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Recovery Oxymorphone hell...slowly reclaiming my life

Thank you so very much, TPD, I greatly appreciate your supportive and understanding post.... You get it... the decision had been made already, and you are right... she wasn't listening. In fact, I had explained the need to return to work for financial reasons, and she said, when referring to the volunteer suggestion "if you don't need the money, just volunteer at an animal shelter". I again stated, " I do need the money... I did not do all the maintenance on my car that it needed last year, and am playing catch up, yada, yada, yada... re-phrasing my words for a second go round with her.

it will be very interesting on Sunday, as we plan to meet so I can review my first step, which she said that I may have finished "too quickly". Again, a judgement, not based on asking me about my process, just an assumption based on ??? If I am not feeling it, I will make some decisions about what my recovery program entails. I did not go through all I did to be miserable while I am clean.

Thanks again TPD, you rock!!
 
Sorry to hear things hit the rocks with your sponsor. If you're not feeling it, it's totally fine to move on. You *might* give her a second chance...but frankly, after the bullshit you described, I doubt I'd be that charitable to her myself.

FWIW, I've decided to go sponsorless, at least for the foreseeable future. And so far, I've been happier and--I think--better off since making that decision. Instead of overloading a single relationship (i.e. With a sponsor), at this point I just use my NA phone lists actively. I've got several pals in the fellowship and we talk regularly. Obviously, this arrangement doesn't help with stepwork. But my own experiences with sponsorship were bad enough that I prefer this arrangement.

There are plenty of sponsors in the sea. There's no shame in looking around until you find a good fit. And, depending on your own needs in recovery, is may be the case that for now you're best off using "the group" as your sponsor.

There are lots of options. I'm glad to hear you're not settling for a sub-par relationship. You deserve better!
 
A 'sponsor' is just another person after all. To me it doesn't sound like she did anything terribly wrong she just gave bad advice which managed to push some buttons for you that she had no knowledge of (undermining your confidence). It sounds like she was steering you away from your medical career because of the proximity to drugs? Yeah, that sounds like her own fears. TBH, she just sounds immature and lacking in life experience. Not a crime but not someone you would want to count on for guidance either.;)

POke, one thing I have seen in you through your posting here is that you aren't afraid to go after what you need. This does not have to be a tailspin. You are very clear in your own head what you want to do--return to work in your field--and your only considerations are where and how much. Keep pursuing that goal--it's a good one.

BTW--I love The Four Agreements and the one not to take things personally is one I will be working on til the day I'm no longer residing in my human body.=D<3 I find that the process of undoing the mental habits of seeing everything through my own ego lens is pretty rewarding though.
 
Sim: Thank you for sharing your experience so honestly. I can totally understand going sponsorless... since I already worked the steps several times during my years of recovery before this relapse on pain pills, I do know that I have issues with authority figures, and that I have emotional trauma that is triggered. I attend several meetings where I have made the connections you talked about... I do have friends that I can run things by and process things with. I will meditate before meeting with her tomorrow so that I might have more clarity around the relationship.

Herby: As always, you are compassionate and gentle when sharing your experience and wisdom. Thank you for recognizing my tenacity and persistence.... it did take time and struggles, but I did get clean. You brought up a good point, though, I need to be clearer myself on what I want to do within my profession. That was what I was wanting to seek support around, but as you can ascertain, I was shut down before being allowed to process that with her. I will seek support elsewhere around that.

And I hear you about the Four Agreements, I read that agreement over and over... I "get it" intellectually, but it is a challenge it understand it on an emotional and spiritual level, so yes, you will have company re: working on it for a long time to come. And, to be honest, she was much more crushing in her reasoning around not returning to my work... not b/c of proximity to drugs, but she said "Would you want someone caring for you with only two months clean?" "I wouldn't." That is where the shame came into play. However, I do feel better now, and that is why I can put that out there...my mind is so clear now, I believe I will do the best work I have in years. And I have the support I need if I run into issues that are triggering, emotionally.
 
Great job POke. As far as getting back to work only you know what is right for you. I got your back either way. Day 28 for me
 
B dog... I am, as always, happy to hear from you Thanks for having my back... it means a lot to me. And 28 days... you are killing this!! I am hoping that your symptoms are lessening as time passes.
 
Thanks POke. Still some anxiety and some sleepless nites. Things do improve with time
 
P0kemama said:
... she said "Would you want someone caring for you with only two months clean?" "I wouldn't."
Click to expand...

Wow--that is ridiculous that she said that.:( If you approach it from the Four Agreements angle (understanding it is not personal, says more about her etc) you could surmise that she feels the tenuousness of her own commitment to sobriety and is projecting that on you.

I'm really glad that you feel supported IRL--that is so crucial (for everything in life, not just recovery).
 

Well, I did meet with my sponsor yesterday for quite some time, and I was able to be very honest with her, and yet appropriate at the same time. (Quite happy to observe my communication skills are so much better off the opiates). I did tell her, in my opinion, that I would like a provider who had wisdom, experience, and skills, regardless of clean time, and then I stated how do we know how many providers use marijuana, as it is legal in my state or drink 3 martinis or beers a night before seeing us the next day? I told her that generalizing in that way is not realistic... 1 year clean and sober is just a guideline, and I wanted to be judged as an individual.

