SimplyTrinity
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2020
- Messages
- 53
I’ve been reading these forums for years and years but didn’t have the courage to make a post. I feel like I’m at a point where I need to now. Sorry in advance for the length. If it’s too long, I would appreciate anyone telling me that and I can just hit the reset button and post something that gets to the point quicker.
I was first prescribed oxy’s for severe herniated discs 6+ years ago. I remember the first few times taking them, the effect was almost overwhelming. Made me feel uncomfortable and super drowsy. Eventually those parts stopped happening and I got the intense euphoria.
Was not hooked for the next 4-5 years. When my back pain recurred and I couldn’t walk, I’d get a prescription for 30-60 of them. Take them as needed plus some recreationally, then move on when I ran out. 4 years ago, I remember even calling the doctor to let him know I found a bottle of 30 that expired 6 months ago, asking if I could still use them. He said no, so I flushed them. It’s crazy to think I ever did that!
Anyway, I probably continued like this every 12-18 months. I had a recurrence of bad back pain. Got epidurals, prescription of oxy, did PT, etc. Never really having any major withdrawals or cravings in between pills running out.
Probably 2 years ago was an inflection point for me. I tracked down the same doctor that had prescribed them to me to get another prescription. The difference this time? I faked the back pain to get 45 pills. And then I faked it again when I ran out of those. And then again and again.
I’ve been doing that for pretty much 2+ years. The crappy thing is that 6 months ago, I had a recurrence of my back pain. The worst ever - severe nerve pain down my leg that wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. Vomit and tear inducing pain that was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I ended up popping 4 10mg oxy’s per day during that episode and they barely took the edge off (partly because I assume I built up a tolerance and partially because the pain was THAT bad).
So here’s where I am today. I get a refill of 30-60 pill refill probably every 2-3 months. I used to be able to space it out... have it as my “weekend reward” - I’d do 1-1.5 10mg oxy’s on a Friday, then same dose on Saturday. Recover on a Sunday and take none during the work week. That was enough to make me feel pretty euphoric then fairly relaxed from afternoon until bedtime. Lately, “weekend reward” has turned into a few days a week.
While the frequency of days has gone up, the dosage hasn’t. I now only take 0.5 to 1 10mg pill in a day when I do take it. Very often, especially if I can time right in the day and plan the right meal before, 0.5 10mg pills is perfect just to make me feel slightly euphoric, less anxious and pretty relaxed. I’ve grown to prefer the lower end of the dose because I have found on days I’ve tried to take 1.5 or 2 10mg pills, I really feel it the next day (and I spend the entire day grumpy and not wanting to get out of bed).
So anyway, I feel like I’m at a crossroads and I am SUPER scared of my dependence/addiction (whatever is accurate for where I am today) is going to get worse. I have such anxiety in general, which sometimes really spikes as the drugs are wearing off. As an example, I’ve spent MANY nights googling what it feels like to OD, seeing if there are stories of people dying in their sleep 8 hours after taking their oxy dose, or even jolting myself away as I am drifting off to sleep because I thought I was about to stop breathing... and all this on only 10-15mg total of oxy that I took 8 hours before going to sleep!
My use for the oxy has evolved to be more than just chasing the euphoric high (which by the way, the highs are never anywhere near the euphoria I remember from the first few months on it). I’ve actually grown to love the relaxed feeling it gives me 4 hours after I have taken it. When I come down off the high, fight off the hour of bad drowsiness, then settle into this chill/relaxed feeling for the rest of the night. Also, and I’m not sure if this is common on oxy, but I get SUPER productive when I take them. Like an hour after I take 10mg, I’ll do all the dishes, clean the house, fire off emails I’ve been putting off for days, and just really be on it. I just feel more “in my element” when I’ve take 5-7.5mg of oxy. And that’s what terrifies me.
I’ve built the strength to ask my wife to “hide my pain pills” from me. Why hide and not just flush? Because I dream of going back to the guy who can just take 2 pills total on the weekend and then just function without them during the week. And I’m scared of not having them available at all.
I just started taking fluoxetine (Prozac) for anxiety. 10mg, but it’s been only 3 days on it and so far I’ve never had a day without being on 7.5-10mg of oxy so tough to even tell if it’s helping me or not. I’m super worried and anxious about the interaction of the two (I keep reading scary stories online that the 2 don’t play well together so have these nightmares I’m going to OD even at my low doses of both).
Anyway, I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Part of this felt great to even just tell “someone” for the first time ever. I guess I’m looking for advice from others who remember being at this crossroads. Is there a way to settle in at the guy who refills 45 10mg oxy every 6 months and takes it recreationally in between? Or am I headed to a bad addiction and eventually seeking out even scarier stuff like heroin? Should I cut myself off and see how the Prozac does on my anxiety and maybe I don’t need the oxy anymore?
