 
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That would explain why he can still use. He's often taken it and not let it really dissolve. The chemist is pretty hopeless too, don't think he watches him, it's no wonder he doesn't want me going in there with him.

He's been clean a few days now, or so i think. He does want to clean up, even was talking about wanting another baby, whereas he always said no to kids till this one was born. I can't leave him, i just hope he can do it this time.....

Thanks everyone for your replies
 
^ Hey hun, I see another thread of yours ;)

I probably don't really understand what it is fully like for someone like you since I'm an addict myself. The main drug in my life has been valium, in huge doses, followed by alcohol and codeine, etc, etc. But I do understand that we can be great liars 8) But I'm sure as you said he is a great person. I've never really believed in myself as a good person, although everyone tells me I am, so the must be right haha. The reason we lie about our drug use, well for me has usually been so I don't stress people in my life out about it and if they don't know about things then they can't worry.

That's great to hear that he's been clean for a few days and the fact that he wants to be is the start. For 4-5 years I told myself I was never going to get clean and never change, and in that period nothing changed, until I wanted to. I always admit (on here) that I do continue to use sometimes, but for the past 2 years no where near as much as I once did. One big part of it is just time. For me everything has been time, time and more time, as annoying and painful as it can be for all involved. I went to drug/alcohol counselling for almost 2 years. In that time for probably almost a year I thought it was just a waste of time and it wasn't helping me, but the fact is it did, and has, because it takes time. I'm sorry if I haven't read above posts (not sure if he's getting any counselling), but for me in the long term one on one drug/alc counselling really has helped. Especially being one on one, since I'm a very anxious person, so this can be better for some people, and easier for people to attend.

Yes, us addicts may need a lot of help, support, etc, I dunno, everyone is different, but make sure you are looking after yourself and your kids!
 
prepare to raise the children without father,he may be good,he may want to change but at the end of the day hes just another heroin junkie,his presnece would not be good for child
 
DOB said:
prepare to raise the children without father,he may be good,he may want to change but at the end of the day hes just another heroin junkie,his presnece would not be good for child
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This may be the case, but he is also "just another partner", and "just another father of children", and "just another son", etc. A bit harsh IMO.
 
DOB said:
prepare to raise the children without father,he may be good,he may want to change but at the end of the day hes just another heroin junkie,his presnece would not be good for child
Click to expand...

Addicts are still people who deserve support and to have a family!!What a horrible thing to say!.."Hes just another heroin junky and his presence would not be good for the child!"....WTF!!!! So your saying my presence is not good for my child too then DOB? Statments like this are fucked..And totally without fair basis..Yeah some heroin addicts are bad parents but some straight people are bad parents too!FUCKING GENERALISING AGAIN...I hope you ignore it Esmum..Only you know if your man is worth standing by..Thank God my man stood by me..
 
Miss Kirsty said:
So your saying my presence is not good for my child too then DOB? Statments like this are fucked..And totally without fair basis..Yeah some heroin addicts are bad parents but some straight people are bad parents to.
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If you are currently using heroin and have a child in my opinion no you have no business to be in the presence of your child.

Let me ask you this question Kirsty, if you were looking for a babysitter would you let your child stay with a heroin user???? Well you just answered your own question.

You say that some straight parrents are bad parrents and your right, but heroin addict parrents are bad parrents also, so they are both bad parrents and dont deserve to have their kids.

Im speaking out of experience I have a 9 year old son and was a piece of shit father during my heroin addiction. Since then I have gotten clean and am active in my sons life. How are you gonna argue that heroin addicts are good parrents??? Your preaching to the choir
 
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