Then, I told her that I will disagree with her at times and that sometimes I do not want her advice... I just want to process. She accepted all this information very well, and told me to inform her when I call what I need from her at that time.

I read my 1st step answers to her, and she was gave some good responses. I think she had a chance to get to know me just a little bit and she now knows that I am was, for the most part, a functioning addict with no criminal history or legal problems in the past.

Because she can take negative feedback with such calmness, I think I will continue to work with her for the time being. She was able to respect my opinion, even though it was different from hers, and did have some good insights to offer on my first step work.

We also share some of the same spiritual views, which gives us a common language when discussing Higher Power. (For example, I found out she using meditation as part of her spiritual practice).

So, I will take the good with the not so good, but without the feedback and support here, I would have been upset when meeting and my communication would not have yielded any positive results. Thanks much, my friends!!​
 
That's awesome P0ke :) Perhaps she was just having a particularly shitty day when she said that hurtful stuff to you, or for whatever reason wasn't able to her what you were trying to tell her. Who knows. Regardless, you're handling this superbly. I dare say you're recovery sounds like it is going pretty darn well :)
 
I am so glad to read this thread and see so much positivity at the end. I have something bright and amazing to look forward to. It has been hell I agree with you... I am only 5 days in and I am continuously rocking and shaking restlessly. No hot or cold sweats. The best I have been able to do is a hot bath or shower along with trying my best to keep myself entertained and distracted throughout the day. I do not have so much of a psychological pull to the drug anymore. It's more or less not giving in to the intense withdrawal sensations that have kept me from being able to sleep. So it's more or less at this point just trying not to throw in the towel because of all these aches and cramps and restlessness... I am glad to hear you are over 3 weeks now. Keep up the good work.
 
Thanks TPD! It is one day at a time with my sponsor, for sure.

Jerry: I am over two months clean now.... not three weeks, thank goodness! DO NOT give in to the withdrawal symptoms... you will have to go through this all over again if you do, as it sounds like you are at the end of your using days... with opiates, anyway. Hang in there!
 
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Day 35. Jerry Blast keep it going. It does get better. We have been where you are and it is miserable. But I promise it does get better. I still have bad days with anxiety and insomnia but the good days are out numbering the bad. POKE has been someone I have followed and she has some great supporters on here as well. Keep it up! Proud of you
 
b dog: I am happy to read that your good days are outnumbering the bad... that is my experience as well. I have 71 days clean today and do not have any desire to use, even though I have a cold and sore throat and don't feel all that great. I know in a couple days I will feel much better and so I am just resting and distracting myself with watching shows and reading, talking on the phone until then. It is awesome to be free!
 
P0kemama said:
b dog: I am happy to read that your good days are outnumbering the bad... that is my experience as well. I have 71 days clean today and do not have any desire to use, even though I have a cold and sore throat and don't feel all that great. I know in a couple days I will feel much better and so I am just resting and distracting myself with watching shows and reading, talking on the phone until then. It is awesome to be free!
Click to expand...

Congrats, POke! I'm so glad to hear you're powering through. To me one of the really big (and pleasant) surprises in my recovery was the first time I came up against something uncomfortable or adverse (like your cold, though in my case it was anxiety) and realized I was glad not to have to deal with scoring/lying etc...that instead of wanting to jump back to drugs to make things seem easier to handle.

You're doing so well. It's awesome to watch!
 
Hey b dog: I am feeling pretty good these days... how are you, my friend? I have been travelling, so did not have much time to be online... now I am home so am catching up! I had 90 days clean and sober last week... I went to a couple of NA meetings when I was visiting my relatives, and they were "better" than the meetings are where I live. Heroin is a huge issue in the state I was visiting so they take recovery very seriously. It was refreshing.
I hope you are doing well and am so very happy to see your post here.

I also have to say, that flying and being pill free was so amazing! Last year, I flew to LA for a week's vacation, and used up my pills too soon. I was miserable and sick towards the end and ruined the trip. Flying home, I had only one pill saved so that i was not in the bathroom all the time... horrible. This trip was so anxiety free and easy breezy. I am so grateful to be clean!
 
Great to hear you are still rocking. I look forward to a vacation this summer also. I am still doing good, still some anxiety that I hope goes away. So many people caught up in this opiate/heroin epedemic. All races, rich or poor, young and old. So glad we did what we did. Keep in touch.
 
Thanks, B dog... I think I have 100 days clean today! Triple digit days... a miracle! I hope you get a good vacation this summer. I still get anxiety as well, and with the heat of the summer, it feels like the night sweats are returning, which wake me up. However, I can live with them. Much better than being on the meds.... and you are right... so many people caught up in the hell of opiate abuse. Aren't you so happy to have gotten off that hellish ride? Thinking of you often!
 
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