Thanks for reading and all the support
I was first prescribed oxy’s for severe herniated discs 6+ years ago. I remember the first few times taking them, the effect was almost overwhelming. Made me feel uncomfortable and super drowsy. Eventually those parts stopped happening and I got the intense euphoria.
Was not hooked for the next 4-5 years. When my back pain recurred and I couldn’t walk, I’d get a prescription for 30-60 of them. Take them as needed plus some recreationally, then move on when I ran out. 4 years ago, I remember even calling the doctor to let him know I found a bottle of 30 that expired 6 months ago, asking if I could still use them. He said no, so I flushed them. It’s crazy to think I ever did that!
Anyway, I probably continued like this every 12-18 months. I had a recurrence of bad back pain. Got epidurals, prescription of oxy, did PT, etc. Never really having any major withdrawals or cravings in between pills running out.
Probably 2 years ago was an inflection point for me. I tracked down the same doctor that had prescribed them to me to get another prescription. The difference this time? I faked the back pain to get 45 pills. And then I faked it again when I ran out of those. And then again and again.
I’ve been doing that for pretty much 2+ years. The crappy thing is that 6 months ago, I had a recurrence of my back pain. The worst ever - severe nerve pain down my leg that wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. Vomit and tear inducing pain that was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I ended up popping 4 10mg oxy’s per day during that episode and they barely took the edge off (partly because I assume I built up a tolerance and partially because the pain was THAT bad).
So here’s where I am today. I get a refill of 30-60 pill refill probably every 2-3 months. I used to be able to space it out... have it as my “weekend reward” - I’d do 1-1.5 10mg oxy’s on a Friday, then same dose on Saturday. Recover on a Sunday and take none during the work week. That was enough to make me feel pretty euphoric then fairly relaxed from afternoon until bedtime. Lately, “weekend reward” has turned into a few days a week.
While the frequency of days has gone up, the dosage hasn’t. I now only take 0.5 to 1 10mg pill in a day when I do take it. Very often, especially if I can time right in the day and plan the right meal before, 0.5 10mg pills is perfect just to make me feel slightly euphoric, less anxious and pretty relaxed. I’ve grown to prefer the lower end of the dose because I have found on days I’ve tried to take 1.5 or 2 10mg pills, I really feel it the next day (and I spend the entire day grumpy and not wanting to get out of bed).
So anyway, I feel like I’m at a crossroads and I am SUPER scared of my dependence/addiction (whatever is accurate for where I am today) is going to get worse. I have such anxiety in general, which sometimes really spikes as the drugs are wearing off. As an example, I’ve spent MANY nights googling what it feels like to OD, seeing if there are stories of people dying in their sleep 8 hours after taking their oxy dose, or even jolting myself away as I am drifting off to sleep because I thought I was about to stop breathing... and all this on only 10-15mg total of oxy that I took 8 hours before going to sleep!
My use for the oxy has evolved to be more than just chasing the euphoric high (which by the way, the highs are never anywhere near the euphoria I remember from the first few months on it). I’ve actually grown to love the relaxed feeling it gives me 4 hours after I have taken it. When I come down off the high, fight off the hour of bad drowsiness, then settle into this chill/relaxed feeling for the rest of the night. Also, and I’m not sure if this is common on oxy, but I get SUPER productive when I take them. Like an hour after I take 10mg, I’ll do all the dishes, clean the house, fire off emails I’ve been putting off for days, and just really be on it. I just feel more “in my element” when I’ve take 5-7.5mg of oxy. And that’s what terrifies me.
I’ve built the strength to ask my wife to “hide my pain pills” from me. Why hide and not just flush? Because I dream of going back to the guy who can just take 2 pills total on the weekend and then just function without them during the week. And I’m scared of not having them available at all.
I just started taking fluoxetine (Prozac) for anxiety. 10mg, but it’s been only 3 days on it and so far I’ve never had a day without being on 7.5-10mg of oxy so tough to even tell if it’s helping me or not. I’m super worried and anxious about the interaction of the two (I keep reading scary stories online that the 2 don’t play well together so have these nightmares I’m going to OD even at my low doses of both).
Anyway, I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Part of this felt great to even just tell “someone” for the first time ever. I guess I’m looking for advice from others who remember being at this crossroads. Is there a way to settle in at the guy who refills 45 10mg oxy every 6 months and takes it recreationally in between? Or am I headed to a bad addiction and eventually seeking out even scarier stuff like heroin? Should I cut myself off and see how the Prozac does on my anxiety and maybe I don’t need the oxy anymore?
Thanks for reading and all the support