I appreciate everyone's insight and advice, I really do (except for Enyay, who at first baffled me with his negative commentary, bordering on attack. I finally realized he's jealous, so he feels the need to cut me down. Enyay, you are not helping this discussion, so please either lay off or grow up).
Without everyone's comments here, I would not have really given much thought to addiction, so at the very least I am glad to have been given the head's up. I agree that it is impossible for me to be taking so much of this stuff and NOT have some negative side effects, so it's just a matter of figuring out just how bad it's going to be and how to minimize it.
I was talking to a friend last night who has a LOT of drug experience (mostly perscription pain killer and anti-depressents) and she also has a very good doctor friend. I spoke with her at legnth about my situation. When I told her about how my tolerance had gone up and it was tough to still get high, she suggested "well you can always take more." When I told her that I was worried about addiction so I would rather deal with the disappointment of the stuff not working anymore rather than up my dosage, she said "well then you're not addicited, so I wouldn't worry too much."
Now, I'm not saying I don't still have a cross to bear, but it is true that I refuse to keep taking more in order to get high, so I am at least happy I have that much self control.
Tonight I learned that, even with plugging, taking my dillies on an empty stomach makes a HUGE difference in whether or not they work. I didn't think it would matter that much since it wasn't going through my digestive track, but there you go. I slept most of the day and didn't eat a thing, so when I plugged a few hours ago, it was on a totally empty stomach. And it felt pretty nice.
In any case, the bottom line is I'd rather plan ahead and work with an empty stomach than take more pills.
The line I've drawn for myself is about 30mg (give or take a pill), and I simply won't go over it (I try to keep it closer to 20mg). Someone please tell me that at least THIS is a step in the right direction!
The way I look at it now is this - I have a routine. I spend my days unemployed, trying to work up the energy to get some work done and push myself closer to getting a job. In the evening, I look forward to relieving my stress by lighting some candles, putting on mellow music, taking my dillies and enjoying a few hours in cyberspace.
For the moment, I am satisfied. I am praying for a break in my routine that involves getting a job and/or a girlfriend so I have a major change in my life that will make it easier to give up the medicinal part of my routine.
For example, if I had a girlfriend and spent the weekend with her, I am pretty sure I'd be distracted and happy enough that I wouldn't even think twice about the dillies. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'd go though huge withdrawls, but something inside tells me I'm right about this.
All I know is I would LOVE to have an opportunity to just get away for a weekend, leave the pills behind and give myself something to do that keeps me away from my routine.
Sure, I could just make myself promise to lay off the pills for a few days, but of course it's not that easy. I'm not superman, and as I have seen many Bluelighters say, if you got pills laying around, you're just going to take them.
I either need someone to spend the weekend with me so I'm distracted, or to go away for a weekend and not bring them.
Until any of these things happen, my routine makes me happy and either I know myself well enough or I'm just plain stupid but I believe this routine is not going to lead to the unraveling of my life.
But I REALLY want a weekend distraction RIGHT NOW so I can find out how I'll handle 2 or 3 days without pills. THAT is the experiment I need to see how I'm going to handle it down the road.
Has anyone else every tried something like this? Have any of you been in a routine that you thought you had under control, and then spent 2 or 3 days away from the drugs? What happened?