SimplyTrinity
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2020
- Messages
- 51
I can’t thank every single person enough who posted in this thread offering his/her support, advice, and own personal stories. I’m so happy I found this forum way before I descended into some dark place. I know not everyone is that lucky.
Soon after this post, I made a commitment to get clean and started a thread in the Recovery forum in order to get the advice and support I needed to do it. Obviously I don’t want to duplicate the two threads but I’d love to update this group on how it’s been going.
I’m about a week into being clean. I have not popped an oxy in 7 days. That is CRAZY for me to say and read, and something I didn’t think would ever be possible again. This was the first weekend I made it through and I thought it would defeat me. Weekends always mean more time sitting around, more boredom, more reason to try to be numb to everything. But here I am on Sunday and it’s not even on my mind.
I want to share the details of the last 7 days, hoping it will help someone else as much as all your posts have helped me.
Days 1-3 were hellish. My addiction was not nearly as bad as many other’s on this forum, so I know it’s not comparable, the withdrawal is all a very personal experience for everyone. While this wasn’t the withdrawal you read about or see in movies, it was my own personal hell. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed before 2pm, I was snapping at my wife and kids, lacked any motivation or energy to do anything at all. Headaches were bad for the first 2 days, but manageable. The physical symptoms I could deal with... it was the listlessness, depression, lack of motivation to get about my day that made me just want to pop another pill. I resisted, and I’m glad I did. My sleep during these first few days were basically non-existent at night... I’d just toss and turn, RLS symptoms were brutal.
Days 4-7 have been a whole new world. The listlessness still has continued but I noticed it decreasing and that keeps me motivated to keep going. I’ve gotten into a regular routine of exercising which has helped me so much. First of all, it makes me feel like I am healing my body and getting on the right path. Plus, it gives me a great “high” an hour after I workout, which has been the closest thing to the old oxy high for me. I did end up trying a benzo for the first time ever to help with some anxiety and sleep. Took a 0.5mg Xanax twice during the last week and had great sleep both those nights. I know I don’t want to become dependent on those, so I’m not planning to make that a regular thing. Daily deep breathing / meditation has also done wonders for me to relax my mind this week. Something I plan to incorporate into my daily life.
The last 48 hours in particular, I’ve noticed something which has gotten me soooo excited and reminded me why I wanted to get clean in the first place. I actually had moments of excitement/euphoria that was natural and organic. I know it’s weird to say but I truly forgot what it feels like to be in a good mood naturally, not from pills. I caught myself being elated just sharing a moment with my young kids. This absolutely would not happen when I was on pills. Either the pills would boost the moment for me, or if I was on a come-down, the moment wouldn’t exist.
By the way, I’m doing all this with a bottle of 40 oxy’s right in my closet, so it really requires me to resist temptation. I know that’s probably akin to an alcoholic trying to get clean by locking himself in a fully stocked bar... I may want to either dump the pills or at the very least have my wife hide them so they’re not constantly “available” to me.
My original plan was “get clean for 4+ weeks so that I can re-establish boundaries.” And a benefit of getting clean was that hopefully it would reset my tolerance so that I wasn’t just taking my oxy’s in order to just feel baseline normal. Now that I’m through the toughest part of this journey, I’m more leaning to just trying to stay clean. I know I’m going to get cravings and temptations down the line, so it won’t be easy. I know I’ll just remember how great the euphoria and highs were, and completely forget about how much lows and the withdrawal has sucked. I guess one question I have for this group is (and I probably know the answer) - how scared should I be to ever take another oxy. Will one pill throw me right back onto the same course? Is there a single case study out there of someone who liked oxy enough to take it recreationally, but didn’t let it dominate their lives? Where they just basically had it like a glass of scotch... very occasionally when they were in the mood, but then not think about it again for the next week. Also, if I do end up taking another pill one day, does it totally reset the withdrawal I just went through? In other words, obviously I understand it could reset the mental addiction part once I get a taste again, but if I take 1 single 10mg pill, then stop again completely, do I go through this same withdrawal??
Couldn’t possibly put into words my gratitude for this forum and all the people who post on it. I’d be lost and alone without all of you.
Soon after this post, I made a commitment to get clean and started a thread in the Recovery forum in order to get the advice and support I needed to do it. Obviously I don’t want to duplicate the two threads but I’d love to update this group on how it’s been going.
I’m about a week into being clean. I have not popped an oxy in 7 days. That is CRAZY for me to say and read, and something I didn’t think would ever be possible again. This was the first weekend I made it through and I thought it would defeat me. Weekends always mean more time sitting around, more boredom, more reason to try to be numb to everything. But here I am on Sunday and it’s not even on my mind.
I want to share the details of the last 7 days, hoping it will help someone else as much as all your posts have helped me.
Days 1-3 were hellish. My addiction was not nearly as bad as many other’s on this forum, so I know it’s not comparable, the withdrawal is all a very personal experience for everyone. While this wasn’t the withdrawal you read about or see in movies, it was my own personal hell. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed before 2pm, I was snapping at my wife and kids, lacked any motivation or energy to do anything at all. Headaches were bad for the first 2 days, but manageable. The physical symptoms I could deal with... it was the listlessness, depression, lack of motivation to get about my day that made me just want to pop another pill. I resisted, and I’m glad I did. My sleep during these first few days were basically non-existent at night... I’d just toss and turn, RLS symptoms were brutal.
Days 4-7 have been a whole new world. The listlessness still has continued but I noticed it decreasing and that keeps me motivated to keep going. I’ve gotten into a regular routine of exercising which has helped me so much. First of all, it makes me feel like I am healing my body and getting on the right path. Plus, it gives me a great “high” an hour after I workout, which has been the closest thing to the old oxy high for me. I did end up trying a benzo for the first time ever to help with some anxiety and sleep. Took a 0.5mg Xanax twice during the last week and had great sleep both those nights. I know I don’t want to become dependent on those, so I’m not planning to make that a regular thing. Daily deep breathing / meditation has also done wonders for me to relax my mind this week. Something I plan to incorporate into my daily life.
The last 48 hours in particular, I’ve noticed something which has gotten me soooo excited and reminded me why I wanted to get clean in the first place. I actually had moments of excitement/euphoria that was natural and organic. I know it’s weird to say but I truly forgot what it feels like to be in a good mood naturally, not from pills. I caught myself being elated just sharing a moment with my young kids. This absolutely would not happen when I was on pills. Either the pills would boost the moment for me, or if I was on a come-down, the moment wouldn’t exist.
By the way, I’m doing all this with a bottle of 40 oxy’s right in my closet, so it really requires me to resist temptation. I know that’s probably akin to an alcoholic trying to get clean by locking himself in a fully stocked bar... I may want to either dump the pills or at the very least have my wife hide them so they’re not constantly “available” to me.
My original plan was “get clean for 4+ weeks so that I can re-establish boundaries.” And a benefit of getting clean was that hopefully it would reset my tolerance so that I wasn’t just taking my oxy’s in order to just feel baseline normal. Now that I’m through the toughest part of this journey, I’m more leaning to just trying to stay clean. I know I’m going to get cravings and temptations down the line, so it won’t be easy. I know I’ll just remember how great the euphoria and highs were, and completely forget about how much lows and the withdrawal has sucked. I guess one question I have for this group is (and I probably know the answer) - how scared should I be to ever take another oxy. Will one pill throw me right back onto the same course? Is there a single case study out there of someone who liked oxy enough to take it recreationally, but didn’t let it dominate their lives? Where they just basically had it like a glass of scotch... very occasionally when they were in the mood, but then not think about it again for the next week. Also, if I do end up taking another pill one day, does it totally reset the withdrawal I just went through? In other words, obviously I understand it could reset the mental addiction part once I get a taste again, but if I take 1 single 10mg pill, then stop again completely, do I go through this same withdrawal??
Couldn’t possibly put into words my gratitude for this forum and all the people who post on it. I’d be lost and alone without all of you.
